Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

I think you have paid your dues to these people.

your daughter is holding you against a wall so to speak

you talk about being a good mother well now it is time to set an example

you are not a pushover and nor are you stupid

nothing now will change the fact you left your marriage

she has no right to imply you should have stayed when you were unhappy to appease her and her father!!

if you stop being a doormat people won’t have the ability to steamroll you

you should not be giving up your wine or your pets to fund your ex husband’s or your daughters life!

shes 25 for god sake she should be paying rent or something

you left your marriage and as far as I know that’s not financially punishable for life!!

im sorry to hear that you are lonely but you sound like a lovely person - you should consider volunteering or similar or Google walking clubs etc in your area

do not keep looking back as you are not heading that way? Sadly you kept doing it abs became stuck!

glance back yes, but look forward

always be kind to your dd, offer meet ups etc but don’t let her dictate your life/financials any longer as it’s just not going to work out well for you

believe me if they want to view you as the baddie they will find a reason to do it even if you won the lottery and paid off the mortgage!!

Had a similar situation, was with a nice steady guy but sex life dwindled and then just felt awkward. Next guy ended up being abusive but sex was off the scale, found him so attractive.

Now I'm with DH who is kinda in the middle. Great sex, decent guy, I don't think we could ever be 'just friends' though. Me and my ex remained friends for a while after we broke up, a few years in fact. I grew up in a household where I was provided for but there was very little physical touch or emotional intelligence. So to meet this lovely, kind guy who looked after me and had so much warmth and emotional availability... It was like that 'family feeling' that I'd never had. He helped repair my attachment wound. He was like the brother/father I'd never had. Which is why I think sex dwindled. Getting over him was awful, I grieved hard.

I don't think there's too much harm in telling him how you feel. Do consider why you're doing it though. Are you trying to cling on to something from the past? Is it really a full relationship without sex? You're scared of moving on to something new? Which is normal. But there is likely someone else out there who you're attracted to sexually who would make a good partner.

@MyStarBoy

I think the issue is that from DD’s point of view the “mistake” was more than just leaving the marriage - it was leaving the marriage for mr exciting and volatile and getting pregnant by him and then when that relationship didn’t work coming back and trying it with Mr. Not good enough in the first place (aka her dad) again.

There is way more to this with the pregnancy and they type of relationship she wanted than just another one of those couples who divorces (often in the menapause years) then gets back together later. There’s a lot of pretty toxic water under the bridge.

I don’t think either of them are piss takers and calling them that doesn’t help. Many women keep the family home with the kids on separation - especially if the husband is the one that leaves.
I do agree that after that at this point she shouldn’t owe him anything. However the reality is as the higher earner she may, just as many men who earn more owe part of their pension and so on.

She waited until her daughter had left for university, hardly the same as running out on a house full of children on a whim.

Her daughter is 25 and if she feels such distaste for her mother she should have the self respect not to expect to live for free in the home that her father also continues to live in, rent free.

Lots of people choose not to progress their job and live a stress free existence, but it is not acceptable IMO for a man to do it whilst doing none of the heavy lifting at home, and expecting their wife to be the main earner too.

I have several friends that are very high earners, but their husbands 100% pull their weight and carry the extra load when they travel etc.

Why? Because the very high earner is paying for the lovely home and the great holidays.

There is no way my friends would tolerate a lazy husband whilst they juggle high pressure jobs, managing a home and the mental load of several children.

Not a chance.

I am sympathetic towards the daughter but she has lived off her mother long enough and happily punished while at it.

No one can force anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage, and divorce can absolutely be the best thing for the person leaving. That doesn’t mean it’s not devastating for any children of the marriage, of that they will look upon their parent kindly for leaving.

in this case OP left for a man she was cheating with, and immediately went to start a new family. All of a sudden her family is smashed, as well as her image of her mother. Not only that, but she’s also got a front row seat to her father’s devastation. Of course she’s hurt and angry, and whilst OP may have apologized, hurts that run deep don’t just magically disappear if someone says ‘sorry’, especially if you believe that sorry to be self serving.

