Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

I would say something if I was absolutely sure. Wouldn't want to mess them about anymore.

Oh gosh I feel like I'm in a possible situation where this could happen to me. Been with DH since young but feel more like friends, intimacy feels odd as he does feel more like a family member. But he's a solid, kind caring guy and I worry I'd regret it massively if we separated (we have 1 young DC). Like you say your ex was, he isn't much of a go getter, I do pretty much everything and I don't particularly feel his absence when he's not around. But we've grown up together and I think that's a connection that you just can't break.

Could you see yourself wanting to be intimate with him now? Do you feel attracted to him in that way? How did he take the separation at the time?

You could sit down and tell him how you feel but it might seem as though you are only saying this now because he is with someone else. There is no harm in telling him but only if you are ready to reconcile. At the end of the day he is the same person that you left. Nobody fundamentally changes who they are. Also sit back and think as to whether this is leavers regret. You didn't want to have sex with him before and it will probably remain the same if you reconciled. He seems to be gathering himself and moving forward. Perhaps the best thing is for you to let him go and be happy for him.

Don’t go there, OP. It’s the family setup you miss, not him. You left for a reason, remember?

I would confess my feelings but not before I knew more about how serious his current relationship is. People do reconcile and remarry. Good luck!

It sounds like you are lonely and looking back with rose tinted glasses. Remember that you didn't fancy him then - has that changed? If not, how do you know he'd be content with no sex/intimacy?

Also if you've already made a bit of a move and he knocked you back as he's seeing someone else - I would think that suggests he likes this new woman he's with?

Have a conversation if you really feel you should by all means - but make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and prepare yourself for another possible rejection.

Have your feelings changed since you found out about his new relationship? It may not be connected but I’ve always felt I’ve missed my ex partners who were really significant to me more when I learned they’d moved on.

No I knocked him back - he made a move on me .

It's just so painful because no I don't fancy him but I never have and nor him me I think - I think we had sex when he needed sex but it rarely worked anyway . From day one he had ED issues . And I didn't really care after the kids came because I had them . He still initiated it every 8 weeks or so and I obliged but it wasn't great sex . But then all the other stuff - how well we get along , how we laughed together, how funny he can be , how lovely he is , he let me get away with absolute murder . Honestly I used to turn up home with waifs and strays and he never batted an eyelid . He never told me I couldn't do anything. He wasn't particularly interested in my career but I'd gone out and got a career because he wouldn't - I became the wage earner , the organiser, while he did loads of the drive work a
The kids were my domain . Dentists and doctors , parents evenings, now I've left he hasn't seen a bloody dentist in 8 years. It was his passivity that was both lovely but also infuriating at times . But we really did love each other - we had such a long history and a complete understanding of each other . We just never had it all - our sex life was dire . Just all awkward and fumbling somehow even after 30 years together. I just preferred not to bother . But then I felt I was missing something . But now I'm alone - menopausal, gained a stone , got athritis, realistically would I ever find it all now ? He's a good decent even tempered sweet man .
Today when he was round - I asked if when our debts are paid if he fancied a holiday together. He didn't really know what to say and I bailed him out and said no ? And he said not really .....I do t know what I thought really . Maybe I thought disappearing somewhere for 2 weeks on our own would do something. I don't know really . I do think he still loves me and I still love him , but maybe too much time has passed now . It's been over 8 years. I've not asked about his lady friend and he hasn't told me . I just think we both might end up alone and we were so good together in so many ways . I'm being a fool I think .

I’m in a similar boat. But we are now giving it another go (after over 10yrs). You’ve mentioned the holiday, let him think on it. Might be awkward as he’s got a new partner. One thing though is are you prepared to work on the sex thing? Maybe see a sex therapist?

We saw a sex therapist before we even got married. She told me to get on top . That was it .

That worked for him for a while .

I've just never fancied him like that and either I scare him or he doesn't fancy me either . Not sure which . I tried everything- dressing up , the whole stockings and suspenders thing , we've just never really been a sexual couple .

Now I've had some good sex it's hard to think that's my lot .

But now I'm single and if I'm honest I reckon I would remain single for life now . I work from home . I'm a hermit . (Mostly by choice ) I've tried the online dating and it's just shit . It passed a few hours . I think the type of man I'm sexually attracted to has often turned out to be narcissistic. Harks back to shit childhood I think . I just feel like I pressed the nuke button on my happy life and now I'm in between two worlds .

I've experienced good sex and enjoyed it .

