Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

Thank you for that

I'm on HRT now although the big symptoms have started kicking in now. I think it affected my mind well before it did physically. But what's done is done . Tbf I think my dh probably think the same as you did . But it's prompted a conversation about divorce and our finances- although he says he doesn't want to change anything in that respect- which is t surprising because I'm still paying most of our joint debt off plus he got the house - so he will have an asset unless we get a move on and get it into the kids names for them . I pointed out I will be in rented accommodation and wont have a way of paying everything when I finish work - his answer to that is I'll get housing benefit and universal credit ! Soo have to squander my pension first on rent ! I've not replied . But he has the house and his new partner has a house . I do t think he's like what I'd have to say re my share and I do t want him to have to sell because it is for the kids future. But he doesn't appreciate quite how reasonable I've been . I did t go for anything because I left and it was my fault and I did t want him to suffer for it financially.but I do wonder see how long I have to self flagellate . It's a discussion for another time . Dd is firmly on his side and I dont want to push her away .

Presumably the house situation was set out in the divorce.

He sounds like a nice man who's a bit rubbish at sex. After all the years living with a nice man who doesn't have a lot of go you wanted more.

He may well still love you but he has moved on. Even if this new relationship is just friends I suspect he's basically decided you left and why should he have you back and risk it again.

Yep that's fair - but we haven't yet divorced because we have an IVA each which I pay both of . Once our debt is settled we can look at divorce, but I've buried my head in the sand a lot about that because I think part of that process is financial settlement and I've not wanted to cause any upheaval to him , so I've basically given up my share of everything whilst paying 3/4 of our joint debt because I'm the earner . I became the earner because he wouldn't . I sacrificed so much over the years and I realised that if we were ever going to have anything, I'd have to get it . So I did . I went out and got a career and we saw even less of each other , because then he was permanent nights and I was also full time . We could never do any fun stuff or even try a date night because he wasn't there on an evening. We would go for lunch occasionally, but he distanced himself a bit when I started my full time career, the crunch came when there was a tv program on my job , and it was me in it and my colleagues, it was a 3 part documentary. I was excited about it and asked if he wanted to watch it - his reply was "I'm not that interested to be honest " . I think something died in me when he said that . It was like he was saying I'll enjoy the money you bring in but what you actually do doesn't matter to me .

Maybe this is all for the best .

You are more in need of secure housing than your children.

It is much more difficult to suffer from insecure housing in old age than it is to go through the same thing when young. Youth does enjoy more resiliency and the physical impact is not as profound.

They will have plenty of time to form careers, rent and eventually pair up with partners and be able to pool their resources. A studio / one bedroom with two incomes is very mageable and perfectly suitable for young people. And if they are able to have an education that gives them options, they may well be financially better off than you when they reach your age.

If you have managed to buy a home, your children can always come and share it with you should they need, and it will go to them in the event of your passing, and statistics being what they are, they will outlive you.

How can you be sure if the original family home goes to them while they are still young that youth and naïveté won’t lead them to sell it or make bad decisions about it. Safer that any inheritance from you goes to them later.

You will be a better support to them through life if you are in good order and are able to stay around a long time because you’ve done your best to look after yourself without worrying about loosing your pension and relying on the state to look after you in whatever conditions they see fit. You cannot predict what the law will be like by then, the environment may become more hostile than it is now.

Were you making a move on your ex whilst he may already be taken and you hadn’t even verified that?
Why would you put yourself in that position?
Did you consider that would make him a cheater, and if he cheats on that woman, you would be fair game in the future, too.

Could be part of the reason why he may not trust your advances. People who don’t respect the relationships of others often don’t respect their own either.
Most thoughtful people wouldn’t want to be a partner mixed up in all of that.

It all sounds quite messy. As though you never really did truly let go of your ex. You dislike him - you mention something had died, yet you miss and want the lifestyle, even if he may be with someone else now.

Do you sit and take time with yourself to analyse your thoughts and feelings, where they are stemming from, how they impact those around you (not just yourself), what the long term outcomes might be?

I would focus on clearing up your thoughts and what you want and why, and make sure those decisions are finalised completely before you act or get involved with someone again.

It’s all very confused. Did you ever consider therapy?

I did not make any move on him .

I do t know where that's come from ?
HE made a move on me and when that happened we were both still single .

I do t know where I've ever said I made a move on him - I never have .

You’ve invited ex h to various things like dinner, movie, long holiday - (to get things “moving”), and he’s declined, telling you no and it’s because he’s seeing someone.
You’ve have also tried to do intimate acts like taking glasses off his face to clean them for him and he’s “recoiled” and “avoided” you.

