Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think me and my wife are just friends

140 replies

notanotherdad · 07/09/2022 19:53

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 08/09/2022 22:01

“Nothing male about it at all. She is the person who refuses to discuss why they are not having sex. Thaty could be for lots of very valid reasons. She has her own insight into why sex is low poriority the OP is happy to have sex. She also decides not to discuss - thats their real issue.”

They are having sex. Once a month.

Your suggestion is bizarre - like bullying someone to discuss why they don’t eat tripe, what their insight is on tripe, why tripe is such a low priority for them and why they feel it necessary to hold out on discussing tripe when their husband (clearly the most important person in this conversation) wants more tripe. Such a misogynist idea that because a male isn’t being serviced to his satisfaction, his wife is the cause and the source of all ills.

The poor woman is probably just living her medicated life, doing her best as a wife and mother and is entirely unaware that the many men would consider her worthless because she doesn’t open her legs more than once a month. So grim and depressing how men treat the women who bear them children.

GreenManalishi · 08/09/2022 22:07

@UWhatNow amen to that.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2022 22:13

@Kashmirsilver that's a little bit chicken and egg. Plenty of men , particularly older guys aren't getting much sex because they ARE curmudgeonly bastards or have been in other persons beds previously or do sod all around the house - or get huge (I'm in a premier inn at the airport tonight and couldn't help but think what a load of seriously unattractive middle aged and older blokes compared to the women) or indeed a combination of all of these. There are so many men who expect their wives to act as a maid servant plus therapist and on tap PA and then wonder why these. Women really are no longer that interested in sex.

Kashmirsilver · 08/09/2022 22:30

Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2022 22:13

@Kashmirsilver that's a little bit chicken and egg. Plenty of men , particularly older guys aren't getting much sex because they ARE curmudgeonly bastards or have been in other persons beds previously or do sod all around the house - or get huge (I'm in a premier inn at the airport tonight and couldn't help but think what a load of seriously unattractive middle aged and older blokes compared to the women) or indeed a combination of all of these. There are so many men who expect their wives to act as a maid servant plus therapist and on tap PA and then wonder why these. Women really are no longer that interested in sex.

So why are they with the husbands if they're as you describe.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2022 22:44

@Kashmirsilver because as you get older it can be a combination of things- it's not black or white- it's very grey.
not wanting to live in a crappy flat, often no decent pensions , so a fair bit of financial reasons in many cases , especially when there are few assets and sometimes it's very possible to care for someone a lot and get on well but just no longer be that attracted romantically/sexually due to present/past behaviours.

Lyingallaround · 08/09/2022 23:47

Past and present behaviours.

This.

If you are listening men, this is the reason why you are not getting as much sex as you would like with your wife.

But your innability to see this leads you into further trouble usually with the loss of half your money and the deterioration of your relationship with your children.

Some men arn't so stupid or selfish, you will find them still having sex in their Autumn years, married and lapping up all that wonderful family love and respect.

The problem is, these men who put their sexual needs above everything else, end up pulling the women and children down, with them, with failed marriages and broken homes, depleating finances for families and therefor reducing the chances of offspring thriving.

So much to lose just for that horrible bit of gristle with a bit of skin round it.

Figure out what's important, dickheads.

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 07:02

Lyingallaround · 08/09/2022 23:47

Past and present behaviours.

This.

If you are listening men, this is the reason why you are not getting as much sex as you would like with your wife.

But your innability to see this leads you into further trouble usually with the loss of half your money and the deterioration of your relationship with your children.

Some men arn't so stupid or selfish, you will find them still having sex in their Autumn years, married and lapping up all that wonderful family love and respect.

The problem is, these men who put their sexual needs above everything else, end up pulling the women and children down, with them, with failed marriages and broken homes, depleating finances for families and therefor reducing the chances of offspring thriving.

So much to lose just for that horrible bit of gristle with a bit of skin round it.

Figure out what's important, dickheads.

🙄Sex is to be enjoyed by both parties in a relationship.
Not a 'reward' for being a good boy.

