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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I selfish

95 replies

Mum2Luke · 23/01/2008 15:38

Hiya, I don't know if I'm being selfish in not letting dh have sex until he has the snip. we are 41 and I deffo do not want any more children but he's a coward and won't go to have an operation that would take 1/2 hour.

What do you all think, we have 3 kids (17,14 and 5) and I have just got my life back and am applying for work outside of the home. I go out with my friends and don't have to think about babysitters as the older lad or girl does it for their pocket money.

Also at the moment my libido seems to have gone and I don't feel like sex at the end of a day with other people's kids. I work hard in what I do although he thinks I drink coffee all day!

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 23/01/2008 16:39

Have you considered contraception?!

FioFio · 23/01/2008 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LuckySalem · 23/01/2008 16:44

I'd get some kind of contraception. You've gotta understand the mentallity of men. Those parts are sacred to them and the slightest knock hurts so think about what he's imagining (big knife down there)

Why don't you get your tubes tied? Or the injection/coil/implant.

Also I know there was talk about a male pill (don't know if it's true or when it's coming out etc) CONDOMS?

wannaBe · 23/01/2008 16:46

you don't want to have any more children, but you expect your dh to be taking the steps to ensure this does not happen. IMO yes you are selfish.

If the thread had read "dh has said he does not want to have any more children but I don't want to use contraception" the posts on here would read something along the lines of "if it is your dh that does not want thildren, then he should be the one taking the steps to ensure this does not happen.

so IMO same applies in this instance

dittany · 23/01/2008 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VVVQV · 23/01/2008 16:49

Actually, I'm more concerned about the "let him have sex.....", like it's a chore for you/favour to him. Have I got it wrong?

postingatlast · 23/01/2008 17:49

condoms? Coil? Pill? not to mention the less reliable ones like time of month, withdrawal.

Normally I am soft on these boards but yes, you are being if not selfish then definitely self centred.

Sex should not be a bargaining tool. You both have an equal responsibility to ensure you do not fall pregnant and as a couple you need to find the method which works for you both. Vascectomies are not to everyone's taste and forcing your husband to have one is not fair. If he won't take measures and neither will you then, yes, fair enough don't have sex. But there are other options and you should work through them together.

(a daddymumsnetter)

Original poster

Mum2Luke · 27/01/2008 17:07

I am on the combined pill but I don't want to be taking it forever, I do not see why I have to take anything or have anything inside me such as the coil etc. Why can't he do something for once and have 'the snip'?

Sex can be a chore sometimes after a day looking after other people's kids, I'm up early b4 dh and sometimes in bed after him due to paperwork I have to do or courses I have to go on for my job as Childminder.

I do not think i'm being self-centred at all, I think he is the one being self-centred and when he's been to the pub during the week and wants sex when he smells of beer.

Perhaps if he showed some sort of appreciation for the work I do, looking after the family, housework etc as well as working. He is lucky in that he can go out to work, I cannot afford to go out to work (due to no family nearby) so I do childminding while my youngest is at primary school, he moans at other people's kids here and toys all over the place.

OP posts:

Shitemum · 27/01/2008 17:12

i understand how you feel. Maybe you should tell him you are not prepared to stay on the pill till menopause and ask him for suggestions for contraception. Plotting your cycles and using condoms is pretty safe.
FWIW i cant be bothered with sex either, it's just one more chore after a long day being pawed at by smaller hands.

Original poster

Mum2Luke · 27/01/2008 17:30

For him to have a vasectomy is a 1/2 hour job, nothing to it, we women do a dam sight more than men, going through pregnancy, having to take bloody chemicals/have some foreign body (coil) inside which hurts, I've tried one and could not have it for long.

For us, sterilisation is a major op, I cannot afford to take time off work with my job as parents rely on me so that they can go out to work and I do not see why I have gone through 3 lots of pregnancies and then had to sort out contraception too. Condoms are passion killers anway.

One post said about his parts being sacred - crap - what about ours? My brother in law had one and he told dh it doesn';t hurt for long, bit uncomfortable thats all. Some men are bloody wimps, the human race would have died out long ago if they had kids and not us.

