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Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
badheadday · 12/09/2022 12:22

20 odd years ago I knew several people including myself who were 17/18 and in relationships with men in their mid to late 20’s. I can’t see the problem. He knew he couldn’t have a relationship with a pupil so he made a choice.

Subbaxeo · 12/09/2022 12:33

I can’t see it as a big deal if it happened in his early 20s-we all change and obviously if he wouldn’t do the same now and regrets it why punish him? He’s probably paid the price in giving up his job and reflecting on it. For me, I wouldn’t judge someone for mistakes they made 20 years ago and regret now-unless it was truly awful such as abuse of children.

georgarina · 12/09/2022 12:40

20 odd years ago I knew several people including myself who were 17/18 and in relationships with men in their mid to late 20’s. I can’t see the problem. He knew he couldn’t have a relationship with a pupil so he made a choice.

He never went back to teaching and they didn't have a relationship after. Doesn't sound like he was the one who made the choice to leave.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/09/2022 12:41

It really depends. When I was at secondary school a couple of male teachers (both in bands) were well known for having affairs with/shagging 5th/6th formers and they hardly kept it quiet either. These girls might have been 15/16 so age of consent could've been in place but it was an abuse of power. Happened in early 1980s. These men were definitely in their 30s/40s.

Then a singing master (not through school thank god!) got a girl from my private convent school pregnant when she was 15/16, 5th form, she had to leave and had the baby. No idea about age of the man but I understand they split up.

I had older boyfriends when I was younger (and met them) - the slight difference there is that they weren't my teachers. There was a lab technician in the girls school who I had lessons with (I fell out with the CDT teacher) and one of my best friends (very pretty etc) used to come and try to flirt with him but he was having none of it.

I do think as another PP has said, abuse of power and his judgment was skewed back then but personally years have passed so it should be fine. It'd be interesting to hear the perspective of the girl involved however, if she felt taken advantage of and if there was more to the story than he's letting on.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/09/2022 12:44

badheadday · 12/09/2022 12:22

20 odd years ago I knew several people including myself who were 17/18 and in relationships with men in their mid to late 20’s. I can’t see the problem. He knew he couldn’t have a relationship with a pupil so he made a choice.

Can't you read? In OP's OP she says he left teaching to pursue this relationship. Yes, he was much younger, times were different back then etc.

But I know (friend's DM who taught at secondary school where this happened) that this was frowned upon and the two male teachers that I knew this happened with, I was disgusted by it, they preyed upon younger girls and they definitely knew it was wrong but enjoyed the power play. Nasty scummy men.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/09/2022 12:45

badheadday · 12/09/2022 12:22

20 odd years ago I knew several people including myself who were 17/18 and in relationships with men in their mid to late 20’s. I can’t see the problem. He knew he couldn’t have a relationship with a pupil so he made a choice.

Totally different if they were in relationships with men where the men didn't work with them or where the men were supposed to be e.g. teaching them. Pastoral care etc.

Asthebellcurves · 12/09/2022 12:46

I have name changed, but I think it’s important you hear from someone in the girl’s position. I had a relationship with my sixth form teacher. I was extremely vulnerable as I’d moved schools following being raped. It felt consensual and mature, until he raped me too. It was socially and legally unacceptable at the time (a later time period than your partner), and was kept secret. Naturally, people suspected, but that created even greater pressure to keep it a secret.

That meant when he started to abuse me, he knew I had nowhere to turn. I imagine the story he tells now is similar to the one you were told, but my story is two years of absolutely harrowing and painful experiences that didn’t allow me to heal from the initial trauma that I moved School to get away from. I’m now a professor, and would never, ever act inappropriately toward a student. It is a boundary that must never be crossed, and the fact he did is horrifying. For normal people, there is no desire to break that rule. He shouldn’t be in the profession, and quite frankly, he should be prosecuted. There is a vast power imbalance that he took advantage of.

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 12:47

We all have our personal opinions - I personally do not think it is a an issue. I think he was sensible. There was not such an age gap between both of them either - it was just the surrounding circumstances.

Benefi · 12/09/2022 12:51

I agree that it's worth knowing more.

I was at sixth form aged 17 in 1997 and my boyfriend was a graduate in his early 20s. We split up in 2000. I don't look back on it with any concern or regret. I certainly hope it hasn't caused him any issues in his life.

silkygold · 12/09/2022 12:51

An teacher of mine, when newly qualified started a relationship with a 6th former. They were given the choice, either she leave or he leave. She left, then after having kids pursued a teaching career. He worked there till he retired. They are grandparents now.

Softplayhooray · 12/09/2022 12:52

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 07:35

He does feel remorse about it. He says now he doesn’t know what he was thinking. He absolutely does not feel that he was the wronged party in any sense.

I'd say this is no issue. He was young, she was young, he realised the imbalance of power , professionalism etc was an issue so left the role which was a good course of action. I don't actually know why he told you though, it was so long ago.

Also back in the day I remember a 45 yr old head of dept dating 18yr old Freshers at our uni, and a 30 something lecturer at our FE college dating a 16 year old. Both bloody hideous but not illegal. If he was either of those guys then bleugh, but he sounds like a different kind of person to them.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 12:53

badheadday · 12/09/2022 12:22

20 odd years ago I knew several people including myself who were 17/18 and in relationships with men in their mid to late 20’s. I can’t see the problem. He knew he couldn’t have a relationship with a pupil so he made a choice.

