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Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 13/09/2022 11:59

How do you know it was split?

threecupsofteaminimum · 13/09/2022 12:00

I would hold the receipt up in front of him and ask him outright.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:01

Sometimes I feel like he avoids doing romantic things with me. Sorry I’m just in a bit of a state and needing to process I guess but if I’m away he never wishes he was with me, he’ll say we’ll go out somewhere like to see a play or an exhibition but it never happens, he just doesn’t seem that fussed about spending time with me outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:02

Isthisexpected His half was a small receipt stapled to a larger itemised one showing the whole lot.

OP posts:
BeggarsMeddle · 13/09/2022 12:04

Isthisexpected · 13/09/2022 11:59

How do you know it was split?

He may have told OP the bill was split. But, regardless of whether it was split, he spent £90 on a meal with a friend and is telling his wife they won't be eating out in order to save money.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 13/09/2022 12:05

I’d just put the receipt in front of him and say “explain this please”.

Don’t give away your power by revealing what you know or don’t know. They will only own up to what they think you have already uncovered.

Trust your gut.

So many women feel the need to confront a man or catch him red handed or have irrefutable evidence of cheating.

You don’t have to catch them out. It’s not necessary. If it doesn’t feel right, trust your gut and run.

If it was one of your kids in this situation or your sister or a good friend, what advice would you give them?

Don’t judge a man by his potential - look at what he is doing right now. That’s all you need to know.

It’s time to decide - Is this relationship acceptable to you?

Don’t worry about sunk costs fallacy. Wasting even more time on someone who treats you badly is worse than cutting your losses on what you’ve already invested.

I’m sure there are lots of good aspects to your relationship - there always are. But if a barrel of good wine has a spoonful of sh!t in it, then the whole barrel is spoiled. You can’t drink around the sh!t.

Usernameismyname01 · 13/09/2022 12:06

goldfinchonthelawn · 13/09/2022 11:55

If DH did that I would show him the receipt and say: You tell me we can't afford a night out, you accuse me of being preoccupied by legitimate family concerns, but you are happy to spend £90 on dinner with a mate. This is hurtful and it;s a double standard. Tell me about it and please before we start don;t use anger and blame to turn this around on me. Be honest about why it is OK for you to spend £90 on dinner with a friend but not on dinner with me, even though you know I am run ragged with family worries and could really do with some fun and a few treats.

This - just ask him and stand your ground

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:10

I feel so stupid I’m at home crying over the receipt because they had such lovely food and wine and I get Tesco microwave lasagna and pasta and pesto.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 13/09/2022 12:11

It sounds to me that you are depressed.
Which is understandable with all the stresses of the past years, job loss and your parents situation.
But saying - you’d rather you found out it was an affair - VS him spending a bit more money on one evening to treat himself…. This is isn’t a healthy normal way to look at things.

Obviously its not great he didn’t tell you about the nice dinner he had. But it’s hard to judge this in isolation - and not knowing how your relationship has been and how your depression, parents, etc is affecting it.
It’s not easy to be with a depressed partner over a prolong period of time, and need for a bit of escape is understandable. He used his personal money - and is entitled to privacy. That amount won’t make or break your family finances over the summer.

I hope you get some help to feel better. And also hope that you two can have a proper conversation abut your relationship. And figure out how to improve it. Rather than an argument over his dinner bill.

HettieHelvetica · 13/09/2022 12:14

How "present" is he "in the home and for the family" , or are those expectations just for you?

You're supposed to be a team - when you have other pulls on your time (your parents need you, it's not like you're spending time on a hobby) he should up his game, not bitch about feeling neglected.

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 12:15

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:55

He’s always just seemed to solid and dependable watchkeys, catching him in a massive outright lie is just not something I thought would happen. It’s like finding out the pope isn’t Catholic. He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff, just seemed less like himself. I’ve gone through a lot Trying to keep things together after losing my job during Covid and trying to keep my parents on an even keel, this trust in him just feels like another thing I’ve lost.

But you'd be able to ask the pop if you found an odd receipt in his pocket. Why haven't you asked your husband? Why is the response you expect from your husband not honesty and support?

