Separation regret

[hagathachristie]

Name changed for this one

I met my dh when I was just 15 , I had a horrible abusive childhood and he was my best friend and my rock and anchor. He is very kind , gentle and patient.

We have 2 children now adults.

8 years ago I left him . The kids left for uni and it was just us . While we got along really well , I felt he was more like a best friend or even family member and sex and intimacy had always been an issue . We still had sex but it was awkward and embarrassing, and he often had ED issues . I couldn't kiss him , it just felt wrong .

After I left I had a a relationship where the sexual attraction was off the scale but we were not compatible in any other way . It became toxic and after 5 years I left .

I've lived alone now for 3 years. I've tried on line dating , had one other very short relationship again where the sex was great .

Last year dh and I went out for a meal , and he made a move on me , but I couldn't reciprocate. We decided to stay friends .

But whenever I see him , I just regret so much leaving. He came to visit me today with my dd. She is buying her first house with her partner . I pine for family life again. I stayed there when my ltr broke and it was just like old times. We laughed, we have so much in common, I've basically grown up with him and he's always been there . He had become a bit stuck in his ways , wouldn't exercise with me , was t really taking care of himself, but he's doing more for himself now . I was always the "doer" in the relationship and he relied on me in that way- which I think over many years I got a bit resentful of. Now he is more independent.

I asked the other month if she wanted to go out for a meal and he told me he can't as he is now seeing someone. I think it's just companionship, from what my dd and sister tell me but don't pry .

My dog went crazy when he saw dh and dd and it's obvious he misses them too.

If we had reconciled our life would have been comfortable now after years of financial hardship. I'm the main wage earner. We are almost debt free. We could have had the things we could never afford before, new car , nice holidays. Instead we both just get by alone .

Should I say something to him ? If I could (and there is no guarantee) go back now would it be a mistake?

I've always had the feeling that we could reconcile but now I aren't so sure . Obviously if he is seeing this other lady romantically I wouldn't interfere.

Do I just bite my lip and wait for these feelings to go away or should I say something?

He and dd are coming for dinner one night this week. I don't know whether to message him or just leave it as it is . I just miss them so much .

You say you don't care, that you've accepted this is your life now, but I'm not sure that's true. You're posting here, which means it doesn't feel right and you want something to change.

You can do this. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and every chance of that being a happy life. There are some things you can do today to start making the necessary changes. You can start taking care of yourself. Eat healthily, get quality sleep, exercise, don't allow yourself to spend all day in bed, don't allow yourself to take up smoking again. These actions alone can start today and will make you feel more energetic and better about yourself.

Can you start walking, join a group? Get in touch with an old friend? Start volunteering? So your life doesn't just revolve around work.

And definitely see a lawyer. Your husband is taking the p*ss out of you financially. financial settlements when marriages end are not based on 'guilt'. The law doesn't see it that way. And even if your guilt meant you wanted to make his life a bit easier financially, it was along time ago and surely that time has passed? He is an adult who can look after himself financially. @billy1966 advice was spot on.

Write a letter to him, telling us more or less what you have told us…lay your heart on the line as one last ditch attempt to reunite…

then begin to talk about you having to gain half the equity of the house and all the other financial stuff…having to instruct a Solicitor, etc…

everything may change once push comes to shove…we don’t know if he has definitely moved on, it’s just presumptions…?

I’ll write more but just have to say DD hasn’t been in your skin and has no right to judge you, however she is judging you partly because you’ve felt guilty so she got her clues from you! Once you feel your life isn’t any less precious than DD’s she might well change, also it doesn’t benefit any human being to see their mother sick, lonely and miserable, it’s better for anyone to have happy parents. You deserve happiness no less than your DH and why are you paying his debts off? 😖 that’s obviously part of the thinking of trying to buy your way out of feeling guilty. That won’t work and he isn’t even gonna be grateful- though he probably will be pissed off once you stop paying, but it’s not your problem. What would have happened if you stopped paying the mortgage for the house you haven’t lived in for 6 years?