Quite obviously some for whatever reason don't understand this concept. The purpose of sex is misunderstood, missing out on the pleasure of sexual intimacy along with a close emotional connection thereafter.
Framing sex within a cloak of power is very detrimental to your current relationship and future success. Sex should be a pronouncement of love -- not a weapon or reward.

AdamRyan · 09/09/2022 08:07

UWhatNow · 08/09/2022 22:01

“Nothing male about it at all. She is the person who refuses to discuss why they are not having sex. Thaty could be for lots of very valid reasons. She has her own insight into why sex is low poriority the OP is happy to have sex. She also decides not to discuss - thats their real issue.”

They are having sex. Once a month.

Your suggestion is bizarre - like bullying someone to discuss why they don’t eat tripe, what their insight is on tripe, why tripe is such a low priority for them and why they feel it necessary to hold out on discussing tripe when their husband (clearly the most important person in this conversation) wants more tripe. Such a misogynist idea that because a male isn’t being serviced to his satisfaction, his wife is the cause and the source of all ills.

The poor woman is probably just living her medicated life, doing her best as a wife and mother and is entirely unaware that the many men would consider her worthless because she doesn’t open her legs more than once a month. So grim and depressing how men treat the women who bear them children.

👏

Sunflowergirl1 · 09/09/2022 08:43

notanotherdad · 08/09/2022 17:51

I just want to make it clear I’m not going to leave my wife over this. It’s blown my mind how this has blown up, well at least in my opinion.

Nice to hear but the reality is that after a lengthy time where sex has gone from the relationship, it does become friends and if someone shows an interest it is very difficult to not be tempted. In reality there are plenty of women happy to have a fling...the relationship breakdowns and volume are evidence and after so long it can become inevitable

Musti · 09/09/2022 08:52

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 07:02

🙄Sex is to be enjoyed by both parties in a relationship.
Not a 'reward' for being a good boy.

Quite obviously some for whatever reason don't understand this concept. The purpose of sex is misunderstood, missing out on the pleasure of sexual intimacy along with a close emotional connection thereafter.
Framing sex within a cloak of power is very detrimental to your current relationship and future success. Sex should be a pronouncement of love -- not a weapon or reward.

Show quote history

Exactly this. Sex isn’t a reward, it is something that both parties should enjoy and want.

I can never understand how men can have sex with unwilling partners or people they paid to have sex with or with people who are grinning and bearing it.

How can you be turned on by that?

And for me, the minute sex becomes ‘owed’ or I feel obliged to or guilted into it, it becomes something undesirable. If you want to have sex with me and you want me to be turned on and willing and proactive, be nice, support me, talk to me, love me and take care of me, laugh with me, entertain me etc just like I do you. One of the things I love about my boyfriend is that he will hug me and stroke me (and me him) and it doesn’t have to lead to sex. So there is a lot of physical contact in our relationship and we have a lot of sex because of that. Because there is no pressure.

caringcarer · 09/09/2022 09:39

If your wife is only 33 and only wants sex once a month and you want sex more regularly there is a problem in your marriage. It sounds like you are trying to keep intimacy going but your wife not keen. You need to speak with her honestly and tell her you love her and want a more intimate relationship. Once a month or even less is just not enough for you and at 34 you should be having sex far more frequently. Tell her lack of intimacy is now jeopardising your marriage. Ask her if there is anything you can do to improve things. Ask her to consider more intimacy.

Sandra1984 · 09/09/2022 09:45

I would never put up with a man who doesn’t want to discuss why we’re not having sex, I don’t care how many assets or mortgages we have, sex is incredibly important and “once a month” doesn’t cut it for me. Of course there’s health reasons sometimes, or one of the partners is on medication (like the OP’s wife), but that doesn’t stop you from sitting down with your partner and having a civilised conversation. This is what I find manipulative.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2022 09:45

@Kashmirsilver I absolutely agree but if I'm being honest I've only ever felt it was like this for maybe first 5 years of a relationship- after that the things I said before about 'behaviours' creep in and I no longer feel that way about it and as I've got older I simply don't find it that pleasurable- some women do, some don't- I think more men do but even then it's not all men . I'm sure if I was with someone else I possibly would be interested again for a few years as that's just how I seem to feel .

