I think me and my wife are just friends

[notanotherdad]

Hi this is not something I usually resort to, but I thought I’d give it a try. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and married 10. Me (34) her (33), we have three kids, with our first joining the relationship before we hit our first anniversary.

Over the last few years, I feel we have gone from being in a relationship, to just friends. There are no communication issues, we can spend nights just chatting about silly things or serious issues.

This may sound defensive, but after reading a few chats, I see it comes up a bit, so I thought I’d add it. I’m no lazy husband, I do as many school pick ups I can, I cook most nights and I clean (proper clean, not just run the vacuum round once in a blue moon). I’d like to think I’m a modern man, I’m involved in my children lives, I make sure I spend time with them and even tho I know I’m no Phil from modern family, I do try.

Back to the main topic, I feel like me and my wife are just friends, good friends…but friends.
The intimacy has all but stopped, if we have a good month, we maybe intimate once a month. Please don’t think I’m just another horny husband that just wants sex, because I’m not. I’m looking for guidance on what I can possibly try to put a spark back into my marriage.

I have read so many articles on this and I’ve even spoken about this to my wife. Yet it gets brushed off as if I’m being silly. I have tried date days, where we spend the day with no kids and yes we had a great day, but as friends.

I’ve tried buying toys and underwear, but they go in the draw to be never seen again.

I’ve lost weight, making sure I’ve manscaped, clean and fresh with a nice aftershave and nothing.

I’ve tried to set the mood and taking things slow, but even then it felt like she was just rushing it.
It felt like I was just giving her another job to do.

And I understand having three kids is a lot, plus work and whatever other issues life throws at us. Yet I feel she has lost all interest in me in that way and I genuinely believe if I stopped trying, it would be a relief for her. So this is why I’m here asking for advice, I don’t want to end my relationship, because we do have a connection and I don’t want to cheat (just not me), but this is becoming an issue.

Is there a plan for her to consider coming off the meds?

I am not sure how on earth you would introduce this topic sensitively as of course it's entirely up to her how she deals with her health. Also I have to say I had a friend who came off hers and had a massive crash and couldn't work for 3 months. So I'm not underestimating the fear... but maybe just a conversation about how you're happy that things are so much better for you both, and so much more stable, and just say if you've wondered whether the pills will be for ever or not. See what she says.

I came off mine after 5 months and my reduced ability to reach orgasm was one of the reasons.

(Got to be honest, if I found my partner was on something called the 'married red pill forum' my sex drive would nosedive).

Does she masturbate?

I didn’t just come home with a toy like ta da lol we spoke about it before hand and tbh she seemed excited about them. She still might be, but I’ve not been there when they have been used lol.

I do try to be romantic, nights away are hard with the kids, but that’s why we do day dates.

Listen to that podcast, you can't learn any less

Could you just get the toy out? Ask her to use it on you just to see what it feels like? She might not want a relentless focus on her pleasure, or long sessions, especially if she's not feeling very much at the moment.

I wouldn't rely on her seeing your erection and thinking 'hey he finds me hot'. In the past I might easily have assumed my partner was just horny. I used to think so badly of my own body I assumed his arousal was nothing to do with me. Tell her. Not only when you're naked; pay her proper, personal compliments.

Doing more round the house doesn’t work I’m afraid. Talking also doesn’t work. Both things may have made the situation worse (I think they did for me). I suggest you read Dead Bedroom Fix (DadStartingOver) and take a look at his website. The book was uncannily accurate about our situation and does have some sensible suggestions for how to try and improve things but they are not always successful. Be prepared to read some uncomfortable truths though.

I have tried, I find kissing a massive turn on, but once again it feels like I’m keeping her from something. I thought it might be my breath, so I even made sure I used mouth wash or a chewing gum lol. After reading the comments, it’s one of a few things; 1, the pills 2, she doesn’t fancy me anymore or 3, she’s having way too much fun with those toys and I’m not needed other than being a dad and cooking and cleaning lol

And once again it's all about sex.

Are you listening to any of us saying that there might be other things going on here?

It could just be that she has gone off you sexually. She has had her kids and perhaps in her head that’s the main reason for sex.

You’re assuming it’s all about you, but it’s not. A woman with PND, 3 kids, full time job and antidepressants will not want sex when she falls in bed at night even if Brad Pitt is lying next to her. I highly doubt she’s using the toys either because (again) those bloody antidepressants take your libido away, (you are having a hard time understanding it). Again; It’s not you,.just be kind to her, give her a massage and let her dopamine flow. She’ll appreciate it.

Hard hat time OP, usually by page three I find.

@notanotherdad are you sure you are not the woman? You write like one.

I think it's just life that as a busy mum and having been with someone for years that you can't be arsed with sex. I don't really think there is much that can be done to make her want sex with you like years back. I'm divorced and one of the many benefits is not having to deal with all that and muster up the energy and desire for sex when you just have no interest. It's human nature for desire to wane over the years with the same partner.