I e had a message from dd - we were supposed to be going out today but she cancelled.

She says from 17-25 she has seen me infrequently and feels like I don't know who she is anymore.

Yet when I try and arrange anything she cancels or if I ask if she's free for a call she's busy .

She said she wanted me to make the effort. I've tried to explain that guilt has made me retreat, that I'm depressed menopausal and do t know what to do to fix it .

She's given really sensible advice (to me which feels like a role reversal) that I have to get out of my rut , take up a hobby , learn to be happy by myself etc etc which is all true but feels impossible.

She thinks if any of my relationships had worked out I wonder have bothered with her .

I spent my 20s and 30s doing nothing but living for the kids . I do t even know how to respond . I've asked if she would like us to go to counselling. She said I have to stop looking back and move forward but at the same time she tells me how fab her dad has been and that she's watched him struggle because of me . I don't know how to mend this . And I want to - I have no relationship at all with my mother and that's the last thing I want with her . Yet I know if I press for anything that would be the nail in the coffin . I'm just paralysed. She's 25 and has never ever put a foot wrong , never made a mistake , is wise beyond her years but she judges me from that lovely 25 year old head .
I made one mistake (in her eyes ) in my life and it feels like she needs to me work harder at making that up to her . I just do t know what to do .

Di you think your daughter could be using your need for a relationship to punish you for hurting her dad?

I can understand him being hurt and angry but it sounds as if he's moved on but she hasn't.

Time for you to start putting it behind you and sorting out your separation legally.

Could be .

She had just gone to university when I left . She did the first year then decided it wasn't for her and went back home - to dad and the family home . I know this hurt her but at the time I was so wrapped up in my own crisis I didn't see it .

The thing is if I'm now beginng to sort out the financial stuff she will resent me more because she will view that as me making waves for her father . The mortgage is paid off in 5 years . And I really do not want him to have the upheaval of moving. Because of the iva we are both credit blacklisted so buying me out isn't an option. It's all just a mess . We're both to old to get another mortgage. It feels like either I have to lose out to save
Y relationship with dd or force the issue and her and him hate me .

Unless something like equity release would be an option so I could take my share . I don't know . He will kick off initially what ever . She'll side with him .

Welll she's not exactly the loving daughter just now is she.

You can't make her like you.

Could the house not be sold, is there not enough equity to buy two smaller places ?

Forgive me if I've missed that.

The house is probably only worth about £150k . So it wouldn't buy 2 others .

So you are currently renting and paying the full mortgage on the £150k house ?

It does sound like she is shielding him somewhat from you getting close to him again.

No I'm not paying the full mortgage but my rent is more than the full mortgage then I have bills on top and I'm paying my IVA and the majority of his .
The iva finishes in March though . 6 years I've paid both. But it's almost gone and we will then both be debt free .

I've started so I'll finish . But then I've told him we need to get advice . I have been taken for granted but that's my fault - I've allowed that so the money I give him has become the norm . But I had to move house this year and my rent is now a lot more than it was when I began that arrangement.

Dd answer is to stop spending money on things she thinks I don't need like wine and my pets .
But wine and pets are all I have . They are my crutches and my company.
She's always been sensible but I aren't . I have always adopted animals that cross my path and need homes . She's a lot harder than me , or maybe just more sensible.

Right now I never have anything left at the end of the month , I haven't had my hair done in a year and I live in Aldi. No treats . No facials or beauty treatments. I do t think there is anything else I could give up . But if I can manage till March dh iva is finished then mine ends a little after . I'll be a lot better off financially so I might be able to take up yoga again and take a bit more care of my appearance. At the moment I look like trailer trash . My hair is grey brown and blonde and not in a good way ! Maybe when I can start feeling groomed again I'll feel better.

