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Original poster

Dating - what is reckless?

160 replies

Shuggz · 11/09/2022 20:40

Hi all,
Apologies if this sounds silly, just wanting to get some objective opinions.
I am currently dating and met up with a fella at the weekend. I did stay over in his place and had shared with a friend where I'd be, his phone number etc just in case and I also told her I'd check in at some stage during the night.
I told my sister about it this afternoon because I was a bit unsure of things and she went mental and told me that I had been incredibly foolish to go over to his like this. I was a bit shocked because I didn't think I had been very foolish, and while I know that there is always a risk I thought I had taken precautions just in case.
Since I haven't been back in the dating scene for a while...did I really did something really stupid or is my sister just over the top? Are there other things that should really be done and considered?
Thanks!

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 12/09/2022 12:39

maybe whether or not he's got a girlfriend or an STD ?!

How do you know someone has an STD then? Surely anything you can see visibly on date 4 you can see on date 2? Or you’re asking… “ Hey! Any diseases I should know about ?”

Some of these comments are bonkers… judgement wrapped up in faux concern.

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/09/2022 12:44

It's interesting how many men don't even have to leave their own house to have sex - the women travel to them, often paying for taxis or trains, making an effort while the guy sits in his pants waiting for sex to be delivered.

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 12:54

@Divebar2021 Your knowledge of STDs is, quite frankly appalling.

How do you know someone has an STD then?

By looking at their test results. If they take a test after date 2 then the some results should be back by date 4.

Some of these comments are bonkers

Really? You think putting yourself at risk of a serious illness is "bonkers"

judgement wrapped up in faux concern.

I don't get this ^ please explain.

PushkaMcgee · 12/09/2022 13:02

I wish there was a 'like' button on some of these posts!

OP, I too am a takeaway pizza after just one date, albeit it was delivered to mine, not his, just yesterday!

You were comfortable and happy with your decision, and were not, in my opinion, totally reckless in that you let friend know his details

Here's to the takeaway pizza club

Suprima · 12/09/2022 13:14

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/09/2022 12:44

It's interesting how many men don't even have to leave their own house to have sex - the women travel to them, often paying for taxis or trains, making an effort while the guy sits in his pants waiting for sex to be delivered.

Exactly

A lot of people have taken my comments upthread to be me being sex-negative and ‘judgemental’. I’ve had some delicious FWB situations and my fair share of ONS when I was younger and less aware of personal safety. I love sex.

however- when ‘dating’, I like to be taken on dates.

any man who is trying to get you over to his on date 2 doesn’t see you as worth the time or energy to even leave his house. And some women actually want to have sex with these lazy fuckwits who think so little of them?

tinder is literally a free escort service and I am dismayed about how many women just go along with it. They aren’t even paying your travel expenses 😂

ganvough · 12/09/2022 13:27

God, it's like the 1950s reading through these posts.

OP, as a red blooded woman you are allowed to want sex as desperately as men. And to shag a guy as soon as you want. It's 2022, and men understand that women have desires and hormones and don't judge you for shagging them on 1st date or 4th date. You're not a prize to be won and neither is he. Women put so much emphasis on whether a guy is dating you like a gentleman, they completely ignore the fact that relationship longevity has nothing to do with how many expensive dates or chivalrous behaviour a guy shows you, and everything to do with how he judges women and sees their role life. No man who sees a woman as an equal partner will be hypocritical enough to judge her on what he himself is doing!

Relationships are 50:50 and frankly I prefer going to a man's place than having strangers over at mine. If a guy is going to overpower and rape you, he can do it at his, yours or a bloody hotel room. Just because you wait till the 5th date, is no guarantee the guy isn't a serial killer.

I think you were absolutely fine, nothing reckless at all. Dating involves taking calculated risks and you did this. I find it best to not take advice from other women around dating unless they have the same approach to sexuality as you. Otherwise every man is a predator and every shag is a rape waiting to happen.

ganvough · 12/09/2022 13:31

Also you'll find out a helluva lot more about a man by seeing how he lives and how he behaves in bed, and after sex than countless dates. Is he neat/tidy, does he live like a bachelor or seem more settled, does he cuddle, snore, fart, does he offer coffee or breakfast, does he care about your pleasure etc etc.

Everyone is their best self on a date, it means nothing. Especially since at some point the dates will dry up and then you're left with a guy you got swept away with coz he was expending effort on a date, but a complete twat in real life.

Suprima · 12/09/2022 13:41

ganvough · 12/09/2022 13:31

Also you'll find out a helluva lot more about a man by seeing how he lives and how he behaves in bed, and after sex than countless dates. Is he neat/tidy, does he live like a bachelor or seem more settled, does he cuddle, snore, fart, does he offer coffee or breakfast, does he care about your pleasure etc etc.

