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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
satelliteheart · 13/09/2022 10:32

Are you sure he was with the friend he says he was? That seems like a very expensive meal for two mates. Combined with him being off with you lately, it would set alarm bells ringing for me. Is he secretive with his phone?

TheCatterall · 13/09/2022 10:41

firstly massive squishes.

if you know how much he earns - can you reverse engineer his net wage, knock off what he puts in the joint pot. Lost his know outgoings from his personal account - what 8
is he left with?

that’s such a lot to spend on a meal when pleading poverty. :(

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:42

I think he was with the (female, and I’ve been totally fine with her, she’s nice and also married) friend he says because he had updates on her life that correspond to her FB. But he said they had a curry and and bottle special at a cheap place not this grand multi-course expensive wine dinner. He’s always a bit private about his phone but lots of people are. I just feel punched, it’s also obviously a direct lie no matter what’s behind it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 10:46

Why would he possibly go for such an expensive meal if he wasn't trying to impress her? That's my only thought. If my friend suggested it I'd say no I can't afford it.

GBoucher · 13/09/2022 10:51

Fancy dinner for £180 is definitely 'date' territory, but that's not even the worst of it. It's more the fact that he told you it was a £15 curry and that you need to tighten your belts and cut out date nights and fun trips. Sorry, but I would suspect he is having an affair. The fact that the female friend is married means nothing. Married people quite commonly have affairs with other married people.

EllenLRipley · 13/09/2022 10:51

Very very worrying. Either he is having an affair with her or he does not value you. £90 is more than enough for a lovely date for 2 so if she is a friend why did he spend it on her not you?

misskatamari · 13/09/2022 10:55

Even if he's not having an affair, the fact he will spend 90 quid out with his friend when he can't afford to go out with his own wife, speaks volumes. I'm sorry, it must feel really awful. Definitely alarm bells ringing, and even if no affair, his priorities are totally wrong.

The blaming you for the issue, when you're busy and stressed supporting your family, is really shitty as well. Deflecting any blame or responsibility away from himself. If he js cheating, I'm sure it will be all your fault for not giving him enough attention (arse!).

Truuuueeeedat · 13/09/2022 10:57

Surely he could have got the updates about his friend off Facebook too, if needed. Then he could have just told you them to make it look like he’d met with her……

OldFan · 13/09/2022 10:57

I would think that was a meal out with someone he's having an affair with.

I don't suggest confronting him yet @JasonWaterfalls , but if you've kept the receipt then keep it as evidence. Keep an eye out/find out any further evidence you can.

RB68 · 13/09/2022 11:00

Just hand him the receipt an say - this looks like a work one as you would never normally spend that, you prob need for expenses - yes?

Cliopatra1 · 13/09/2022 11:01

The lieing s big red flag. He needs to explain himself. BTW prioritising dinner with his friend instead a date night with you Id be questioning to.

essex956 · 13/09/2022 11:06

OldFan · 13/09/2022 10:57

I would think that was a meal out with someone he's having an affair with.

I don't suggest confronting him yet @JasonWaterfalls , but if you've kept the receipt then keep it as evidence. Keep an eye out/find out any further evidence you can.

Exactly. If me and DP were struggling for cash and he had no money for a date night with me, I'd be pissed off at this.

I'd still expect him to see his friends but it should be the cheap curry with his mates then a cheap(ish) meal together rather than one lavish OTT meal with a friend

I do think the lying and going somewhere so fancy with a friend + being off with you at the same time and claiming you're not making the effort does suggest an affair. Sorry OP

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:13

I feel so stupid for writing this but I’d almost prefer it to be an affair the way I feel right now, the thought that he can chuck almost a hundred pounds at a friend when he can’t take his wife out makes me feel like I’m at the bottom of every list. That thought almost hurts more right now.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 13/09/2022 11:17

The aspect that suggests it was dinner with a friend, not date, is that the bill was split. Doesn’t excuse the lying and two tier treatment.

Thoughtful2355 · 13/09/2022 11:21

doubt it was a date if bill was split but id be pissed off at that. Cant love you that much if he cant date you but can go on friend dates equaling £90!!!!!!!!!!

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 11:23

Chewbecca · 13/09/2022 11:17

The aspect that suggests it was dinner with a friend, not date, is that the bill was split. Doesn’t excuse the lying and two tier treatment.

It's 2022. Dates split bills.

essex956 · 13/09/2022 11:33

Chewbecca · 13/09/2022 11:17

The aspect that suggests it was dinner with a friend, not date, is that the bill was split. Doesn’t excuse the lying and two tier treatment.

Don't agree with this. I typically split bills on dates:

First few dates I always offer to split but if my date insists I accept for first couple of dates then after that I insist on splitting or turns each

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2022 11:40

Not necessarily a date/affair but regardless he's a liar and you have problems. You need to tell him you've seen the receipt but be prepared for him to get annoyed with you about it.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:50

Re a PP who asked about his finances, yes I think he would have enough to pay for it relatively easily from his personal, but the point was we were supposed to be saving even personal money where we could to get through the winter bills. Now he’s spent it on some other woman whether she’s his friend or something more. I feel like I’m just hollow.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 11:51

I feel like I don’t know anything anymore

This doesn't result from finding one receipt in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship. If your relationship was good aside from this, you'd just ask him and talk it through, regardless of what he's been doing, affair or not.

What else has been bothering you, @JasonWaterfalls ? I'm guessing you've had other reasons to feel unsettled with his behaviour?

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:55

He’s always just seemed to solid and dependable watchkeys, catching him in a massive outright lie is just not something I thought would happen. It’s like finding out the pope isn’t Catholic. He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff, just seemed less like himself. I’ve gone through a lot Trying to keep things together after losing my job during Covid and trying to keep my parents on an even keel, this trust in him just feels like another thing I’ve lost.

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 13/09/2022 11:55

If DH did that I would show him the receipt and say: You tell me we can't afford a night out, you accuse me of being preoccupied by legitimate family concerns, but you are happy to spend £90 on dinner with a mate. This is hurtful and it;s a double standard. Tell me about it and please before we start don;t use anger and blame to turn this around on me. Be honest about why it is OK for you to spend £90 on dinner with a friend but not on dinner with me, even though you know I am run ragged with family worries and could really do with some fun and a few treats.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:56

Seems like He just always finds reasons not to do things with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 11:57

I think I will say that when he gets home goldfinch. Thank you for putting it better than I could feeling all jumbled up.

OP posts:
Hintofreality · 13/09/2022 11:58

Does the receipt have the name of the restaurant on?
If so, I’d casually say to him “Oh, xxxxx called earlier, about the meal you went for with friend’s name, there was an issue with the bill and you’ve been overcharged”.
Let him know, you know.