Basically he couldn't afford the iva so they have me down as paying him "maintenance " for our dd - but they know she's 25 . So they know it's not maintenance. It's just a way of getting around me paying both the iva and some of the mortgage because he can't afford it . The fact that I can't either anymore has somehow been glossed over . But I can't allow the iva to fail because then we'd be bankrupt and for the sake of paying the last few months till it's gone it seems better than declaring bankruptcy. So I'll keep going till March . Then I'll use the money I'm saving to first get a hair cut , then a solicitor.

What would your ideal situation be to move back in and pay the debts off early and the mortgage.

Does your partner claim towards his share of the morgage, would you moving back alter this?
Has your daughter contributed to the living expenses with your father, you say she will be moving out soon to her own home.

Maybe she see's this as you trying to get back with her dad as she will not be there soon, a sort of loss of control over protecting him from you.

I think you need to separate the financial issues from the relationship with your daughter.

@hagathachristie he sounds lovely, it sounds like you still love him, I would try to make it work if it’s at all possible.

That's the issue - she's so protective of her dad I can't separate the issues because the moment I do anything that impacts him she'll know and that will impact us . He tells her . She sent a scathing message to me last time I tried to broach the finances with him . She basically said she'd had to watch him scrimp and yet he still invited me for Xmas and helped me move house etc etc . That I owed him because it was my choice to leave not his etc etc .

Obviously now he has a partner I'm doubting our relationship will be as friendly - can't see me being invited for Xmas this year . We just always remained
Friends and amicable but I've never rocked the boat . I facilitated it so his life was impacted the least possible way when I left because of my guilt at leaving.

He's made it clear that's not an option this week - he says he's happily seeing someone else and has been for 6 months and he's happy .
And yes he is lovely . But lazy . I don't mean physically lazy - but he's always let me pick up all the slack financially and with the kids . And I've carried in doing that even though we aren't together and I know that's my fault . In all honesty if he was single I'd have talked about reconciliation but it's clearly too late . And I really do love him dearly and want him to be happy - he's made it clear to me though that's not going to be with me . I think I just wanted everything to be how it was and of course it can't be . Everything I've done since leaving has been because I love him dearly and didn't want to mess things up any more . But I'm hurting myself now. I'll finish the iva and take it from there . I've desire to make him sell the house , but he can't seriously expect me to spend my pension on rent then claim benefits so he keeps our house and lives mortgage and debt free . And that's what he has suggested.

She sounds quite a strong character and whilst I understand her feelings of what she considered a huge betrayal from you she should allow you to have a friendship with her dad.

He sounds a little scared of her or maybe he's using her to manipulate you financially.

Daughters can be buggers with their fathers even when their dads are in the wrong.

It does sound like you took him for granted and felt he wasn’t ‘enough’ throughout your relationship. Now he has moved on (new relationship) and you are alone are you sure that your renewed interest in him isn’t just a mixture of envy and disliking the fact this lovely man is now interested in someone else?

Blimey what a situation. I feel for you and am sorry to lay another thing on your already overburdened soul, but: the fact that you moved out of the family home eight years ago could make things tricky if you need to sell it as part of divorce settlement, and land you with a substantial capital gains tax bill or other complications.

You need to get legal advice ASAP.

You don't want him but you don't want anybody else to have him either. This really isn't fair on your ex, OP. Leave him alone and let him build a new life.

I think the taking for granted was very much mutual. He wouldn't do anything for himself . If I'd been mugged he would have stood behind me . I resented his lack of ambition and he resented my career but was happy to reap the rewards from it . The only reason I went out and got a job that paid was because he wouldn't . He wouldn't ask for a well earned pay rise , he was in the same salary for 8 years despite working 6 nights a week and then in the 7th going in at 5am to do the bloody time sheets . I was lonely and alone every night throughout the marriage and I did tell him over and over . I think we probably both were guilty of complacency, but I wanted more from our life and he was like "ok you go sort it then " and then when I did he didn't like my job . This thread has been useful because I'm starting to remember that while it was mostly good , I probably brushed an awful lot under the carpet for harmony.

He's free to build a new life . And if the legal complications mean a massive tax bill that gets neither of us anywhere I'll leave him with the house , I'll just buy a camper van or caravan when I retire .