Dating - what is reckless?

[Shuggz]

Hi all,
Apologies if this sounds silly, just wanting to get some objective opinions.
I am currently dating and met up with a fella at the weekend. I did stay over in his place and had shared with a friend where I'd be, his phone number etc just in case and I also told her I'd check in at some stage during the night.
I told my sister about it this afternoon because I was a bit unsure of things and she went mental and told me that I had been incredibly foolish to go over to his like this. I was a bit shocked because I didn't think I had been very foolish, and while I know that there is always a risk I thought I had taken precautions just in case.
Since I haven't been back in the dating scene for a while...did I really did something really stupid or is my sister just over the top? Are there other things that should really be done and considered?
Thanks!

Echo chamber is not a put down. I have often considered myself to live in an echo chamber and taken the time and effort to see how others live and dig into my own beliefs deeper. If you think it is, that means you think your way is the only way.

I'm not on MN posting for relationship advice. I use it for other topics, but enjoy supporting women on the board who struggle with relationship woes particularly if it means fighting what I consider patriarchal brainwashing. This one came up on Active. HTH

@ganvough funny but one of my exes did tell me that the reason he was crazy about me was that he thought I would be hard to get (not playing the game but actually be). So yes, ask 10 of your male friends to tell you the truth and probably 8 will admit that they find an easy lay a turn off. Sorry !

@ganvough I am also a fan of your thoughtful posts.

@forgotoldusername he certainly sounds a good candidate for being an ex, with an attitude like that. Who gives a crap if a guy who is up for a shag has sexist views? I'm not his mother. As I say, if we're meeting for an actual date, I will care far more about his deep thoughts on women's rights.

I did enjoy myself and I didn’t feel disrespected or used or anything. And he also wasn’t selfish and I didn’t notice any typical “porn things” which I really dislike. I don’t know yet if this will lead to anything solid or just a bit of fun ..time will tell.
I certainly don’t see myself as the little damsel who was taken advantage of. I’m not saying I want to repeat everything we did but sure it’s about having fun and trying things together.
I might just not tell my sister next time to avoid confrontation.

You ex sounds awful! As do your male friends. Wanting someone who is 'hard to get' shows insecurity, someone who needs validation from his relationship choice that he isn't getting elsewhere. Emotionally healthy people aren't choosing partners who are a challenge, they're chasing hopes, dreams, ambitions, hobbies - not trying to win a made up competition.

My social network has most couples married off OLD who've shagged on a 1st or second date. Or shagged at a xmas party not knowing the others surname. I got married to someone I slept with on a first date (and his current LT DP, he drunkenly pulled at a club), and my current DP of 3 years - slept with him on our first date too. So I think we know very different types of men.

@ganvough If you think it is, that means you think your way is the only way.

So now you are mind-reader?! Wow!

@ganvough 👏

@ganvough

My social network has most couples married off OLD who've shagged on a 1st or second date. Or shagged at a xmas party not knowing the others surname. I got married to someone I slept with on a first date (and his current LT DP, he drunkenly pulled at a club), and my current DP of 3 years - slept with him on our first date too.

Hmmm, seems you know a lot about others' sex lives. I think I'm getting the picture here of an 'alternative' life style...well, chacun a son gout.

I'm really not sure this is something to boast about. Maybe find better male friends.

I actually went back with a guy on our first date after we met on Tinder (a good few years ago )- this was the first and last time I did it btw!

We'd had a dream dinner - he wasn't the most handsome guy but he was funny and attentive and just very nice and lovely to be with. And intelligent and kind I thought.
We agreed I would drive behind him to his house for a nightcap.
I called my daughter and told her the address and his registration number. And I'd call her when I was leaving his place.
So we had a lovely evening and as I was walking down his spiral staircase to leave he actually said 'how do you know I'm not a serial killer'
Well that fucking freaked me out. He was stood kind of a meter above/ behind me on this spiral staircase and I was scared shitless that he was going to bash something heavy on my head as I walked down the stairs.
I faked a laugh and said well my daughter has your address and car registration so you'd soon be apprehended.
He just said 'oh'...

WTAF..
And then he sent me a message the next day that he thought we'd taken it too quickly- and even though he thought I was lovely he didn't want a second date. Duhuh I just ignored his message. I was never planning on seeing that weirdo again.

WTAF2
He sent me a message about a year later - how he kept thinking about me.
Yes mate cos you got well lucky with me that evening- and no one else who was as nice and kind and good looking as me wanted to date you I bet!
Did he seriously think I wanted another date ?

Dick. He's actually a high flying CHRO. Talk about lack of people skills.

