Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

Ask king as I can have
My pets and not pay rent I'm not bothered that much with getting my equity.

I'll get
Some legal advice and I've suggested we go together for that , I can get reduced rates through work .

I do think you need to remember more of this stuff. The reasons why you left.
You are possibly still grieving for the relationship you ‘wish it had been’.

Well I think I've fucked it either way tbh .

I pointed out I will be in rented accommodation and wont have a way of paying everything when I finish work - his answer to that is I'll get housing benefit and universal credit ! Soo have to squander my pension first on rent

You won't get anything means tested. You have an asset (house) which could be sold. They'll count its value as if it were cash savings in the bank.

You need to sort out the finances. Get divorced for starters. Let him pay half the joint debt, how he does that is his problem. Perhaps it'll be the kick up the backside he needs to find better paid work, or perhaps he'll need to get the IVA terms looked at again if the payment isn't affordable. Sell the house and buy two flats. If he needs a mortgage for his that's on him, don't give it a moment's thought.

Essentially, stop wallowing in self pity and sort your life out. You've had a shit time, but it's not his job to fix it for you by getting back with you. He's your bestie and that's all he'll ever be. But he's already told you he's not up for that, he was in love with you and wanted all or nothing. Everything you've seen as friendship eg cinema holiday etc he's seen as love. You continuing to pay for everything and not get divorced will have confused him, he maybe thought you'd come back eventually. Seems he's now finally moved on with someone else and accepted things are over between you. You need to let him go. Properly. You're hurting yourself by sticking around. You don't deserve to be punished, stop sabotaging yourself.

Your issues with being in an abusive relationship and having low self esteem due to surgery etc aren't his problem. Just like his lack of ambition and inability to afford debts isn't yours.

Your relationship with him is dysfunctional. What 21yr old wants to date a 15yr old? It's not right really. Although he did the right thing and it wasn't a sexual relationship to start with, it's also not right in another way because what 21yr old decides to date someone who is celibate for 2yrs? That's very unusual. He's got issues, for sure. And so do you. Some sort of codependency thing maybe. All this can't-be-bothered doing xyz just for yourself, start bothering, because you're sinking and you need to put the effort in now before you end up depressed.

But I can't allow the iva to fail because then we'd be bankrupt and for the sake of paying the last few months till it's gone it seems better than declaring bankruptcy.

This is madness. If you can't get credit you've nothing to lose by being bankrupt.

wise beyond her years but she judges me from that lovely 25 year old head

If this is true and not just your perception, then you do realise it's code for "had to grow up too soon" and that it's her parents fault? She's judging you because she's young and has little wisdom. In time she'll come to realise it's ok to leave a relationship with a nice person if you're unhappy in it. Have you damaged your relationship with her by being self absorbed these past years? I can see why she'd judge you for that. You're painting a miserable picture of menopause and DA and depression. Do you think she saw that side of things or only saw the part where you're happily having great sex with new partners? You've got your problems but you're the parent not her. It was on you to make most of the effort. You do come across as very passive. She's literally telling you what to do to fix it - be more proactive with life and in your relationship with her.

Do you want to change your life for the better or are you just on here to moan and get sympathy? If posters know the answer it might help them know how best to respond.

The joint debt is paid in March . It's too close to the end to pull the plug now . I do t want bankruptcy.

And I'm already on 100mg sertraline for depression. Have been for 3 years. That ships sailed .

Also there is no "we" - you'd carry on paying your IVA which you can afford, maybe he'd be bankrupt or maybe he wouldn't. It's not for you to worry about

You think I told her I had sex with other people?

And no I'm not here for sympathy.
Recently I've had some very dark thoughts on how to improve their lives. I have a very good life insurance policy, a pension and death cover / critical illness on the mortgage. Yes I may have been passive because I've not known what to do. So I've done nothing.

The debts paid up in March . I cannot go bankrupt for other reasons.

And yes I've painted a miserable picture of da depression and menopause because that's my experience of them .

What am I supposed to do ?

Ok domestic abuse is really character building, menopause is great and depression is a state of mind .

Is that ok ? Or am I able to be honest on an anonymous forum and actually say it's all quite shit ?

She knows I aren't well but no I've not told her how bad things have been because exactly the fact I'm the parent . That's not for her to worry about.

I'm sorry I just don't need judgment right now . What's done is done . Saying we're both odd because of our ages when we met doesn't help . He is only 6 years older than me . I met him at 15 yes but there wasn't a relationship the. That was anything other than friends . This was the 80s . It was t unusual then for girls to have an older
Boyfriend - and that's all he was a friend who happened to be a boy . He helped me no end back then . I was thrown out at 16 and if I hadn't had him minding my back I'd have been on the streets. He was my lifeline at that point . So I don't feel I can simply cut him off financially now . We must be able to
Come to an arrangement.

