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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
jbee1979 · 14/09/2022 22:49

Well done @JasonWaterfalls , you've achieved so much in a short time. The world is your oyster, you can be happy, he'll always be a miserable two-timing, woman-hating shite ❤️

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 22:58

@wellhelloitsme apologies, yes, and a lot of the other developments as I didn't read to the end.

OP - best wishes, I hope all works out

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 23:00

ImAvingOops · 14/09/2022 22:31

You need to clear the rest of the joint account and inform the bank asap that you want to close it (before he runs up an overdraft). You need the money more than he does, since he can afford £90 dinners out! Don't worry about being 'fair' - time to look after yourself for a change.
If he's a second cardholders on your credit card, cancel his card. If you are second cardholder on his, tone to go shopping!
Personally, I'd clear the house of anything valuable - you might need it!

I'm not sure this is great advice... I'd stick to principles, even if others don't.

Dipsydoodlenoodle · 14/09/2022 23:01

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. You seem to have your head screwed on about what is happening and I'm glad you have a close family to help you.

EmmaH2022 · 14/09/2022 23:13

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 22:26

He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff

Whether he is right to be or not, he might just be genuinely having a shit time of it and feel he needs a distraction and bit of a blow out.

Most people have their escape mechanisms / guilty pressures to cheer them up / distract them without there being anything untoward behind them.

Whilst it may hurt I guess try to remember it's his personal money (fundamentally, although in my relationship we consider everything joint), it's an expensive dinner and not a cardinal sin, and overall may not be the end of the world.

You need to read all OP posts.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/09/2022 23:15

It’s not you; it’s him. He’s an arsehole who has treated you like shit. Head up, tits out, move on.
glad you have your sister with you.
try some counselling to sort your self worth before your next relationship; if you don’t consider yourself, no one else will consider you.

feckoffbrian · 14/09/2022 23:23

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/09/2022 23:15

It’s not you; it’s him. He’s an arsehole who has treated you like shit. Head up, tits out, move on.
glad you have your sister with you.
try some counselling to sort your self worth before your next relationship; if you don’t consider yourself, no one else will consider you.

This.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 14/09/2022 23:32

I’m so sorry it’s turned out this way. But well done for swiftly breaking the ties with him and valuing yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

It will be hard for a while, but you’re making space for new and better things.

I’ve read a lot of inspirational quotes lately about caterpillars having to dissolve into a gooey mess before they emerge as butterflies, or seeds having to burst open to grow. It all seemed like bullshit for a very long time, but finally the heartbreak is over and I can see that better things are coming.

It’s only through letting go of the half arsed people that we make way for new ones who can bring exciting new experiences, whether romantic, platonic, work or other relationships, letting this lying ballbag go will be a blessing.

You’ve handle this with dignity and self respect - you will be great.

friskybivalves · 14/09/2022 23:41

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 22:26

He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff

Whether he is right to be or not, he might just be genuinely having a shit time of it and feel he needs a distraction and bit of a blow out.

Most people have their escape mechanisms / guilty pressures to cheer them up / distract them without there being anything untoward behind them.

Whilst it may hurt I guess try to remember it's his personal money (fundamentally, although in my relationship we consider everything joint), it's an expensive dinner and not a cardinal sin, and overall may not be the end of the world.

Why are there so many people on here who have not RTFT?

Tigofigo · 14/09/2022 23:47

He sounds Awful. Well done on getting out so decisively. Fuck him.

OlderParents · 15/09/2022 00:22

I'm so proud of you OP, stranger on the internet. You are so very strong and are doing hard things amazingly well.

What an utter wanker he is. I'm sorry, I know you have said repeatedly that you're sure he's not having an affair, but the bill and the hotel rooms tell a different story. As does fucking off to a hotel the first night.

I'd like you to also keep in mind that his accusations with regards to invasion of privacy are a defence strategy and are 0.00% grounded in reality. You wash his clothes, of course you take pieces of paper out of pockets. You have NOT invaded his privacy (and he shouldn't be bloody well lying about £90 vs £15 bills!!!)

paisley256 · 15/09/2022 00:25

I sincerely hope that some day in the near future you come on here and say leaving him was the best thing you ever did. That you feel better than you have for a long while. That you're enjoying life and all it has to offer and that you don't regret ever getting away from this selfish, self obsessed prick.

We are all routing for you to strive forward and put yourself first and get out there and enjoy life. You are worth such more than to live in his shadow. You deserve nothing less than a rich, contented life and I really, really hope that you get it.

I wish you all the best op 💐

paisley256 · 15/09/2022 00:26
  • So much more
pinheadlarry · 15/09/2022 01:15

I just finished reading your posts update, you don't deserve to be treated like this,
your husband actually sounds crazy, and he seems like he has a lot of skeletons in his closet..
Are you sure he's not married back in his home country and thats who he's writing?

It does seem like he has cheated on you , with the hotel receipts, and this secret life he's living, he sounds like he's using you, I think your sister is right.
Please run far away from this man, this is a blessing in disguise that you see his true colors before he wastes more of your years..
He sounds crazy, so if I was you, I would cut him off quickly and silently, move out all your stuff when he's not there, block his number

flutterbyfly · 15/09/2022 02:11

OP, take courage from previous posts and revel in your own bravery. Your soon so be ex-husband is merely a fly in your ointment, please do no let anything convince you otherwise!

Be strong, know that he is wrong, rinse and repeat. Xx

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 15/09/2022 03:36

I've just caught up with your posts after seeing the start if the thread.

I would just like to say, you are absolutely fabulous and clearly worth so much more than that dick is willing to offer you. Bloody well done for deciding to move on and have an awesome life without him.

May I suggest you take a friend out and have a nice expensive and delicious dinner?

MistyRock · 15/09/2022 05:41

I've just read your updates and I think you are amazing op.

Lozzerbmc · 15/09/2022 06:11

Well done OP so devastating for you but you are strong! You will be happy again. Be kind to yourself

Sushi7 · 15/09/2022 07:00

@JasonWaterfalls my sister has been open about the fact she thinks he married me swiftly to shore up staying in the UK.

How long had you been dating before marrying? It’s awful that you still paid 50:50 despite losing your job and dipped into your savings! He sounds absolutely disgusting and has zero respect for you. Ew to the comment about him wanting to shag his friends. Did you keep the receipts? Maybe take a photo of them too as evidence.

Bestcatmum · 15/09/2022 07:58

OMG OP, I've just read all your updates. I would go MENTAL in capital letters if a man said those things to me.
Go through with divorcing this prick and live the life you always wanted.
HOW DARE HE? I am raging for you.

GreenClock · 15/09/2022 09:12

You sound resilient and strong, and your sister sounds fab. You will be fine.

OhHeySis · 15/09/2022 09:26

I like your attitude OP. I met my lovely DP in my late 30s after a car crash ex partner, there’s life after bad relationships! I promise. Stay strong.

Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 09:31

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 18:52

Dsis Prosecco is helping these thoughts along but, I was in an abusive relationship before him, spent three years single after it ended, of course I fell for the sparky interesting guy who seemed to like me, and of course I stuck around when he went hot and cold because it was a intermittent reinforcement which is PROVED to make you crazy and b I believed in making my marriage work. Made a lot of excuses. For myself too, I accepted crumbs from someone who seemed nice and dependable if a bit distant because it was much less scary than being alone again or finding another bad man.

six years is long but it isn’t so long. I’m not 40 yet. I don’t know I feel like I’m a lot of marriages this would be a therapy starter but if I look back with real honesty (and thanks to @Watchkeys and others in particular for the brains food ) this is not the first straw in a happy marriage it’s the last straw in a miserable, half hearted one. I’ve spent years wondering why his interest dropped when we got married, if I changed for the worse, if I stopped being pretty or fun enough to be worth it - it’s warped me.

Good girl. You sound strong. It’s going to be shit for a bit but you’ll be ok.

lovenaps · 15/09/2022 11:01

OP, you are very strong ❤You will do great in life.

I noticed people saying he only married OP for staying in the UK. This cannot be true and would only make OP feel worse thinking she was used for that. He must have been in the UK for at least 6 years already, which means he would have been granted a permission to stay after Brexit (more details on gov website).
OP, he is shit but he did not use you for a visa. He must have loved you when he met you and then became shit because some people are like that, they feel the initial spark but once things fizzle out a bit, they run off/mistreat significant others.
I hope you will have a happy life OP and the fact that you are already moving forward shows you will!

MsRosley · 15/09/2022 11:03

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. He's vile. Absolutely vile. And of course he's shag one of his female friends if he got the chance. Thank god you do not have kids with him. Please, please, please do not relent and take him back.