Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

🌸

You deserve to be happy and you will be happy again. Once this is all sorted find what you like in life and pursue it - for me it's walking, baking, reading and exploring. Hold your head up high and find your joy again. I can categorically state that not all men think like him, I have male friends, my husband has female friends... because it is perfectly possible to be friends and not think once about 'shagging'. Your soon to be ex is a selfish twat and he deserves no love, or care or respect.

That's magnificent. I can't believe how clear and articulate you are in the midst of all this pain.

@friskybivalves

Why are there so many people on here who have not RTFT?

I guess not everyone has the luxury of time to do so

Can't add to the good advice already given but just want to say WELL DONE @JasonWaterfalls - you've done the right thing and should hold your head high.

You're Ace OP. You've got this.

This is just unbelievable.

What a fabulous woman you are. You have been decisive, clear and brave, and you have just given yourself a gold medal in self-care, self-worth and preservation. I am so impressed by your grit, especially given how absolutely gutted and sad you must feel.

He does not deserve your little toe. Hold your head high and stride towards better OP. He is a sad, needy prick.

It doesn’t take long to read just the OP’s posts though.

Very tough night.

h turned up at sisters house late, completely steaming drunk and very abusive. Bro in law wanted to deck him on the spot but sis rang the police as she said it will help with my case for them to see him being abusive. We filmed it, threats, vile language, trying to break the door, horrible. Police turned up and then arrested him as he tried to swing at one of them!

statement but feel a bit bolstered that when he did fully drop the nice guy act there were so many people to see it.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so drunk.

“I can categorically state that not all men think like him, I have male friends, my husband has female friends... because it is perfectly possible to be friends and not think once about 'shagging'.”

bro in law has been a voice of sanity about this too. It really is just H being a misogynist. I am hanging on to that when I start to feel doubt creep in.

Wow .

This sudden change when you took control is frightening. (Drink is not an excuse.)

I'm very glad you had such solid support. (No wonder he didn't want your family involved.)

Although the drunken incident must have been scary OP, at least it helps you for when those doubts emerge.

I second that real men are not like this.
There are many good ones out there.
Your soon-to-be-ex is a misogynistic exception.

It was scary but I also feel I’m starting to see his capacity for being another person and having a dual life.

He's a nasty piece of work, switching like that. It means that he is fundamentally capable of not only deceit but also abuse an violence as you saw last night.

I know it's shit right now but I honestly, honestly think that in a few months you're going to think that finding that receipt was actually the luckiest day of your life because it got you out of this relationship.

He sounds horrible. No fault divorce and a quick getaway should be priority for you now IMO. Especially as your parents have had a though time and I'm sure would hate to think of their hard earned money funding that arsehole in future.

If you find yourself wavering, close your eyes and picture him doing drinks and dinner with another and then him swearing and shouting and swinging at a PC last night. Keep alternating those images. Both will hopefully make him utterly unappealing in your mind. As will the fact he can switch between them so quickly. Scary.

You sound lovely and your sister sounds like a great, sensible ear. As does her DH.

Surround yourself with good people while you push through this bit.

It'll be so worth the next couple of months being shit to not have wasted decades with this horrible bloke

So sorry to hear this update
I hope he spent the night in the cells.

so many Jekyll/Hyde types out there.

to be honest it was a shock but I am doing way better than I thought I would be. Re the letters, no, I don’t think he’s married overseas or anything but I do now think his ‘ex’ over there isn’t actually his ex completely.

I think it’s becoming more and more clear to me that he saw someone with shit self esteem and saw his chance for a visa and a comfortable double life with an unassuming wife looking after the home. I don’t know why I’ve plodded along feeling smaller all these years, I feel like now there’s a crisis I can see clearly.

He has clearly shown you, when there is a crisis, created by himself in his marriage, his immediate reaction is deflection, anger, agression, & spending yet more money getting absolutely paralytic..
I really hope they put him in clink for the night.
There will be more once he's out I guess, but your Sis & BIL sound like Rottweilers taking care of you, so is all good.
Obviously this is a massive turn around from having a stable (albeit not very happy) home & marriage, to suddenly separated is hard to assimilate.
Let's hope he just disappears with all his wonderful friends & you can be free pronto.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a shit but I'm glad you're doing so well mentally. Your self esteem is much better than you realised nowadays!

Proud of you, OP.

OP, well done for getting out of this - I'm only sorry you had to find out this way that your OH is such a PITA.

If you've kept all the evidence you found (including the film of his behaviour at your sister's), could you get a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour?

I think Unreasonable Behaviour is a given!

OP sounds like a horrible thing to go through, I hope you are ok. Your Sis and BIL are fabulous - as are you.

Better times are ahead, I promise

Sis and bil are being so fab, their lives are upside down too right now with me in the house and all this, but they are being so sweet and strong. They keep reminding me that even if I feel I overreacted at first, (and I keep feeling that) that a marriage where my husband treats his female friends better than me still isn’t a marriage to stay in no matter how I found out.