How bad would it be to move the children away from their father?

[Wanda616]

I think I want to leave my husband but I can't afford to stay living here. I would like to move back to my home town and family but it is several hundred miles away. He is a lazy husband, but a decent dad. Kids are 6 & 8 so it would be a massive upheaval for them.

@OhWelllWhatever because she said she could get a 2 bed for £1000 a month...

I'm astonished by some responses to this thread

I'm shocked. I understand that it is not ideal to move the children a long way away from a decent dad, but sometimes we cannot do what is ideal and have to take second best.

Telling the OP that she should leave her children or put up with an unhappy marriage is horrible. If the father is so decent he could move to be close to his children. I would

The two bed she said she couldnt afford?
Even with housing benefit, how could you possibly know?

@OhWelllWhatever all I said was if she couldn't afford that she could get financial support. She said she earns too much for benefits. Both cannot be true unless she has savings.

My husband lived 225 miles he comes home most weekends and stays here. Where would your ex stay?

OP it really does depend. The answer to your question isn’t a black and white yes no answer like some posters would have you believe. A life of poverty isn’t good for children either. I was in a position a few years ago that I just couldn’t afford to remain living in same city as my ex, all my money would of gone on housing, childcare, bills and food with nothing leftover for anything else. Like even a new pair of shoes for DS would have been too much for me.
We left that city and moved back to where I am originally from and made a fresh start and we aren’t living a life of poverty. In my case although my ex wasn’t from the city we had been living in and he also felt he would be better off moving so lives 25 min drive away from us now. I was always the primary caregiver for DS so it was never the correct option for DS to be left behind with his father. I experienced poverty as a child and it’s too be avoided at all costs.

If you move away would you be able to make sure your DC saw their Dad EOW. You driving it probably so it's time and money.

If you can I think you should move away. Lots of FaceTime calls during the week, EOW and holidays probably equals the same sort of DadTime your DC have at the moment.

What the DC might lose in DadTime they will gain in other members of your family. Are there Aunts/Uncles/Cousins?

Move. If you can.

Do you have an understanding of the total assets you have between you and your husband ?
inc pensions
wgat equity is there if you own your home
tiud possibly be looking at higher than 50%
plus cms of course

does that leave you in a 1 bed flat still?
csn you stay in the fmh with a mesher etc

i think you need to consider and understand these as well

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, you sound trapped and dejected. I am going against the grain as I think in this case moving away will give you the best life for yourself and your children. You will have to speak to a solicitor and work out with your husband how to sort access. Staying in a miserable marriage because of finances would be a terrible example to set for your kids, and of course you need support while they are young. You don't have to stay in this life of drudgery. Good luck.

I am surprised by the replies you are getting. I moved away from my ex and it has transformed all of our lives for the better.

He tried to stop us and it went to court but I got the move approved that way. And we share travel and travel costs so that part isn't necessarily true either.

I really don't think a mother should be forced to live somewhere she is unhappy just because she has children with someone. One PP even suggested sleeping on the sofa as a solution. That really isn't fair on her.

The support she would get from family will be invaluable. It has made a big difference to us.

OP, you know your family and your situation. Trust your judgement.

As a divorced parent with 2 children, who carnt see their father as he's unsafe. I would say don't understand how important it is for a child to have a relationship with both parents. Also there are lots of father's who have "stepped up" and become better parents once they have separated.
Also there often isn't a perfect situation after divorce, it takes a very long time to get back on your feet. How about you stay put, get a job that hours are better for the children. Then claim benefits if you have to. Yes it's not ideal. But there has to be a solution, as you carnt be the first person.
Good luck

I too would move home but be prepared to drive them to dad for contact time (if he wants it). Your mum acting as interested, loving and caring relative may well be beneficial to them rather than a bored dad!

Do you own? If so, he'll have to move.
If not, can he afford it on his own after paying maintenance.

You need to see a Soliciter
a strong bargaining incentive for him to pay decent maintenance is the fact you would need to move away otherwise

don’t give up on the basis of this thread and the responses

and worse case scenario
get a get a decent 1 bed and a sofa bed for you

where there is a will
there is a way x

you don’t have to stay till they grow up

i also agree that the upheaval will cause more issues for you and kids down the line

I would leave. I moved my DC 150 miles away, they don't hate me. They see their dad every other weekend, we share the travel.

I am much happier and, as I was the main carer for my dc, that was really important for their happiness. Now I am happy, they are happy, in fact we've all thrived.

