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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! MiL driving me crazy over washing things for her.

159 replies

KAYMACK · 13/09/2022 23:50

I need advice! I am not very good around the house and my MiL senses this and loves to gaslight me. She does not have a washing machine and gives me difficult things to wash... but does not tell me how I should wash them, then loves to chastise me for using the wrong cycles, saying something shrunk, the colour faded, I have ruined a favourite garment... She even gave me some things that should only have been dry washed just because she knew I would ruin them and she could have more "ammunition" against me.

Can anyone tell me how I should wash the following, which she has given me? Black woollen gloves (mittens). Cashmere scarves. She also gave me an "ethnic" handkerchief that she brought back from Nepal when visiting some hill tribe, I do not know what to do with this material!

OP posts:
Simplelife1 · 14/09/2022 10:42

Take them to a dry cleaners, give her the ticket, she can pay them when she collects?

Orangesare · 14/09/2022 10:45

Not RTFT but when hand washing make sure you use the same temperature of water to wash and rinse in. The shock of temperature changes increases the chance of shrinkage.

ZuzuSusu · 14/09/2022 10:53

Why doesn't hubbie wash them?

Cherchezlaspice · 14/09/2022 10:55

ZuzuSusu · 14/09/2022 10:53

Why doesn't hubbie wash them?

LOTS of us have asked this. No answer.

mybest · 14/09/2022 12:29

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 08:17

But the thing is I told hubbie I would (1) do this for the last time and if she asked again or complained we would declare "a rest from you for six months" (2) do it right and no mistake this time. So I thought if I got advice from Mumsnet on how to wash three things, she would not be able to challenge it, and he would see what she is like. What I mean is: I am not good at these things. But if someone could tell me EXACTLY HOW to wash the items, that would be the same as a "court of law", if it were. So if MiL complains, I can show hubbie the "decision" of expert mums on HOW these things are washed and, if I follow it, he will back me up in not speaking with her for six months if/when she complains...

So how do you wash them?

WHY. ISN’T. YOUR. HUSBAND. DOING. IT

hopeishere · 14/09/2022 12:36

Ate they actually dirty? If not I'd febreeze them and iron them and give them back.

Original poster
KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 12:50

mybest · 14/09/2022 12:29

WHY. ISN’T. YOUR. HUSBAND. DOING. IT

Show quote history

He would do it, but he works as a delivery driver and he is out almost the whole time. I do not have the heart, as he works very hard despite some medical issues. The MiL does not have a machine as she give us ours, did I not write this? This was when we were going through a very hard time financially. In a way, we still are.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 14/09/2022 13:01

Oh I’m out. This is annoying.

Don’t wash the fucking obscure clothes. Pull yourself together.

Frlrlrubert · 14/09/2022 13:31

You seem to have got yourself in a situation where you feel you 'owe' MIL?

When you used her machine, did she do your washing or did you?

Why is she giving you hand-wash / dry clean only items? To set you up to fail? Just hand them back and say 'these aren't machine washable'.

She makes jokes about your domestic incompetence at family gatherings? Own it. Life is too short to be worrying about washing cashmere.

Give fewer fucks. Generally comes with age, but who gives a shit if your family / DHs family find out you're no domestic goddess? I gladly tell all and sundry I was everything in the machine (at 30 minimum) and if it doesn't make it that's natural select pertaining to clothing. My mum makes faces but she can not visit if my standards offend her.

Floomobal · 14/09/2022 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gamerchick · 14/09/2022 13:36

Give her them back, tell her they're done. Buy a washing machine and drop the one she gave you off at hers.

I'd rather get one out of littlewoods than put up with that OP.

Seriously, no more washing.

Chewbecca · 14/09/2022 13:37

I would let her come round and do her washing at my house in your situation, but I would NOT do it for her.

declutteringmymind · 14/09/2022 13:39

Yes, just tell her to come round and do it herself.

