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Original poster

How bad would it be to move the children away from their father?

137 replies

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 07:48

I think I want to leave my husband but I can't afford to stay living here. I would like to move back to my home town and family but it is several hundred miles away. He is a lazy husband, but a decent dad. Kids are 6 & 8 so it would be a massive upheaval for them.

OP posts:
lilroo87 · 14/09/2022 10:03

My dad was very lazy and we rarely saw him when him and my mum split and we lived about 20 minutes away. He started off swing us at weekends, then it was 1 day at weekends and then it was never. I don't speak to him now as it's always one sided and I can't be bothered.

Even if OP stays close by (let's face it dad won't move if he's lazy) then he might start off seeing the kids but that will likely get less and less.

There's no reason for OP to stay in a relationship where she is essentially a single parent anyway and the counselling has done nothing.

OP, I'd move and be nearer to family. The kids probably won't be too happy but as they get older they'll realise what it was like for you and why you left. It's no life being miserable until the kids are older and then leaving, you'll just get ground down and the kids will notice how unhappy you are

lilroo87 · 14/09/2022 10:03

Seeing not swing*

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 10:06

If you moved you would be expected to facilitate all the travel for them to see him.

I think it would be a bit shit for the kids but they'll get used to it and you have to do what you have to do.

ClaryFairchild · 14/09/2022 10:10

If you can't afford to live there then you can't afford to live there. It's simple facts. The children will not benefit by their mother being made destitute. Move to where you will have a decent quality of life and make some sort of arrangements for your STBXH to see them when he can.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 14/09/2022 10:12

I'm not leaving the children with him. I arrange every activity and appointment - doctor, dentist, optician. I run the family calendar, do homework, pack lunch boxes, meal plan and cook healthy goods, nit comb, make sure uniforms and shoes are clean and fit well, sort play dates, speak to teachers, do every single night waking. He wouldn't know where to begin.

If you went to stay with your parents for a fortnight he would have to cope, wouldn't he?

WinterDeWinter · 14/09/2022 10:18

He's not a decent father if he doesn't do any of the caring.

firstmummy2019 · 14/09/2022 10:22

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:24

Rent £1000. Council tax £120. Wrap around child care £300 in term time and more in holidays. Utilities at least £250. Commuting and car insurance £150+. Phone £20. The most basic food and toiletries £200. That's £2k a month for a miserable, basic life in a cramped flat. Can't afford it.

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But you could get help from universal credit and the father would have to pay maintenance.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/09/2022 10:26

WinterDeWinter · 14/09/2022 10:18

He's not a decent father if he doesn't do any of the caring.

That’s like saying a mum isn’t a decent mum if she doesn’t do any of the earning to provide for her children.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/09/2022 10:43

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/09/2022 10:26

That’s like saying a mum isn’t a decent mum if she doesn’t do any of the earning to provide for her children.

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No it's not!

It's not the same at all.

Caring goes way beyond putting food on the table (or in this case, earning the money for someone else to put food on the table).

This guy absolutely isn't a decent father.

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 10:48

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/09/2022 10:26

That’s like saying a mum isn’t a decent mum if she doesn’t do any of the earning to provide for her children.

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The two really aren't the same. To be a decent parent, you actually have to do some parenting. Whether you're earning or not.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2022 10:52

Op you could live next door and he still wouldn't make the effort to see them necessarily. When your dh has let you down this badly all you can do is look after yourself and the kids, you can't control his reaction whatever the distance. You've been backed into a corner by his utter lack of... Gumption.

LoveToWearADress · 14/09/2022 12:23

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 09:02

OP, do your research on your financial situation post split and also try to work on the marriage / get your DH into some counselling.

I have done both of these. The marriage isn't going to improve. We've had counselling, I communicate as best as I can. Anything even slightly critical of him is shot down "I'm sick of you speaking to me like this all the time", "Why are you so acidic towards me?" He has no interest in me. Evenings, once I've done bedtime (on my own, every night) are spent with him.silent, scrolling through his phone.

I have looked at the financials. I know about child benefit, and cms, and local housing, and wrap around care. I cannot do it here or within 25 miles of here, probably further. I could do it in my home town, where my mum would provide wrap around care some days, housing is massively cheaper, and the commute would be far shorter. I can't do it here.

I've asked the question how bad would it be to move away. I've had clear, unequivocal answers that it would be selfish and my children would hate me, so that's the question answered. I won't be going anywhere.

I'm sure it will work better for you if you move away. How long have you spent with your parents / DM recently - do you still get on, will she support your move emotionally and practically? Do the DC get on with her? If the answers are broadly 'yes' then do it. I did & am much happier. Can't believe I didn't do it years ago

AnuSTart · 14/09/2022 12:34

That's a low bloody bar to be a decent dad!
He's lousy!