From that description, I would say he felt you’d crossed his boundaries without invitation, and he’s told you at least twice he’s “seeing someone”.

I have not usually heard people referring to a platonic friend as “seeing someone”.

It sounds to me like you’re in denial about his relationship, or indeed any other he may have in the future, since you’ve said you believe you might both end up alone.
There isn’t anything to indicate that from what you’ve said, apart from you didn’t have as much or the kind of sex you would have like.
This does not necessarily mean he is not interested in sex at all, or will never be compatible with anyone else sexually. Especially since you have wondered if being afraid of you interfered with his sexual performance, which is an unusual thing to say…

It wasn't actually unusual for us to go out together- so when I asked about cinema or meal .

Yep I accept things have changed. He's seeing someone now . I think I was used to the best friend thing , where we still did some things together.

Things have inevitably changed. And he is saying I can spend my pension on rent then claim benefits. Having paid off almost 39k of joint debt - I aren't happy to do that . Our dd is buying a house - he says he knows we need the financial discussion. I think to be honest I need legal advice now re finances - I really hoped to avoid that. I've no
Wish to hurt him emotionally or financially but I've enabled a financial imbalance because of guilt. Now he has a relationship, the house and will be debt free because I've paid everything. I really do t want to fall out with him but he's got everything out of this and I've come away with nothing .

I think We would have reconciled but I dallied and that's my fault.

I've got half a house there which he thinks I should walk away from and spend my pension on rent .

I think that sort of sums up how things were . I can see us needing legal advice . He won't t want or like that at all . I won't either but he's completely distanced himself and it's fine I understand why if he's in a new relationship but I think he expects me to fade away , leave the house with him , and take nothing . He says it's
For the kids . Yep it will be - but how do I live after retirement? Unless I just pack up buy a camper van and live in that ....he can have the house I just need not to be paying rent on retirement.

When I say he was afraid of me - he was a virgin when we met .

There was also a clear difference between us .

He was bookish and painfully shy , had terrible acne , weighed 10 stone at 6ft 5 , looked unkempt.

I was a glamour puss. Size 6 . Started a job in the European patents office , wore nice clothes , always smart . Back then - I turned heads although I didn't notice for years . I did t have any confidence at all but I was chatty and gregarious.

My dh and I were seen as total opposites.

That's what I meant by I scared him .
Our values, politics , sense of humour, and ethics aligned perfectly. The important stuff . We just didn't physically look like a couple.

This sounds so like my current marriage, and how I'm thinking right now about just leaving it all.

I do everything like you, main earner because he won't etc.. it's like reading my own post.

Except I haven't left yet.. for all the reasons your regretting, but I feel like a fraud staying around.

I think what you did and deciding to split was admirable, you were brave you took a risk.

I feel like you could keep dating? Move on from him but right now his new partner has thrown you.

I really don't think reading your posts that he is the right man for you, he's just a very dear friend. You need to maybe give yourself a break, could you go travelling have some time away?

Gosh OP, you have had a tough time.

You pay the morgage so he has your home and you are in rented accommodation?

I bet he wants things to remain as they are.

I think you need to move forward on this divorce whilst you are able.

Your situation is very precarious.

Your marriage sounds like it was very much on his terms, no wonder you left.

You raised the family and paid for most of it whilst he was free to coast.

Your daughter can believe what she chooses.

You need to regularise your situation and move forward with the divorce and settle your finances once and for all.

I am so sorry that your life has been so hard.

Sort out your finances and move forward with your life - why are you allowing them all to ride roughshod over you? I think actually you almost want to be with him partly because it's a handy way of not having to face the whole financial mess, of properly separating finances and then divorcing. Do it now while you are still earning! Take what is rightfully yours and stop paying his debts, and then you can hopefully finally move on and be happy, putting this in the past. You are in limbo until then and I think a part of you knows this and doesn't want to love like that anymore.
Get a shit hot solicitor, don't do it on your own. Start getting angry and start moving on.

I've sent him a message saying the only way I'd get housing benefit etc is if I spend all my pension on rent first . I've suggested we get proper legal advice in the finances .
He isn't going to like that , but I was meant to be taking dd out tomorrow to buy her some stuff for her new house and she's backed out . I know it's because her loyalties lie with her dad - and that's fine . But I'm done being a door mat . I've tried to continue to do nothing because I feared it would further hurt my relationship with dd and dh but dd has said there's no point in coming to see me because the shops will be shut etc . It's clear she only wants to see me when I can provide the materialistic things that I could before - I can't now so much because I'm paying for everything! I did t want to hurt our relationship any more . I'm in a proper quandary because she already thinks I'm the baddie in all this . If press things she's goi g to cut me off I fear . That's why I've been treading water for 8 years.

