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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! MiL driving me crazy over washing things for her.

159 replies

KAYMACK · 13/09/2022 23:50

I need advice! I am not very good around the house and my MiL senses this and loves to gaslight me. She does not have a washing machine and gives me difficult things to wash... but does not tell me how I should wash them, then loves to chastise me for using the wrong cycles, saying something shrunk, the colour faded, I have ruined a favourite garment... She even gave me some things that should only have been dry washed just because she knew I would ruin them and she could have more "ammunition" against me.

Can anyone tell me how I should wash the following, which she has given me? Black woollen gloves (mittens). Cashmere scarves. She also gave me an "ethnic" handkerchief that she brought back from Nepal when visiting some hill tribe, I do not know what to do with this material!

OP posts:
daretodenim · 14/09/2022 05:09

Definitely don't bother washing anything. She's playing games with you, you know it (say she's gaslighting you) and are letting her do it to you.

Why do you think it's ok for her to treat you like this?

Because you used her washing machine in the past?!

She's actively belittling you, treating you badly and you're rubbing along after essentially saying "Look MIL, I got it right!" And she's laughing and giving you something else to wash. If you really think she deserves anything, then give a like for like exchange a you used her machine, she uses yours (when you're not there).

Don't sell your self-worth for the past use of a washing machine.

Popaholic · 14/09/2022 05:29

I'd be telling her, with the price of energy and the issue of waste that you are only running full loads of washing on 30 degrees. So she should hand wash her gloves and dry clean the scarf. Hand them back

TheEggChair · 14/09/2022 05:39

Aren't there any washing labels on the gloves and scarves? I wouldn't wash those, they seem to be dry clean only.

sliverofsilver · 14/09/2022 05:51

I'm another one wondering why dh isn't doing it? I would never do this for mil not even once. Dh sorta his mother out if she asks for anything unreasonable in this house. Which she often does.

Bootsandcat · 14/09/2022 05:55

you probably need wool detergent? I always hate washing wool, sometimes it comes out crunchy… remember to shape it when it comes out and perhaps dry it on a towel rather than dangle it on the line

YukoandHiro · 14/09/2022 05:58

Can you afford to buy her a cheap washing machine? I feeli like if you can avoid £200 it might be the best money you've ever spent

TokyoTen · 14/09/2022 06:16

"Having felt the fabric these items are hand-wash I believe so sending them back, and of course I know they are precious to you so I certainly wouldn't risk the machine".

lurker69 · 14/09/2022 06:25

give them a few squirts of febreze and hand them back! would be interesting to see if you have 'ruined' them in the wash as well!

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 06:27

TokyoTen · 14/09/2022 06:16

"Having felt the fabric these items are hand-wash I believe so sending them back, and of course I know they are precious to you so I certainly wouldn't risk the machine".

YES! Perfect

roundandroundthegarden1 · 14/09/2022 06:40

I wouldn't bloody wash them!
Tell her - "I seem to have ruined so many of your lovely items, I think it's best you take them to a professional? Maybe a dry cleaner or somewhere that can clean this fabric better".
And don't wash anything else for the CF.

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2022 07:47

Say, why are you asking me aren't you worried I'll ruin it again.
Are these things actually dirty.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 14/09/2022 07:52

I would just take them and hand them back in a few days and pretend I've washed them, maybe spray with a bit of air refresher. Wink serves the witch right.

I would also buy her a cheap washing machine for Christmas if you can afford too.

Original poster
KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 08:17

But the thing is I told hubbie I would (1) do this for the last time and if she asked again or complained we would declare "a rest from you for six months" (2) do it right and no mistake this time. So I thought if I got advice from Mumsnet on how to wash three things, she would not be able to challenge it, and he would see what she is like. What I mean is: I am not good at these things. But if someone could tell me EXACTLY HOW to wash the items, that would be the same as a "court of law", if it were. So if MiL complains, I can show hubbie the "decision" of expert mums on HOW these things are washed and, if I follow it, he will back me up in not speaking with her for six months if/when she complains...

So how do you wash them?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/09/2022 08:24

But but but….

He should be backing you up REGARDLESS that doing her washing is madness.

You don’t need to go no contact because of the washing, you just need to stop doing the washing.

If he doesn’t like that, he can do the washing.

So how do you wash them?

You don’t. As most of the thread has said!

Black woollen gloves (mittens).

  • hand wash only. Return to MIL so she can do it in her own sink.

Cashmere scarves.

  • hand wash only. Return to MIL so she can do it in her own sink.

”ethnic" handkerchief that she brought back from Nepal when visiting some hill tribe

  • hand wash only. Return to MIL so she can do it in her own sink.
layladomino · 14/09/2022 08:25

So you have to prove yourself to your husband for him to support you? Does he think it's normal that his mum hadn't got a washing machine? Does he think it's OK that she insists on you doing her washing, even things that would benefit from being handwashed (ie she could do it herself)? Why does he think doing HIS mum's washing is your job, rather than his? Does he think it's OK that she critisises you, including pubicly at family events?

Your MIL is trying to trip you up and using you as a lacky. Your husband is supporting her in doing it.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2022 08:25

Weird that you want laundry advice yet started an aibu referencing your mil? Isn't there a house and garden section?

AhNowTed · 14/09/2022 08:25

To answer your question OP.

They are hand wash items.

What I do with cashmere is, handwash with liquid detergent, then I put it on a 15 minute cycle with no detergent to basically rinse them and give them a short spin. Then hang on a hanger to dry.

If you haven't got a short cycle they'll need to be hand rinsed.

Do not use a normal cycle for cashmere and other delicates. Even a so-called delicate cycle will ruin them.

HTH.

AhNowTed · 14/09/2022 08:26

But goes without saying she should be doing her own hand washing.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2022 08:26

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2022 08:25

Weird that you want laundry advice yet started an aibu referencing your mil? Isn't there a house and garden section?

Apologies, it's in relationships. Which is even weirder.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2022 08:27

I chuck John Lewis and M&S cashmere in the normal wash along with my jeans etc. Haven't hand washed in years.

onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2022 08:28

Answering purely the practical question and not getting into the morals of your mill’s behaviour:

cashmere gloves I would put a tiny amount of wool detergent (such as woollite) in a bowl of tepid water, gently swish the gloves for a few moments. Rinse with one or two bowls of tepid water. Squeeze gently in a towel and leave in a warm ish place to dry flat.

the hanky I would do the same but COLD water. If it starts to run then give it the briefest of washes to minimise the colour loss.

hth (and I sympathise I’m no contact with my own mil)

PersonaNonGarter · 14/09/2022 08:28

Is it 2022

toastedcat · 14/09/2022 08:29

Why the bloody hell can't she just get a washing machine?

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 08:29

Chuck it in a boil wash and be done with it

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/09/2022 08:32

KAYMACK · 14/09/2022 00:00

The awkward thing is that we used her machine when we were just starting out and could not afford one. Now she has downsized and, for some reason, has not bought one. So I feel obliged to do this for her. Please advise me on which cycles I should run these things and the maximum temperatures!!

Wool wash , but I wouldn't do it for her, just tell her to use the machine herself.