Am I selfish

[Mum2Luke]

Hiya, I don't know if I'm being selfish in not letting dh have sex until he has the snip. we are 41 and I deffo do not want any more children but he's a coward and won't go to have an operation that would take 1/2 hour.

What do you all think, we have 3 kids (17,14 and 5) and I have just got my life back and am applying for work outside of the home. I go out with my friends and don't have to think about babysitters as the older lad or girl does it for their pocket money.

Also at the moment my libido seems to have gone and I don't feel like sex at the end of a day with other people's kids. I work hard in what I do although he thinks I drink coffee all day!

I dont know if i have a history as it was undiagnosed. But it did seem hormonally/brain chemically induced to me. Would prefer not to put any more hormones into myself after 14 yrs on the pill. But have to find a method soon and was considering the coil.

I think the key issue here is the finality of a vasectomy. You are asking your DH to terminally remove his ability to have kids - ever ever.

As has been said before, if he is at the stage in his life where he has decided he never ever wants kids then yes, he should get it done.

If you are the one who has decided you never ever want kids again, you should take the sterilisation route.

And if neither of you can definitively say you want to completely remove the ability to have children, you should just find other methods. Unfortunately these are weighted towards the female partner. I can guarantee you that if there was a male contraception, many men (myself included) would happily take it.

Sex is an important part of any relationship. If you both want to be having sex, withholding it is not fair. If for any reason either of you doesn't want to be having sex, I would suggest looking at the reasons behind that first.

It's a tough one for you but it's tough for your DH too.

ps - why are people so judgemental here about people they know nothing about? "What other sacrifices is he making for the relationship?" (Dittany). How can anyone possibly know what else he give/sacrifices in the relationship. I know it's hard not to judge people in these forums (they are one-dimensional, as opposed to three dimensional RL) but sometimes it is too harsh.

I really can't stand it when death and divorce are given as reasons for not having a vasectomy, when there are real serious health risks involved in continued hormonal contraception as women head to the menopause, and surgical risks involved into sterilisation. It's like the entire male view of marriage is predicated on the possibility that he may at some point shack up with a younger woman for either of the above reasons. What a stupid way to look at marriage. Postingatlast, I was melting into reasonable debate but you have pushed me back into extremism!

Stuffitall, sorry really don't get what you mean when you say "It's like the entire male view of marriage is predicated on the possibility that he may at some point shack up with a younger woman for either of the above reasons.". I wasn't at all coming from that standpoint, nor do I hold that belief in any way whatsoever. If you read carefully, it's others who espoused the death/ divorce theory. I was simply saying that it is an issue which they have to either find a solution to individually or together (obvious statement). Vasectomy is one option but needn't be the only one. Insisting on a vasectomy and not allowing any intimacy until DH does it is, IMHO, a unilateral stance which is unfair. That doesn't mean however that it is not an option. I think you maybe picked on the wrong post to get pushed back into extremism!!

Sorry I did pick that up from the "finality" message of your post. But if HE is refusing to engage with the issue, to the point of refusing point blank, why should she just give up and give in? Some of the posts on here, including those from women, make me think the sixties and women's liberation never happened. She has got choices! I agree there seem to be more issues here than just vasectomy. But in general I would say a refusal to even consider it, out of respect for the wife's contraceptive work so far and her future health, is extremely selfish. Mama2luke is obviously in a place of last resort, and somebody pushed her there.

yes, he did! I mean I can see it from a man's point of view but surely its his turn, he can still have sex after a vasectomy, some make it sound as though its being cut off completely. It would be the same for me too, having a sterilisation op.

We cannot go through life just thinking of the 'what ifs', we have 3 gorgeous kids whom are all taken care of in our wills should anything happen to either or both of us.

I don't nag him to have the snip, its just I'm not that youngat 41 (biologically anyway) and certainly have no maternal feelings anymore except for my own children. I just feel I have done my bit and am fed up of having to take the pill everyday as well as my thyroxine for an underactive thyroid gland.

Mum2Luke
Well I'm with you .. and if you find the miracle answer please share it.. wish I had some tips instead of just support..
x

Reading the above posts it sounds as if there is more going on than just the issue of contraception. The OP sounds quite bitter towards her husband, and doesn't exactly sound enthused with her job either.

FWIW most people work hard and have exhausting lives. It shouldn't mean that your sex life has to suffer.

WRT to contraceptive bit, me and DP know for absolute certain that we don't want any more children. We have discussed steriliasation for both of us, and we both think that ir's too 'final'. It's certainly NOT so we can keep our options open, so to speak, it just seems a very large and emotional step to take. And it isn't very easily reversible. So I can understand anyone who decides not to go down that route.

I personally hate taking the pill, have tried loads of varieties and none of them agree with me. And I got pregnant a couple of years ago on Mirena, which caused complications and eventual ectopic pregnancy. So we use condoms. Which is fine. Can you not use those in the long term?

But condoms have a high failure rate. There was no way I was relying on condoms after having ds3 - I absolutely did not want another child. I couldn't actually relax and enjoy it if I was worried about pregnancy the whole time.

Vasectomy is the most reliable method. I wasn't that keen on tube tying as failures can lead to ectopics. I've had 3 absdominal ops anyway.