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 27/01/2008 18:02

I think it does depend on whether it is you or him that does not want another child - i tend to agree and my h has had the snip (and it was very easy) but it is big thing and he then went on to have an affair (and we think some of it may have been because he felt something had 'gone' from him). Stupid i know but that is men for you.

If it is you that really do not want any more then you need to do something about it. The surest way is to not have sex - but i am guessing that is not an option long term.

Give him time and be gentle with him - come on use your womanly charms a bit and stop the battle.

Good luck anyway

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 18:06

yanbu
you've had three children
no doubt taken on the burden of contraception most of the rest of that time?
sterilisation for you a big op
coil can lead to heavier periods
hormonal treatment (pill, mirena) have their own risks

ain't it his turn?

i am refusing to use contraception at mo so resorted to condoms. which i refuse to buy..

cluelessnchaos · 27/01/2008 18:08

Are you being selfish trying to force him into something he doesnt want to do? Yes.

Are you being selfish because you dont want to have sex with him? No

Sounds like there is some distance between your ideas. You are angry that he doesnt recognise all that you do and have done.

Cappuccino · 27/01/2008 18:12

I don't want any more children oh no sir

but I would not ask dh to have snip

I reserve his right, if I ever get run over by a bus, to shack up with 25 year old with big boobs and have more kids to help him through the pain

anorak · 27/01/2008 18:31

I don't know about being selfish, but there's more to this than whether or not he has the snip, isn't there?

You sound as if you don't want to have sex with him anyway, and you're using that as an excuse. You sound as if you don't like him very much.

There are all kinds of issues being hinted at here and they are going to erode your marriage away to nothing if you don't deal with them.

Is it fair to expect your husband never to have sex again? I don't think so. He's made marriage vows to you, promised not to get sex elsewhere, he can't get it with you so he can't have sex, can he? Not fair in my opinion. He has a right not to choose to have surgery if he doesn't want to.

I would try and address the reasons why you're not missing sex with him enough to find a way round this.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 18:40

i agree with anorak

sounds like you don;t much desire him anyway

and this is a handy reason to keep him at arms length

I would be upset if DH refused to have sex with me unless i agreed to surgery to be sterilised

being sterilised can be a really big emotional thing for a lot of men and women

so when and if he has the snip, are you going to suddenly desire him , when he comes home smelling of beer etc.....

TurkeyLurkey · 27/01/2008 18:46

Agree with Lulumama and Anorak, you sound like you're resentful and angry with him and this is a way of getting at him?

Sorry if I've judged the tone of your posts wrong, but emotional blackmail really isn't going to get you anywhere? What will you do if he calls your bluff?

TurkeyLurkey · 27/01/2008 18:47

(don't know why I used loads of '?'s there!)

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:18

I completely disagree with all those who say this "says something" about the relationship!

It says only that he isn't prepared to step up to the plate and be a man!

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:22

Mum2Luke on Sun 27-Jan-08 17:07:12
I am on the combined pill but I don't want to be taking it forever, I do not see why I have to take anything or have anything inside me such as the coil etc. Why can't he do something for once and have 'the snip'?

I do not think i'm being self-centred at all, I think he is the one being self-centred and when he's been to the pub during the week and wants sex when he smells of beer.

I think there are more issues than this

she feels underapprecaited, that he is self centred, that sex can be a chore, that he moans

i think the vasectomy thing is the straw that broke the camel;s back

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:22

why should his wishes not be respected too?

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:25

because they've been respected all this time?

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:26

Take the pill ffs and grow up. We have the babies cos they can't physically. If they could I would let em go ahead. Why should your hubby get the snip just because you don't want anymore children, that's your choice. Mayhe he would kile more children. And as for not being able to take time off work to get your own tubes blocked, well that's just classic.

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:27

she's on the pill.. with all the risks that go with it.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:27

i don;t thikn there is a time limit on respect

i would not expect my DH to have surgery if he did not want to, nor would i attempt to blackmail him into it

there are different types of pill, injections, implants that the OP could look into.. contraception has to be something both people in the relationship agree too

imagine if she pushed him into a vasectomy, and there were complications, he would blame her

trying to force your will on someone is not a good way to deal with things

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