I do wonder how the daughter was treated in this five years OP was with the new man, and how he treated her.

unfortunately this relationship is likely to take a long time to be repaired, if it is indeed reparable. Presumably OP would like to keep the door open on a relationship with her daughter, so acting like the daughter is a villain and it’s poor OP that is wholly a victim in this is unlikely to result in that, because it totally discounts the fact that the daughter has her own perspective, as well as legitimate hurts as a result of OP’s actions. Honestly, they could each do with therapy if they want to navigate a bond going forward.

..."@MumKnowsBetterThanYou I don’t think either of them are piss takers and calling them that doesn’t help. Many women keep the family home with the kids on separation - especially if the husband is the one that leaves."

I call a spade a spade and HE IS a piss-taker.
OP is unwell and he/daughter are saying OP should claim benefits (which she obviously can't), so that the lazy can carry on being a kept man - as he has been throughout their married life. He couldn't even be bothered to watch a documentary about her job, but he's enjoyed the benefits of being bank-rolled all his adult life.

OP's daughter needs to take a step back and respect that this was not her marriage. Perhaps OP should enlighten her with the adult stuff and I don't mean sex; but the mental strain of keeping everything afloat in the marriage.

He's got a new GF, so now is the time for him to put his money where his mouth is and agree to a divorce.

@MyStarBoy

So she payed for more than him - literally like happens for the majority of women and yet I can’t imagine you slagging them off like this or calling them kept (especially if they have a job had he does)
Most men who are the higher earners who leave the family don’t get the home and get trashed if they force a sale.

OP’s daughter has lived with her father - obviously she knows what he’s like and since she chooses to live with him it can’t be all that bad. She also knows that the reality is OP left boring and unambitious dad for mr exciting and dangerous and fell pregnant by him. She feels that OP would have less time for her if that worked out and she is likely right about that. That OP had a tough time and the relationship turned abusive doesn’t change that. In fact given that it’s quite likely the kind of guy OP was choosing was quite obvious to DD (as it often is to everyone but the infatuated woman in these situations) it may make it worse, that is if she feels OP rushed headlong out of family for excitment and the excitment that a dramatic (nice word for emotionally abusive) relationship would offer.

Children are under no obligation to make their parents post divorce life as good as possible by supporting what essentially amounts to destroying their family. People who choose the divorce may not want to hear that but it’s true.

@hagathachristie this is all true. You made a mistake, lots of people do. Your daughter is just being protective of her dad which is understandable but it doesn’t mean she is being completely fair. Take care of yourself, you’ve let him know your feelings, so maybe give it just a little more time to let the dust settle before you make any drastic moves. He may yet change his mind about your relationship, you can’t count on it but it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t agree to reuniting straight away given all that has happened. If it’s meant to be it will work out- eventually. Either way, now is probably a good time to start building some happiness and daily joy for yourself, it is shit, though it will get better, you’re allowed to feel sad and upset about that 💐

@whythou111

I know divorced couples can often get back together after years as they both get older and can forgive being left, but I do think that her being pregnant with another man’s child would be a very hard thing for most men to get around.

I’m not sure why her doing all the reading and financial providing is particularly relevant. For a start we don’t know the actual dynamic on at least the former, and you also can’t assume that because OP did the ‘wife work’ that she was automatically closer to her daughter. Relationships are generally more complex than that. She may very well have naturally got on better with her father.

it also doesn’t take into account the impact of OP leaving, and the damage that can do to an otherwise good relationship. In fact it may have hurt her more if they were indeed closer, because she’s going to wonder if she did in fact know her mother. That may have also been the catalyst of her developing a closer relationship with her father if they didn’t already have one. We also don’t know the level of damage the five years did to OP’s relationship with her, or if they particularly had one where OP was present (rather than distracted by).

