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Original poster

I think me and my wife are just friends

140 replies

notanotherdad · 07/09/2022 19:53

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 09/09/2022 15:24

Some women do like the pleasure they get from having sex.

😂good mansplaining, well done

Original poster
notanotherdad · 09/09/2022 16:01

Hi there, this chat has evolved into two teams now, but I do want to clear a few things up.

As I have said before, me and my wife have a great connection and we can talk about almost anything. But yes talking about sex is a more sensitive topic to address, but it’s not because it’s hard, it’s because I don’t want to create resentment over sex. As even I can see that being repetitive and be a turn off.

I also don’t want her to feel like it’s just something she has to do and another chore. Something that she has to do, because it’s in the calendar. Hence why I originally wrote this chat, I don’t want to add to any pressure, I wanted to see what I could do differently, get a woman’s perspective.

This has been covered before, but I didn’t just come home with toys and expect her to rush to the bedroom to thank me for them. I only got the toys and underwear, because it was something we spoke about. It was something cheeky and met with laughter, when she opened the box. When it comes to the underwear, that was purely because she told me that a nice set gives her a sense of confidence, so if I can help give her a little boost, why wouldn’t I.

Being all touched out, I do understand that our experiences raising our kids are different and the kids are more mommy focused. But I’d like to add I don’t just grab her and treat her like some sort of play toy. I think that shows because most nights we end up with her snuggling up to me when watching a film or tv. As I’ve said before, I love my wife and I think we are still very close in other areas other than just sex.

When it comes to complements and gratitude, that is something I’ve got in trouble for in the past. Not because I don’t say anything, but because if I think it, I’ve been known to just say it. So if I think you look pretty or have done something sweet, there’s a good chance that it’ll fall from my mouth. But she is very much aware of this with me and knows it comes from an honest place and she knows it isn’t false.

But I do have a slight update, I raised some of the points made here and it was interesting, but if I’m honest it was a great chat. I feel more confident that I’m not as bad as I thought I might of been, especially after reading some of these reply’s.

We also talk about her medication, we spoke about things she’s noticed with this pill. Things that she is not happy with and I mentioned the low libido and we did have a slight deeper chat about that. So she is trying to book a review in with the GP, so that might be a positive.

In summary, I love my wife and I’m not going to tell her more sex or I’m leaving. I’m not looking at going elsewhere, regarding the comment about adding someone else to the mix, I asked and she said no - gutted lol

OP posts:
YelloCar · 09/09/2022 16:04

Some women do like the pleasure they get from having sex. Noooo @Kashmirsilver you didn’t really say this! I’m cringing for you.

SallyWD · 09/09/2022 16:25

notanotherdad · 09/09/2022 16:01

Hi there, this chat has evolved into two teams now, but I do want to clear a few things up.

As I have said before, me and my wife have a great connection and we can talk about almost anything. But yes talking about sex is a more sensitive topic to address, but it’s not because it’s hard, it’s because I don’t want to create resentment over sex. As even I can see that being repetitive and be a turn off.

I also don’t want her to feel like it’s just something she has to do and another chore. Something that she has to do, because it’s in the calendar. Hence why I originally wrote this chat, I don’t want to add to any pressure, I wanted to see what I could do differently, get a woman’s perspective.

This has been covered before, but I didn’t just come home with toys and expect her to rush to the bedroom to thank me for them. I only got the toys and underwear, because it was something we spoke about. It was something cheeky and met with laughter, when she opened the box. When it comes to the underwear, that was purely because she told me that a nice set gives her a sense of confidence, so if I can help give her a little boost, why wouldn’t I.

Being all touched out, I do understand that our experiences raising our kids are different and the kids are more mommy focused. But I’d like to add I don’t just grab her and treat her like some sort of play toy. I think that shows because most nights we end up with her snuggling up to me when watching a film or tv. As I’ve said before, I love my wife and I think we are still very close in other areas other than just sex.

When it comes to complements and gratitude, that is something I’ve got in trouble for in the past. Not because I don’t say anything, but because if I think it, I’ve been known to just say it. So if I think you look pretty or have done something sweet, there’s a good chance that it’ll fall from my mouth. But she is very much aware of this with me and knows it comes from an honest place and she knows it isn’t false.

But I do have a slight update, I raised some of the points made here and it was interesting, but if I’m honest it was a great chat. I feel more confident that I’m not as bad as I thought I might of been, especially after reading some of these reply’s.

We also talk about her medication, we spoke about things she’s noticed with this pill. Things that she is not happy with and I mentioned the low libido and we did have a slight deeper chat about that. So she is trying to book a review in with the GP, so that might be a positive.

In summary, I love my wife and I’m not going to tell her more sex or I’m leaving. I’m not looking at going elsewhere, regarding the comment about adding someone else to the mix, I asked and she said no - gutted lol

Great update OP!

