Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! MiL driving me crazy over washing things for her.

159 replies

KAYMACK · 13/09/2022 23:50

I need advice! I am not very good around the house and my MiL senses this and loves to gaslight me. She does not have a washing machine and gives me difficult things to wash... but does not tell me how I should wash them, then loves to chastise me for using the wrong cycles, saying something shrunk, the colour faded, I have ruined a favourite garment... She even gave me some things that should only have been dry washed just because she knew I would ruin them and she could have more "ammunition" against me.

Can anyone tell me how I should wash the following, which she has given me? Black woollen gloves (mittens). Cashmere scarves. She also gave me an "ethnic" handkerchief that she brought back from Nepal when visiting some hill tribe, I do not know what to do with this material!

OP posts:
Original poster
KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:23

picklemewalnuts · 14/09/2022 00:18

30 degrees delicate cycle.

Or, radical i know, just ruin them. Tell her they'll go on a normal wash and shrug about how bad you are at washing.

Do not NOT apologise if things shrink or whatever.

Be strategically incompetent, and don't give a hoot about it.

Oh well, at least it's clean!
Tinkly laugh.

But don't put the exotic hanky/scarf in with other stuff. At a guess it's a colour bomb trap, designed to dye your washing orange!

30 degrees delicates? That's what I was going to do, but was told differently in the post above you.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 14/09/2022 00:24

Is this a cultural thing? As the things you’re saying (and the fact that you won’t explain why your DH can’t sort this) are baffling me.

Ineedwinenow · 14/09/2022 00:32

Don’t you do the handwashing, she asked to you to use your washing machine not be her own personal launderette service! Send it all back and tell her you didn’t want to ruin it knowing it’s all handwash only

Vecna · 14/09/2022 00:45

Fucking hell, just destroy them all. The solution is glaringly obvious.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 00:50

You. Are. Not. Her. Skivvy.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/09/2022 00:53

Just tell her if she doesn’t like how you wash things she should stop giving them to you to wash and buy a washing machine.

She’s trying to make you upset so your DH buys her washing machine for her to keep the peace and you’re being too much of a people pleaser which is ruining her scheme.

Drop the rope. And especially, return unwashed everything to her that’s hand wash only, like the Nepal scarf or the mittens or anything else weird or stupid, because these obviously don’t need a washing machine so her logic of giving them to you because she has no washing machine doesn’t even make sense.

She’s being utterly lazy.

MermaidMummy06 · 14/09/2022 01:05

She's not bought a washer because she's enjoying this. She's deliberately sending you difficult things so you'll ruin them & she can put you down.

Stop the war. No ammo, no game playing, no revenge. Just tell DH you've had enough & it's his job now. You won't be touching her washing. If she tries to publicly shame you, shut her down calmly. Perhaps say you've no idea why it's so odd to expect a man to do his share of the washing & turn to speak to someone else, asking about kids etc. Don't put yourself down & say you're crap at washing etc. Taking back your power & not engaging in their rubbish works. Trying to appease or score victories against her will cause more misery because it'll be something else next. I've been there. My MIL was openly abusive & this worked. I also no longer cared what she said & made zero effort. It was incredibly freeing.

I guarantee once lobbed with the job, your DH will very quickly buy her a washer anyway.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/09/2022 01:06

Because this is a scam to get your DH to buy her a washing machine, the more you try to ‘get it right’ or help her, the more she will pick fault and trash your hard work.

Just ignore any washing she tries to hand you. If she leaves it in your house, leave it where she put it. When she asks about it, return it untouched. Tell her you are busy. Don’t give details of what you’re busy with. Be vague.

Turn any rude interrogations around on her and pursue a single line of enquiry: ‘Have you found a washing machine yet?’ ‘What washing machines have you looked at?’ ‘Are you going to buy a new machine or a second hand one?’ ‘Have you looked on Freecycle for a free washing machine?’ ‘Are you going for a washer or a washer dryer?’ ‘Did you see the sale in (insert shop name)? They sell washing machines.’ ‘The interesting thing about washer dryers is they can do everything but only take up the space of one appliance…’ ‘Make sure your machine has enough delicates settings! Do you think you’ll find it easier to handwash your mittens when you have a washing machine?’ Just inane endless questions about it.

