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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 15/09/2022 20:06

Jason it doesn't sound like you overreacted at any point!

cosmicbabe · 15/09/2022 21:05

Jesus he sounds awful. You know you're best off without him. Be strong 💪🏻. You deserve better x

Grumpusaurus · 15/09/2022 21:19

ProfessionalWeirdo · 15/09/2022 19:40

OP, well done for getting out of this - I'm only sorry you had to find out this way that your OH is such a PITA.

If you've kept all the evidence you found (including the film of his behaviour at your sister's), could you get a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour?

With the new divorce laws in the UK since April 2022 that is no longer an option, as the reform is removing the ability to make allegations about the conduct of a spouse and replaced it with a no fault divorce.

However, it is still a good idea to keep all receipts and information when it comes to settling the financial split.

Ofcourseshecan · 15/09/2022 22:19

You're a kind and honest person, OP, so it's quite natural that you tend to trust the people in your life unless they prove untrustworthy. You weren't foolish, just loving.

Well done for seeing through his lies now, and not staying around for more abuse. Your sis and BIL sound like stars, much more the kind of people you deserve in your life! Let's hope you soon meet a man who deserves you.

dontputitthere · 15/09/2022 22:27

So sorry he showed his true colours. Hope you're okay

Your sister and bil sound awesome. I'm so glad you've got them and they've got your back

In a way it's done you a massive favour. He's not only proved he is a dickhead. He's done it irrefutably in front of everyone.

I hope the arrest has some effect on his visa.

Suprima · 15/09/2022 22:38

JasonWaterfalls · 15/09/2022 17:32

“I can categorically state that not all men think like him, I have male friends, my husband has female friends... because it is perfectly possible to be friends and not think once about 'shagging'.”

bro in law has been a voice of sanity about this too. It really is just H being a misogynist. I am hanging on to that when I start to feel doubt creep in.

I wouldn’t- nothing wrong with having a female friend or two, particularly if you are part of a big shared hobby, but men who like to have a platonic harem of women around them are bad news. That doesn’t mean the primary school teacher who is friendly with predominantly female colleagues, or something of that ilk. But the guy who has his gal best friend from school, that girl from uni who he had a thing with but they are just friends now, a ‘work wife’, another dog walker, whatever…

They will always employee them to triangulate or to keep their options open. Always.

Clemmie81 · 16/09/2022 10:14

Gosh, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It doesn’t sound quite right to me. My husband had an affair with one of my friends, a woman who also ran my child’s preschool. We were friends as families and even went on holiday together. I was totally blindsided even though my intuition was screaming at me. Please trust your gut always. I hope it works out x

Tillow4ever · 16/09/2022 11:14

Clemmie81 · 16/09/2022 10:14

Gosh, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It doesn’t sound quite right to me. My husband had an affair with one of my friends, a woman who also ran my child’s preschool. We were friends as families and even went on holiday together. I was totally blindsided even though my intuition was screaming at me. Please trust your gut always. I hope it works out x

Maybe try at least reading the OP’s comments - in 19 pages the thread has moved on considerably from the opening statement!

Calmdown14 · 16/09/2022 11:55

You definitely didn't overact. You just had your eyes opened and then couldn't unsee it.

I am a woman with many male friends but I do activities, the pub quiz, the odd drink with them. A swanky meal like that is crossing the line. It's designed to impress. It's an intimate setting. Would you go for a £180 meal with a female friend. Unless you are loaded I think the answer for most of us is no. It's the kind of special one off we share with the most important person in our lives.

He hasn't prioritised you, has kept you in a separate box and is chasing something better while keeping you on hand for his washing and self esteem.

You are totally right to be done. You sound strong and sensible.
Don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing it sooner. Men like this are very convincing. They have to be. Watch Rogue Ageing Netflix for an extreme example.

You'll get sorted. This stage is horrible but once you get past it you will start to feel like you again. And that 'you' sounds great!

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 16/09/2022 12:02

OP I'm glad you have support from your sister and her hubby.

I can completely relate to the turning a blind eye to little things after an abusive relationship and then a good while single.

He is not who you thought he was, he's not a man you can respect and he's shown his true colours in spectacular fashion hasn't he!

Keep on sorting through things so you can split as quickly and cleanly as possibly. You could dig further into financials and communications but you really don't have to. You've more than enough to walk away.

Scottsy100 · 16/09/2022 12:04

Sorry but I’d be more worried that he is having an affair rather than £90 being spent, believe me I know I’ve just been through it all and basically found out the man I was with for nearly 8 years was cheating on me for at least half of that. Alarm bells massively ringing here especially as he told you he went for a curry and spent £15, just ask yourself who goes for a £180 meal with just a “friend”

Bingbangbongbash · 16/09/2022 12:12

NTFT but as an alternative to the ‘affair’ idea, it’s possible she suggested the place and his pride didn’t allow him to suggest somewhere cheaper. If she’s an old friend, maybe he’s embarrassed to admit finances are tight.

