Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Sadly, this is the only receipt you've found, there may be more. Sorry.

And also, I'd take a photo of the receipts just in case he manages to get them and gaslights you.

But I personally don't know how you'd get through something like this. Firstly, the massive spend, whether split or not, when he has you belt-tightening. Then the bare-faced lie about where they went and what they had. He didn't accidentally tell you the wrong value. He outright fucking lied to you.

So he wants to have a fun time wine & dine, just not with you. He thinks someone else is worth it, but you’re not. Sorry op.

My DH goes off expensive meals with his friends- both male and female all of the time. He usually pays the bill and so I know how much they cost

I dont think that it is odd

Tell him you are going out with a friend and ask him more details about the great deal with the curry & wine, if the curry was nice and where it was. Watch how easily he lies to you once again.

Why? She's seen him lie to her already. This is masochism.

@MaxmaraDress presumably he wouldn't if he couldn't afford it though...

If he's going out for £180 meals with all his friends, fine. But if he can't afford to take his wife to the cinema it's strange.

So:

1. He lied to you and told you he went out for a cheap curry, not a £180 swanky no expense spared one

1. He won't spend any money on going out with you because he says that you as a couple can't afford to

1. He's annoyed you're spending so much time and energy looking after your parents

1. He says you're not present or giving enough attention.

Sounds like the script to me. Have you read Chump Lady?

It's the script.

Time to get your ducks in a row.

As ever I'm agreeing with @Watchkeys

It doesn't look great. And I agree it sounds very much like an affair. I'm sorry op

But even if it isnt an affair he's behaving appallingly.

He's lied. He's been cold and distant when the op os worrying over her family. Keeping her on edge. He has his own pot of cash to seemingly do what he wants the op doesn't know about. He treats the op as someone beneath him and his friends.

Regardless of whether it's an affair this is not a healthy relationship.

And I agree that this only be the one receipt you've found. There will have been other lies.

Sorry op. Hope you're okay.

I appreciate you’re upset over this and the lack of appreciation you’re feeling, but there is nothing to suggest affair or the need to demand answers or search through his things - that is just crazy talk! Do you all really treat your loved ones like this?
he may have felt pressured to go this particular restaurant and then felt guilty about spending so much… this is your husband, who you love, so try to approach it from a place of kindness as it’s probably the only way you’ll get the truth - if you attack he will probably go on the defence

He's a liar. He lied to his wife and spent £90 on a dinner out with another woman.

Damn right she should be angry

Are you looking for another job? even if remote ?
I get the impression that he makes all the decisions, maybe if you get a new job, it will boost your confidence, & allow you to consider options such as ditching this guy who brings you no support, or love, or joy.
Do you have a mortgage ? you know that half the value of everything is yours ?

Yes, to me it looks like he is getting the attention & fun he needs elsewhere, whether a full on, emotional, or potential affair.
Do you know this woman ? Do you really even know if it was her in reality ?

What I would do is call him out on the meal & tell him he's out & about, he is wining & dining this other woman, whilst his wife is at home playing Cinders, well he can leave immediately & show off to whoever he wishes. You will not be taken for a fool

Sorry, I thought you were out of work. Apologies

Are you sure it was definitely his?

That’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on one meal and if he was trying to flash the cash to try and impress her then wouldn’t he pay for all of it?

Unless she’s very wealthy herself and it was her idea

It sounds crap. He's obviously not as worried about money. Time to treat yourself!!

Another vote for chumplady - that book has saved my life

..and here comes the #bekind brigade 🙄
What if he feels pressured to sleep with her next tine?

Sorry to hear this OP. I wouldn't be happy.

Let's suppose for a minute it isnt an affair with this friend. He agreed to drinks and a meal somewhere expensive - a place like that is never going to be a £15 night out. He actively lied to you about it, whilst knowing he has been harsh about your own expenses and restricting your leisure activities. Even without an affair, the deception is painful.

I think I'd tackle it differently OP. Sit him down and say, you want to get all the private and joint finances in a spreadsheet so you can see exactly where you are. Say you want to review all income and spending in the last 6 months, so you can figure out where there is wiggle room, where you can economise. Ask him to log into his banking app and talk you through his personal account transactions. Offer to do the same. Tell him you want to rebalance things, as your MH would improve if you could get some more enjoyment from life and you're sure there must be places savings could be made that you can't see with how things are organised now. Say you would like ALL income to go into the joint account pot and then each of you withdraw an amount for Spends each month. Say, you want to share some social time together - maybe doing free stuff not expensive trips out - but if he doesnt want to, you can occupy yourself but you can't beat the depression by penny pinching and having a totally dead social life.

See if he responds openly.

If he refuses to cooperate then hit him with the fact you know he spent £90 on a meal, and ask him to explain how that came about. Leave the silences uncomfortable- let him struggle to explain it.

And then once he has explained it, ask him if there is anything else he needs if reveal to you.

Thank you all for so many replies, I am going to talk to him about it when he gets home soon. From what I understand of their friendship they really are just friends, she is wealthy and the location may well have been her idea, although he clearly went along with it.

‘So he wants to have a fun time wine & dine, just not with you. He thinks someone else is worth it, but you’re not.’

this is v much how I am feeling at the moment, just so hurt.

I am going against the grain. They split the bill which indicates a friendship rather than a date. He probably lied about it being a curry because he has said about tightening belts.

I wouldn't think the worst on that alone

I'd definitely be irritated that he's spending this amount on a night out with a friend whilst pleading poverty to do anything with you - but, I doubt if he was having an affair he'd only be paying 'half' the bill if you see what I mean, wouldn't he be footing the whole thing? (admittedly I maybe don't know what I'm talking about and maybe 'modern affairs' work differently!! lol)

cross post with @maddy68 !

Regardless of whether this is an affair or not, the important thing is he's being a very poor DH to you. You're managing family problems and he's in a strop because your attention is elsewhere, he's refusing to go anywhere nice with you and yet spends a fortune on dinner with a friend (?).
I know you're upset but it's not helping you @JasonWaterfalls , you need some straight talking with him. I'm not saying no one can have a friend of the opposite sex but to treat them so much better is absolutely not on. If this is an affair you need to call him out

@JasonWaterfalls

You are completely blowing this out of proportion. You know they are just friends. You don’t have doubts about it.
You just said she is wealthy, and I am guessing - lives in central west London. Or some similar area.
Of course she chose a restaurant most, likely without thinking twice about the cost.

I live in such area myself. And here, what you describe - ’Three courses, good wine, two cocktails each’ - for 2 at £180 is actually mid level type of restaurant.

It just is. It isn’t something particularly special. Just central london prices.

Your wild imagination of some fancy romantic night on the town is not that at all.
Most likely your H felt uncomfortable telling her it’s too expensive for him, so just went along. And didn’t tell you to avoid this reaction from you.

So - I do come back to - rather than fixating on this dinner - isn’t it best to figure out if you want to be in this relationship and what needs to change for you and for him. I doubt that unhappiness is one-sided in your relationship.