It sounds like you are the most important person in your DC's life so your happiness will have a big effect on theirs.

Staying sounds like it will be horrible for you, in fact I think it will be detrimental to your children's happiness because you will be miserable. I don't think them living with an univolved father will make up for that

I chose not to do exactly this when my DP and I split. Meaning I had to rent (could have bought back in home town). It’s annoyed me as ex DP went overseas to work. So I’d seriously consider what’s best for you, where you’ll get the most childcare support

I’m somebody who did what you are thinking about. Miserable marriage, ex- was a total man child who did very little and once my son came along was even more useless. I tried for years to make it work, we went to counselling but we were basically incompatible and I was very unhappy. Lived in an expensive part of the south east, and I moved 150 miles away to another, cheaper part of the country where I knew we would have a better life. My son was 5. I figured he’d made me responsible for all aspects of my sons life by being default useless, so it was up to me to create the life we needed. He threatened a prohibited steps order initially but it was bluster - he didn’t want to pay the legal fees - and more importantly, the solicitors advised him to forget it, I wasn’t moving to Spain, or even Scotland, just another part of England, and it was up to the two of us to make it work.

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve created a whole new life, which feels like my own. My son sees his dad EOW (which does require travel on a Fri eve and a Sunday but that’s the deal) and has him more in the holidays. My son has a phone and will speak and text his dad directly, they have a good relationship. It works out.

Don’t have a horrible unhappy life - children and adults adapt. Plan it out, think about the practicalities and the long term outcome that you want for your kids, and yourself.

I don’t think it’s end of the world taking DC to a new area. At age 6 and 8 they would adapt and would benefit from a better lifestyle and family close by. It would of course be a wrench from friends and their dad. How do you think they would feel about it? Do they make friends easily? How easy is it for you to get a new job in the new area?
Would you find it too much having to drive them to dad at the weekend?

It would obviously be better for them to stay in the family home where they live now but that is not always possible.

I would get some legal advice and see how you feel then.

I'd say if that's the most workable way id do it and arrange custody to fit with this.

I would move, but come to an agreement about holidays and weekends and who will do the travel. I think it's more disruptive to split up and take away the life style they are used to, ie club's etc.

I had a partner who was an OK dad whilst we were together, but lazy and needed spoon feeding. Needless to say he didn't stick around for long and the kids no longer see him. So there is no guarantee he will stay an ok dad.

What's wrong with living in a 2 bed flat? Many, many families do and survive quite happily. I'm sure the children would prefer to live in a flat and have their dad nearby (and all their friends), rather than having a house but being dragged away from everything they know.

OPs eldest is 8, so only 2-3 years until secondary, where childcare costs will go down dramatically. With a decent wage (which op says she has), child maintenance, child benefit and potentially other benefits, OP will be able to afford £2k/m outgoings. Yes, it won't be a life of luxury, but a standard, adequate existence like the majority of children have.

sleep on a sofa?? Are you actually serious? How could OP possibly hope to being best mother she can be living like that. Being a parent means putting the kids first but you also have to take care of yourself and your MH. You can’t give from an empty cup.
Kids can adapt to upheaval especially if they are currently living in a family home with an unhappy parental relationship. Two happy houses is better then one miserable one. If both parents do everything on their power to make change as easy as possible on kids they will adapt.

Not to mention two opposite sex children sharing the bedroom.

How are any of them meant to have any privacy, especially as they get older? Sleepovers and having friends over will be very difficult.

Seems a high price to pay to keep an unenthusiastic parent, who may choose not to see them that much, in their lives.

Crunchingleaf

no Need to be quite so reactive there

only OP can assess (with a soliciter) what’s best
best for her and her finances
best for her mental health
best for the kids
best for whatever relationship they need with dad

there are many factors and critical is the dad and his likely role moving forward

as yeah if he’s a useless father she may as well move away

if he’s engaged then maybe she needs a medium term plan

the issues of sleepover and solo rooms are a western privilege , and as you will have noticed we have a cost of living crisis

but MN can be middle class and monied

not everyone has the means to give kids a room each . Especially in cities

not everyone has the means to give kids a room each . Especially in cities

Hence why many people choose to move out of cities as their kids get older to give them more space.

Yes, many families do live and manage in overcrowded accommodation. No, it's not ideal and studies have shown that poor quality, cramped accommodation has detrimental effects on mood, wellbeing and physical health.