Doesn’t make it less shit that he spent so much on it, but it needn’t be seen as a slight on you or signs of an affair.

CaveMum · 16/09/2022 12:21

@Bingbangbongbash you really should read the whole thread, or at least the OP’s posts (click on See All at the bottom of the first post to see the OP’s posts only). This thread has moved on massively!

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 12:21

Bingbangbongbash · 16/09/2022 12:12

NTFT but as an alternative to the ‘affair’ idea, it’s possible she suggested the place and his pride didn’t allow him to suggest somewhere cheaper. If she’s an old friend, maybe he’s embarrassed to admit finances are tight.

Doesn’t make it less shit that he spent so much on it, but it needn’t be seen as a slight on you or signs of an affair.

Probably should have at least read the OPs updates 19 pages in 😂

Jaaxe · 16/09/2022 12:28

Onwards and upwards op, you are worth so much more than him x

HangOnToYourself · 16/09/2022 12:30

You have done amazingly by walking away, I wish you so much happiness in the future

Cowhen · 16/09/2022 13:01

Glad you have some support around you, OP. He has shown his true colours.

KarenCBC · 16/09/2022 13:03

I’m honestly asking myself if you’re married to my ex. Sounds EXACTLY like something he would do. So many red flags here. Doesn’t sound like you’re happy at all. I would make preparation to leave the relationship while you have the strength so do so. I didn’t have this and staying until I was a shell of my former self. Good luck x

LovingTheseAutumnSnippets · 16/09/2022 13:28

You should be proud of yourself. It may feel a nightmare today, but you have saved yourself long term grief.

He sounds like a total misogynist and you are well rid of him.

Wheresthebeach · 16/09/2022 13:32

I think the ranting, drunk abuse is the true man. They are so good at presenting a charming front, which lasts as long as they are getting what they want. Remember his words and behaviour rom that night if you ever doubt yourself.

Your Sister and BIL sound amazing, and they clearly have his number. Stay strong, and get your divorce. Life will be so much nicer without him destroying your self esteem.

Wheresthebeach · 16/09/2022 13:33

JasonWaterfalls · 15/09/2022 17:30

Very tough night.

h turned up at sisters house late, completely steaming drunk and very abusive. Bro in law wanted to deck him on the spot but sis rang the police as she said it will help with my case for them to see him being abusive. We filmed it, threats, vile language, trying to break the door, horrible. Police turned up and then arrested him as he tried to swing at one of them!

statement but feel a bit bolstered that when he did fully drop the nice guy act there were so many people to see it.

I assume he'll be charged with assaulting a police officer...no small thing.

pinheadlarry · 16/09/2022 13:42

Be strong OP im glad youve got your sister and Bil for support

I just wanted to add that you sound like a trusting person, you give people chances and you are kind,
men like him prey on the people who are kind like yourself but he is so undeserving of it, i know men like him have such convincing masks..

I dont think that you have low self esteem, being open to love doesnt mean you are weak,
so dont let this experience make you doubt yourself
You seem very introspective and wise, youre going to be just fine

Mix56 · 16/09/2022 14:08

I hope you are still resolute. Make sure you have all your important documents & valuables out of the house.
You can expect either more bile or total contrition,promises, the latter is to get you to back down & part if the script

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/09/2022 14:17

Seenoevil33 · 13/09/2022 19:25

One thing is for sure is that I do try to be kind and understanding with people that I love - an approach I much prefer to yours! I also trust my loved ones to treat me with honesty and kindness - why else would I be married to them?

Show quote history

Yeah, I tried the 'kind and understanding' bit for two years. If only I'd been met with 'honesty and kindness' back instead of lies, gaslighting and talking me into selling the house when he had no intention of making a new start, eh?

GratedTomato · 16/09/2022 14:55

How did you know it was a split bill? If it was, than it most certainly was not a date. Instead of getting worked up about it ( as I would if I were you) , I would talk to him about it. He may give you a perfectly good explanation which will put your mind at rest or he may lie ( which you will probably know) or he may then take the opportunity to tell you if he was having an affair. In which case it's good for you to know so decide your way forward, get a divorce and move on with you life.
If it is not an affair, make sure you let him know how you feel. You need to feel valued and appreciated and taken out for dates every now and then.
Wishing you all the best. Whatever the outcome is, you will be absolutely fine. You may not see it now but you will one day.