My son has already said she judges me . (Which I know) . My relationship with her was worth more to me than my equity. But I do t think this is salvageable whatever I do.

I've actually come to realise my life is shit .

I'm worth more to them if I keel over . I have life insurance , critical illness cover in the mortgage and my pension . They'd be quids in .

I was really trying to live a healthier life these last few months but I went and bought cigarettes tonight .
I've nothing in my life at all . No relationship, no work life at min I've been working from home last 6 Months due to athritis as I can't drive . I'll be working from home another few months at least . I can't get anywhere. My car has a flat tyre , is overdue a service by 4 years, and no money for petrol anyway . I see absolutely not another human being. (Except my neighbour through the fence ) . Dd blames me for everything to do with the split (and she's right it was my fault ) . Dh has moved on and that's fine , but I'm still skinting myself and they both resent me anyway .
I have zero life and zero money . I think it's called karma !

But if I'm going to be the baddie I may as well be the baddie .

I feel like my life is over as in its an empty void . Everyday is ground hog day . I work from home for 8 hours. Alone . Spend every night alone . Repeat the following day. And I've got absolutely comfortable with that . Today I slept all day on and off . Got up at 7pm , went and bought dog food wine and fags and went back to bed ! It's my happy place . I didn't eat until gone 9 and couldn't be arsed to cook so had a ping meal . I'm wide awake now cos I've dozed all day . I'll likely do same tomorrow since dd is t coming.

I cooked for them Tuesday when they came over - it was nice . I like cooking but not just for me . Seems pointless. I think they'll not come again for a long time now . And since dh is now seeing someone I anticipate a lot less contact which is fair enough.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight . I think I've lost everything. And it feels ok to just stay in bed , not get dressed or showered and be a hermit . I do t even get dressed to go to shop - I shove jeans on leave my pj tip on and out a cost over I never bother with make up anymore and I dry shampoo my hair . I must look like a right catch

It all just keeps going downhill. And I aren't even bothered. Just accepting it . That all I can do .

Oh and it's unlikely I'd ever have intimacy again anyway since my self esteem was so shit I allowed my ex to do something to me that landed me in a&e having emergency surgery on my nether regions which now resembles road kill.

I did have a couple of liaisons following that but unsurprisingly they didn't last long ! I won't be doing that again.

I am done .

It wasn't dh who hurt me btw - it was the ltr I had after I left )

Realised I'd already y said that . I have a terrible memory!

The other thing is we've always spent Xmas together as a family. That won't happen now will it ?

I think you're being a bit harsh to yourself here. Loads of women by 50 have "damaged nether regions", due to various reasons, they don't look like they did at 20 years old - that's normal. How they look isn't very important!

Hello op. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think you need to start taking care of yourself and trying to look forward. Start with the little things like getting dressed and showered and making your bed and take it from there. As an ex divorce lawyer I would say that you need to get advice and not walk away from is yours. It doesn't mean that uou are getting revenge or being nasty, just getting a fair deal for your years of work. He's not going to like it as at the moment he's doing very well but the current situation is unsustainable for you and great for him. Don't put any property into your children's names . Please don't walk away for fear of rocking a boat that is sailing away whilst you drown.

And just realised I’ve posted this one someone’s else thread! I’m so sorry 😞

I’ve requested MNHQ delete it 😞

im so sorry OP x

OP, I am so sorry but you are living in poverty paying for an ex.

You cannot change your daughter.

You are worried about a relationship that you cannot fix at the moment.

They are using you.

I suggest you get legal advice and start the divorce asap.

The house needs selling and all your payments since you left need repaying.

You need to see your doctor too.

Can you approach the morgage company immediately for a payment pause while the house is sold?

Your husband has used you for 8 years happily.

His housing needs are NOT your problem.

You need to help yourself your family won't.
Try eating to keep your strength up.

Doctor.
Lawyer.
Morgage company.

First thing Tuesday morning.

Keep posting.

Good post from @billy1966 . You can do it OP, you don't deserve to be living in poverty paying someone else's debt.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong. It's not a crime to leave a relationship for any reason. Given your daughter is clearly an adult I'm surprised she's not a little more understanding of both you and your ex.