JFDIYOLO · 05/01/2023 08:48

What a weird dynamic she has set up, OP - dragging up an old favour to control and dominate you.
This has to end.
Tell her to buy a small washing machine.
Get her one for her birthday.
Tell DH from now on he's on mum laundry duty.
Say no.
Anything but run round like a blue-arsed fly (as my nanna used to say) desperately trying to find out how to do the right thing to please her, because that's not the outcome she wants.
She feeds on the drama this whole situation blows up.
It's the behaviour of a parasite.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:50

Can anyone tell me how I should wash the following, which she has given me? Black woollen gloves (mittens). Cashmere scarves. She also gave me an "ethnic" handkerchief that she brought back from Nepal when visiting some hill tribe, I do not know what to do with this material!
Stop thinking about HOW to do laundry & start REFUSING to do it point blank.

She even gave me some things that should only have been dry washed just because she knew I would ruin them and she could have more "ammunition" against me.
So ... you are wise enough to see through her manipulation & headgames, but not wise enough to learn that the more you pander to them, the worse they will get?
"MiL, you can take your laundry home again as I won't be doing it. You deliberately give me difficult items to wash so that you can then complain about it - I'm not going to be your mug anymore."

Really - be that blunt.
She is bullying you, She won't stop until you Name The Problem & get assertive.
Stop being her servant.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:53

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 08:17

But the thing is I told hubbie I would (1) do this for the last time and if she asked again or complained we would declare "a rest from you for six months" (2) do it right and no mistake this time. So I thought if I got advice from Mumsnet on how to wash three things, she would not be able to challenge it, and he would see what she is like. What I mean is: I am not good at these things. But if someone could tell me EXACTLY HOW to wash the items, that would be the same as a "court of law", if it were. So if MiL complains, I can show hubbie the "decision" of expert mums on HOW these things are washed and, if I follow it, he will back me up in not speaking with her for six months if/when she complains...

So how do you wash them?

Fucksake Kaymack - wake up!

All this strategising & alternative choices & worry about technique ... when instead, you could just tell your H that HE can do his mum's laundry now, & deal with her responses.

Why does this job fall to you? It's HIS mother.

Ladyofthelake53 · 05/01/2023 12:53

Bloody cheek shes got tell her to go to the launderette

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:54

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 12:50

He would do it, but he works as a delivery driver and he is out almost the whole time. I do not have the heart, as he works very hard despite some medical issues. The MiL does not have a machine as she give us ours, did I not write this? This was when we were going through a very hard time financially. In a way, we still are.

Show quote history

Delivery drivers can operate washing machines.
People doing 70 hour weeks can operate washing machines.
People with penises can operate washing machines.

Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2023 12:54

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:00

The awkward thing is that we used her machine when we were just starting out and could not afford one. Now she has downsized and, for some reason, has not bought one. So I feel obliged to do this for her. Please advise me on which cycles I should run these things and the maximum temperatures!!

The advice you need isn’t related to washing cycles love

JFDIYOLO · 05/01/2023 14:09

Mumsnet isn't about enabling women to enable manipulative emotionally blackmailing controllers. So no 'how to do her washing' advice is likely to happen here.
You're not getting what you want, here - but you are most definitely getting what you need!

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:53

Oh for the love of god, this is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read. Have you heard of feminism OP, or was it your dream to grow up and be a skivvy? How much washing does your husband do for your mum? How much does he do for his own mother, or is the risk of his dick falling off too high?

If you want to be a sexist doormat, go for it, but in 20 years time don’t start crying that no one has any respect for you.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:54

ZuzuSusu · 14/09/2022 10:53

Why doesn't hubbie wash them?

Because he’s a man obviously and his huge dick means he can’t get close enough to the washing machine to press a few buttons 🥺

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:56

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 12:50

He would do it, but he works as a delivery driver and he is out almost the whole time. I do not have the heart, as he works very hard despite some medical issues. The MiL does not have a machine as she give us ours, did I not write this? This was when we were going through a very hard time financially. In a way, we still are.

Show quote history

Oh he works?! Oh yeah in that case, no way on earth he can be expected to press a few buttons on a washing machine like most single people who work do. Poor love 🙄

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2023 15:18

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:00

The awkward thing is that we used her machine when we were just starting out and could not afford one. Now she has downsized and, for some reason, has not bought one. So I feel obliged to do this for her. Please advise me on which cycles I should run these things and the maximum temperatures!!

Do they have washing labels in them?