I think me and my wife are just friends

[notanotherdad]

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

Have you broached relationship counselling with your wife?

Hi, thank you for getting back to me! We have spoken about it a number of times, but she doesn’t believe we need it. She has read negative reviews, where couples have gone and left feeling that it created more tension in the relationship and in some cases it ended the relationship. So if I mention it again, I’ll get the same response.

Do you both enjoy sex?

When did sex regularly stop?

Is your wife depressed or on depression medication?

Have you actually said something like' It seems like we are not having sex very often, I would like to have it more as its important that we maintain that connection, what do you think?'

Must warn you in advance you will be roasted on here so put on your hard hat.....

But she has not actually gone?

Are there some positive reviews you can find to counter that?

I know a few people who've had couples counselling where its been extremely successful. The best description one gave is that it turned their good marriage into a great marriage.

I don’t mind a roast lol but yeah, when we have sex it may feel rushed, but it’s good. I’m not great, but I’m not terrible at it. She always reaches a climax and gets the wobbly legs. I would say over the last 3 years it’s reduced to almost no intimacy and I’ve spoken to her about it a number of times. She is on anti depressant pills, she got post natal depression and a few years later it came back. So she’s been on pills since.

I don’t mind a roast lol but yeah, when we have sex it may feel rushed, but it’s good. I’m not great, but I’m not terrible at it. She always reaches a climax and gets the wobbly legs. I would say over the last 3 years it’s reduced to almost no intimacy and I’ve spoken to her about it a number of times. She is on anti depressant pills, she got post natal depression and a few years later it came back. So she’s been on pills since.

I think it can be hard in a long term relationship to keep that spark and it can be so difficult to get it back when it's gone.

When you say it's becoming a problem, would this be a deal breaker for you, as in would you be prepared to walk?

What kind of work does she do and what about you?

When the spark left my relationship (no kids), it felt much like you describe. I felt like having sex with him was another "job" I had to do, despite the fact that he was objectively hot, a really nice person, the connection was still there, and he did more than his fair share around the house. But unfortunately I had disconnected from him, the reason being we just weren't moving forward in life plans because he didnt want us to. He was content to muddle along and I had my sights on changing up our life. Gradually I began to a) lose respect for him and b) resent him. It meant that as much as I was still attracted to him and still loved him/had tenderness for him, I just couldn't connect with him sexually anymore.
Could something in that apply to you?

Other option is it could be straight up laziness: having sex when you've been off it for a while can feel like a bit of a hassle. You could try investigating approaches that make sensual touch, rather than sexual touch, the priority.

Ok, so if somebody has had PND and is medicated I really think that should be investigated as it can kill sex drive stone dead. Did ypu talk about that?

Why is sex rushed?

How is your wife feeling day to day? Coping? Under pressure?

How much sex would you like to have?

Oh cross post with your comment about the pills. I'm guessing that has a major impact.

You need to be honest. You should tell your wife that you love her, and for you a big part of that love is intimacy, ie sex. It is important to you to have sex, with her, on a regular basis, and you would like her to want that too. You need to make sure she does not evade the issue, the least you are entitled to is honesty. If she doesn't want what you want, perhaps she can tell you why. It might not be what you want to hear though. Good luck.

Have you tried to tell her that it’s becoming a big enough issue for you?

Shes not just your friend, because no matter how good your other friends may be, you haven’t had children with them or built a life with them. Don’t minimise everything else your marriage means without doing everything you can to communicate properly with your wife.

Sex once a month, when you've got 3 kids doesn't seem all that bad?!
I understand you would prefer more, and want her to want it and not for it to feel like a chore. So I just wonder whether you'd be able to try taking it slower when you're getting down to business, spending more time focusing on her pleasure. Really show her how amazing she is and how much you want her to feel good. Maybe once she remembers how good it can be she'll get more in to it. And then potentially more frequently.

But I remember being stuck in a rut sexually with my H and him going on about the frequency of sex just put me even further off it than I was already. Even just a little comment about it having been a while would really get my back up.

Are you affectionate towards her?

I love my DH and I find him attractive but our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. I'm tired with work, I feel fat and unattractive as I have almost no time to spend on myself, and he is never affectionate at all.

