How bad would it be to move the children away from their father?

[Wanda616]

I think I want to leave my husband but I can't afford to stay living here. I would like to move back to my home town and family but it is several hundred miles away. He is a lazy husband, but a decent dad. Kids are 6 & 8 so it would be a massive upheaval for them.

You need to stay close enough to their dad, school, friends etc. I am Irish, living in Scotland. I thought really hard about having children, because I was aware that it meant not ever going home to live as I had thought I would

Really respect this approach.

YOU chose to have dc where you live now op. This is where they've grown up, where their dad is.

There will be many, many properties and areas that are affordable for you that are closer than the 'several hundred miles' away your family are. You don't need to go anywhere near that far. Yes, you may have to move out of your immediate area but there will be no need to move to the opposite end of the Country. Doing so would be incredibly unfair on the dc and their dad.

A friend of mine did this. Moved away with her (slightly older) kids to be near family. Kids have really enjoyed growing up nearer their cousins and seeing more of their grandparents than they would have.
Weekdays have been much more consistent by living in one house.
She and her ex have made it work by driving quite long distances a couple of times a month for the kids to stay with Dad. He has them more in the holidays too.
It has worked out for them.

You haven’t actually said why you want to leave your husband, apart from his laziness.

If you took them that far away, at a minimum you would be expected to pay the travel costs for him to see them regularly.

He could go to court and stop you taking the kids, or he could apply for full custody, and would stand a pretty good chance of getting it.

Try a benefits calculator, see what you're entitled to, and factor in maintenence from him too, you may be financially better off than you think.

It’s a pretty shocking thing to do to your kids if he is a decent dad. What arrangements would you make for them to spend time with him and maintain their relationship? How would you feel if someone disappeared with your kids?

I know British courts are more likely to favour the mother than where I live (Australia). I have been in Court a number of times here where dad has been invited to apply for full custody because mum moved away and was held to have intentionally deprived the children of their right to a relationship with their father which is their right under our Family Law Act. Unless you are very confident of your legal position I would definitely consult a solicitor before making any final decisions. Believe me it is amazing how many lazy dads change their tune when mum is no longer there doing everything, sometimes yes it’s about power and control, but sometimes the thought of losing their kids really does give lazy dad a kick up the arse.

You "think" you want to leave. Have you spoken to your husband about stepping up more? Have you & he worked on your own relationship to make that better? Has he changed significantly since you got married? Nobody wants to be in an unhappy marriage but there doesn't seem to be anything that can't be changed from what you say - if BOTH of you are willing to make the effort. Leaving and divorcing will have long term consequences and will require a lot of effort in itself. I recommend the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" to you to read first.

You need to talk to a solicitor and see what you’d be entitled to in a divorce. You can’t stay where you are miserable, but you might not get full custody either and won’t be able to move away. I take massive issue with your comment he’s a good dad but would be a shit mum - absolutely sexist crap. He’s either a decent parent or he’s not.
I hope you manage to work it out so everyone is ok, including yourself.

You might take issue with it but its a fact that he's more involved than nearly every other dad I know and far less involved than almost every other mum.

Is it more likely that I've tried absolutely everything to improve my current situation, or that I considered uprooting my children from their lives - and me from my life, I have a job and friends here - on a whim? I have tried everything, he is not interested.

Have you calculated child maintenance in your budget? What about a 1 bed flat with a day bed in the living room for you? Have you been on entitled to to see what you'd be able to claim benefits wise as am sure you'd get help with child care fees?

I'm astonished by some responses to this thread.

OP, do your research on your financial situation post split and also try to work on the marriage / get your DH into some counselling.

There's absolutely no reason why you should have to stay somewhere you can't afford and don't have any back up. Consult a solicitor to see if there's anything legally binding keeping you there but families and parents move for work and different reasons all the time. This is backwards sexist nonsense from PP.

Far better your DC grow up seeing you happy, fulfilled and with family around them.

Good luck with whatever you choose

Can you stay in the family home? He could move out?

I'm surprised by the replies on this thread. I don't think that moving DC of this age away would be a disaster, as long as you facilitate as much contact as possible with their dad. Teens would be a different story.

How about the whole household relocating to where your family are? At least with having your own family close by you can lean on them for support.