Everyone is their best self on a date, it means nothing. Especially since at some point the dates will dry up and then you're left with a guy you got swept away with coz he was expending effort on a date, but a complete twat in real life.

what a bizarre post

why on earth would you want to go over to someone’s house to suss out what type of person they are, and how clean they are and if they fart in bed when they have already told you everything you need to know:

They can’t be bothered to leave the house to meet you, you literally aren’t worth their time or energy

Stop pretending this is actually a great filtering system when all you’re doing is ignoring the first red flag

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 13:43

@ganvough Women put so much emphasis on whether a guy is dating you like a gentleman, they completely ignore the fact that relationship longevity has nothing to do with how many expensive dates or chivalrous behaviour a guy shows you, and everything to do with how he judges women and sees their role life.

So how do you think you can determine how a man judges women and sees their role during one sexually based encounter?

Suprima · 12/09/2022 13:50

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 13:43

@ganvough Women put so much emphasis on whether a guy is dating you like a gentleman, they completely ignore the fact that relationship longevity has nothing to do with how many expensive dates or chivalrous behaviour a guy shows you, and everything to do with how he judges women and sees their role life.

So how do you think you can determine how a man judges women and sees their role during one sexually based encounter?

quite

because the only sure thing you can tell from a man who is asking you’ to journey to his for said sexual encounter is that he believes women should have low standards and be sexually available to him, and that he doesn’t really give a shit

But you can tell that by his mere proposal, not by going over there and checking if he keeps his loo clean and eats vegetables

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:04

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 13:43

@ganvough Women put so much emphasis on whether a guy is dating you like a gentleman, they completely ignore the fact that relationship longevity has nothing to do with how many expensive dates or chivalrous behaviour a guy shows you, and everything to do with how he judges women and sees their role life.

So how do you think you can determine how a man judges women and sees their role during one sexually based encounter?

Well, you can't. You can't judge a man based on any one thing. It's a pattern of behaviour that includes his conversation, communication style AND also sex.

But if a man is going to stop calling or changing his behaviour AFTER sex, then he will do it one the first date or 5th date. Except with one you've expended a day of your life (and hopefully had some fun but no expectations), and with another a month (and crushing disappointment because you got your hopes up as 5 dates is a lot of emotional investment).

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:08

Suprima · 12/09/2022 13:41

what a bizarre post

why on earth would you want to go over to someone’s house to suss out what type of person they are, and how clean they are and if they fart in bed when they have already told you everything you need to know:

They can’t be bothered to leave the house to meet you, you literally aren’t worth their time or energy

Stop pretending this is actually a great filtering system when all you’re doing is ignoring the first red flag

Show quote history

Eh?

You're going over to his not to suss him out but to HAVE SEX. Because you want it. Is it so hard to understand that plenty of women just want to shag a guy they have a great connection with?

Why does wanting sex soon make you have low standards? Why would you want to deny your needs and desires and give all the power to a man? Two people are shagging, hopefully both will enjoy it. There's no power play there. I think it's low standards to change what you want and how you live your life, because you think you need to play games to figure out what a man wants. What men want = what women want in a 50:50 relationship.

Dietcoke111 · 12/09/2022 14:13

I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to having sex early or not.
Some will ghost regardless

I think going to a strangers house is precarious; I do not think having sex is the issue.

On OLD you do not know a man from a hole in the wall - he could be anyone. Just this week a friend matched with a guy on google search he has been in jail for harrassment of an ex.

I have had a couple of friends choked and non sensual things happen to them with a stranger. That being said I have known friends who have been married have similar.

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 14:13

@ganvough Why would you want to deny your needs and desires and give all the power to a man?

How does waiting a while to have sex give all the power to a man ?

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:16

They can’t be bothered to leave the house to meet you, you literally aren’t worth their time or energy

Do you know what pick up artists are taught? How to wine and dine a woman and take her on dates and compliment her, before you shag her and dump her.

So I'm not sure what you think you're learning from a guy by wasting weeks and months of your life being taken on dates, when it's the easiest way to impress a woman. And you can get dumped anyway because he was after sex. You can't predict how anyone will behave or what they want - but sex (how selfish he is, whether he makes you breakfast or talks to you and whether he calls you after) will tell you a lot more than some guy who just buys dinner a few times.

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 14:19

@ganvough at 14.08 you said You're going over to his not to suss him out but to HAVE SEX

but previously at 13.31 you said

Also you'll find out a helluva lot more about a man by seeing how he lives and how he behaves in bed, and after sex than countless dates. Is he neat/tidy, does he live like a bachelor or seem more settled, does he cuddle, snore, fart, does he offer coffee or breakfast, does he care about your pleasure etc etc

So doesn't checking out his farting habits etc come under the umbrella of "sussing him out"?

I just don't follow your logic here.

Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2022 14:21

arethereanyleftatall · 11/09/2022 22:23

Oh come on! Surely we've all had one night stands? Sure, it's a risk. Life is a risk.
My boundary op is to meet first time in a public place. Share with friend. Then go with instinct.

no, some of us have no interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I honestly don’t understand how either party even gets aroused without the intellectual and emotional connection in place first.

regardless, going to his house on the second date is reckless.

Dietcoke111 · 12/09/2022 14:21

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:16

They can’t be bothered to leave the house to meet you, you literally aren’t worth their time or energy

Do you know what pick up artists are taught? How to wine and dine a woman and take her on dates and compliment her, before you shag her and dump her.

So I'm not sure what you think you're learning from a guy by wasting weeks and months of your life being taken on dates, when it's the easiest way to impress a woman. And you can get dumped anyway because he was after sex. You can't predict how anyone will behave or what they want - but sex (how selfish he is, whether he makes you breakfast or talks to you and whether he calls you after) will tell you a lot more than some guy who just buys dinner a few times.

I agree with this
the worst I ever had was a guy who heavily courted me for months
thearte, fancy dinners
I did NOT have sex as said I would want to be committed before that happens
He ghosted
I have had similar where I have had sex and theh ghosted

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:21

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 14:13

@ganvough Why would you want to deny your needs and desires and give all the power to a man?

How does waiting a while to have sex give all the power to a man ?

Waiting to have sex even if you want to, means your surpressing your primal needs because you have a narrative in your head about how men will treat you after and how you view sex (as some prize to be offered if a guy deserves it, rather than something YOU want). That's giving them power because you're not doing what you want and when you want. This is why men don't care
as much, about what shagging on a first date means and whether a woman has put in enough effort to impress them.

If you aren't ready to have sex until you know someone better, that's fair enough. But judging women who like and want sex and do it quickly is just puritanical crap. If more women were as casual about sex as men were, you'd take a lot of power away from men in dating politics.

ganvough · 12/09/2022 14:27

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 14:19

@ganvough at 14.08 you said You're going over to his not to suss him out but to HAVE SEX

but previously at 13.31 you said

Also you'll find out a helluva lot more about a man by seeing how he lives and how he behaves in bed, and after sex than countless dates. Is he neat/tidy, does he live like a bachelor or seem more settled, does he cuddle, snore, fart, does he offer coffee or breakfast, does he care about your pleasure etc etc

So doesn't checking out his farting habits etc come under the umbrella of "sussing him out"?

I just don't follow your logic here.

Having sex is is the primary driver. But you're obviously going to notice things when in his personal space.

You're not thinking, 'I'll have sex with him so I find out more about him'.

You're thinking, 'I fancy a shag so I'll go over.' After that what you are likely to notice a lot of things by virtue of being in his space.

The logic is that if you really want to know a man, shag him and see where he lives, what his personal space is like. The nice man who takes you out every time might be living with his wife or gf or be a secret hoarder. Or shag like a teenager and not care at all if you've come or not (selfish twat who doesn't really feel like you pleasure is important).

arethereanyleftatall · 12/09/2022 14:43

Sorry to spoil your judgemental narrative @Suprima and @TheMoonisaBalloon but many women WANT to go to the man's house rather than theirs. Ironically, it's a safety thing, so they don't know your address.

I hate the idea that women should withhold sex as some kind of prize. I want to be in an equal relationship where you both want sex as much as each other.

SunshineLoving · 12/09/2022 15:15

I've done similar. And yes, it's reckless.

You barely know this man. You didn't know him well enough to be alone with him in his house. I would really strongly advise that you don't do this again. Yeah, a few more dates wouldn't necessarily mean that you know everything about a man but at least you would know him a bit better.

TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 15:20

@arethereanyleftatall what is all this nonsense about a "judgemental narrative" ?

Please show me where I have been "judgemental".

I hate the idea that women should withhold sex as some kind of prize.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that ^

I want to be in an equal relationship where you both want sex as much as each other.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with that ^

Original poster
Shuggz · 12/09/2022 15:28

Just to clarify. I don’t think he was being lazy to invite me over. I live in a flat share situation and he has his own place so it just seemed more convenient and less awkward.

OP posts:
TheMoonisaBalloon · 12/09/2022 15:34

@Dietcoke111 you said

the worst I ever had was a guy who heavily courted me for months
thearte, fancy dinners I did NOT have sex as said I would want to be committed before that happens.
He ghosted

So it seems he perhaps didn't feel connected to you, and was using you as a companion/arm candy for these fancy excursions. Did you actually discuss with this guy being exclusive and, more importantly, did you listen to what he said. Did it mean the same to him as it did to you? Did you find out about his past relationship history/track record. So many questions need to be asked when you evaluate a guy.