How bad would it be to move the children away from their father?

[Wanda616]

I think I want to leave my husband but I can't afford to stay living here. I would like to move back to my home town and family but it is several hundred miles away. He is a lazy husband, but a decent dad. Kids are 6 & 8 so it would be a massive upheaval for them.

We've had relationship counselling.

I cannot over exaggerate the extent of his laziness and how it impacts on every aspect of our relationship. He is lazy about affection, sex, conversation. I do the school run and he hasn't put his own cereal bowl in the dishwasher, never mind his own. I work a late shift and he's fed the kids but every utensil, plate and pan sits waiting for me to wash and put away. It is utterly soul destroying. He promised just one week ago to try harder and yet he didn't bother brushing dd's hair, he waited for me to get out of the shower (I'm working today, he isn't.)

You need to say how much you earn per month.
You also need to know what the HB entitlement is for your area.
Without these figures it's impossible to say whether you can afford it.

Do you currently rent or own? Why would you have to move out and not him?

Is your husband a high earner.

But in terms of moving away, yes it would be unfair.

You would have to be prepared to do a lot of the driving back and forth.

Well done for knowing my financials better than I do.

You've literally told us what your outgoings will be.
You said around £2000 if rent is £1000.

If you earn anything close to that you'll be entitled to benefit support, unless you have a lot of savings.

I’d say weigh it all up OP. If you can’t afford anything local then you can’t. You can’t just magic money out of thin air.

but do check what you’d be entitled to benefit wise and what you’d get from their dad (if you haven’t already).

Would you be willing to move and leave your children? I think that’s your answer…

To be honest it sounds to me like you're angry and frustrated and feel you just need to start afresh so getting away from the area is the real focus - not the money - and I do completely get that.

You mentioned support . What support do you need ? He sounds a crap husband so would you be worse off support wise if you left ? It’s not easy being a single parent miles from family ( been there) but your DC aren’t babies so not sure what you mean .

People are trying to help, there's no need to be snarky about it.

What's the situation with the house you live in now?

You have no idea. There are lots of families in our area raising two or more children in one or two bed flats. The parents are not low earners or unemployed... they work for the NHS, teachers, police etc.

Not sure the dc being deprived off their father is op's fault if dh has failed as an adult and a dh and made the situation untenable.
If he has been shown the writing on the wall and not upped his game despite attempts to get him to whose fault is that?
All op is doing is responding to reality with pragmatism.
Do what you need to do op.
It is bad for the kids but you can't attach strings to him and make him be a proper adult puppet style.

Will your family in your home town be actively engaged with the kids i.e. Help fill some of the void?

Who would she leave them with if their dad doesn't want them?

To work out your benefit entitlement you need to know your LHA for your area

How far away from school/work do you live now?

If he is as lazy as he sounds he might not be bothered to go to court to try to prevent you from leaving.
You’ll probably have to do most of the visitation driving, I personally would move.

I don't think leaving and moving away with them needs to be a disaster. I have known people make it work with DC living a long way away, it just takes commitment on both sides. Have you discussed splitting with him? How does he see it working? Presumably if he wants the DC to stay close, then he could continue providing support for them to enable that? If he doesn't well there is your answer.

girlmom21 · Today 09:14
If you earn too well to qualify for benefits you're not going to be stuck in a poky flat.

I live in what was a really ordinary area in northern England until 5 years ago. House offers are now done by sealed bid. Earnings even a fair amount above the benefit threshold wouldn’t be enough to rent here anymore.

You moving away would be sad for your husband but since he can’t find the energy to brush his daughter’s own hair -so what?

Good luck with your move and building a happier life. You have obviously done your homework and tried lots to make your relationship work. Also do not feel guilty for wanting a better life for you and your children.

I would t move my DD away from my ex & I wouldn’t be happy if he moved either. I think it’s important for children to be near both parents.

I moved home, 85 miles away but ds was born in the south and I had it in writing that if I tried to live in the Midlands and was unhappy, we would move back. I hated it there, after a year he refused to budge so I moved anyway.
When he subsequently moaned about his 170 mile weekend round trip, I pointed out that I do 140 miles a week in10 school runs, plus swimming lessons, parents evenings etc and the mileage was the same. It hasn't been mentioned since.
Can you construct a similar argument? It doesn't sound like he does much proactively.

@Goldbar you're talking about two parent families with two incomes.

OP as a single parent with one income who says her outgoings of £2000 a month would be unaffordable is going to be eligible for benefits.

I lived about an hour's drive from my mother and that was fine, just saw her EOW and holidays. Worked fine. My dad moved because of work and it all went to court etc and was deemed fine. But, I hadn't started school yet....

That said, my grandmother never stayed at one school too long, moved around the country a lot, buf she was with both her parents. She doesn't feel resentful about moving schools. It is not the end of the world for a kid to change schools. My brother went to 3 different schools, he's fine.

Is there somewhere you could move that is closer, about an hour drive?

Can he not move out and you stay where you are, in the family home?

Actually I don't think it's unreasonable to move out of an unaffordable area to be closer to family and friends for a better standard of living. You can facilitate a relationship with their dad - phone and video calls during the week, visits at the weekends and during school holidays. Of course it isn't ideal but it's real life.

OP you sound like you feel totally trapped and so frustrated - there will be a way forward, it just won't be an easy solution. What does your husband think? Have you told him you want to separate?

The children are young and will adapt.

You can build a happy new life for them surround by your family.

Many of us moved locations as schools as children. It's not uncommon. And it can help to grow your social skills.

But it has to be agreed with H... there'd need to be access considerations and a clear agreement on when he will see them.

I think you want and need support so move.
The dad can sort of a arrangement as many other families do.
Lazy and whatever other issues are impacting your relationship enough to want to leave..fair enough.
Many children stay well adjusted with phone calls,.holidays in separated families.
Better to have support and live than not.
I would be prepared for the backlash and emotions of you did amongst the children if not your partner.
I am a happily single parent working and love my independent life...be prepared for the anti single parent bs.
These are the times when anything goes no set rules.

Also, just because my dad moved, he didn't have to do most of the driving. Sometimes he did, sometimes mum did. I can't say either did most of it, it was pretty equal.

Fwiw, I moved away from my daughter's dad, she changed schools. I could only afford a bedsit in London, outside of Lo don I could afford a real home for us and the location was much nicer. Her dad is homeless though, so it's not like he ever had her at his anyway. If he wants to see her for a day out, he still can, he just has to jump on a train. I take DD half way, he meets half way.

Life is short and you have the right to live a happy and fulfilled one. Staying together for the sake of the children is an outdated and damaging belief forced on women. They thrive when your own wellbeing and needs are being met. Do what’s right for you - he can move to be nearer or still play an active role through regular visits and daily contact. Lazy dads are emotionally draining and I don’t understand why people are advising you to stay in a relationship that’s clearly making you unhappy. He’ll always be their dad, but that doesn’t mean he has to be your partner too.