All that said, no, OP is not obliged to live in poverty. I don’t think she should either. My point is that I don’t think it’s helpful to look upon OP as a victim of her daughter, or to suggest that her daughter has no legitimate grievance against her mother. Not if there’s any hope of reconciliation between mother and daughter, anyway.

You sound so unhappy. You are looking back at the past with rose-tinted specs firmly in place. You don't want to go back to a comfortable but dull existence for goodness sake.

You have realised you are miserable, and you sound as if you have just given up now.

Don't give up! Get back to the gregarious person you once were. Change your job. Practice mindfulness. Treat yourself kindly. Life is short and you can turn things around - and not by returning to an unsatisfactory relationship.

Your daughter sounds awful, manipulative and bitchy. She's 25 not 15, tell her to grow up and stop regarding you as a cash machine. Pocket money handouts should have stopped long ago.

@Summerslam

Dont agree that her daughter sounds awful at all. Her mother left the family and left to go to a more exciting and dramatic relationship with an abusive man rather than her safe nice father - and this relationship continued for 5 years. Her mother was also wanting to move on to a new family with this man (that it ended tragically doesn’t change the fact that was her wish). Who knows what the relationship with her daughter was like during that time.

Her daughter says that she wouldn’t be bothering as much with her if her post divorce relationships had worked out and though it’s harsh to say, her daughter is almost certainly right.
As much as it’s not PC to say it, some women do make a choice to be with emotionally abusive partners over their own children sometimes, because they are feeling fulfilled and all kinds of emotions at the time. It sounds like that is what the daughter is feeling here.

During all this the daughter has supported her father emotionally. I don’t think she sounds terrible at all. Maybe she’s a little entitled, maybe not. But terrible? Hardly.

Anyway demonising the daughter and encouraging OP to blame her (for what?) really will help nothing

I think it's easy to look back and feel sadness about what you lost.
Where many things were right into your relationship, by your own admission some things weren't right. Do you feel these could be resolved?
I feel it wasn't right and that is why you are where you are. Things working second time round would be a long shot.

My dd isn't a terrible person at all, she's absolutely lovely and yes we were close , which is why this hurts - knowing I've done so much damage to her .

During the 5 years I was in the other relationship I still saw dd and ds often .

It seems the more time passes the more angry / hurt she is with me .

She says she accepts that her dad and I weren't right for each other but I didn't fully appreciate the extent of her hurt . I just thought both of them were off living their own lives and it was time for me to do the same .

When I left I lived alone for 18 months . When I got pg dd was excited about it and wanted to be involved.

You're right I probably am looking back with rose tinted glasses but I feel like whatever insanity took hold of me - we had weathered all the really hard times and things were just getting easier.

Dh was never particularly "there" for me after the first few years. When I had our son he couldn't drive , so a relative picked me up from hospital. I got back home in December at 6pm , dh was still in bed after a night shift , he knew I was on my way home with the baby, I arrived to a cold , dark house - he didn't even get up . No lights on , no heating on . I feel like he took me for granted. He always looked to me to "fix" things . He had to be pushed to learn to drive , the last time I saw my mother and step father I had my baby son of 3 weeks in my arms and my stepfather went for me during a row over one of my visiting friends knocking over a glass . Dh didn't do anything. He said let's leave but I feel if my stepfather had hit me he would have stood there and watched .

But things did settle down over the following years and we found a way that everything worked and we were like a well oiled machine.

I did have periods of unhappiness but always gave myself a shake .

Dd has said that she feels like my time was taken up with ds because he had disabilities but again I was left to do all the donkey work and sometimes her perception is very different to what I remember. She was just the easier child , and I probably loved her more for that .

I think there is a lot that dd hasn't said , but I think it would unleash a torrent .

She seems to think I don't make enough effort for her but I just haven't got any oomph left in me to make effort for anything. I have given up . I'm about to have my first shower since Wednesday (mingling I know ) I've got physio therapy in the morning and the thought of dragging myself out of the house has my fingers tingling with anxiety and my stomach lurching .