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 10:35

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2022 09:45

@Kashmirsilver I absolutely agree but if I'm being honest I've only ever felt it was like this for maybe first 5 years of a relationship- after that the things I said before about 'behaviours' creep in and I no longer feel that way about it and as I've got older I simply don't find it that pleasurable- some women do, some don't- I think more men do but even then it's not all men . I'm sure if I was with someone else I possibly would be interested again for a few years as that's just how I seem to feel .

I can understand that feeling of familiarity, and boredom, it happens in all relationships. That's where commitment comes in, and obviously, the op is committed to his wife and will not leave over this issue.
I do agree this family has 3 children, and his wife has had PND, so there's a lot going on to smother the sex and even basic intimacy.

YRGAM · 09/09/2022 11:45

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2022 09:45

@Kashmirsilver I absolutely agree but if I'm being honest I've only ever felt it was like this for maybe first 5 years of a relationship- after that the things I said before about 'behaviours' creep in and I no longer feel that way about it and as I've got older I simply don't find it that pleasurable- some women do, some don't- I think more men do but even then it's not all men . I'm sure if I was with someone else I possibly would be interested again for a few years as that's just how I seem to feel .

Have you seen the theory of responsive desire for women in long term relationships? It may just be that you and your partner need to go about initiating and laying the ground for intimacy and sex in a different way

Noix · 09/09/2022 12:03

Second that comment that antidepressants kill your sex drive and make it almost impossible to orgasm. There are some reports on supplements etc. to help with this side effect (because that's what it is!) so I would start by presenting her some background information on this and make sure that both of you understand that this situation is not her fault or decision but a chemical reality in her brain that needs addressing.

Lyingallaround · 09/09/2022 12:29

Sex should be a pronouncement of love -- not a weapon or reward

I agree but there is nothing loving about many marriages when one is exploiting the other, it kills love and therefor sex.

🙄Sex is to be enjoyed by both parties in a relationship.
Not a 'reward' for being a good boy

Of course it is, and it is what most women want but sex is used for coersion with both sexes, the women to barter better treatment within the relationship and the male uses the threat of turning elsewhere if their needs are not met, essentially blackmail.

I do believe many women are exploited in marriage, they are found to be a receptical for bearing children and then when body and mind are ruined by childbirth and execessive demands being placed on the women with unfair child rearing, they become resentful and are then rewarded by threats of finding sex elsewhere and being relaced by a more user friendly model.

Happens all the time and it's exploitation.
Some men do not deserve children, let alone sex, they are users and are ungrateful.

But here we are as women arguing the toss about sex because thats what's important to men.

There are far more injustices within marriages than having a slow patch in a marriage because your wife has three children, is exhausted and can't manage to flip the switch into being sexual, it takes greater effort for the male to encourage sex from someone who is lacking time and energy, it takes a male who is understanding, patient, loving and safe and who knows there will be natural fluctuation of sex.

Op, show your wife you love her, go out of your current comfort zone, lose the pride, do and say something that will make her heart melt, show her you love her infront of others, kind gestures, kind words and appreciation of what she has given you and what she does for you.
Honestly you will get further doing this than arguing any toss about how you deserve more sex and complaing to all and sundry about the lack of it.

Roll it back, take it out of the reward and punishment zone and just concentrate on the emotions for a bit, the love, the care, the respect and maybe things will start to improve, open up to her, not a councillor or the internet.

OilCity · 09/09/2022 12:33

I came out of those years broken and unconnected to my DH. I was so busy keeping all the plates spinning, the idea of willingly adding another one made me feel bitter and tearful.
House mates observe your life but draw a line at an emotional opinion. Is that you?
So DH will observe we had babies and it's easier now. A colleague told me after I'd pulled a couple of things together, I was amazing. It was unbelievable how that emotional compliment made me feel. I could have slept with him.
I think DH feels like the magic of discovery about me has stopped, not worthy of comment all said years ago but I'm still changing, the kids are older, I'm older, more laid back, discovering new things, finding joy in the old. What he doesn't appreciate is my small confident affirmations dripping into his and the kids ears is what has given them the confidence to thrive in their lives. When do I hear an external voice clocking my awesome midlife skills, resetting the house, carrying the mental load, one reunited pair of shoes a time.

