I think me and my wife are just friends

[notanotherdad]

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

It's very likely linked to her depression and the medication. So try to be empathetic as she will know you are frustrated and won't be happy either.

I think once a month is pretty normal with young kids and i really think you should cut her some slack. As anything that makes her feel pressured is likely to be counter productive.

Maybe you could try a child free weekend to build more connection?

I think there is a thing with sex in that with men the less they have it the more they want it with women the less they have the less they want! I think you just need to talk, you say communication is good with you which is great. Use it now and all the best x

Hiya op, it's her meds.
I'm on antids and I've had to reduce them because I desperately want to ride rings around my dh but the meds have taken my sex drive and launched it under a bus, it would seem.
I'm sorry, it is a bit of a chore shagging when you have about as much desire to have sex as you do walk on hot coal.
It's not forever, she probably misses feeling the intimacy also.
You sound a brilliant husband, don't take it personally. Don't give up, she may not take her meds forever and her sexdrive will likely return with a vengeance!

She was made redundant and had about 18 months away from work and I thought it was that at first, but now she’s working again. It is more of a demanding role, but it’s making her happy. You might have a point about moving forward with life, we are open and do work together with moving forward. But since the the ronna and financial stresses, we’ve not been able to do stuff. I wonder if that might be a factor?

And I don’t think I could walk away, not with three kids. It wouldn’t be fair on them.

I have heard anti depps can kill sex drive.

You say you try to stay attractive

How about her. Has she confidence issues about her body. 3 kids.

I hate being naked in front of dh. He loves me and my saggy bits but I hate my body now it's awful. We do have sex still not regularly as menopause and time but it's not the experience it was before kids and younger. I don't care that much about sex anymore if I'm honest.

That's how I feel. Maybe your wife feels in a similar way.

Both AD and the pill can kill someone libido.
I agree that I would investigate that first.

Second fir me would be having a chat in well or not she is coping with 3 dcs. Is she feeling ok or burnt out? Enjoying herself or in fight or fly mode all the time?
i know you said you are trying and doing as much as you (think you) can. But if she run down to the ground, sex will the last thing in her mind.

Do you actually do anything romantic like arrange dates or nights away just the two of you or bring gifts and flowers or any spontaneity to keep
the spark alive?

I can’t think of anything worse that oh presenting me with toys and underwear to get things going. That sounds like you’re just putting pressure on her to have sex.

Keeping the spark alive involves romance and making her feel good about herself without any pressure for sex. When the spark gets better the sex will naturally follow.

Could be the pills she's on tbh.

Would not normally post in mum's forum but I hope this might actually help you.

You need to become more attractive ....

1. Do you lift weights ? Get yourself to the gym 2-3 times a week for a full body workout and build some muscle.

2. Don't be needy, do your own activities / hobbies and get out the house

You might find things start to improve ...

I recommend you get over the Married Red Pill forum on reddit.

I do think she is body conscious, but I do tell her I find her attractive still and seeing her undressed there’s a clear indicator that I obviously still find her attractive. But as I said it’s very rarely acted upon, even when we have the house to ourselves. I do think women are harder on themselves than they need to be.

Do keep in mind this is a woman with 3 kids, a full time job AND on antidepressants. I bet you my savings that at the end of the day satisfying her husbands sexual needs is the VERY last thing in her head, most probably she just wants a massage and a glass of wine. So; Buy her a massage table, learn how to give massages, she Will appreciate it, and most probably one thing will lead to another wink wink 😉

Agree about the meds. Even some contraceptive pills can absolutely kill any libido too (based on own experience and I don't think I realised how bad it was until I came off said pills). When you have three children (I have three young ones too) it's pretty tough and you have so little time for each other as a couple, so that's a factor, plus the tiredness. You sound like you haven't stopped trying and that's something to be commended. With my spouse I make sure I do small things like say, "im so glad to see you" when he comes home- and I really mean it. With women we tend to appreciate the small gestures, the smiles and affection, the hand hold (as men do too, we all need that). Going on "dates" is an important aspect of the relationship and maybe needs to be more frequent if possible for you both (we struggle with that due to no support network). Also just talking things through in a gentle way. Sounds like you have put a lot of effort in already but keep on with it! Couples counselling could help as others have said. Does sound like medication is the cause of the issues you mentioned (as others have pointed out).

do you have any chance to date? Do a hobby together? Have fun? Your whole relationship has been spent as parents so it is hard to remember what it is like when it is just you two

I do think this type of situation is much more common than people like to admit. Even if you really love your partner it can be hard to keep the spark alive when you have small children. I only have 2 children and at the end of the day I'm just exhausted and feel I have nothing left to give. Your wife has 3 children, has suffered PND and is on antidepressants. I'm not surprised her libido is non-existent. I'm not saying you should just accept it. You're not happy with the situation and I can see why. I don't know what the answer is. Counselling might help, just giving it time might help. You said you arrange romantic days without the kids but you seem like friends - to be honest I'd feel quite awkward to suddenly start talking romantically/sexily to my DH when we're usually just messing around and having a laugh! I also find it difficult to be "in the mood" in the middle of the day. Can you arrange some romantic child free nights instead? Go out for a meal, have a couple of glasses of wine then back home to bed? That's the sort of romantic evening I'd enjoy. You sound like a good husband and I'm sure your wife loves you - it's just really difficult sometimes to feel sexy when you're so tired.

(lighthearted) are you the guy from Motherhood? 😂

Yep, leave the woman who works full time home alone with three kids and her depression three times a week to go to the gym + X amount of days to do hobbies and she’ll defo want to shag you more 👍

Thank you and I have spoken to her about her meds, we still cuddle and I know I sound just like a horny husband, but I do miss the intimacy.

Would it be possible to get a night or two away, just the two of you? It’s difficult when the kids are young. Maybe use that time to discuss how you’re feeling, and see what you can do to get some of that spark back

Sex once a month, when you've got 3 kids doesn't seem all that bad?!

IKR??

Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage

... and then it's all about sex

Honestly. Just think about what you've posted here! What kind of pressure you're putting on your wife. FFS.

I have a high libido so I wouldn’t be a happy camper either if my partner cut my sex to once a month. I would become very unhappy 🙁

Genuinely got a bit worried DH had joined MN when I read this post…!

It sounds like there are 2 separate things going on here - the first is the lack of libido, and the second is that you feel like you’re just friends. Because obviously being intimate/more than friends doesn’t just mean sex-related stuff! I think pp have also mentioned this but small things like a little shoulder massage or a quick cuddle while doing stuff in the kitchen etc can also keep you connected as a couple. You say communication is good which is great, but if it is good then you should be able to talk honestly and openly about what the issue is.

As for the lack of sex drive, if you find an answer let me know as I bet DH would love to find out…I’m just so touched out after having our DC all over me 24/7 sex is the last thing on my mind, and I’m wondering if she’s the same. But she should take you seriously if you have an honest conversation and say that this is something you are really struggling with, and together you should be able to come up with a solution - maybe she has some ideas as to how you could get her in the mood?

Good luck, we are in a very similar place to you and fighting hard to rekindle our spark so I get where you’re coming from 💐

Hormones, PND, antidepressants, three kids and a job? I would take your once a month and run with it, not be waving crotchless knickers and buttplugs at her.

here is a really good interview with Karen Gurney on this subject, which might be helpful.

She’s tired. I know as I would rather shut my eyes and go to sleep at times. 2 young kids , both full time jobs. Personally it helps when dh thinks of me and forces me to be without the kids, a genuine care and interest that I am having some rest. He needs peace too , so you need to look after each other and check in regularly.

Also agree once per month isn’t that bad