Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

My dd was at uni for the first year I left . She stayed over at Xmas . But after the first year of uni she decided it wasn't for her and went back to family home as that's where her boyfriend was etc .

I do drink wine most nights but I find it difficult to sleep otherwise. She seems to assume im caning it every night which I don't , but she also judges a lot of my decisions.
If I try to be honest about depression/ menopause etc she starts asking if I'm walking the dogs , why I want another pet , that if I'm not careful I'll lose my job , that I need to take up hobbies and be happy alone etc etc . It's well meant but judging.

I did start a couple of hobbies- yoga and a craft group. But the yoga is £10 a week and I do t have it .

I will take them up again when the debt is paid .

I have a great friend next door , we have lots in common, I've forced myself to cook a proper dinner tonight because I sent half round to her . She has a dd who is special needs so I often help out there but dd gets resentful I feel if I mention this . Anyway I'm making more effort - going to see her tomorrow to meet her for lunch in her break. I get the feeling I'm no longer welcome at the family home due to dh girlfriend as she is there often I'm told .

I want to see her but I do t want the Spanish Inquisition on everything from how often I'm feeding and walking the dogs to how much I'm drinking . She gets things in her head and suddenly starts asking if I'm weighing the dog food or if I'm taking them out - I'm perfectly capable of looking after my dogs and have done alone for 8 years. They fit and healthy and spoilt . I don't know it's all just a mess . One I dont want to face .

It's also a 40 min drive to see dd - sounds nothing- but right now I'm struggling to drive because of an issue with my knee and ankle (osteoarthritis) so it is actually a painful effort to get there

OP, as I've read all your comments, I've come to the conclusion that your ex doesn't sound like a lovely person. He sounds like a real arse.

I can't imagine not wanting to watch a three-part documentary on TV that my partner was in!! And leaving you at the hospital etc. He has shown a total disinterest in you as a person, and no matter how "funny" or good company he is, he's treated you as a work horse and a cash cow all of these years.

You've gone above and beyond to look after him financially, and his utter dismissal of how you'll keep a roof over your own head in your retirement is absolutely disgusting.

I understand your reluctance to push your DD further away but it sounds as if your ex has done a real number on her there. All of these years you described him as your "best friend" he's been quietly poisoning DD against you.

Children - especially while they're still young and/or immature - often fail to truly see their parents as whole people, and just view them through a selfish lens. Your DD sounds as if she has a lot of growing up yet to do. SHe's recognising the sacrifices that your ex made, but she's steadfastly refusing to acknowledge the difficulties you faced. And maybe that's because you haven't dumped everything on her like you ex seems to have done.

Maybe you did make some mistakes. We all do. And you say your DD hasn't made mistakes yet - but she has. She went to uni and realised it wasn't for her, so quit after a year. And that's fine. It's OK to recognise when something isn't working for you - and that's what you did with your marriage.

I think you need to be brutally honest with your DD and say that your ex, her father, wasn't completely innocent in the breakdown of the marriage. And that you have sacrificed a lot yourself to try and make sure he's OK. But now he's in a good position and you're not, and it's time to draw a line and move on. Point out your ex is happily with someone else, so you need to make a life for yourself too.

You're allowed to be happy.

You don't deserve to continue to punish yourself for leaving an unhappy marriage.

You don't owe your ex anything more.

Stop feeling guilty.

You're worth more than this, and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Thank you , I'm almost in tears at that kindness.

I certainly haven't dumped anything on dd . And actually I don't think dh did but she was there with him and I think she came to her own conclusions .

Everything since has compounded that . He got her nice birthday gifts - I had absolutely no money so I've had to promise to buy a kettle and toaster costing £200 when the iva is finished. Course that's not good enough because it's after the event .

I just want to hide . I just want to crawl under my duvet and pull it over my head and stay there for as long as humanly possible. I feel utterly shit and a failure. A failure in every way possible. I can't expl any of it to her because she will not get it - she's perfect and 25 . The more I try the more it sounds like excuses. So I haven't tried to explain for ages . There's no explanation she'd understand. All she sees is I split the family and hurt her dad .

I'm pathetically grateful she still sees me tbh . I think she does love me , but still blames me .

I have made some mistakes . She made a fuss of my birthday and did an amazing thing for it that I truly loved .

I didn't know was was away for hers so when I asked to come over with her card and gift she told me she was abroad for it.

I didn't know . She blames me for not checking. I do get into hermit mode and I often do t communicate with anyone for weeks . I didn't forward think . And that hurt her again . I just feel like I went from tiger mummy fighting for everything for my kids to depressed pathetic lay in bed and hide mummy . That's what I've become.

I spent every single night alone for 30 years. All the night feeds and the kids if they were ill - me . My ds had sleep issues as he's special needs and woke 5. -6 times a night . All me . Then I'd get up and go to work . I never complained but I'd ask if he could ask for a pay rise or get a night off . He wouldn't ask . So yes as the kids grew I'd sit alone night after night with a bottle of wine for company. And my pets . My waifs and strays . They filled a gap .

The documentary was the day I died inside . I was so excited for him to see what I was doing . And the total disinterest killed me . It wasn't long after that I left .

Completely agree with this.

How wonderful for your lazy work shy husband that he can buy lovely gifts for his daughter whilst you do the dirty work of paying the morgage and his debt.

How convenient that he wasn't around to share the childcare load and night wakings because he was busy doing the least he could get away with in a job.

How absolutely predictable that he doesn't give a shit if you retire into poverty as long as he keeps the home you have paid for.

At least he has been utterly consistent throughout your marriage.

For someone so easy going and kind and funny, he hasn't half come out of your marriage with a good deal.🙄

Unfortunately OP, you are allowing yourself to be guilted for no reason, but anonymous posters like myself can only advise you to cop yourself on, protect and help yourself, before it is too late.

It's not so much he was workshy or lazy - he worked like a dog but his employer took full advantage of that and the fact he was too mild mannered to ask for fair pay for the workload and hours .

It was the one thing we ever argued about .

I think I've just strained dd and I relationship further .

I had an a lot today in her vicinity so had arranged to meet her for her 45 min munch break- but then my appt got cancelled last minute.

I'm struggling to drive at present and if I do I suffer for it for a few days after so I messaged her as soon as my appt was cancelled to tell her and ask if we could make it one evening instead so we weren't under pressure if time - explained I pay in pain and swelling if I drive so want to make it worthwhile .

She's basically dismissed me . Said she just wants to go home after work as she's tired .

I said maybe we could meet for tea out my treat .

No .

She's clearly angry I didn't drive through regardless to see her for 45 mins despite my appt being cancelled.

I've tried and tried - asked if she had absolutely any evening free where we could spend more than 45 mins together and go for tea or something.

Answer is no .

I've asked if she thinks we'd see more of each other if I moved to the town she's buying a house in.

Answer is no - she says she has her own life now with a full time job and a social life. She says maybe if I'd done it 8 years ago maybe but not now .

My problem has always been I worked and hours drive from where we used to live and I'd moved closer to work - so was about half way between work and her .
It feels like no matter what I do now it's never going to be good enough.
If I moved again to be near her I'd be an hour from work - I can't drive that because until I can get an automatic car I can't use my left leg properly.

I can't put any of this right . She won't let me .

I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up .
That would be my ideal solution to everything.

They would get a lot of money and I would be free from the constant nagging pain , tiredness and heartache . I'm never going to be able to fix this . My actions have caused this and that's that . I can't make it better. Knowing that is excruciating. There is absolutely nothing to look forward to in my future . I'm absolutely at peace with that as well which is weird because it's total acceptance. I know the answers to my questions before I ask them . I am never going to be able to right these wrongs .

I'm not suicidal. I just wish date would sort this for me and take me out .

Being rejected by your DC is a very special type of pain that's difficult to get over, especially when you have spent a lot of your life making sacrifices for them.

Have you thought about writing your DD an email that she can read over and contemplate? Gives you time to really construct what you want to say. Acknowledge that you haven't always gotten things right, or you've failed to plan ahead, but your love for her has never wavered. And that your relationship with her dad is more complicated than perhaps she is aware of, and that there are two sides to the story but you've only ever wanted him to be happy - and you've gone way beyond what you were obliged to do to try and make sure he's always been OK.

Don't badmouth the ex, because that never reflects well. But a strong indication that you're not the person to blame, and that your marriage wasn't a healthy one would be fair and appropriate.

You can say that you regret the fact that your arthritis makes it difficult to drive, and that if you could change things you would. You love seeing her happy and leading her life, but you'll always be right there for her if she ever needs you.

I would also say that some things will need to change because at the moment, there's an unequal financial load on you which is leaving your ex with lots of surplus cash and you with nothing. Say that this is forcing your hand to make some changes, but now that your ex is settled, it's time for you to make the clean break that you both deserve.

^^That's what I would do.

My brother is very low contact, practically NC with my mum. My mum can be difficult, and I do actually understand my brother's decision, even though I think it's probably a bit harsh. My mum failed to reach out to my brother when he was pulling away. She never tried to mend bridges, or say the things that needed to be said. She just tried to carry on without addressing the elephant in the room, and my brother pulled further and further away until he dropped all contact. And now there's no way of saying those things and even if there were, it's too late.

Having seen what happened with my mum and the emotional pain it caused her, I've always vowed that if things started to fall apart with my DC, I wouldn't wait. I would reach out, with love and honesty. You don't need to make excuses but I think an honest account of where things are at might be useful to set out. She loves you but she is just too immature to understand a different perspective, especially if your ex is still whispering in her ear.

Please, please stop beating yourself up for this. It sounds like leaving your marriage was an entirely reasonable thing to do - get through this part of your life, and you'll find there are lots of reasons to be happy, and joys yet to be discovered. It might not feel like it right now, but you are so much more than this. Sending love.