And as well as bring touched out, I became 'niced' out. Tired of modelling good behaviour to the kids, being pleasant on the school run, extended family, randoms in shops. Ignoring so much bad behaviour from everyone, being continuously optimistic. An acknowledgement, 'its so important, thankyou' would probably help me find my sex drive more than a vibrator or underwear that I'd only have to remember to wash on delicate, not tumble dry, add to my mental load of stuff to do.

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 12:51

Lyingallaround · 09/09/2022 12:29

Sex should be a pronouncement of love -- not a weapon or reward

I agree but there is nothing loving about many marriages when one is exploiting the other, it kills love and therefor sex.

🙄Sex is to be enjoyed by both parties in a relationship.
Not a 'reward' for being a good boy

Of course it is, and it is what most women want but sex is used for coersion with both sexes, the women to barter better treatment within the relationship and the male uses the threat of turning elsewhere if their needs are not met, essentially blackmail.

I do believe many women are exploited in marriage, they are found to be a receptical for bearing children and then when body and mind are ruined by childbirth and execessive demands being placed on the women with unfair child rearing, they become resentful and are then rewarded by threats of finding sex elsewhere and being relaced by a more user friendly model.

Happens all the time and it's exploitation.
Some men do not deserve children, let alone sex, they are users and are ungrateful.

But here we are as women arguing the toss about sex because thats what's important to men.

There are far more injustices within marriages than having a slow patch in a marriage because your wife has three children, is exhausted and can't manage to flip the switch into being sexual, it takes greater effort for the male to encourage sex from someone who is lacking time and energy, it takes a male who is understanding, patient, loving and safe and who knows there will be natural fluctuation of sex.

Op, show your wife you love her, go out of your current comfort zone, lose the pride, do and say something that will make her heart melt, show her you love her infront of others, kind gestures, kind words and appreciation of what she has given you and what she does for you.
Honestly you will get further doing this than arguing any toss about how you deserve more sex and complaing to all and sundry about the lack of it.

Roll it back, take it out of the reward and punishment zone and just concentrate on the emotions for a bit, the love, the care, the respect and maybe things will start to improve, open up to her, not a councillor or the internet.

Surely sex is important to women too that's what I was getting at.
Sex is extremely important to my wife because she likes it, she always has. That's her mindset before she met me, and it's not changed. Although she did say she wasn't like that as a teenager or young adult. She became confident, enjoyed the experience, and now has sex for pleasure and TTC at the moment.

AdamRyan · 09/09/2022 13:04

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 12:51

Surely sex is important to women too that's what I was getting at.
Sex is extremely important to my wife because she likes it, she always has. That's her mindset before she met me, and it's not changed. Although she did say she wasn't like that as a teenager or young adult. She became confident, enjoyed the experience, and now has sex for pleasure and TTC at the moment.

Show quote history

The men on here persist in "its a priority, it's for connection,yadda yadda" completely ignoring the very articulate posters explaining how demands/guilt tripping for sex is a huge turn off. Sex is important, with the right person and in the right context.

Connection doesn't come with sex. Sex is immeasurably improved by connection. Otherwise everyone would be satisifed by one night stands/masturbation. So many men are cart before horse about this.

Turn OPs situation on its head. Why would OPs wife want sex? She's depressed and feeling shit about yourself is a characteristic of that illness. He is making it clear the sex they do have disappoints him, but buying her toys and underwear, probably leaking through his behaviour he wants more and linger sessions. What's in it for her at the moment? It can not be making her feel better about herself, and probably not connected to him either

Lyingallaround · 09/09/2022 13:09

Surely sex is important to women too that's what I was getting at.
Sex is extremely important to my wife because she likes it, she always
has. That's her mindset before she met me, and it's not changed.
Although she did say she wasn't like that as a teenager or young adult.
She became confident, enjoyed the experience, and now has sex for
pleasure and TTC at the moment

That's all you heard the word sex.
That's great I hope she continues to 'like' it, why's that because you're so great (there's a self compliment in there isn't there), in fact so great because she wasn't like that and you've made it unbelievable now.