For interest;

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/feb/02/it-stopped-me-having-sex-for-a-year-why-generation-z-is-turning-its-back-on-sex-positive-feminism

Eh? Sex is discussed at some point between friends in most social circles that aren't bound by religion, heavily conservative communities, or think it's dirty/wrong. Nothing 'alternative' about it.

Have you actually read the article?

Here's a direct quote from it. Which is exactly what I said upthread. Real liberation happens when you decouple your sexual desires from what men want and have it for the right reasons I.e what you want and enjoy. Just having a crap tonne of sex isn't sexual liberation. Article is about women who partook in rough sex despite not enjoying it, and how it put them off sex. Like I said earlier having sex because it's what you think a man wants is wrong whether on first date or in marriage. That's not at all what is being discussed here btw....

In this apparently sexually liberated culture, women still don’t feel able to have boundaries and say what they want, and everything is dictated by what men feel they’re supposed to want. I don’t think the problem is too much sexual liberation, I think it’s not enough. You have to actually deal with sexual violence in order to create substantive sexual liberation.

I might just not tell my sister next time to avoid confrontation

smart , tell a friend instead
problem solved 😁

and I don’t judge your sister
she loves you

it’s funny also how our instincts kick in

i once (once !) had a purely sex hook up
met him for a drink and took him back to mine within less than an hour

nothing bad happened
but reading this makes me think 🤔
clearly I felt safe with him and in fact I was

but how did I get to that assessment ?

I think I'm getting the picture here of an 'alternative' life style

No I think it’s quite common for women to discuss aspects of their sex lives with each other… and men too with female friends ( not sure about their male friends but I’m guessing yes). It’s fine obviously not to discuss such things with your friends but of course you wouldn’t be able to comment one way or another about how quickly they fell into the sack. I personally slept with my now husband on our second date…. At his flat too. It was the choice between his place in Wimbledon or mine in Croydon. No contest.

You're a grown woman, you had some fun, you don't sound naive so ignore your sister. Could she be in a slightly stale relationship and a bit jealous?

Yes there are risks like with anything but you took measures.

@ganvough Have you actually read the article?

Yes, especially where it says that generation Z is turning it's back on sex-positive feminism.
This is not surprising when this group has the largest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases with the most common age to be diagnosed with an STI is between the ages of 15-24.
The most recent U.K report says that 144,000 diagnoses of sexually transmitted diseases were made in people aged between 15-24 in 2017.
This group are more likely to use recreational drugs and drink alcohol on a regular basis. Social media and hook up apps play a role in this too.

In this apparently sexually liberated culture, women still don’t feel able to have boundaries and say what they want,

Yes, that's interesting, because when people like myself, who eschew risky sexual, behaviour have boundaries and make them known, I get brickbats thrown at me by some other women.

and everything is dictated by what men feel they’re supposed to want

not necessarily. On this thread it seems to be dictated by what other women think we're supposed to want. I'm surprised no-one can see the irony in that!

@TheMoonisaBalloon I agree with you 100%. But I'm afraid we are a million miles away from some of the ladies on here.

What makes me happy is that I and my daughters too have really strong boundaries. I have had 4 partners in my lifetime and they were all long-term partners who adored me and viceversa.

Those who want to have sex and catch a million STDs and go to sex parties: go ahead, but don't complain when you get dumped as you brought it upon yourself.

Sexual compatibility also comes from knowing each other - my first partner waited 2.5 YEARS (long story I hadn't realised how much in love he was) before we even kissed. He was head over heels. So yes a man who wants you will wait. Full stop.

I’m sorry but I still don’t get why casual sex is seen having a lack of respect for oneself or why STDs are constantly being brought up. If someone has a drunken ons and forgets about safety and protection, or dismisses both for whatever reason, then I understand. But when meeting up and using protection there shouldn’t be such fear mongering.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ps I got an std from my LT partner
not a ‘sex party’

Maybe you should choose better partners or maybe he got it from a sex party? Who knows? 🙄

@Thisisworsethananticpated I care because they come here and post. Do women who are secure in themselves and know their worth come on here and post and ask "strange, he hasn't called me after I sexted 2 minutes after matching and had sex 1 hour after sexting. I wonder why, we had real connection"? No, they don't because they don't do that, they live their lives secure in the knowledge that no one takes advantage of them!

I am menopausal too and I suffer when I see women (sisters) give themselves away. You can say I'm thinking like an old woman, times have changed but I disagree. Loving yourself is universal and timeless.

And I'm sorry about your STD, I hope it was one of the treatable ones.

forgotoldusername

im also sorry I was a bit aggressive
im going to drop out now as this isn’t how I want to roll or conduct myself

I’m like michael Douglas in falling down today
ergo - stay OFFLINE