I tho k what happened was as he was so passive it forced me to become the go getter. And the more that happened the more he didn't like it and the resentment I felt that he was making me have to do it . He was happy to sit back and let me take the lead but then when I got a career he didn't agree with it was the beginning of the end . But the only reason I did that was because he forced me to because he wouldn't. It drive a wedge between us.

It sounds like he instilled confidence in you in the marriage and you flourished.

Maybe his confidence was lacking and you saw that as a lack of ambition and drive, yet maybe he felt undervalued for his empathy within the relatinship.
You clearly state he was a kind man and maybe you took him for granted thinking his support would always be there.

It must have hurt him deeply when you left, there is no getting away from that, no maatter what your reasons were but as you say whats done is done and there is no point in beating yourself up about it. You took a chance in your life for a different dynamic and that didn't pay off, it's made you appreciate the good qualities your husband had but there must have been some good times within the 5 yeaars of your ex.

We all get older and have regrets but we also have to make peace withe the decisions and choices we made. Your daughter did not have those choices, even your husband did not have those choices, you did and you cannot expect people to forgive or understand those choices, that's up to them.

What you can do if you are sorry about those actions is apologise for them, maybe you are not sorry, you appear to be making excuses why you chose to leave but regarding your daughter if you want to build bridges, I would apologise for the hurt she experienced.

She was young and still is, children very rarely understand until they have been through it themselves.
Take care and try to rest, things will improve when the debt is cleared and then you can consider divorcing, get legal advice and just try to get on an even keel with your daughter and make an effort again to see her again.

Things will calm down, I think part of it is that you are panicking with the discovery of this new woman, a loss of control., maybe that's what's needed, you gaining more control of the finances so this new woman doesn't benefit from that.

That's very true pine but trust me I have apologised again and again to both of them.
I can't say sorry any more than I have . I wrote dh a letter and posted it. I've apologised again and again and I don't know what to say anymore. It said sorry again to dd today - I've offered counselling if she thinks it might help us get everything out there . I feel absolutely terrible. I always thought of myself as a good person. I'm just getting what I deserve now .

The 5 year relationship was a car crash from start to finish. We had absolutely nothing in common. He was controlling and abusive and I just kept tying myself in knots to try and please. That resulted in a stillborn baby and a lot of abuse. He said he wouldn't fight for me and he was true to his word . He moved in very quickly, and that was another relationship I came out of with nothing.

I'm resigned to my lot now and it's ok. I'm too old now . I aren't going to meet anyone because I don't leave the house . I have everything I need really . I have my pets , and my bed . I love them both .

That should say he move ON quickly not moved in .

I've had a couple of very short term relationships since then but they didn't work .

I'm not wanting to try for anymore relationships now .

I think your daughter is not very nice and is very much suiting herself.

Is there no way he could have increased his income in the past 8 years?

I guess he chose not too.

You have been very happily used by both of them.

Your 25 year old is living rent free in a house that you pay for and doesn't give a damn what sacrifices you make to do it.

She's her fathers daughter for sure, letting someone else do the heavy lifting.

It reads as if you are going to accept this but believe me he is and was no prize.

He has done the least he can and lived on happily in a free house.

He's a piece of work.

You are far too hard on yourself.

I can see where the daughter is coming from tbh. She left for uni with an intact family, and suddenly her mother’s left her father and is starting a new family. If her father had done that no one would be saying she has no right to judge, and would be supporting her ‘siding’ with her mother.

He was controlling and abusive OP, what did this mean for the relationship with your daughter?

I get where the daughter (and husband) are coming from as well. I mean from OP’s pov she left a marriage she wasn’t totally happy with and has had a very tough time in an abusive relationship and with a still birth trauma since - BUT, from her DD point of view her mother left her (apparently) nice natured dad to take off with a more exciting (re volatile) man and then was planning to start a family with him.

What does it say to the daughter that her mother left the family to be with a guy like that? That that was her mothers preference in man over her father? And the reality is that the daughter is very likely right - if the relationship with the guy after her father wasn’t quite so bad and was just low level controlling and if the birth had of gone ok, her mother would still likely be with the controlling man and seeing her less and certainly wouldn’t be pining for plain old nice unambitious dad and the boring family life.

People saying the daughter is in the wrong need to think about it more and realise that you can have sympathy with the OP for making a (few) mistakes without tearing down the family she left as bad people (when it’s pretty clear they’re not). Often when parents choose an exciting new (abusive relationship) partner after splitting from their family they are totally wrapped up in that abusive relationship and the kids do harbour anger over that (which is fair). That the relationship the parent leaving for was bad doesn’t make the children more sympathetic to their parent but angrier as they’re thinking “you left us for that?”.

Also often when men leave they leave the lower earning wife with the house and don’t go after it because it would be very hard for her if they did. So I don’t think the ex is being such a terrible user for that - it wouldn’t be said about a woman in the same situation. However OP does need to get some financial details sorted and just leave him with the house and nothing more rather than leaving herself destitute.

