Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

He lied. Whether he is having an affair or not, he lied to you. That is not okay.

It is not okay to have a 'tightening of belts' that only person in the relationship is adhering to! Once he feels it is okay to lie to you how can you ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth?

One thing is for sure is that I do try to be kind and understanding with people that I love - an approach I much prefer to yours! I also trust my loved ones to treat me with honesty and kindness - why else would I be married to them?

Please don’t bury this hurt. Whether this is an affair or a genuinely platonic dinner is by the by.

I know exactly how you feel- a long term boyfriend used to do this shit with me. “I’ve got no money” “We need to save” “too expensive”. He said no to cheap holidays and nandos with me, it wasn’t a case of me having wildly expensive tastes. I just wasn’t worth spending money on. He had no issue booking things with his friends, and would always be cagey about the cost to keep the act up.

He’s now an ex and I’m married to a wonderful man who plans really lovely dates for us even though things are ‘domestic’

Please use this hurt to ignite change in your relationship. If it doesn’t get anywhere, you need to leave. You don’t deserve to feel like an afterthought. You deserve to be dated and made to feel special by the man who apparently loves you.

other men will happily do that. I promise.

Well you know for sure he is a lier and treats you like shit on his shoe.

He lied. Ask him if he's ever been to that restaurant. He'll say no.

He's blaming you for looking out for your parents and all the time he's pissing it up the wall to impress his mate. Some mate if he can't even tell her he can't afford dinner

I'm getting cheater vibes. Sorry.

@JasonWaterfalls im so sorry for this situation. Hoping it is entirely innocent but by you confronting him it helps to put things in perspective for him that he is pushing you away and treating you dreadfully. Sending hugs 💐

If it swims in a pond, has feathers and goes “quack”, don’t be surprised if it’s a duck.

Are you always so unsympathetic and insensitive or do you just save it for the little people who can't afford to spunk £200 for a catch up with a mate?

@Clymene

Do you come here to discuss people’s comments and opinions - or do you actually have one of your own?

OP is clearly spinning around making up a story in her head. Depressed people tend to do that, everything seems worse, and gets overblown.
I have been there, I know how easy it is to get lost in an image of everything being much worse than it really is. And I also know that it’s really difficult to get out of that place without help. (And for me, it meant also medicine)

So - we can engage in some sort of discussion of restaurant prices in the central london, but not sure it’s really helpful. What I said about the prices in the area where he was is just what it is.

What I think is more helpful - rather than funnelling Op’s imagination - is to try to get her to look at the bigger picture. And ask the really important questions.
She seems really unhappy And it’s not because of this dinner. It’s been going on for a long time.

My take on the situation.

It is the lying that would upset me most here.

OP I think you are within your rights to be upset.

Hopefully your OH has a good explanation as to why he can spend on a night out with a friend, but not you, and lie to you about it.

So. We’ve talked.

i showed him the receipt, he was furious i’d found it.

he admits it’s a terrible double standard and very hurtful to ask me to remain at home with no date nights and spend nothing while taking another woman out to dinner. He also says his private life is his and not his wife’s affair. Oh? And there I was foolishly thinking marriage was his private life.

he assures me she is a friend which I believe, however he says all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked, and she’s easier to take out than I am because she is funnier and less ‘careworn’. So sorry that keeping all the household plates spinning is so tedious for you darling.

he says he has ‘taken nothing from me’ by taking her out whilst refusing to take me out because I’m ‘different’ (??!!) . Now he has retreated into outrage I would dare question his spending when all he does is question my spending. He has been like a sulky little boy caught out with his hand in a sweetie jar. All the concern a month ago for how stressy it’s been to watch my father waste away in front of me and my mum go off the rails has turned into accusations of me not doing enough for him so naturally he needs his expensive little jollies while expecting me to tow the new financial line and eat basics range pasta and never go out together.

and on the subject of going out together, I asked why in six years I’d met hardly any of his friends including his little dinner date and he said he ‘didn’t enjoy questions’

I am at the bottom of the list for the last time. prick.

So sorry! Keep the rage, it will see you through this!

Firstly, do you work? I ask because you need to get out. I think it’s fairly clear there’s more to this friendship and he’s gaslighting you. Also do you have children? He sounds awful!

I’m so sorry you’ve been used and disrespected by him, OP. I hope you have the courage to not stand for this, given how much you have on your plate. I’m feeling very angry in your behalf

He's a wassock. Get rid

Abusive shit. OP, I can't believe you get anything good from this relationship. You deserve so much better. Please don't waste any more of your life with this man.

He is awful.

He doesn't respect you, let alone prioritise you.

That's not down to you - that's all on him.

I'm so sorry OP! He sounds absolutely awful. Please remember this moment and use it to fuel you to get out. He is not a partner or companion.

Even without any cheating there's no way I'd be hanging around

What an absolute bastard. Time to get your ducks in a row and make a plan to leave him.

“He says all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked” - what an arsehole. This shit makes me angry on your behalf! 😡

He's treating your with utter contempt and already saying things to make you feel it's his fault if he gets caught out ...

So sorry.

Look up DARVO OP. The fact he reacted with fury, rather than remorse says it all.

This guy is not on your side. Even if he’s not having an affair now, he’s showing behaviour of exactly the kind of person who does.

im completely gobsmacked, I didn’t know this person was underneath it all. He’s always had loads of female friends but I thought that was healthy that he wasn’t a ‘lad’ - now i know he wants to fuck half of them.
I know he sees me as the comfort dolly at home while he has his real ‘private life’ somewhere else; and all that guff about being shy was bollocks to keep me away from his friends. He’s stormed off to some hotel so I can think thank god. I don’t know what to do - we rent in both our names so that’s simple, no children. I suppose it might be not too bad in terms of paperwork? I’m poorer than him - clearly!! - I’m going to call a solicitor tomorrow.

"all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked". He actually thinks that, does he?! What an absolute prick!

As a 42yr old woman, I can safely say that not one of my friendships with the men I count as friends is anything but platonic friendship! And I'd be horrified if any of my male friends thought of me as anything but a platonic friend! I imagine that is the same for MOST normal people!

When you mentioned that his friend was better off than him, I thought that maybe she suggested the venue (not thinking it might be too pricey for him) and he didn't want to say it was too expensive to save face. I thought that maybe he'd be sheepish/apologetic at spending that sort of money when you spoke to him about the receipt. I can't believe he was furious at you. I'm so angry on your behalf that he's turned this around on you and then flounced!! Def get your ducks in a row and get some advice on what options you have.