Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

He's full of shit.

Given the general awesomeness of your posts, OP, I'd struggle to believe he married you just for a visa and that love did not play a part! Sounds like he's properly fucked up in taking you for granted though.

Deportation would be considered if he received a single or culminate sentence of a least 12 months, or if it was deemed necessary to protect the public.

I wonder if this is a hint that later on he will blame me if he struggles to remain.
so what? You and everyone who matters will know the truth. Stop thinking about what he will think. You can’t go back to him so what are your next options? Great you can stay with your ds. My sister came to stay and help when I had babies and it was amazing having someone to share nights and let me nap in the day when Dh went back to work!

I suspect they are friends but in the context of you having a lot on your mind, he was chancing his arm and seeing if a posh dinner switched it up to something else. It's perfectly possible that nothing happened

I wouldn't go looking for more proof (that way madness lies) but keep this in the back of your mind. And try and find an opportunity to ask about it.

Hope you're OK @JasonWaterfalls

Your sister sounds great.

@Lizzie3001 just as a matter of interest is there any reason you haven't read the whole thread? Do you think nothings moved on since the op first posted?

Just read everything the op has written and you can see how redundant your advice is.

Hugs for OP and high 5s for your sis and BIL !

It might not have been entirely redundant, I mean we've all joined up the dots and decided OP must leave her DH because he's a violent drunk who only married her for a visa and wants to get other women into bed, etc etc etc... It is possible that the situation is more nuanced than that.

Whatever's going on for you OP you sound like a strong, intelligent person who will be able to make sense of things your own way. In the meantime sending you virtual hugs

@Alcemeg I get that. But I think the time for a little conversation has kind of passed when the dh has been arrested for assaulting a cop and the op has left the house...

But the op sounds incredible and I'm glad she has such good support in real life.

I don't know if it was an affair. But his response was enough for me to tip it into the unforgivable.

@dontputitthere True story! But I'm such a naive optimist that I like to imagine the possibility that things have just come to a head in this dramatic way so that DH could realise the error of his ways and from now on will lavish OP with the "extravagant romantic side" she has just discovered. That would be a happy ending in my books! This is probably naive of me.

Yes. I believe it is naive, and too little, too late unfortunately (for him). I think OP has saved herself a few years of unhappiness and uncertainty by finding that receipt.

JasonWaterfalls, his only only regret is that you found him out. Don't be taken in by his obvious lies and pleading. I'd also be inclined to report him

questions-statements.parliament.uk/written-questions/detail/2021-01-25/142849/

JasonWaterfalls, how are you ?

Hi all you lovely people

gosh well. I’m doing ok, although weirdly the queens funeral seemed to unleash a lot of floodgates I was trying to repress and I was in bits mon/Tues. sis and bil still being amazing, although I will probably beleaving them shortly.

Ive heard from him three times since the police came. One was to apologise etc like I said in a PP. I let him know I had taken myself off utility bills as I would no longer be living there to which he replied that I’d ‘clearly made my choice’. I asked bil to come to house with me when h was at work to get some more stuff…He has cleaned out. Pretty much all his stuff was gone, apart from some basics/cheap things. I rang the landlord to ask if he’d heard from him but they hadn’t. It sounds so stupid but I don’t know where my husband is?? I told him I would be filing for no-fault and haven’t heard anything, they can’t even serve him with something if he’s fucked off can they?

I am so grateful for sis and bil, every time I question if I blew everything up by overreacting they are there to remind me he invested more in his fantasy life with his lady friend harem and ‘ex’ girlfriend than in our marriage together. I have to remember that. I don’t really know what’s about to happen but I have applied for a studio apt a bit further out from work. Thank you all so much for your support though this

@JasonWaterfalls you poor thing, it sounds like he is trying to stick you with the bills on the house. Can you/a family member contact his place of work under the pretext of concern for his welfare? It may be that the papers could be served to him at work if necessary?

Hang on in there, it’s tough but everything he has done since you left has proved that you made the right decision.

Wow.

Are you at any financial risk given that he's cleared out? Are you liable?

Did he leave your stuff behind?

It's easy to spend that sort of money in an up market Indian restaurants, a couple of cocktails each £25- £30 , bottle of wine £10-£15 each and then the food.

I can't believe I was dreaming of a happy ending.

So sorry things have turned out this way, OP. Glad you have support IRL, not to mention your incredible strength of character!

Wishing you much happier days ahead.

Yes, you need to discover if he is going yo work.
You cant just leave a rental property, the rent needs paying. The utilities need cancelling...

You need to sort out asap where you are financially in terms of whether utilities and rent is up to date and checking that he hasn't run up any debts in joint names, like on joint credit cards where you are the primary holder or on any joint bank accounts you may have had for household bills that have an overdraft facility. Even where couples have separate finances there can often be things they held jointly for ease, that you might forget about when in the middle of all the stress.

It was his stuff he cleared out, he left mine. I have informed the landlord of a month’s notice period and the council re CT. I know where she works so I guess the solicitors can contact him there but wow. Was very taken aback.

Next stop is bank, credit check all fine and I have the debt in your name protection thingy with ClearScore. No od facility on joint account as our personal accounts were always the back up rather than borrowing.

I feel like a house that’s caught part of a bomb blast and is still standing apart from one wall which is gone. It’s so weird, I’m just trying to get through the days like normal and then suddenly I see this huge gap where six years was and I’m floored all over again.