OP, do your research on your financial situation post split and also try to work on the marriage / get your DH into some counselling.

I have done both of these. The marriage isn't going to improve. We've had counselling, I communicate as best as I can. Anything even slightly critical of him is shot down "I'm sick of you speaking to me like this all the time", "Why are you so acidic towards me?" He has no interest in me. Evenings, once I've done bedtime (on my own, every night) are spent with him.silent, scrolling through his phone.

I have looked at the financials. I know about child benefit, and cms, and local housing, and wrap around care. I cannot do it here or within 25 miles of here, probably further. I could do it in my home town, where my mum would provide wrap around care some days, housing is massively cheaper, and the commute would be far shorter. I can't do it here.

I've asked the question how bad would it be to move away. I've had clear, unequivocal answers that it would be selfish and my children would hate me, so that's the question answered. I won't be going anywhere.

My husband has worked for the same company in the same (niche) industry for 20 years. He would lose a fortune in pension and benefits, and wouldn't be able to get an equivalent job there. Plus he won't clean a pair of glasses, he definitely won't move house.

OP, I think you've had some unfair responses here because I think everyone has been treating your DC's relationship with their father as something which needs to be prioritised above all else to ensure their welfare. I think you should treat this relationship* *as one factor in their welfare, but not necessarily the overriding one.

Legally, you can move, no restrictions, but your husband could get a court order to prevent the children moving. In reality, there is no way that he can stop you taking the children unless he is prepared* *to step up and be their main carer so you could always call his bluff on that one.

But you've asked whether it would be wrong of you to take the children, I.e what you should do. I think you need to look holistically at the whole situation and try to make a decision ultimately about what would be in their best interests and I don't think prioritising a relationship with a fairly uninvolved father is necessarily the right solution. Instead, you need to weigh up the advantages of the move for your children (you supported by your family to work and earn more, higher material standard of living, better housing, potentially access to better schools, closer to wider family etc.) against the clear disadvantages (much less contact with their father, their lives disrupted) in making your decision. If you are unable to offer your children a decent standard of living as a single parent where you currently live, for example, that would seem a very good reason to move to me.

The OP moving both children into a one-bed flat with her sleeping in the living room is not an acceptable solution, especially in a few years time when they will be teens and everyone will need more privacy. They need a minimal, acceptable level of housing and, if they can't get it where they live, there is no choice but to move.

What I would look at is how to increase your earnings - difficult to advise without knowing what you do but it sounds like your salary is fairly low at the moment. I know this is easier said than done.

I would also look at areas which are cheaper but still within an hour or so of where your husband is based, he could then choose to move as well and still commute to work or if he stayed put, he could still see them regularly. I don't think you have to stay within 10 miles but moving hundreds of miles away is a very different kettle of fish.

If they were teenagers, they could at least potentially travel between homes independently in the holidays but at these ages you would basically be severing their relationship with their dad

He's decent, for a dad. He'd be a shit mum.

🙄 absolutely ridiculous comment. If he's a shit parent then he's a shit parent - he doesn't get extra special points because he's a man.

My kids are going to hate me regardless of what I decide.

If I move away, they'll hate me for taking them from their dad.
If I split but stay local, they'll hate me for making them live a fairly miserable life in a poky shit flat, not being able to afford their activities or any sort of treat.
If I stay, they'll internalise how my husband treats me, and grow up to see me as a domestic appliance who they can take the piss out of without consequences.
What a choice.

I’m with you OP. Check out your legal situation but make a happy life for your children and you near you family and their cousins. To other posters saying “there must be thousands of properties near you” - you have the massive privilege of not having to face OP’s situation right now with this country’s ridiculous housing market and looming cost of living crisis. And for those of you calling OP a sexist - you are also in denial about the difference in definition of “decent parent” for women compared to men, in many peoples recently lived experience.

Have you considered relationship counselling? Is his laziness the only problem?

I earn reasonably well. Too well to qualify for benefits. A 1 bed isn't going to work for long, the children are opposite sex and will need separate rooms in the fairly near future. I'll be sleeping on a day bed in a 2 bed anyway. If I up my hours the extra is swallowed by childcare and commuting costs. Believe me I have done the numbers over and over.

If you earn too well to qualify for benefits you're not going to be stuck in a poky flat.