@hagathachristie Despite your self blame I think you have some resentment at your family for the way your life has turned out since leaving your husband and also still some resentment from the actual marriage. In spite of people on here trying to encourage you to blame them, they really aren’t to blame and doing that certainly won’t help your relationship with daughter or ex (or younger child?). Having said that, although it is fine and perhaps fair that your ex gets the house, you shouldn’t be going beyond that to destitute yourself as self punishment.

Its highly unlikely that your daughter seeing you going after the house is going to make her think she respects you more because your respecting yourself as one poster suggested. It’s probably going to cause more estrangement.

My advice is look after yourself and your pets and perhaps in time you will get back some relationship with your daughter, even though it inevitably won’t be the same as pre divorce and abusive relationship.

@whumpthereitis

Agree with this. Especially as she’s got to have some clue as to the kind of man her mother found preferable to her father. The daughter said that if things worked out with the new family her mother wouldn’t have time for them and I’m not sure she’s totally wrong about that, especially if the man was controlling.

As much sympathy as is given and needed for those in controlling relationships - there is a a lot of understandable anger toward them from family members for choosing that and especially in this situation I find the daughters attitude understable.

indeed. It’s rarely simple. Someone can be the victim of an abusive relationship, but also behave badly in their relationship with another. If you’ve been deeply hurt by someone’s actions, them being victimized by someone else does not oblige you to forgive them, or consider them not to be accountable for their actions towards you.

if the boot was on the other foot and the OP was: “my husband and I were married for a long time. It wasn’t a passionate relationship, and he was always more ambitious than me so it felt like we had different priorities at times, but we muddled on okay until our daughter went to university and he told me he was leaving me for someone else. That relationship turned out to be very volatile and during it they lost a baby. Eventually they did split and now, when I’ve met someone else he seems to want to come back. My daughter was deeply hurt as a result of all this, and we’ve been each other’s main support. She’s advising me against having anything to do with her father”

she’d be told to listen to her loyal daughter who has her best interests at heart. She would also be encouraged to divorce, and to go for the biggest share of assets she could. The ex would also be called every type of dickhead, for cheating, leaving, and wanting to come back now he’s got no better option.

I don’t think painting the daughter in the role of villain is helpful, because she’s not. She’s got her own perspective on all of this, and her own hurt. In her eyes, her mother is living with the consequences of choosing to blow up her family. Of course she’s going to see it as her now trying to back pedal because her choices didn’t work out. And of course she’s going to resent that, and she’s going to want to protect her father (and herself) from any more pain.

Please don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you had very valid reasons for leaving your husband. It’s not selfish to want sex and an equal partner.
Can I also say that possibly, after years of being happy without him the traumatic injury, facing life alone combined with your ex finding someone else has made you feel like you made a mistake rather than you actually making a mistake.
You are still paying for him to live in the shared home, soon you might be paying for his new partner to live in it. Maybe it’s time to consider divorce and a clean break-as it is you are supporting him as a wife would and it is preventing you from moving on, as at the back of your mind you have always thought you would go back-which is wrong but now you know that ship has sailed.

Its all very well doing a reverse on this but posters are conveniently leaving out the facts that the person who chose to leave did all the rearing of the children and the financial and mental load.

I don't know many men who do that and posters who would be getting huge sympathy if their husband left under those circumstances.

The OP stayed until her child went to university, that is a long time to have stayed when lonely and unhappy.

Her daughter is 25 and needs to pay her way and not happily watch her mother in poverty while she lives rent free.

Whatever about their relationship, the OP is not under any obligation moral or otherwise to live in poverty paying for a lazy ex and her daughter.

She has health problems and can't drive.
She will need every penny she has for her future.

I wonder if his new girlfriend is aware of his financial situation- I.e. that you bear the load and you’re not in the best of health. If it was me, I couldn’t respect someone like that and I would honestly run a mile.

Your ex-DH is a piss-taker and the apple has fallen far from the tree as far as your daughter is concerned either.

They know you regret your mistake so how long are you going to pay for that mistake for exactly? Another decade? Forever?

I call it a mistake, but actually I think being with your Ex-DH must have been like a death by a 1000 swords every single day, and it still would be even now. Leopards don’t change their spots.

Don’t default on the debt, that would be very foolish for your long-term. I think you’ve got to keep going and swallow that (unfortunately).

It’s time now to try and be strong and pick yourself up.

Get a divorce and the financial side should be fair and that means even if it favours you.

Your Ex-DH has played you and leeched off you for far too long. He thinks it’s his birth right.

What you said about the tv documentary says an awful lot. I can’t imagine how upsetting that must have been for you.

STOP feeling guilty and start looking after yourself. Your future could be very bright. Who knows you might meet someone who becomes a friend/partner and values you.

You can do this. You’ve been through a lot. Little steps in the right direction.

Finally, Do NOT have him there when you get financial advice from your solicitor. It must be impartial advice. And you need to know exactly where you stand.