You'd honestly be happy if your 17 year old son or daughter started dating their teacher?

You would genuinely say you 'can't see a problem with it' if it was your own child who was the sixth former in question?

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 12:54

@Asthebellcurves

I'm so sorry for everything you went through Flowers

Treacletoots · 12/09/2022 12:58

Back in the 90s I dated a 20 year old when I was 16, and a young looking 16 at that.

He was controlling, abusive and incredibly toxic. I tried to escape the relationship several times but he always manipulated me.back in, plus I had no parental support either. (Thanks for that mother..)

It finally ended when the police burst in one day and arrested him for downloading indecent images, and later he was prosecuted. I was so brainwashed by him it was an utter shock.

Two years on, he started dating a 16 year old again, by now aged about 30. Clearly, some men have a type. Some are inappropriate, some are illegal. I'd have serious red flags with this one.

Aus84 · 12/09/2022 13:00

NiceTwin · 12/09/2022 06:58

It wasn't uncommon back in the day.
I worked with two men, at a school, who had 16 years between them and their spouse's. They both met them when the girls were in 6th form, one of the wives worked at the school too.

Back in the day??
I was in high school 20 years ago, definitely not common. Also, now I feel old, ‘back in the day’ is something my grandparents say 😩

badheadday · 12/09/2022 13:08

I’m pretty sure as a parent you’d be worried about your child dating an older man whatever their profession. This isn’t about the parents

SummerBummers · 12/09/2022 13:11

I was a sixth former 20 years ago. My form tutor got sacked for sleeping with a classmate. It was in the front page of The Sun (slow news day…).

It felt gross then and still does now.

purfectpuss · 12/09/2022 13:12

I don't think it is uncommon for an 18 year old woman to have a relationship with a man in his early twenties.

I couldn't get too fussed about it.

badheadday · 12/09/2022 13:13

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/09/2022 12:44

Can't you read? In OP's OP she says he left teaching to pursue this relationship. Yes, he was much younger, times were different back then etc.

But I know (friend's DM who taught at secondary school where this happened) that this was frowned upon and the two male teachers that I knew this happened with, I was disgusted by it, they preyed upon younger girls and they definitely knew it was wrong but enjoyed the power play. Nasty scummy men.

Show quote history

If OP’s boyfriend is telling the truth then the teachers you’re talking about sound completely different. He chose to leave his job for a girl he wanted to have a relationship with. He wasn’t preying on lots of girls.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 12/09/2022 13:16

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me and I'm generally fairly relaxed on people's past.

Either he's a sexual predator or as dumb as a box of rocks.

As a teacher you are absolutely made aware of abuse of power and the vulnerability of children. He knew it was wrong.

He also chose (that is if it really was his choice) to abandon a career over a 17 year old. Complete stupidity and immaturity.

To everyone saying the moral code is different not - it's not. It's wrong now and was wrong then too. If it was your daughter he was with, I'm sure a lot of you would view it differently.

There was to be better options. Bin this one.

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 13:17

I'm amazed at how many people aren't fussed about. It's utterly disgusting. He's no better than a pedophile imo.

Rosiestraws · 12/09/2022 13:18

I have to say, I think a lot of people are thinking "20 years ago" is a lot longer ago that it was! That's only 2002! I was in education then and it would have been totally shocking if this had happened. However a older male relative who had been teaching for years before told me he used to date 6th formers when he was a teacher in his 20s when it was more acceptable - and that was (per the song...!) in the 80s. By the 90s and 2000s we definitely had already started to understand that this could be an abuse of power, and attitudes had definitely changed.

I think we have the tendency, if you're any age from 30s upwards to always think "20 years ago" is still the 80s or something! Nope, in 2002 or around then it would have been fully shocking and not acceptable - as it would now.

LongLivedQueen · 12/09/2022 13:20

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 12:47

We all have our personal opinions - I personally do not think it is a an issue. I think he was sensible. There was not such an age gap between both of them either - it was just the surrounding circumstances.

Yes, you can have all the disgusting opinions that you like, and you can tell us how teachers fucking school kids is just fine.

Fortunately for said school kids, it's illegal.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 13:20

purfectpuss · 12/09/2022 13:12

I don't think it is uncommon for an 18 year old woman to have a relationship with a man in his early twenties.

I couldn't get too fussed about it.

This was a 17 year old girl.

And he was her teacher.

So not an 18 year old dating a random bloke in his 20s.

It's a completely different dynamic.

I've asked a few times and I don't think anyone on the thread who says they are fine with this seems willing to say that they'd be happy with their own 17 year old son or daughter dating their teacher...

LongLivedQueen · 12/09/2022 13:22

I've a question for the "this is fine, nothing to see here" people....

If a mid 20s teacher is fine with a 16/17 year old school kid, where is the line? What's not ok?
If 16 is fine, is 15? Is 14? If mid 20's is fine, is mid 30's? mid 40's?

If its a 45 year old teacher fucking a 14 year old kid, is that ok?