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Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 13:25

You have sleazy teacher at school OP? Remember him? The one that was a bit “off” and over friendly with the pretty ones?

well… that’s your boyfriend

shudder

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 13:27

So he’s now in his mid/late forties.

children?

do you have children?

Kerzehmet · 12/09/2022 13:29

I'm trying to think about this from my 17 year old self's perspective. I seem to remember that teachers were safe adults but not 'real people', like your parents or friend's parents, in as much as you could fancy your pe teacher in the full knowledge that nothing would ever happen. Like a practice person. So the idea of that teacher then becoming a 'real' person who would want a sexual relationship with you must be very frightening and a real headfuck.

As an adult (and parent) the idea of a person in a position of trust pursuing a child (in the eyes of the law) is repulsive.

I'm also an ex child protection police officer and I can tell you the police would certainly take anything like that very seriously.

JanetheObscure · 12/09/2022 13:34

There are a couple of important points which OP doesn't mention.

Firstly, his resignation can only have been prompted by very strong feelings for the student and the expectation that the relationship was "worth" the sacrifice of his relatively new career. That strongly suggests that there was something between them whilst he was still teaching.

Secondly, teachers have set notice periods (it's half a term now and may well have been the same then). Did he have nothing at all to do with the student during that half a term?

It's not quite as simple as: "He resigned so it doesn't matter."

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 13:37

JanetheObscure · 12/09/2022 13:34

There are a couple of important points which OP doesn't mention.

Firstly, his resignation can only have been prompted by very strong feelings for the student and the expectation that the relationship was "worth" the sacrifice of his relatively new career. That strongly suggests that there was something between them whilst he was still teaching.

Secondly, teachers have set notice periods (it's half a term now and may well have been the same then). Did he have nothing at all to do with the student during that half a term?

It's not quite as simple as: "He resigned so it doesn't matter."

He quite obviously got sacked because if he didn't surely he'd go back into teaching when the relationship ended, after all he did train to be a teacher. He probably can't because he won't pass the CRB!

ClareBlue · 12/09/2022 13:41

How many completely above board relationships you had 20 years ago do you have to warn your new partner that it might be an issue down the road.
If it was as he says then why would anyone be talking about it 20 years later.

Motnight · 12/09/2022 13:45

I am shocked that so many posters think that it is ok for a teacher to have sex with their pupils. Bloody hell.

forgotoldusername · 12/09/2022 13:50

@Motnight I am shocked too. 20 years ago we already knew right from wrong, we knew that teenage brains are not fully developed and all that.

I hope OP sees the light (many of us wouldn't have needed to ask on mumsnet but that's another matter) and drops this immoral man

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 14:26

I personally, think this has been taken out of proportion.
A generation thing - times have changed, and due to that I understand and agree that it is no longer acceptable tp go around kissing little people anymore, and it is sensible
to discourage your little ones to accept kisses.
However, I truly believe that this elderly man was just being innocently kind, and very hurt by the reaction that was retorted.
However, I understand the fear that has been instilled in parents today, and rightly so.
I do however, believe your reaction was rather disparaging.

chocaholic73 · 12/09/2022 14:31

LongLivedQueen · 12/09/2022 10:17

How can anyone not see the problem? How can you possibly think that its ok for teachers, in a position of power, to fuck children in their care, even if those children are 16 or over?
In short, what is actually wrong with you? And do you ever have contact with children?

Show quote history

Do you have to be so rude? There is nothing wrong with me. I have children (now adults) and have worked in volunteer roles with children in the past. The girl could have been 18 (we don't actually know). If not, not far off it. It's a fair assumption, that the man was probably early twenties at the time, not long out of college. He was not just having sex with her, he was in a relationship with the girl. It sounds as if, when he got into a relationship with her, he did the decent thing and left his role at the school.

homarrrer · 12/09/2022 14:32

Have you tried googling his name to see if anything comes up?

Only asking because I don't know why he would bother telling you unless there was a chance you were going to find out.

Perhaps he was forced to leave teaching due to this?

Sorry if I'm completely on the wrong track but he could have just never mentioned it.

homarrrer · 12/09/2022 14:33

Oh just realised it was 20 years ago!

Ignore me!

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 14:34

Message error - wrong thread.

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 14:38

Would it be possible for some members not to use swearing words - polite request. Thank you.

maddy68 · 12/09/2022 14:41

It wouldn't bother me on this incidence alone as a young foolish man and he has been honest with you

Potentially he could have been just a couple of years older than her and it was pretty common then (not that it's ok!)

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 14:43

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 14:38

Would it be possible for some members not to use swearing words - polite request. Thank you.

This is thread policing I'm afraid.

Swearing at people in personal attacks breaks talk guidelines and can be reported and then deleted by MNHQ but otherwise, people can use whatever language they want.

Rightly so IMO!

potniatheron · 12/09/2022 14:56

I don't understand why people are saying 'but it was 20 years ago' as if that makes it ok.

I was in high school 30 years ago and even then there were strict guidelines and taboos around male teachers interacting with female pupils. Had to leave classroom door open if they had to have a 1-on-1 chat for whatever reason. Other guidelines.

The '20 years ago it was different' excuse is bullcrap, people knew about safeguarding back then. Some people on this thread sound like those hoary scuzzy dinosaurs who try to excuse those who covered for Jimmy Saville by saying 'well it was the 70s it was a different time'!

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 15:11

maddy68 · 12/09/2022 14:41

It wouldn't bother me on this incidence alone as a young foolish man and he has been honest with you

Potentially he could have been just a couple of years older than her and it was pretty common then (not that it's ok!)

It wasn't common, it wasn't the 60s, it was 2002.

belimoo · 12/09/2022 15:12

@ClareBlue They resigned to continue the relationships. It was a small countryside location. One of the students went to a city for university and got a flat there with the teacher who moved jobs to teach at a school in the same city. They stayed together for several years before breaking up.

The other student was taking a gap year and the teacher went with him to Australia. I don't know how long they stayed together.

I'm not sure which other members of staff knew about it but it certainly didn't turn into a big scandal. Maybe the school management never found out.

belimoo · 12/09/2022 15:13

@sponsabillaries I've explained in my last post. Promise I'm not making this up! I'm not saying we didn't think it was unusual or that the school knew and were fine about it. Just that nobody got fired and both relationships continued beyond school.

Aprilx · 12/09/2022 15:33

Deux · 12/09/2022 07:48

If people were saying, oh well things were different 40 years ago I’d kind of understand. Around the year 2000 everyone knew this was wrong. So I disagree with the 20 years ago things were different line.

He would have known full well that this was a huge abuse of power at the time it happened. It shows his judgement was skewed at the time.

I am not even sure about that, I was in the sixth form 36 years ago and dating the teacher was definitely not deemed acceptable. I am absolutely by posters saying this was normal.

Doubleraspberry · 12/09/2022 16:00

I just checked the date that Grange Hill had a storyline about a teacher resigning because of an inappropriate relationship with a pupil. 1986.

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 16:29

The only reason he’s told the op is because he knows that his past has caught up with him and I reckon he knows that the girl in question is pursuing the matter further

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:36

Still no answer to this from anyone...

I've asked a few times and I don't think anyone on the thread who says they are fine with this seems willing to say that they'd be happy with their own 17 year old son or daughter dating their teacher...

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 16:37

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:36

Still no answer to this from anyone...

I've asked a few times and I don't think anyone on the thread who says they are fine with this seems willing to say that they'd be happy with their own 17 year old son or daughter dating their teacher...

Silence speaks volumes