That's because she currently feels safe and valued.

Good, but I hope you continue to value her in other ways, through the good times and the bad, sounds like you're at the beggining of your married life, TTC and all that, get back to us in ten years when the pressure builds.

It's very difficult maintaining love honour and respect in a marriage, many do and will fail but if men judge the worth of their marriage by how much sex they recieve then I I don't hold much hope of those particular relationships surviving with equality.

Lyingallaround · 09/09/2022 13:12

@OilCity

Good post

Musti · 09/09/2022 13:46

OilCity · 09/09/2022 12:33

I came out of those years broken and unconnected to my DH. I was so busy keeping all the plates spinning, the idea of willingly adding another one made me feel bitter and tearful.
House mates observe your life but draw a line at an emotional opinion. Is that you?
So DH will observe we had babies and it's easier now. A colleague told me after I'd pulled a couple of things together, I was amazing. It was unbelievable how that emotional compliment made me feel. I could have slept with him.
I think DH feels like the magic of discovery about me has stopped, not worthy of comment all said years ago but I'm still changing, the kids are older, I'm older, more laid back, discovering new things, finding joy in the old. What he doesn't appreciate is my small confident affirmations dripping into his and the kids ears is what has given them the confidence to thrive in their lives. When do I hear an external voice clocking my awesome midlife skills, resetting the house, carrying the mental load, one reunited pair of shoes a time.

And as well as bring touched out, I became 'niced' out. Tired of modelling good behaviour to the kids, being pleasant on the school run, extended family, randoms in shops. Ignoring so much bad behaviour from everyone, being continuously optimistic. An acknowledgement, 'its so important, thankyou' would probably help me find my sex drive more than a vibrator or underwear that I'd only have to remember to wash on delicate, not tumble dry, add to my mental load of stuff to do.

This. I’m saving this

UWhatNow · 09/09/2022 13:53

caringcarer · 09/09/2022 09:39

If your wife is only 33 and only wants sex once a month and you want sex more regularly there is a problem in your marriage. It sounds like you are trying to keep intimacy going but your wife not keen. You need to speak with her honestly and tell her you love her and want a more intimate relationship. Once a month or even less is just not enough for you and at 34 you should be having sex far more frequently. Tell her lack of intimacy is now jeopardising your marriage. Ask her if there is anything you can do to improve things. Ask her to consider more intimacy.

What terrible and misguided advice. Ffs do people really think female physiology and libido is a simple tick box exercise?

Kashmirsilver · 09/09/2022 15:05

Lyingallaround · 09/09/2022 13:09

Surely sex is important to women too that's what I was getting at.
Sex is extremely important to my wife because she likes it, she always
has. That's her mindset before she met me, and it's not changed.
Although she did say she wasn't like that as a teenager or young adult.
She became confident, enjoyed the experience, and now has sex for
pleasure and TTC at the moment

That's all you heard the word sex.
That's great I hope she continues to 'like' it, why's that because you're so great (there's a self compliment in there isn't there), in fact so great because she wasn't like that and you've made it unbelievable now.

That's because she currently feels safe and valued.

Good, but I hope you continue to value her in other ways, through the good times and the bad, sounds like you're at the beggining of your married life, TTC and all that, get back to us in ten years when the pressure builds.

It's very difficult maintaining love honour and respect in a marriage, many do and will fail but if men judge the worth of their marriage by how much sex they recieve then I I don't hold much hope of those particular relationships surviving with equality.

Don't misquote or misrepresent me, please.

That's great I hope she continues to 'like' it, why's that because you're so great (there's a self compliment in there isn't there), in fact so great because she wasn't like that and you've made it unbelievable now.

She enjoyed the act/acts of sex before she met me. So I have nothing to do with it. Some women do like the pleasure they get from having sex. it's something she learned way before she met me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread