Boyfriend told me something bad

[In2minds88]

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

Complete rubbish, of course they have power. They are the teacher, they can affect your marks, they can give you detention, they can make a complaint about you that could get you suspended/expelled, they have LOTS of power over a student.

"bleating" on about child protection? Maybe you should try some bleating. First year of 6th form is SIXTEEN years old. Cop yourself on

Why then has it been a crime for a teacher to have a sexual relationship with a student who is over the age of consent since 2003?

@LongLivedQueen

What 6th form did you attend

Detentions aren't a thing at 6th form, neither is teachers being the ones to decide your grades

I personally would think "he gave up his career to shag a 17yo" - it would make me think less of him and probably give me the ick.

He's done nothing legally "wrong" etc so it just depends on what your personal viewpoint is and how it makes YOU feel OP.

@sponsabillaries

'The law' is a blunt tool and is often broken up with grey areas

For example the laws around underage sex, you don't see 15 year olds arrested for having consensual sex with other 15 year olds these days because although the law is the same, common sense prevails and therefore the CPS have even put out guidance around this issue.

There are 'levels' of power

It's silly to think a single piece of legislation can cover all possibilities, that's why it's up to the CPS to decide on these finer details.

I can almost guarantee you if someone called the police about a 23 year old teacher sleeping with their 17 year old pupil who was fully consenting nothing would be done other than the teacher losing their job.

Many post-16 courses still have internal assessment - most BTECs, some A levels for example. There is external moderation but the teacher’s input is significant.

Teachers provide the predicted grades that form the basis of university applications and write UCAS references.

Im not particularly fussed by this to be honest. I was at 6th form in the late 90s and it was very different to how it is now. We used to meet up socially with the graduate teachers at the pub etc from when I joined at 16 and my parents weren't concerned either. Most of the teachers were early - mid 20's and no-one saw anything wrong with it at the time.

My first boyfriend when I was 17 was 22 - no big deal and I was much more mature than he was too (he would agree!). However, my kids are now late teens themselves and when they heard about my first boyfriend they think I was groomed! That is how strong their outrage is - my and my husband (not who I was dating at 17) think its hilarious as it shows just how much things have changed from when I was their age. It was very much a consensual relationship that lasted nearly 3 years.

By the way, I met my 1st BF in a nightclub at 17 as my fake ID was very good!! Its just very different to how things are now and I don't think you should judge todays standards with what they were 20 years ago when I was at 6th form too.

It really wouldn't bother me but Id think he was very honest in telling me and wouldn't hold it against him.

You're wrong.

I wouldn’t be believing his version for a moment without a good and thorough googling and ideally asking around someone who may have known the situation (not him or his family obviously).

I would have questions like - did he break the law? Was he tried and convicted for something? Did the girl experience lasting harm? What’s wrong with him to not realise that it’s a red line you don’t cross to form a relationship with children you teach? Has he grown out of his proclivities? What other rules does he not respect regarding child protection or indeed anything else?

to PP I’m sure lots of teachers were shagging children in the early 2000s. But no it wasn’t allowed and yes it was gross. Everyone knew it was.

(I do sometimes suspect private schools are even worse for this since they have their own rule book)

It was only 20 years ago. There were terms like predatory an grooming. It was disgusting then and its disgusting now. I was working with teenage girls 20 years ago, I was early 20s myself, one of them had a pedophile teacher she was 'seeing' I was disgusted then. If you like young girls being a teacher isn't the profession for you, unless of course that's your foot in the door...

I was 17 20yrs ago and a couple of my friends had older boyfriends. Always very odd men (why couldn’t they meet women their own age?) & it felt gross to me at the time and even more now.

Why couldn't the 17 year olds meet someone their own age?

I think I would question why he has told you. What is he worried you might find out... I'd also think men usually minimise the truth. So I would be googling him and looking at news papers from that date in the local area. Get the facts first then you truely know what you are dealing with. Personally for me it gives me the ick regardless of age of the student or him as he was being paid to teach them, not to strike up sexual relationships...at the very least it is unprofessional and shows a massive lack of judgment and a propensity to prioritize his dick over rational thought. To me that is quite a character flaw whatever the age and sets of alarm bells ringing and thinking I can do better. But you should find out the facts first and then decide what YOU want and if that is something that bothers YOU, because at the end of the day no one else's opinion matters, it's your relationship. Good luck!

We did smoke weed with teachers/tutors/support staff and drank with them too. Pretty sure this wouldn’t be allowed now? It was mainly male teaching staff

Pretty sure it wasn’t “allowed” then either - no school is going to condone teachers taking drugs with pupils

They can't meet women their own age because they'd suss out that they are losers far quicker than a stary eyed teenager.

Presumably he chose to leave teaching and wasn't thrown out. Sounds like nothing untoward happened.So what's the problem, he did the right thing . I worked in a school where there were 3 teachers all married to ex pupils . Relationships stared once the pupils left school.

Oh come on. The dynamic and balance of power is completely off.

From my experience the men had little friends or ambition and preferred to hang around with 17 year old girls.

And they are girls at 17.

I find this sort of thing [teacher-pupil 'romances'] very unpleasant, but the fact that it was 20 years ago is hugely significant. I wouldn't consider someone who'd [say] been to prison 20 years ago for committing a violent crime and who was now a reformed character to be 'out of bounds' for dating.

@Readaboutyourself

Nope, if the older men are being judged for not being able to find someone their own age why not the teens

Why couldn't they find someone their own age, what's wrong with them that the only people they attract are seedy old men?

Could it be they didn't want to, just like the older men didn't want to have sex or date an older woman

Best sex I ever had was with older men, I specifically targeted them when out until I was 22/23 because young men were absolutely shite in bed

I'd never date anyone my age, it's very common for women to date older, especially as the maturity difference is seemingly stark between women and men in their late teens and early 20's.

We don’t agree. They are girls, they are men.

Whilst what he did was wrong, he is remorseful and knows that now. He was honest with you early on. I don't think you could ask for any more - but you need to have made your peace with it for the relationship to work.

Blaming children for being groomed by teachers.

You are truly vile.

It’s usually that for teens dating an older man has a caché - the man thinks you’re so beautiful and grown up etc. Only really weird men in the 21st century would be cheering on their mid twenties friend for dating a 17 year old they teach. Also the older person (regardless of their sex) has obviously got a lot more knowledge of how relationships work, is more likely to have had serious relationships before etc - so they’re more “clued up” on the potential legal/social/emotional pitfalls of that big age gap relationship.

honestly @pickledpotato your own sexual preference for older men doesn’t mean it’s ok for teachers to date their students

I’m actually amazed to find so many MNers (mostly female and largely parents) are forgiving of the idea of a mid 20s teacher dating a 17 year old pupil. Would everyone be as cool if this was happening in their kids school now?

I think if he is telling you this there is more to the tale that what he has said.