I've tried to explain to her but she's never been depressed. She's a go getter, always out , always busy .

I think she just thinks I'm a loser .

I’m in exactly the same position and it is eating me up inside.
i cringe when I read threads on mumsnet advising people to leave dull marriages.

Why?

Could I say Op your situation is not disimilar to many women and men who have been left high and dry by their partners.
Regrets over a lost future and feeling abandonned above a certain age without much hope of finding an enduring settled love.

Many people are of an age whereby they feel are too old to spark up with a new partner, although MN likes to believe all women are capable of finding love no matter what decade you are in.

Many factors including family and health contribute to this and many are resigned to leading their latter years coping with other means of getting by. Now I'm not saying this is you but it seems you have been the driving force in your marriage and always steered the way and when you were given the opportunity to begin a new life with someone else you took it.

Sometimes things don't work out and maybe your daughter saw this coming, leaving a dependable but boring man for well it seems an abusive one. Sometimes we just do not appreciate or we take for granted they will always be there. I do not know the circumstances of your time away from husband and daughter, it seems you still kept in contact and maybe your control over the finances with your ex property was in part a sort of insurance policy for someday if things didn't work out to return to the fold as it were.

Your anger I feel stems from having that control of your past life, the financial control you've always held and now are seeing it does not guarentee your future plans.

This needs to be spoken, the situation is not tenable for you anymore and it looks like they do not wish to forgive, which is their perogative, so now you must make different plans, plans which allow you to have some sort of financial future to enrich your life.

Make peace with the loss of your family home but this in no way means your life is ending, you just need to adjust to a new life, one in which many of us out there are trying to attain and be content with.

Take care

OP, any response to your letter?

Are you really driven by love in returning to him, or by fear? Maybe even jealousy? These are emotions that happen to us all at some time, we need not bury them or make believe they don’t happen.
It is important to know your own motivations, so you do not deceive yourself. This can happen more than we allow ourselves to know. Sometimes the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

I think the OP wrote earlier somewhere that her daughter is unhappy about the lack of time spent with her in the past. 5 years is a long time to be distracted in a relationship. It seems there was a suggestion of giving more time to the other sibling who had more issues, which I guess most likely predated the 5 year relationship, that’s a lot of time to be partially absent for the daughter.

If the father was more present, especially emotionally during those times, you can see why her loyalties may have drifted.

This is something that can most likely be remedied by time rather than talk.
You both need each other, it’s an important relationship. A poor one can impact the mental health of both. I would urge you to put the effort in now that you say you can’t find. You may regret doing so later down the line, when her life has even more responsibilities and family and careers becomes all consuming and she may lack the or the inclination time to patch this up. Don’t let time solidify this.

I would reduce the shopping trips if it were me and do something with her that bonds us. Love doesn’t or shouldn’t cost hard cash or cold cards. Teach her something more valuable and useful, such as volunteering, the use of therapy, learning new skills and arts, opening her mind to the possibilities of the world in terms of culture and making meaningful connections with others.

Like @Fourhorses, tell us why?

@whumpthereitis
in this case OP left for a man she was cheating with, and immediately went to start a new family

You seem to have read a different thread to me, can you point to the @hagathachristie quote where you got that information from?

I misread the first post, and OP since clarified. No problem acknowledging that I was mistaken on that part.

Assumptions can be quite logical though.

Why would this woman who held the financial reigns in her marriage just leave and be part to devastating her daughter for the lull of an empty bed.

Although many like to convince others of absolutely no affair whilst leaving, how often is that true.

I rented a cottage on leaving and lived alone for 18 months.

Did your daughter visit you often in this cottage ?

From your posting style and your daughter mentioning that you could save money by not buying wine, could it be that you are overdoing it with your alcohol intake and that's not helping your depression?