But the bond I have with dh is way deeper than that and I'm 50 and he's closer to 60 and will sex even matter in 5 years?

Reading between the lines of your updates, what you're considering is settling for him in the absence of anything better but also reluctant to do so because of sex.

It seems like a bad idea to me.

It's not exactly settling tho because we have been together since I was 15 and he was 21 in one way or another. (He was the perfect gent and we didn't have sex (or try !) till I was 17 . )
He's just always been there and I miss him . I miss his good nature and his humour and his sweet gentle piss taking that always made me see what he was saying. I miss being with my dd. Doing stuff together. Holidays as a family . When I stayed there when the last relationship went tits up dd and I did so much together and the house was a happy home again .

I just feel empty . I genuinely miss him . We were always affectionate it was just the sex wasn't there . But in 10 years - will that even matter?
I'm absolutely fine alone - I like it . I prefer it to dating . But I miss my old life and I miss dh . I don't think that's going to pass now since it's been over 8 years. I darent say anything to him . It would t be fair now .

It depends on if it would be fair to him to give up the chance of a relationship with reciprocal sexual attraction.

Yes you're 50 and he's 60 but if you wanted to be with him for companionship only your asking him to give up intimacy.

How long have you been separated?
It sounds like you still see him quite a lot which if you have grown up children is not necessary. It's nice that you both can but if he gets a new partner that might not keep happening.

It sounds like he's fit into a sibling role and you were never that compatible to begin with

Sounds like you are resettling.

I don't know . Maybe . I think that's why I have held back . But is the alternative to settling again for someone I do love any worse than being alone ?

I don't think his new lady friend is anything more than a friend either . I just do t think he's made that way for sexual relationships.

Anyway I've said nothing. Need to keep it together for this dinner .

I really feel for you. You obviously love him. Love is not a single thing based on a single aspect of a relationship and the way you speak of him shows you really do love him. Unfortunately like you say, he appears to just not be a sexual man. Although you possibly would have seemed equally non sexual before your recent dalliances. I don't have any strong feelings for what would be right but I agree, in 15 years time perhaps the sex would be a non issue anyway. But not 5 years. Only you will know the answer. Between you this can be sorted but it will require communication and honesty

Well I think I missed my chance for any reconciliation at the end of last year . I messaged and asked if he wanted to do something together. Cinema or meal . He said he was still happily seeing someone . So that's me told. He hasn't confirmed if it's a romantic relationship or something else but he hasn't volunteered that so I haven't asked .

He and dd came for dinner . His body language was closed , didn't really engage in conversation. He had something on his glasses so I went to take them and he recoiled and said I can manage thanks . He seemed very cagey and he was avoiding me .

The message was clear . I need to get comfortable alone . I am mostly . If it were a few hundred years ago I'd be living in a cave proper hermit style . It was nice to cook something proper for once . I'm a sod for living on toast or omelettes. I just feel very alone . Not just alone , sad . Alone is ok .
I can't see any point in telling him now . I think he's made it obvious.

Perhaps you're feeling this more than you normally would as you no longer have the option to take him back.

It different not wanting someone when they're available to you if you want them and vaguely wanting someone you can no longer have.

I honestly believe you will be much better off in the long run, you're just in pain right now

Please be aware that he will definitely grow more distant from you now he is in a relationship, it's a mark of respect to his significant other. I'm sure he'll still be polite but he may not be as relaxed and open around you. As I said previously there's no real reason for you to see each other at all, it's nice that you do but dynamics change

It’s very possible that he thinks you’re playing games tbh, even if he knows that’s otherwise not your character. You knocked him back when he was single, but now you’re making overtures when he’s in a new relationship. It can very easily be perceived as you not actually wanting him, but not wanting someone else to have him (and that if he did go for it, you’d dump him when the new woman was off the scene). I imagine he’s confused and suspicious.

So you want to be with him now due to loneliness and a fear you won’t find anyone else vaguely passable. Plus, going back to him would allow you to afford things like shiny new cars and big splashy holidays.

And what does he get out of this? I woman who isn’t remotely attracted to him and wants him around similar to a pet that also feathers your nest.

What a terrible misuse of a person. You come across as quite shallow and mercenary, along with the preoccupation with sex. I think it would be good for you to introduce some depth into your decision making.

You say he has become more independent, and it sounds like he has gained some confidence. I think possibly he has seen through you, and good for him. People are not toys that you can pick up and put down as and when it suits you.

If it were a man writing this, you would have been crucified.

No fireworks that's not my motivation and never was .