GreenManalishi · 09/09/2022 16:28

*I'm not as bad as I thought I might of been
*

Isn't an attractive place to be coming from on this subject. You're looking for more of a curious, what do you need vibe, rather than this.

There's a difference between being repetitive about something and never speaking about something at all. There's a middle ground which as you found out, involves and asking some genuine informed questions and listening to the answers, and retaining this information. If you listen you might find you don't need to keep banging on about it.

ThisisMax · 09/09/2022 16:46

UWhatNow · 08/09/2022 22:01

“Nothing male about it at all. She is the person who refuses to discuss why they are not having sex. Thaty could be for lots of very valid reasons. She has her own insight into why sex is low poriority the OP is happy to have sex. She also decides not to discuss - thats their real issue.”

They are having sex. Once a month.

Your suggestion is bizarre - like bullying someone to discuss why they don’t eat tripe, what their insight is on tripe, why tripe is such a low priority for them and why they feel it necessary to hold out on discussing tripe when their husband (clearly the most important person in this conversation) wants more tripe. Such a misogynist idea that because a male isn’t being serviced to his satisfaction, his wife is the cause and the source of all ills.

The poor woman is probably just living her medicated life, doing her best as a wife and mother and is entirely unaware that the many men would consider her worthless because she doesn’t open her legs more than once a month. So grim and depressing how men treat the women who bear them children.

Thats quite a lot of cognitive dissonance for one person there but best you got it all written down.

ThisisMax · 09/09/2022 16:49

Lyingallaround · 08/09/2022 23:47

Past and present behaviours.

This.

If you are listening men, this is the reason why you are not getting as much sex as you would like with your wife.

But your innability to see this leads you into further trouble usually with the loss of half your money and the deterioration of your relationship with your children.

Some men arn't so stupid or selfish, you will find them still having sex in their Autumn years, married and lapping up all that wonderful family love and respect.

The problem is, these men who put their sexual needs above everything else, end up pulling the women and children down, with them, with failed marriages and broken homes, depleating finances for families and therefor reducing the chances of offspring thriving.

So much to lose just for that horrible bit of gristle with a bit of skin round it.

Figure out what's important, dickheads.

Very transactional power play in that relationship experience anyway. What about pleasure? - like the entirely crazy concept that some women actually LOVE men and LIKE sex too. Mad I know, but does happen.

NotAHouse · 09/09/2022 16:49

"I'm no horny husband that just wants sex!"

<proceeds to focus entirely on the fact the sex isn't up to his standard>

ThisisMax · 09/09/2022 16:53

Musti · 09/09/2022 13:46

This. I’m saving this

Show quote history

Such a great post @OilCity

NotAHouse · 09/09/2022 16:54

OilCity · 09/09/2022 12:33

I came out of those years broken and unconnected to my DH. I was so busy keeping all the plates spinning, the idea of willingly adding another one made me feel bitter and tearful.
House mates observe your life but draw a line at an emotional opinion. Is that you?
So DH will observe we had babies and it's easier now. A colleague told me after I'd pulled a couple of things together, I was amazing. It was unbelievable how that emotional compliment made me feel. I could have slept with him.
I think DH feels like the magic of discovery about me has stopped, not worthy of comment all said years ago but I'm still changing, the kids are older, I'm older, more laid back, discovering new things, finding joy in the old. What he doesn't appreciate is my small confident affirmations dripping into his and the kids ears is what has given them the confidence to thrive in their lives. When do I hear an external voice clocking my awesome midlife skills, resetting the house, carrying the mental load, one reunited pair of shoes a time.

And as well as bring touched out, I became 'niced' out. Tired of modelling good behaviour to the kids, being pleasant on the school run, extended family, randoms in shops. Ignoring so much bad behaviour from everyone, being continuously optimistic. An acknowledgement, 'its so important, thankyou' would probably help me find my sex drive more than a vibrator or underwear that I'd only have to remember to wash on delicate, not tumble dry, add to my mental load of stuff to do.

This one thousand percent.

Twawmyarse · 09/09/2022 16:57

regarding the comment about adding someone else to the mix, I asked and she said no - gutted lol

Did you honestly say this? Coz if so, even "jokingly", you're an absolute bellend.

Original poster
notanotherdad · 09/09/2022 18:10

Did I ask my wife “do you want to add another person into the mix” after we spent the night chatting? No I didn’t, but it’ll be weird if we couldn’t talk about that. We’ve spoken in the past about it before after a couple we know started. Please forgive me for trying to add a little humour 😒

OP posts:
Original poster
notanotherdad · 09/09/2022 18:13

Please show me where I set a standard and explained where it is she is not meeting it. I would love to see how you’d answer if it was a woman talking about a husband with a low libido. Would you be so quick to judge and call her out?

OP posts:
Dery · 09/09/2022 19:58

That was a good update at 16.01, @notanotherdad Sounds like you and your wife will be able to work through this.

Original poster
notanotherdad · 09/09/2022 20:35

@Dery thank you, fingers crossed

OP posts:
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