I think me and my wife are just friends

[notanotherdad]

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

Wait, what? Did you read all the responses? Your list is missing vital information and not it at all.

Also, that 3rd suggestion must be a joke, it’s definitely not that.

You’ve missed one very important option there

She has no time for herself. No time to relax, go to the gym so she can feel better for herself.
She feels overwhelmed and has no support to help her feel better

Interesting that you are avoiding/not mentioning the ONE option that means you need to actually step up and do more….
Ots not because you think you are already doing enough that you are. And I’d argue the fact you are avoiding that possibility means you probably ARE not doing enough to support her.

It's so predictable that when a man comes on here and says he's feeling that the marriage is missing intimacy, he means sex.

I wonder if there's any other closeness in the relationship - he says they cuddle and stuff. Maybe that satisfies her need for closeness?

The toddler years are HARD, it's all hard work at that stage and you just feel like you're knee deep in drudgery and hard work, being pulled in all directions and with no time to stop. It does get easier though, so maybe it is just a matter of time. In the meantime if this is so important to you, you need to speak to your wife. See if you can get help. Or decide if it's a dealbreaker. fwiw I don't thhink once a month is much (and I've had young children)

OP, I can relate to your situation as I am currently in a similar situation with my DH, although we are a bit older than you. A few people have mentioned the phrase 'touched out'. When you have kids you feel like your body becomes a vessel for others' demands, and I think that is a difficult thing for men to understand. Being pregnant, breastfeeding, small children constantly wanting physical contact... For me breastfeeding in particular made me feel very differently about my breasts and I even after I stopped I don't really want my husband to touch them sexually anymore. He keeps trying and it just annoys me. I am tired all the time and have very little 'me time', which really drains my libido.

You sound like a good husband but I agree with PP that you need to take the pressure off, make your wife feel loved and wanted without the expectation that this will always lead to sex. I also think you need to take the pressure off yourself a bit. You are worrying that your relationship has lost its 'spark', yet you have 3 kids and you're still finding time for sex once a month, which is not doing too badly. Is the lack of sex something that you are struggling with on a personal level, or is this more about your relationship not matching up to your idealised perception of how a relationship should be? Perhaps you would both be happier if you accepted that sex will take a back seat until your children are a bit older and your wife is off the meds.

Once the sex is gone, it isn't coming back without a concerted effort by both parties.
One of the issues I have with the replies is, that there are couples out there with busy lives, children, businesses, etc, etc having regular sex. As a couple we talk about it all the time, it's a priority. Dp has just accepted a promotion, she has mentioned if it interferes too much in our relationship then she'll step down. I just think for some couples they drown the relationship with obligations and then wonder why the other has either buggered off, ends up in someone else's bed, or is generally a curmudgeonly bastard.

I don't think that's true. Not in my experience anyway. There are peaks and troughs in a relationship - having 3 small children, a full time job and being on medication can definitely lead to a trough. It doesn't mean it will always be like that.

So these issues just resolve themselves.
I don't think so.
Only a concerted effort to re-prioritize can change the status quo.

I agree with the above @Kashmirsilver . Of course the OP's wife is tired we get that and of course she can decline sex. What the bigger issue is though is the fact that she won't discuss it - that holds him hostage. Myself & my wife out a huge emphasis on sex -is something we enjoy, its our own time etc. It holds everything together and we both enjoy it. I see lots of my friends in the OP's position. Husbands in a sexless marriage with wives using all of the above stuff as explanations but no discussion or problem solving. So they have sex at christmas and on holidays....Wow. I'd be gone. If somebody does not want to discuss this further with their partner then thats massively disrespectful and in mumsnet parlance a serious 'red flag'...
If his wife is sick of sex, touched out, whatever - she should just say - so then he can decide to stay or leave, but she is holding him in a position that is selfishly suiting her.
As always on these threads it turns into 'you are expecting too much, typical man responses, you don't understand, you are not pulling your weight etc' all really unhelpful stuff.

Ask your wife' Are we going to have sex more regularly or is this it? then decide. If people treat you like an option then you have a choice to leave.

These discussions shouldn't just be about the wife, both parties can go off sex. People need to have chats. We've had one this week, she approached me. Being aware of the relationship being pummeled by life's pressures is a good idea. Added to the fact of being receptive to finding a solution.

I agree
Low sex drive in the OPs wife circumstances is to be expected and once a month is not sexless.

Putting pressure on her or ultimatums are not going to help her get her groove back. Time, love and understanding might.

If his wife is sick of sex, touched out, whatever - she should just say - so then he can decide to stay or leave, but she is holding him in a position that is selfishly suiting her.

Ask your wife' Are we going to have sex more regularly or is this it? then decide. If people treat you like an option then you have a choice to leave.

