Am I selfish

[Mum2Luke]

Hiya, I don't know if I'm being selfish in not letting dh have sex until he has the snip. we are 41 and I deffo do not want any more children but he's a coward and won't go to have an operation that would take 1/2 hour.

What do you all think, we have 3 kids (17,14 and 5) and I have just got my life back and am applying for work outside of the home. I go out with my friends and don't have to think about babysitters as the older lad or girl does it for their pocket money.

Also at the moment my libido seems to have gone and I don't feel like sex at the end of a day with other people's kids. I work hard in what I do although he thinks I drink coffee all day!

we'll have to agree to disagree stuffitall

agree again kinder, contraception is the responsibility of both partners

Well actually i will soften my stance a little bit. I wouldn't do it. But I have a great deal of sympathy with her. Mama2luke sounds like she's been doing all the baby stuff, having them, preventing them, etc etc and she feels it's time her husband took some of the responsibility. Well I agree with her. And if there's an impasse then drastic measures may be taken.

However I agree that more and more and more talk is needed or it could be very destructive indeed.

Spelling was about a rollercoaster thread. Bottom line is she can't force him, not having sex with him won't change his mind so back to the drawing board.

and yes, contraception is the responsibility of BOTH partners

not just her

agree with that !

stalemate needs resolving or it will eat away at them

anyway wish I had the answer
desperate in the same way myself and was thinking of starting a thread on "persuasion" strategies

I sympathise. We avoided- 'could lead to pregnancy' sex type stuff (and no there was no bottom sex in the meantime for anyone wondering) until dh had the snip after our third. I absolutely couldn't hack another pregnancy again. DH had agreed though. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't agreed. Vasectomy is the most reliable option (far more reliable than the pill - which I wouldn't feel comfortable about at 41) & tbh I was so terrified of getting pregnant that I think I would have really struggled to trust anything else. I would have been very angry with dh if he hadn't agreed as well which would have added to problemd.

Have you really explained to him how you feel about getting pregnant again? I sympathise.

Rollercoaster thread?

Actually I think refusing to have penetrative sex until there was about as close to zero chance of pregnancy as you can get did rather speed up my rather disorganised's husband's trip to the GP.

He definitely didn't want another though, so had no problems with the sterilisation he just has a habit of not getting round to things.

Rollercoaster.ie it's the same thing as this but dare I say it has a slightly better lay out. Have a peek. Sorry for confusion

Seriously, I don't know what you mean - do you mean another forum? Another thread?

yanbu
you've had three children
no doubt taken on the burden of contraception most of the rest of that time?
sterilisation for you a big op
coil can lead to heavier periods
hormonal treatment (pill, mirena) have their own risks

Yep, in a nutshell, have had very heavy periods and pain to go with it when I was a teen right through till now. I feel I've done my bit with having the children AND sorting the contraception now its his turn.

Came on here for a bit of guidance, didn't expect slagging off from people like Irisheyes though. My work is not just babysitting you know, parents rely on me to look after their children while they work, if they take long periods of time off because I take time off to have an op then they end up in trouble and then i end up with no work if they get sacked, it has repercussions.

I don't want anything like the coil, it did exactly that, gave me heavier periods. dh doesnt want any more children either, if anything happened to me, he'd still have our 3 so what is he worried about having a small op compared with a woman's? I nearly had it last year but could not get any more time off after the hospital cancelled twice, the nurse advised me to get him to have the snip as it was alot easier and quicker.

I have no problem with you discussing dh stuffitall.

did you try the mirena coil? it is very effective and can often reduce bleeding, and even stop you having any periods

what about injection or implant?

if a man was on here posting that his DW was a selfish cow for not wanting a sterilisation, i think that posters would be up in arms

in a relationship, both parties should agree on somethning this important!

Yes, it was rubbish and I've tried injections and implants, I just feel its his turn now, why the hell I have to sort everything out to prevent pregnancy at my age of 41 is really not fair.

I've not bought the subject up for a while, we get on very well apart from this. I have tried to persuade him gently and have just had enough. I don't smoke, drink very little except on the odd friday night so no am not at risk. I just do not want to take any more chemicals or have any pushed into me via injection.

I do not think that is unreasonable do you?

if you ahve exhausted every contraceptive option then you need to get to the root of why DH is refusing the snip.. otherwise you are stuck in limbo

I am in a similar situation to yourself Mum2Luke. I've had 2 kids, am bringing them up, most definitely do not want anymore. I took the pill for years, it gave me migraines, I endured 2 pregnancies and labours plus one emergency section. I am now incontinent, tired, changed both physically and emotionally forever. I tried the minipill but it wasn't working out, I tried the coil but it made my periods last a fortnight and I felt ill with it.

Condoms never really worked for us before as it kills DH's passion somewhat so I took it upon myself to order special larger ones (yes he's well hung) along with some other stuff to make it all go more smoothly but still not much happening.

So we finally decided that it would be best if he had the snip. Appointment was made and then he cancelled with a day to go (something about what if something happened to our two and repopulating the world).

Anyway that was well over a year ago and we've barely had sex since, once I think.
I've offered to get sterilised but whilst he insists that it's easier for him still nothing has happened.

But in a way I'm relieved because I too have no sex drive. The lack of contraception means one less excuse for not having sex. It's as if the whole snip thing has become more a token or gesture of appreciation as well. IYSWIM

WARNING: if you have any history of depression, and particularly PND, avoid the Mirena coil with a ten-foot barge pole!

I think not having sex until he does something that he doesn't want to do could be very damaging to your relationship. (tbh it sounds quite damaged already). I hope that you can find a solution that doesn't leave either of you feeling resentful. I wouldn't get sterilised if my dh didn't want more children, for emotional more than physical reasons. Couples who don't have sex often find it hard to maintain a good relationship and it would be pretty awful if he was sterilised and then you couldn't keep the relationship together anyway. Could you just not have sex when you are ovulating?
I don't use contraception so perhaps I should shut up.

its goes like this - if you deffo dont want any more get your tubes tied

he defo doesnt want any ore -he get vasectomy

you both deffo dont want anymore - he gets a vasctomy becuase its simpler ( hardly half hour though)

if sex is sht
your dh is a twat
then those are sperate isues and shouldnt be mixed in with this issue as an excuse

YOU dont wantthe kids - do sommat about it then

my friend was in exactly your situation.
3 Kids.
Witheld sex from her dh until he agreed to get the snip. There were lots of other issues in their relationship too, but this was one she felt could be sorted easily.

he got the snip against his will.

Their problems did not go away.

She left him a year later.

He is now madly in love with this new partner - who has no kids and looks like will not have a chance to have any.

I am not suggesting this will happen to you but it does concern me that contraception may be the least of your worries.

I hope you reach a decision you are both happy with

seeing as that your youngest is 5, however, what i'd do in your shoes is arrange to have my tubes tied.

abroad.

complete with a week's recovery time in a hotel.

someplace nice, too.

and then i'd leave him with the kids, get on a plane and go have it done.

expat - thanks for the warning about mirena.

it's not bad for everyone, but really, if you have a history of PND, please think hard about it!