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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I selfish

95 replies

Mum2Luke · 23/01/2008 15:38

Hiya, I don't know if I'm being selfish in not letting dh have sex until he has the snip. we are 41 and I deffo do not want any more children but he's a coward and won't go to have an operation that would take 1/2 hour.

What do you all think, we have 3 kids (17,14 and 5) and I have just got my life back and am applying for work outside of the home. I go out with my friends and don't have to think about babysitters as the older lad or girl does it for their pocket money.

Also at the moment my libido seems to have gone and I don't feel like sex at the end of a day with other people's kids. I work hard in what I do although he thinks I drink coffee all day!

OP posts:
stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:28

sterlisation (i think but will happily be corrected?) is a general anaesthetic op with its own risks -- far greater than
vasectomy

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:28

yes, but neither procedure is risk free

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:29

but he's forcing his will on her

all those types of contraception carry increasing risks as the woman gets older .. and with the ages of her children I would guess (sorry to do this) that mama2luke is at an age where the risks do become greater

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:30

"Take the pill and grow up ffs"

How eloquent. IrishEyes78, were you, by any small chance, quoting directly from The Daily Mail?

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:30

If she is old and smokes yeah she is at risk but the pill also has benefits.

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:30

do you think he's not doing it because of the surgical risk? I have never met the man but i doubt it. I bet it's because he doesn't want his manhood affected.

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:31

which is immature

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:32

sorry mama2luke i was glib about your dh, got a bit carried away

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:32

Perhaps you should use a dictionary as you could do with brushing up on your spelling.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:32

there are more contraception options available than sterilisation or nothing

i still believe there is more to this than meets the eye

they are at stalemate, and need to work out how to move forward

kindersurprise · 27/01/2008 20:33

DH agreed almost 4 years ago to have the snip. We have never got around to doing anything about it.

Recently we talked about it and he revealed that he has issues about the finality of a vasectomy.

I understand that and we are using other contraception at the moment. Which, btw, you will have to do for some time after the op anyway.

I do not think that it is within our rights to force, by coercion or emotional blackmail our DHs to have the snip. If it were the other way around and he wanted you to be sterilised, there would be a great outcry.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:33
stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:33

irish i think you're here for a fight about something ..anything!

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:33

That was for colditz.

If she doesn't want anymore kids she can't force him into the snip. Maybe the grown up thing to do would be to discuss it with him and not us.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:34

amen to that kinder

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:34

Yes, the way people spell words is a well known indicator of whether or not they are making a valid point.

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:34

Not at all.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:34

well quite, irisheyes, but she asked the question!

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:35

What did I spell wrong? (and that's not sarcasm, there is obviously a gap in my spell checker that needs fixing)

Irisheyes78 · 27/01/2008 20:36

Like I said not here for a fight so won't bother to respond.

Lulumama · 27/01/2008 20:37

well, as far as i can see, there was no spelling mistake and it was a silly point to make.

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:37

Heh heh heh

stuffitall · 27/01/2008 20:37

She has discussed it with him. She says he's a coward about it. I don't think she's being unreasonable at all.

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:38

But it did circumvent the need for a valid response quite nicely, so well done on that point.

kindersurprise · 27/01/2008 20:39

I don't believe that is the problem wiht their manhood for many men. It is the finality of the snip that scares them.

If something were to happen to me, and my DH was left a widower then do I have the right to deny him and any future partner a child? When DH mentioned this I felt a bit hurt, but he is right.

Contraception cannot be decided by one person in the relationship.