He's not being very nice to you, really, is he? Which means you've been feeling a bit shit in the relationship anyway, regardless of the receipt? I'm sorry if I'm miles off the mark, but he's unsupportive, selfishly demanding of you when you have lots going on, he's guilt tripping you for having ill parents, he's blaming you for things that aren't your fault, and basically expecting you to carry the can for everything, when he could take things on himself. That's what it looks like to me, anyway.

If you've got hard stuff going on with your parents, a respectful spouse would try to lighten your load, not blame you for not being present. Has it always been all about him? And have you always enjoyed that?

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 12:18

How shitty of him Sad

Londonnorth · 13/09/2022 12:18

Do you have access to his personal bank account / wages slips? I would probably do some more digging first and see if this is a one off or if he is keeping a lot of money for himself. Could you find a reason to ask to look if you don’t need access eg I want to do a financial audit / budget. Once you ask him about this receipt he will tighten up on passwords etc if there is more to hide.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/09/2022 12:21

This has all the hallmarks of an affair - emotional or more, we don’t know. I am so sorry op. You don’t spend that kind of money on dinner with just a friend, and it sounds more and more like he has checked out of your marriage. I too would present him with the receipt and ask him to explain it.

Longsight2019 · 13/09/2022 12:22

You know there’s more to this than he will admit.

You have to face this and hold your own / stand your ground. You’re his wife and he should treat you better.

Ask him if he’d like to go to the restaurant as a special treat and watch him squirm. Then present the receipt.

stand firm.

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 12:24

Once you ask him about this receipt he will tighten up on passwords etc if there is more to hide

He's already lying, and if OP had any access she'd be using it already. Talking to your spouse is the first line of action, not turning into Lt Columbo.

Booklover3 · 13/09/2022 12:24

That doesn’t sound good to me OP. I think he will
brush it off and tell you they are friends… but I’ve never spent that amount of money on a meal
with one friend ever!

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:27

Just feeling like such a mug because I always thought not going out much and avoiding date like things was just his personality as he said, but it seems he’s happy to do it for someone else.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/09/2022 12:27

So HE has a dinner with a friend and spends £ 90 on it while expecting belt tightening at home, but you're not giving enough attention to the him or the home?

OK. I think you might want to start getting a bit badass on him, OP.

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 12:32

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:27

Just feeling like such a mug because I always thought not going out much and avoiding date like things was just his personality as he said, but it seems he’s happy to do it for someone else.

But why does him going out to dinner with someone mean that you're a mug? He's your spouse. You're not a mug to believe what he tells you, unless you have clear evidence otherwise. You're just living according to the vows you made.

If you ask him and he has a plausible explanation, will you believe him? It feels like the trust in his good nature was gone before you found the receipt anyway.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 13/09/2022 12:32

I know everyone’s is different but myself and my husband wouldn’t dream of going out for dinner with someone of the opposite sex, especially not a dinner that cost £180! Personally I’d be confronting him as I wouldn’t be able to hold my anger in over this. I’m so sorry you are being neglected and treated so poorly by your DH :(

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 12:38

It’s been a difficult marriage in a lots of ways before this, yes. He always finds an excuse not to do things. When we were first together we would go out and have fun but as soon as we were more domestic it stopped, I bent over backwards trying to make the idea of going on a trip or to dinner fun but he’d just agree to it and then if I didn’t plan it it never happened. For a PP telling me I’m obviously a misery drain and he just NEEDS to spend a hundred quid on dinner with another woman as a little treat away from me give yourself a wobble, I’ve been Pollyanna-ing my way through this whole lot of losses and just found out I am even further down the list of my husbands priorities than I already thought, but sure, must be my fault.

OP posts:
Littleheart5 · 13/09/2022 12:43

You’re absolutely not the mug, he is. Don’t take that on yourself

dottiedodah · 13/09/2022 12:45

You have had a nasty shock.It seems strange that he would go alone to Dinner with a female on her own ,let alone spend this amount causes Alarm Bells to ring.The fact she is married too is neither here or there frankly.I would ask him outright Im afraid .He will most likely deny it ,but he will know hes been caught out.He should be supporting you with your problems not running off with a woman for an expensive meal!

Aikko · 13/09/2022 12:46

£90 split meal with a 'friend',... yeah right.... I don't believe that one bit.

It looks very suspiciously like he's been playing away with a OW.