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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
Katyaadlerscoat · 16/09/2022 15:10

The answers to your questions are in the OPs posts.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 15:25

GratedTomato · 16/09/2022 14:55

How did you know it was a split bill? If it was, than it most certainly was not a date. Instead of getting worked up about it ( as I would if I were you) , I would talk to him about it. He may give you a perfectly good explanation which will put your mind at rest or he may lie ( which you will probably know) or he may then take the opportunity to tell you if he was having an affair. In which case it's good for you to know so decide your way forward, get a divorce and move on with you life.
If it is not an affair, make sure you let him know how you feel. You need to feel valued and appreciated and taken out for dates every now and then.
Wishing you all the best. Whatever the outcome is, you will be absolutely fine. You may not see it now but you will one day.

20 pages in........

Ilovevacations · 16/09/2022 16:02

‘How did you know it was a split bill? If it was, than it most certainly was not a date’

I always split the bill on dates. And even married, I still split the bill. I’ve even had sex with someone after splitting a bill. Must just be me?

I’m sorry your husband has turned out to be such a disappointment op. You are so much better off without him, particularly after reading all of your updates. I’m glad you have supportive family around you.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 16/09/2022 18:59

Hi all,

I’ve had a tearful phone call from him about how he’s sorry for flying off the handle and behaving badly, he knows it was wrong to lead a bit of a double life (I confronted him about the letters and the other receipts) but he found himself drawn to it because home life was such a drudge with money worries and me increasingly worried about work and my parents. He basically said he deserved a bit of fun, I pointed out he wasn’t the only one and he had considerably less on his plate than me and what kind of husband enjoyed fun while his wife slaved away on nothing, which he conceded; he said the police let him go in the morning with a caution but i don’t believe him. Sis and Bro in law reckon it’s a sympathy plot to get me back home where he can control the narrative. I feel so guilty for messing up their home life especially as sis is pregnant but they have been so kind and are adamant I can stay.

interestingly, he mentioned almost In passing that he didn’t want to mess up his life ‘here’ - but surely since he’s now a dual citizen he could stay even after a divorce? I wonder if this is a hint that later on he will blame me if he struggles to remain. I think he’s have automatic right thought surely. Sis has forbidden me to answer anything else from him! Thank you so much for your kindness, you have and are helping so much.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 16/09/2022 19:26

I can believe he was cautioned.

there are no redeeming features in his comments.

no idea on the nationality front but I'm sure other posters will know.

Mix56 · 16/09/2022 19:32

So there we have it, his main worry is his Visa.
Still no real apology, or, you know, mention of just loving you ?
Sorry not really compelling you to reconcile.

Macaroni1924 · 16/09/2022 19:37

I would think that yes he can stay however if he gets in trouble with the law then that may change so possibly looking to get you back on side. So sorry op this is horrible. I’m glad you have your sister and bil for support, as much as you feel a disruption I’m sure they’d rather see you there than back with him.

Isthisexpected · 16/09/2022 19:37

I took my sibling and two kids in at 8 months pregnant. This is what family is for!

He just wants your pity. You don't know the half of what he's been up to. Remember that.

dontputitthere · 16/09/2022 19:59

He's sorry because he's in trouble and needs you to stay in the country

But he's not sorry he upset you or anything else. He 'deserves his fun'

Yeah I'm not sensing any real remorse.

I'm not an expert but his immigration status I think depends on his visa. The gov website says you have to tell them if you divorce and visa was based on your relationship.

Zebracat · 16/09/2022 20:15

How are you op?
It must be hard to think straight.Whether you are sure it’s over or think you may return to him, It is important that you give yourself some time and find ways to disperse the stress. It would be awful to look back and feel you were bulldozered into a decision.
it would be so lovely if you could just fly away to some warm and sleepy place and work out who you are and what you want.