And a lousy partner too.
Horrible to have to live like that. Horrible that so many people think it's ok for women to live like that, effectively a life of servitude to the needs of others. FFS.

I would start looking further afield.
Look at what financial aid you can get.
Also adults on here who 'have still not forgiven their mums ' for this should seek therapy imo. The only people they are truly hurting with such bitterness is themselves

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 12:47

Horrible that so many people think it's ok for women to live like that, effectively a life of servitude to the needs of others.

Completely agree - why should the OP work her arse off, sleep on a pull-out bed in the living-room, go without family help and condemn her children to a miserable life with no privacy, space, activities and treats just so they can stay near to a man who doesn't care enough about them or their mother to even do basic care for them or clean up after himself?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 14/09/2022 12:52

Why would you have to leave the family home? Have you had some legal advice?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 14/09/2022 12:58

You need to ask your husband to leave rather than you move out.

Or sell the current property so you can afford to buy your own home.

Get decent legal no advice.

You moving out should be the very last option.

Fwiw I do think it would be unreasonable for you to move the kids miles away as some contact with their dad is better than none. I say that as a parent of a dd who has no contact with her dad and it has definitely negatively affected her.

howrudeforme · 14/09/2022 13:05

When I split up neither of us could afford to stay. I moved back to home town with ds and ex followed.

ds was 9. It was a wrench for him (and me). So ex followed us and lives locally. In this time 6 years) he’s contributed one pair of school shoes, ds stays over but ex just cooks dinner then goes to sleep. Not paid a penny of maintenance etc. still never bothers with parent teacher evenings.

He’s now decided to return to his home country. DS won’t even notice tbh.

you need to think about finances - you also need to think about support. If you have both in your home town it will be better for you and your kids in the long term.

Ridley10 · 14/09/2022 13:06

This will probably be considered a very bad thing to do but could you float the idea of moving to him whilst you’re together? Then once you’ve moved take steps to leave him? That way you’re nearer family and the kids would be settled in a new area.

OhWelllWhatever · 14/09/2022 13:29

MessyBunPersonified · 14/09/2022 09:25

People are trying to help, there's no need to be snarky about it.

What's the situation with the house you live in now?

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To be fair to the op it was a spectacularly stupid comment.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 13:40

@OhWelllWhatever no it wasn't a stupid comment at all. Based on the OP stating her outgoings of £2000 are unaffordable she'd clearly be entitled to benefits and isn't a high earner.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/09/2022 13:44

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 13:40

@OhWelllWhatever no it wasn't a stupid comment at all. Based on the OP stating her outgoings of £2000 are unaffordable she'd clearly be entitled to benefits and isn't a high earner.

I kind of agree - that suggests a salary of under £24k, I think? Which is under the average and surely with two children entitled to some housing benefit at least

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/09/2022 13:46

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/09/2022 13:44

I kind of agree - that suggests a salary of under £24k, I think? Which is under the average and surely with two children entitled to some housing benefit at least

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Sorry being silly - salary of under £24k after tax so maybe about £30k before tax, still not a very high salary

been and done it. · 14/09/2022 13:54

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 09:10

My kids are going to hate me regardless of what I decide.

If I move away, they'll hate me for taking them from their dad.
If I split but stay local, they'll hate me for making them live a fairly miserable life in a poky shit flat, not being able to afford their activities or any sort of treat.
If I stay, they'll internalise how my husband treats me, and grow up to see me as a domestic appliance who they can take the piss out of without consequences.
What a choice.

My opinion? You should leave and go back home with your children, don't be beaten down by all these 'your kids will hate you posts' it's your life, your children will be fine. If he wants to see them he will work it out - it sounds as if it won't be a stretch financially for him to travel..other people manage perfectly well in this situation- it's hardly your fault the cost of other housing is prohibitive in your area you have little choice but to go home where you'll have family and support. Good luck.

OhWelllWhatever · 14/09/2022 13:58

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 13:40

@OhWelllWhatever no it wasn't a stupid comment at all. Based on the OP stating her outgoings of £2000 are unaffordable she'd clearly be entitled to benefits and isn't a high earner.

Whether op is entitled to benefits or not - how could you possibly know what housing she can afford to make the assumption she wont be stuck in a poky flat? 🤨

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 14:16

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 13:40

@OhWelllWhatever no it wasn't a stupid comment at all. Based on the OP stating her outgoings of £2000 are unaffordable she'd clearly be entitled to benefits and isn't a high earner.

But why would benefits get you more than a poky flat? Like I said, there are lots of dual income families in our area who are stuck in 'poky flats' with their children - I can't imagine a single income family (even with help from benefits) is going to be better off than them.

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