I once read something that I think is true for me and DH - men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to want sex.

I do think I would want it more often if I felt he loved me and found me attractive but unfortunately I don't think he does.

Is it just because she is so busy with general life?
I know by the time l have made packed lunches, fed the cat, done the housework, been to work, cooked dinner, done the ironing, run dd to clubs etc , all l want to do is flop on the sofa. Sex does feel like a chore sometimes and yet l adore my husband . Just always fucking knackered and would rather go to sleep sometimes.

I think this is so common. You do sound as though you have a lot of positives to your marriage. You say you talk a lot abs communicate well that's a lot more than a lot of couples at this stage. Having said that the sex is missing and obviously she is happy with that but you are not. This needs to be addressed before it does become a big issue. Very often it stops being a priority for the wife and so she thinks it's not a priority for the husband but it usually is ! This is where men start looking elsewhere or watching a load of porn not good. Only thing I can suggest is telling her how much this means to you and that you do t want to be in a sexless marriage try and address it properly. If she loves you and she wants the marriage to work she will have to realise this is important Good luck

Post seems to be moving quite fast, so apologies if I'm cross posting. Just wondering, is it purely the lack of good quality sex that's making you feel like your relationship has become platonic? Or is there a deeper emotional "disconnection"? If you took the lack of sex out of the equation, is there other love language going on? DH and I rarely have sex, but that's because we both have pretty closely matched low sex drives, we still very much love each other even in absence of that part of it. I guess I'm asking, is it just a mismatch in libido, or do you feel there is something deeper to it?

I know it sounds awful bit we schedule sex, its the only way to make sure we connect. Two kids so time poor also. Did have a lull as we never got around to it. Now a few times a week and despite pressures of family life its entirely our own special time. Im not sure your wife would be in a position to schedule but you really have to have a conversation about sex. Too tired? Medication effects? Lost desire? Under pressure?

I think if your wife has pnd/depression and is on medication and you're still having a good laugh together and sex once a month that you're expecting a bit much actually. It sounds like your dc's are young and that is knackering (my eldest is 11 now and I'm finding my libido is increasing now I'm 40 and not just exhausted all the time!)

Obviously no one can tell you what is the right amount of sex, everyone's different and it sounds like she is happy with once a month. But you have to decide if it's such a deal breaker for you that you would leave your wife and kids (and then I guess you wouldn't even be having sex once a month?) It sounds to me like she's had a rough time and you should be a bit patient with her.

Do you still fancy her? Have you asked her if she still fancies you?

It’s just one of those things
age, having kids, premenopausal it all has an impact on a women
im 38 and would happily have no sex again but cannot as not fair on husband but bet we only do it once a month and he ALWAYS initiates it as I would never as not bothered about it

I was in a sexless relationship at one stage. If only he'd just kissed me properly and long. Nothing changed, I left him and was then slightly more vulnerable in my decision making as so sex starved. Never again. Try and kiss, then go to work. Bring it back slowly, no pressure.

This.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it feels like she views it as just another chore to get through.
Is the balance of mental load really and truly equal? Are you sure she isn't the one taking most of the responsibility for most of the day to day running and organisation of family life? My husband would tell you he does an equal share of cooking, cleaning and childcare and he does. But it's me that has to organise holiday clubs, book after school clubs, ensure everyone has clean clothes and uniforms ready, that the shopping list is done and meals planned for the week, the children's play dates and sports club arrangements sorted, etc etc. The list goes on and frankly it all gets a bit tiresome. I
Libido definitely seems to wane in the late 30's, whether that's down to hormones or just being busy and overwhelmed with daily life I think the best thing to do is be honest and have a proper conversation about it together.

antidepressants will not only reduce your libido to almost zero but decreases the capacity to reach orgasm. I feel for her because I went through the same thing for a year while I was on antidepressants. She needs to put some effort on her side because cutting sex from a partner Is very unfair and will lead to resentment on your part.

It might sound simplistic but more affection/ intimacy without evolving into sex can take the pressure off otherwise she might think “I know what he’s after” every time you try to get close.