This is disgusting. What you are suggesting is sexually coercive which is a form of abuse.

It is not "selfish" for someone to have a low libido and as a result want sex less frequently. A loving partners wouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want sex with them.

There are ways to discuss and resolve issues that aren't saying "is this it then?"

Ugh

If his wife is sick of sex, touched out, whatever - she should just say - so then he can decide to stay or leave, but she is holding him in a position that is selfishly suiting her.
If she's touched out, it will be because of the 3 children he made with her. How selfish to turn a woman into the mother of your small children and then leave her for it.

Um yeah, don't do this

Grown ups talk through issues not deliberately become avoidant. Its fine if she wants out, needs more time or if she is depressed etc, these are all things that can be addressed but only if discussed.

'What you are suggesting is sexually coercive which is a form of abuse'

Erm no, Im saying she should actually discuss what she wants, that obviously for now includes not having sex too much. Thats fine but if its a long term thing then its only fair OP hears that.

If you started a thread for women 'You have 12 hours completely to yourself to do whatever you want - what would you do' - Most would say read or sleep or walk in silence. Or a complete fantasy like a sex romp with their celebrity crush.

I doubt anyone would say they would try to rekindle a flagging sex life with their husbands.

Her time is so precious, unless you help to free up some of it, your sex requirements are going to remain low on her list.

What is abusive and cohercive is refusing to have a conversation about sex with your partner because it’s not in your best interests to address the elephant in the room.

Calling her selfish and suggesting:

Ask your wife' Are we going to have sex more regularly or is this it? then decide. If people treat you like an option then you have a choice to leave

Is coercive. Because it suggests OPs wife should have sex she doesn't want or she's selfish.

What is suggested is not a discussion or in any way reflective of the context they are in, where the wife is depressed and on potentially libido affecting medication. It's just "sex or else".

I just want to make it clear I’m not going to leave my wife over this. It’s blown my mind how this has blown up, well at least in my opinion.

All the responses were pretty reasonable and balanced. Your mind seems to get too easily blown then.

As others have said most antidepressants kill your sex drive and make trying to orgasm really hard work.

The thing is it just puts physical intimacy so far down the list after kids, house, work, social life. You just don’t think about it any more and yet you don’t feel as if it’s a bunch of pills making you this way.

I stayed on them, mostly because my husband was very hard to live with and it stopped me wanting to punch his face.

They do when the issue is something completely external rather than how the person feels about their partner.
Things like medication that is adjusted or the end of the toddler years and finally feeling human again.

fwiw the fact some couples manage to work, have young dcs and still have sex means nothing really. 99% of people could be in that place and it still wouldn’t be relevant to the Op and his dwife.
And in that cas, this is someone who has suffered from PND and then Depression - that is someone who is finding it hard.
We only have the OP’s word that he is helpful.
He said nothing about what he has done to support his dwife re HW and her depression, her maybe not feeling as confident in her body, nit able to go to the gym etc…. But we know all the stuff he has done just to get laid (Aka happy to make an effort with something nice to do anyway with immediate return vs something not as nice such as cleaning the loo over a period of time….).

Ut the bottom line is that the Op might well have done NOTHING yet that would actually make difference to her dwife. We know that because it hasn’t worked and because he didn’t ask her.
(I’m assuming here that when ‘they talked about the lack of intimacy’ there was no discussion on what would make it better for her. Otherwise, I imagine that’s the first thing the OP would have done?)

Nah, not really. It does not suggest anything. It asks for factual information- 'do you think this is how sex will be going forward' - thats fine to ask, also fine for her to answer, yes, no, I dunno or whatever. But she is shutting down and thats not really great in a relationship. No matter how reasonable the male argument on Mumsnet posters always argue that its their fault.
Try switching the sexes and see what the response would be?

I think that question is a demand, not a question. I think its unfair and selfish of the higher libido partner to put pressure on the lower libido partner like that. Especially when there is a very obvious reason for the mismatch that the lower libido partner can't easily fix.

I'd say that which ever way round it was.

However I do think your approach is particularly male. She isn't the gatekeeper of sex. She doesn't have any more insight into "how sex will be going forward" than he does.

I haven't seen anything to suggest she is "shutting down". I've seen lots that suggests he is putting pressure on, intentional or not (buying toys and underwear, "dates" with an expectation of sex).

He needs to have a conversation with her as a couple, not make everything about his penis needs.

However I do think your approach is particularly male. She isn't the gatekeeper of sex. She doesn't have any more insight into "how sex will be going forward" than he does.

Nothing male about it at all. She is the person who refuses to discuss why they are not having sex. Thaty could be for lots of very valid reasons. She has her own insight into why sex is low poriority the OP is happy to have sex. She also decides not to discuss - thats their real issue.

Its not a demand by the way. Look at the grammar.