Dating - what is reckless?

[Shuggz]

Hi all,
Apologies if this sounds silly, just wanting to get some objective opinions.
I am currently dating and met up with a fella at the weekend. I did stay over in his place and had shared with a friend where I'd be, his phone number etc just in case and I also told her I'd check in at some stage during the night.
I told my sister about it this afternoon because I was a bit unsure of things and she went mental and told me that I had been incredibly foolish to go over to his like this. I was a bit shocked because I didn't think I had been very foolish, and while I know that there is always a risk I thought I had taken precautions just in case.
Since I haven't been back in the dating scene for a while...did I really did something really stupid or is my sister just over the top? Are there other things that should really be done and considered?
Thanks!

In what ways are going on a few dates and liking sex mutually exclusive?

So you’ve only been talking to him for a few days and you can’t find anything on sociap media, so you don’t even know if the name he has given you is correct.

You’ve gone to a flat and had sex with him but you don’t even know for sure if it’s his place.

But it’s all perfectly safe because you like him .

As Pp say, you need to be more cautious and value yourself more highly.

I know we are giving you a bit of a a hard time OP but it’s because we care . Too many women are “ date raped “ or worse.

Maybe you like sex more than going on dates.

Alrighty. Then have at it. Go to strangers’ homes and have sex with them. Best of luck to you.

As Pp say, you need to be more cautious and value yourself more highly

This is essentially saying that women who are assaulted deserve it because they didn’t withhold sex until some defined moment when it’s deemed as acceptable ( after the engagement announcement probably). You’re this “prize” and you must be wined and dined and the man must extend a great deal of energy and money proving their commitment and only when they’ve done that should you give up your flower.( or whatever we call it). It cannot be that you simply fancied getting laid (im
paraphrasing…. Some of these posters like this subject A LOT!!!)

@Divebar2021 ‘Withhold sex’ is such odd phrasing. As though it were some sort of entitlement.

Sex is awesome. Everyone should have as much as they want, with whomever they want. However, delivering yourself to the home of a stranger who you’ve been talking to for a few days and have met exactly once is still deeply deeply unwise. This is not subjective.

To acknowledge that something carries risks of assault (or worse), does not mean one thinks assault victims deserve to be assaulted.

Meh
many people hook up , have one night stand and shag on second date

you have to to vet them and have boundaries yes

but many people are doing this reckless behaviour

I used to go home with people I met in a club

Ok cool, I’m a take away pizza so. So glad I asked.

@Suprima
yes really. Wise up.
What low-effort nonsense. 1 date and then it’s ‘come
over to mine’.
Your sister is right- it’s reckless and this man is a stranger…but even if he isn’t an axe murderer, raise your bar and standards.
you deserve to go out on dates and get to know a guy safely, in nice settings, having dinner or doing activities or sharing nice experiences together. You shouldn’t be taxiing yourself to a man’s house like you are a large
stuffed crust pizza to be consumed for bloody date 2

Another vote for this ^

Don't listen to the Mary Whitehouses!

Now I'm middle aged I'm so glad that when I was young I enjoyed myself. I'd go out clubbing, pick out some guy I liked the look of, see what kind of kisser/ dancer he was then head back to his/ mine. Can't even count how many times...

Loads of fab sex. Loads of fun.

Nothing bad ever happened.

I've had long term boyfriends do awful things to me though. 'Safety' isn't something you gain by knowing someone better.

Don't listen to the Mary Whitehouses!

😂
many women to to fuck . In fact I went OLD for that very reason . After a date you can decide if this is someone you want to get naked with

I’m a single mum , and I don’t want endless meals and mountain hikes
I want someone nice and I can go their house and fuck then and then go home

some very hetero normative views on dating here

@felulageller Nothing bad ever happened.

OK, so you played the odds and they were in your favour - more by good luck than good management..

Not so lucky for this girl -

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R_v_Evans_and_McDonald

Or @TheMoonisaBalloon the thousands upon thousands of women who suffer domestic abuse/rape at the hands of their husbands.

A poster below nailed it - a man doesn't become safer the longer you know them. Quite often the contrary.

I'm not sure what you would learn by date 4 (or whatever other arbitrary number sone posters have decided) that you wouldn't have known by date 1.

Quite often on first dates, I'll decide they're not for me, but I fancy a shag. I'm not going to go on 4 more hiking/dinner dates pointlessly first.

My Guess is that a lot of the mary whitehouses on this thread have not been in the "dating" scene recently

Don't listen to them @Shuggz , honestly. Yes going to a mans house is a risk but you let someone know where you were and you're a fully grown adult.

We take risks ALL THE TIME!!! Sometimes LIFE is a risk - it doesn't mean we should stop living.

I'm sure you used your instincts and basically you made a judgment call that you thought this guy was safe enough to go back with him. Sounds like you had a good time, so good for you.

For context, I once had a first date with a guy, we'd been speaking for a while and it as during covid period. We decided to have a take away at mine - it was a fabulous evening!!!! ;) We've now been a couple for over 2 1/2 years. I don't regret anything, I don't consider myself a "loose women" and it was probably the best decision I've ever made. :)

Takeaway pizzas are delicious though 👀😂

Lol, thanks guys. I’ll have to find a carton that fits me if there is a repeat delivery (hopefully) :D

I hope you had fun OP! Do you like him?

A bit reckless yes but f it, the whole world is scared of its own shadow now. As a pp said, drop a pin and also send a photo to a friend.

Ideally if you're hoping for a serious relationship with a meaningful connection the best strategy is to get to know someone as long as you can before having sex.

But who says you are looking for that?! I'm older than you and my sex drive has sadly vanished in menopause but my god did I have fun when I was younger. I settled down and became a parent when I was ready, not society.

People here need to get a life. Takeaway pizza FFS.

OMG the judgment on this thread!

OP I let my friend know where I am. Fwiw most murders/assaults of women are by their partners or ex partners. You won't know much more about him on date 5 than you do on date 2 and even if you know his surname then you don't know much more. The safety issue (which is real) is a very different issue from the takeaway pizza one (which is a load of judgmental, sexist rubbish)/

Quite frankly I am appalled at some of the cavalier attitudes on this thread.

We are not discussing a morality issue, it is a personal safety issue.

Should we be encouraging our (teenage) daughters to engage in such risky behaviour? Really?

www.stylist.co.uk/news/datings-dangerous-secrets-bbc-three-tinder/626726

I do like him, and I had really enjoyed his company on our first date. It turned out that we have a lot in common which was quite a nice surprise.
I am usually far from adventurous but rather shy, but it just felt right.

Next week on Mumsnet:

I stayed over at his place on the second date, now he’s ghosted me…..😢

😬

No, I’m not expecting anything just because we slept together.

@arethereanyleftatall I'm not sure what you would learn by date 4

maybe whether or not he's got a girlfriend or an STD ?!

Personally I wouldn't have done it OP, I'd have invited him to mine (where I know where the exits are, have a security routine on Alexa, and that there isn't a murder basement) or a hotel. I am probably more safety conscious than most, though, while still preferring to fuck new people early on in case we're not sexually compatible.

Ultimately life carries many risks. Of the women in the UK killed each year, more than half are killed by a partner or ex. So you're statistically more at risk getting into a LTR than just banging a random.