As for the finality. Both dh and I agreed we've been through the mill with ds1, then with having to watch 2 other children develop with a higher risk of being disabled (they're fine). Neither of us felt like we could go through that again- in any circumstance. And if I die (or we divorce), dh still has 3 children he's responsible for, including one severely disabled one. He didn't see his responsibilities as just ending with me not on the scene.

I sympathise Mum2Luke. I would not want to be taking the pill in your position either.

Hi
Mum2luke

NO you are NOT selfish with holding sex until your hubby has the snip!
I did exactly the same....
after being on the pill on and off for 10 years and after having traumatic births with my 3 children....I decided that I had had enough of my fanjo being messed with!!!!
DH wasnt prepared to use condoms....I had to come off the pill because of high blood pressure
Eventually ,he had the snip and said it was a piece of cake!!!
until his goolies started swelling ....then he took to his bed and demanded paracetamol and brews every hour....aw bless....
what a wuss
think I,m hard faced?!
I breast fed my 3rd baby round the clock for 2 months whilst looking after a 6 and 3 year old and hubby moaned if house was untidy and no tea ready......
revenge was sweet,I tell you....
only joking......love him really

but the trouble isnt over with....been suffering with severe heavy periods for years....so the messing with my fanjo goes on.....
should have carried on having more babies....at least you have a lovely baby at the end!

Mum2luke, I did the same as well. I've got 6 children, and I was blardy terrified of getting pregnant again. It didn't matter what precautions we used, I always ended up pregnant. XH used to blame me, rant and rave, every time I fell pregnant. Unbelievable.

So, I'm with you. It's your body. You are entitled to protect yourself from pregnancy any way you can. If he wants to continue to have sex with you, he knows what to do. You have done enough trips to the hospital. His turn.

Oh, sorry dead thread. How did this happen? Ignore ignore ignore

I don't want any more children either. I have discussed the merits of the snip for DP with my best friend and my sister but haven't yet got round to discussing it with DP.

Whilst I think it's the most practical solution for us, I don't like the idea that he might feel it was closing down his future options. I don't mean in terms of me getting run over by a bus or our DC being struck by lightening but by us separating. Something that happens to more than one in three couples.

YANBU at all. My Dh saw it as his duty after I had undergone three pregnacies, 2 c-sections and a miscarriage. He understood what it took out of me physically and emotionally to have our children and was more than happy to do his bit too. Neither of us wanted more children (except in my crazier more hormonal moments) so he "manned up" as he likes to phrase it and booked himself in.
I'd already been on the pill for 10 years, had the mirena fitted which completely erradicated my sex drive and we both hate condoms. It was the sensible and best option all round.

We now have a fab, care-free sex life (when all 3 kids are asleep at the same time!)

You know the real danger in putting up a sex block is that he could go off and find some anyways.

Sorry, but I do think you are being selfish. Sadly, most contraception is aimed at the women. You state that you think condoms are a passion killer and that only a vasectomy will do. I don't understand how you can expect your other half to put himself through a procedure which is at least uncomfortable, because you choose not to use condoms! I am 47 and like you, definitely do not want anymore children. I use the diapragm mostly with occasional use of condoms by my husband. Personally I prefer to be in control of the contraception, not that I don't trust him, but I just think that as I am the one who would be most affected by another pregnancy, I should be in charge of prevention. We have used this for almost all our married life, over 26 years now, and never had a problem with it. There are no hormones to worry about and we have never had a problem about being able to be spontaneous. It genuinely takes no longer to sort out than it does to put on a condom, in fact, I reckon it is quicker!
I suspect that there are other issues here and that this is a handy excuse not to have sex. Personally I couldn't do that to my husband : for one thing I still fancy the pants off him and he only has to give me a look or a wink to melt me and get me in the mood. If I stopped him having sex I would only be punishing myself! Maybe you need to look at your real reasons for with holding sex before you force him into a vasectomy!

Hi, I am sorry to have to agree with the majority - but Mum2luke you are definitely being unreasonable. Forcing a man into being sterilised against his will is wrong and it will virtually guarantee the end of your 'relationship' (if one still exists). How would you as a woman feel if you were forced/blackmailed into having a termination? By all means try to have a grown-up discussion about contraception, but you need to stop concentrating on forcing hime to have a procedure against his will. For the record also, it is NOT completely risk-free either. Medical studies and reports from men show up to 30% experience long-term chronic pain or discomfort afterwards, and it doubles a mans risk of develeoping kidney stones, and a increased rate of hardening of the arteries. Some studies also show an increased rate of prostate cancer in men who have had the procedure also. My DH experienced pain for months and even now 2 years on, it has affecetd him very negatively - a bit bit like having an overnight menopause from what he tells me. And in our case it was a JOINT decision - if you force this on him it would be IMHO cruel and vindictive and not what a marriage should be about at all.

Why has this old thread been resurrected?

This is an old thread but fwiw I agree with dittany....having sex is a voluntary act..she doesn't sound like she actively wants sex with him but is just about willing to go along with it for a quiet life..

she values her new freedom too much to risk a pregnancy for this selfish man

put bluntly,if he wants the sex then he can sort the contraception... why on earth some women think she should is beyond me

However,if she doesn't want sex with him ever,at all,better to tell him so he can postpone the vasectomy and get a new partner

Sometimes this forum reads like a throw back to the 1950s...didn't we want to leave these attitudes behind??