Grumpusaurus · 16/09/2022 20:23

Depending how long you have been married, a divorce and potential assault charges might actually effect his right to stay in the UK. Given his vile behaviour and very likely using you for being able to live in the UK, I would not feel the slightest guilty if he did in fact get kicked out of the country. Last night showed you that is a violent shyster on top of everything else.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 16/09/2022 20:49

My ex-H did something similar. I was going through the joint account (because he had convinced me to re-mortgage so we could finish off the house. Later, I discovered he was planning on leaving/forcing me to sell or leaving me paying off the higher mortgage payments) and I discovered that a regular payment of £400 was leaving. I asked him about it and became furious a d outraged too, saying he was paying off charges on his other account. I can't prove it, but I would put money on it being half the rent of the house his OW had moved into.

So if you have a joint account (I think you do) get advice from your bank about how to proceed. I had to pay half the debt - and subsequently, his rent to the OW.

He told me I was joyless, that I was nuts, that I was lazy, the house was a mess (we had four kids under 10).

I wish I had had the strength you have.

saraclara · 16/09/2022 21:01

He's sorry because he's in trouble and needs you to stay in the country

OP says he has dual citizenship. So it's not that.

enajel82 · 16/09/2022 21:01

My friend was married to a man sounding just like this - he got his visa and played the long game (10 years) she was so unhappy - he was reported and is no longer living in the UK

  • trust your gut
Geppili · 16/09/2022 21:09

Omg please leave him.

hereyougoagain · 16/09/2022 21:15

He doesn’t have a visa any more, if he’d been married for 6 years he long ago qualified for British citizenship which OP has confirmed he has, he’s just worried he might need to declare to a potential employer etc that he was apprehended by police.

As far as I understand he was from Eastern Europe but not European Union and before marriage and getting a leave to remain in the country permanently was dependent on being in the OP’s good books. Not sure about now but it used to be that once you get the ILR you didn’t even need to be married to a citizen to apply for citizenship.
OP, do you remember him dropping his standards with you and his interest in you once he had his right to stay here permanently, or was it before that? It could help you understand how much it was about his status for him.

Mirabeladawer · 16/09/2022 22:05

OP - I've come across your thread...please please leave this scumbag! You don't have children, it's so so easy.

This guy will never ever change, trust me and everyone here!

HowzAboutIt · 16/09/2022 22:44

Geppili · 16/09/2022 21:09

Omg please leave him.

She has 🤔

RaRaRaspoutine · 16/09/2022 22:44

I’m angry on your behalf. He sounds like a mega fucking loser and all the things he’s said have made my skin crawl. Rinse him for all he’s got.

SafferUpNorth · 17/09/2022 07:39

OP, do you remember him dropping his standards with you and his interest in you once he had his right to stay here permanently, or was it before that? It could help you understand how much it was about his status for him.

This is a very good point from @hereyougoagain ... Try to think back whether the meals out with you / attention / kind and considerate husband stuff started to dwindle roundabout the time he got citizenship ....

Sparklywino · 17/09/2022 09:07

I keep coming back to this post to see if there have been any further developments as have been horrified at reading about his actions and behaviour and honestly I've never been so proud of someone i dont know OP!

Stay strong, you got this OP!

Slutdrop · 17/09/2022 09:24

Sparklywino · 17/09/2022 09:07

I keep coming back to this post to see if there have been any further developments as have been horrified at reading about his actions and behaviour and honestly I've never been so proud of someone i dont know OP!

Stay strong, you got this OP!

Absolutely this ⬆️❤️

bringbackveronicamars · 17/09/2022 09:41

Grumpusaurus · 16/09/2022 20:23

Depending how long you have been married, a divorce and potential assault charges might actually effect his right to stay in the UK. Given his vile behaviour and very likely using you for being able to live in the UK, I would not feel the slightest guilty if he did in fact get kicked out of the country. Last night showed you that is a violent shyster on top of everything else.

This.

A criminal record could see him removed in some circumstances. I'd personally aim for it under the circumstances.

HKM2B · 17/09/2022 10:03

Totally agree with this. SO proud of you, @JasonWaterfalls What a strong inspirational woman you are 💪🏼👊🏼😘

Zonder · 17/09/2022 10:57

I wouldn't be listening to his sob story any more. I'd only communicate with him for practical reasons to split your assets and close the door.

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