I think looking back the menopause had a huge part in something akin to temporary insanity at the time I left . I just wanted to run away . From everything.

I'm not preoccupied with sex and never was - but I think meeting so young was a problem and there was an element of pressure to be in a relationship - he was my best friend and I needed him , but he did at one point say his feeling for me meant if we weren't going to be together he would have to leave , we had met through work . So rather than lose him , I went along with what were then more his wishes than mine . The thing is we we're together so long I did love him deeply and the points made up for the few difficulties we had . I was married and pregnant before I was 20. And we parented well together, certainly more during the latter years. But he was never very open emotionally, and there was a lot of compromise by me - his life didn't change with the kids , mine did . And all the decision making , was down to me . If onE of the kids was ill, it was my job to sort my work , one of our children was very I'll and for 8 weeks I was on a camp
Bed in a hospital room . He went back to work after a week . We needed to earn but he was very meek back then and wouldn't ask his employer for any time off - he once went 8 years without a pay rise . Those things used to build resentment. What I don't understand is why I went when I did because everything had become easier and more equal . But there were issues - his job for one , his hours were such we never had an evening together and I was alone every night for the entire duration of the marriage . We couldn't ever go for a meal or do anything together. And yes intimacy was an issue - that's not a preoccupation- but I also missed an entire chunk of development going straight from leaving school and home to married woman. But he was a good decent man . Kind and dependable. There was just never a spark . I wanted it all. Yes probably very selfish. And more so to think I could go back to how things were - yes I found out after I'd gone that I missed my life .
I am fine alone . Happy even . And I will suck it up , the consequences are mine . It's
Too late now . He has moved on . I didn't know how to tell him or talk to him , we couldn't have just gone back to how things were anyway . He's just been part of my life - the biggest part - for 35 years. I think I just kept swaying between getting on with it - made my bed and all that , and knowing it wasn't perfect, to thinking about how comfortable and easy it all was (mostly ) .
Anyway . I probably do sound shallow. I didn't dare act one way or the other and it's too late now . He's probably more adaptable than me - I don't think anyone else would measure up and it's the shared history, the family life we had - it's everything.
Snooze you lose . I snoozed and had to much indecision.

Also - I don't think I'd be confident for any intimate relationship with anyone now .

My ex (the five year one) caused me a significant injury and it's not pretty . He was very abusive . I ended up in emergency surgery due to something he did . He didn't come to hospital. I'm now disfigured. I'd be far too embarrassed I think to have any intimate relationship now . (I kept having surgery to rectify the problem but it just keeps happening- the couple of dalliances I had were after surgery but that only lasts so long .

Don't ask . It's too complicated and embarrassing. (Although ex did broadcast it to all my colleagues after the emergency surgery which I only found out after we split when a colleague messaged me)

I couldn't really get intimate with anyone now .

Recent ex (the 5 year one) just moved on to next woman , but I do think he was either autistic or narcissistic. But he physically disfigured me. No getting round that now .

I have come to the conclusion I am reaping what i sowed !

I suspect I will be alone and grow old with my dogs . I'd stopped smoking and drinking but now I think why .....fuck it ! I'd rather die happy young (ish) than get ancient alone . And that's my lot ! I'm fine with it . I made my choices and this is the consequence. Dh is still beneficiary of all my pension , life insurance and because I'm still paying our mortgage, critical illness cover . If I keel over he and my kids benefit. ! So my bad habits might benefit them long term . I'm riddled with athritis, at minute I can't drive , I reckon if I'm still here in 10 years I'll be in a wheelchair. I'm meant to retire in 10 years. I thought I'd buy a camper van and live in that . I wi t get another mortgage. I'm still on ours . Paid it since 1993 . But if I tried to get my equity dh would be forced to sell and be homeless and dd still lives there at min (we'll part time ) and she thinks I'm the baddie anyway . So I don't push for my equity. My guilt I think. I walked away and that was t their choosing.

I'm not really that shallow. I have nothing from the marriage. I left everything.

The more I think about it the more I think I've been misused as a person .

But I keep quiet and get on with my life because it would just cause too much disruption if I tried to get what I'm owed .

If dh does continue with this relationship I'd hope his new partner might either but need out or if he moves in with her sells our house and I get my share to try and start again with.

Clearly, I know very little about your life, and my first post was a bit hasty, I’m sorry that it was a bit harsh. It sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot, the way you’ve raised your family sounds gruelling and lonely. I see what you mean about things becoming easier later on in the marriage. You deserve happiness and I do hope you find it. Did you find some help with the menopause?