Doesn't mean she doesn't love you though. As you get on well and have 3 kids, splitting up would seem crazy. At the end of the day, having sex once or twice a month can't be that high a priority?

Three kids can make you all touched out. Your body is required by everyone around you from conception to birth, breastfeeding, hugs and cuddles. The partner wanting some of your body too. It can all get a bit much and, yes, sometimes it's the death knell for sex with that person. A new person might re-ignite the sex drive though.

Best advice out there- both of you share a joint of weed when the kids are out for the night or your on holiday.
sex will feel like another level between you both.

Might be the breakthrough you both need

I never get why a man would come on here and post like this.

It happens, 3 kids, working, anti depressants. I know some PPs have recommended more activities together but the 2 of you are probably together in some capacity a lot....id actually suggest she goes out with friends or doing her own thing while you take over with the kids more. Familiarity isn't a great bedfellow of sexiness in my experience, so I'd do the exact opposite of dates, give her some time and freedom away from the pressures of family life. Thats actual downtime...nobody wanting anything. Nothing needing to be done.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Good luck with that.

Before long you'll be moving over to their i cel forum instead, once your wife wakes up and dumps you.

OP you keep writing the word "intimacy" but what you mean by it is always sex. Having a good friend you aren't bored of talking to, having some physical closeness - this is all intimacy. Sharing the growth of 3 dc you created, all intimacy.
This isn't forever, sex (for many people) takes a backseat when dc are young, they become less demanding and you both get your groove back - that's what I've found anyway.

If you look back through all of your posts, it's all about you. Lots of I, very little we or she.

Why don't you devote the energy you're currently spending on trying to get your end away on getting to know her, and how she feels about it, instead of guessing and throwing random solutions at your problem.

If you can have three children with a woman, you can surely facilitate a dialogue about your sex life with her.

Ether Perel also had loads of good podcasts about sex and desire in long term relationships, which will be more helpful than a Reddit Incel forum. Listen to one, either together or separately and then talk about it. And listen to her, not just transmit.

Hi OP,
im in a similar boat to you, but wife of 20 years is going through menopause, we have not has any form of intimacy for a couple of years now, and her weight gain coupled with her snoring means I sleep in the spare room most of the time now, and to honest I don’t really fancy her now either.

we have a good comfortable lifestyle, no kids, no debts, both do our things, it’s more like living with a housemate than a wife these days, I never thought my marriage would ever come to this.

I have thought about no fault divorce, but I what I have read on this forum women are not interested in middle aged men, so I think I’ll just stay put and enjoy what is left of life

“It happens, 3 kids, working, anti depressants. I know some PPs have recommended more activities together but the 2 of you are probably together in some capacity a lot....id actually suggest she goes out with friends or doing her own thing while you take over with the kids more. Familiarity isn't a great bedfellow of sexiness in my experience, so I'd do the exact opposite of dates, give her some time and freedom away from the pressures of family life. Thats actual downtime...nobody wanting anything. Nothing needing to be done.”

I think this is very sound advice. Date nights/toys/counselling - they’re all aimed at getting her to have more or longer sex with you. She knows that. She needs a bit of time which is completely her own, where no-one is asking anything of her or trying to impose their agenda. It’s hard to find that time when you have 3 small children but it could really make a difference.

I understand why you would like a bit more sex but once a month isn’t nothing. You know how much your wife is dealing with yet you’ve actually mentioned in this thread the possibility of leaving because of this. That’s an awful lot of pressure you’re heaping on a relationship which has created 3 children just because you’re getting less sex than you would like at a time when your wife is clearly really struggling. It’s not particularly loving or supportive on your part.

If it helps, it’s very usual for sex to take a bit of a back seat during the early years of parenting and come more to the fore in later years when the children are bigger and the demands of parenting are a bit less full-on.

This post is such a male way of seeing things. I don't mean that in a derogatory way - it just highlights the different way of thinking. Your wife doesn't want sex much so she doesn't fancy you or she's having fun with her sex toys? God no! As many posters have said your wife is exhausted - she has 3 kids, she works full time, she's recovering from PND and is on antidepressants. If anything will kill libido it's this combination of factors. I have 2 kids and work part time and do all the housework. I'm often too exhausted for sex! Your wife has a lot more going on than I do. You need to have some empathy and understanding - see beyond the issue of sex and try to comprehend why your wife is feeling like this. I'd take my focus away from sex and look at ways to support her emotionally and practically. It's common for marriages to have dry patches. Ours certainly did when the kids were younger but it's improved now they're 9 and 11 and not so full on.

Sincerely @dadinsurrey, you need to at least add another step onto your list: ‘Provide your partner with equal time to themselves and make sure you appreciate how much they’re doing to enable you to actually attend said gym sessions and hobbies.’

Otherwise you’re out of the house 3evenings for the gym and at least one more for a hobby. If childcare for 4 evenings falls solely on one partner then I can’t imagine they’d be feeling particularly positive towards the other!