Do not get roped into paying for the bloody thing, if she goes on about being unable to afford it tell her to look at freecycle or do the ‘oh dear that’s a shame’ response without offering to help her.

Every minute you waste washing her shit is a minute she has stolen from you taking care of your own home and family. Stop letting her steal your time!

legsarerequiredforjumpingdancing · 14/09/2022 01:28

Why are you refusing to answer the questions of why you haven’t told your husband to do it?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/09/2022 01:45

Don't wash them, and say you did!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2022 01:49

if I got anything wrong it would be brought up at all family gatherings

This must be a cultural thing. Because I cannot imagine my family being anything but baffled at one woman chastising another about washing.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/09/2022 01:56

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:20

That's brilliant. I will hand wash the gloves and the handkerchief, tell her to dry clean the cashmere scarves, then simply refuse to do any more. I just wanted to get this washing right as a moral victory, because if I got anything wrong it would be brought up at all family gatherings. It will be worth it just doing the hand washing to then get her out of my hair. If I had refused or done it wrong, say using a "delicates" programme, then it would have been worse, as it would have been ammo against me.

I can assure you there is no victory for you by going down this path. Ever.

'MIL, I'm not sure why you keep asking me to do your laundry when you are never happy with the way I do it. Feel free to use our washing machine though, so you can wash your things the right way.'

Or one of the numerous other sensible solutions in this thread that don't involve you slaving over a sink only to inevitably 'ruin' something else.

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2022 02:20

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:00

The awkward thing is that we used her machine when we were just starting out and could not afford one. Now she has downsized and, for some reason, has not bought one. So I feel obliged to do this for her. Please advise me on which cycles I should run these things and the maximum temperatures!!

You are not obliged to do it. Stop letting her use you, not just as a laundry servant but for entertainment.

ShandaLear · 14/09/2022 03:55

You’re doing your MIL’s laundry? Why on earth would you do that?

Superfrog3 · 14/09/2022 04:05

I would spray them with febreeze and hand them back as if I'd done them 🤷‍♀️

Also you can't let it be a long term thubg washing her things. As a lot of what she is giving you is hand wash and I assume she has a sink ... its not just a case of she doesn't have a washer, she just wants you to do it all.

SettingsO · 14/09/2022 04:05

Stick them on a boil wash. She’ll soon stop.

The issue isn’t the washing, so you’ll never get it ‘right’

TulipCat · 14/09/2022 04:07

This is such odd behaviour. What does she do with all her ordinary laundry?

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 14/09/2022 04:13

FFS do not hand wash a few bits, there’s no reason she can’t hand wash at home. Stop enabling the madness.

Charlieiscool · 14/09/2022 04:33

Why does this awful woman want ammo to use against you when life would be so much better for both of you if you could just be friends? Really you need to step back and see what she is and then just smile or shrug off the comments made by the silly old bat. You have given her power over you that she isn’t entitled to.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 14/09/2022 04:35

Fabreze.

Fraaahnces · 14/09/2022 04:45

Buy her one of these…

Mini washing machine

Robinsonsquashedme · 14/09/2022 04:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2022 01:49

if I got anything wrong it would be brought up at all family gatherings

This must be a cultural thing. Because I cannot imagine my family being anything but baffled at one woman chastising another about washing.

Thinking the same. In our family everyone would respond with 'Well buy yourself a washing machine and do your own washing you idiot!'

I was brought up with 'it it doesn't go in on nonfast colours it doesn't get washed!

WoodlandMummy · 14/09/2022 04:54

Zerrin13 · 13/09/2022 23:58

One of the daftest threads in a good while

Took the words right out of my mouth

EmmaH2022 · 14/09/2022 05:00

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:00

The awkward thing is that we used her machine when we were just starting out and could not afford one. Now she has downsized and, for some reason, has not bought one. So I feel obliged to do this for her. Please advise me on which cycles I should run these things and the maximum temperatures!!

You used her machine
so let her use your machine
don’t let her use you!

Autumnisclose · 14/09/2022 05:03

FFS stop being such a doormat. Hand her washing back, point her to the washing machine and let her crack on. Who cares who she moans to about your cleaning skills. What nonsense

Swipe left for the next trending thread