Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Ok Oncey. I will avoid. You learn a lot on this thread 😳🤓

Yes @Mila14 he's probably now dating others and yes he has an adult child who doesn't live with him. He's 50, 5 years older than me and still my one that got away

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the support re the salsa thing. I'm not going to do it now because I've got college (the CIPD studies for Level 3 are quite full on) but I might well do it when I leave college. My mum can be a little negative at times, but I can't imagine a salsa class rejecting me because of disability. I think she wants me to go back on the dating apps, but they're just so slow and daunting!

In other news, I'm going to a book signing with one of my favourite authors tonight ❤️

Mila14

ibe never been away with Balkan ! I think the longest we have spent in each other’s company is 5 hours in 9 months !!!!
and it’s staying that way for the foreseeable
he caves too much innit !

I was referring to an ex many years ago

and even with my Ex (kids dad ) holidays were go his home island and always friends and family around
we did however have some nice times
way back

as you said you need to talk with O
what’s your custody set up ?
as sounds like he gets you in kid free time
which is very fair

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

fair play to ya
make her wait a bit , if not forever

Slothmomma

hey so Mr city is still in comms?
is that cool for you , as I know you really liked him

Oh Slothy he’s the one that got away…you really liked him. I remember you didn’t DTD so stopped short of being hurt really.

Everything is so complicated…perhaps I am too simple? Im feeling weird about MrO. He’s got this moments of grief…which are still very much there as a widow. I’ve already stopped MrEx becoming “the one” on account of his bouts of depression and alcohol…And now I see that Mr O is quite fragile…
In a way im looking forward seeing Mr Ex because its just so easy after years of relationship and its always when he’s at his best, so dinner and theatre or movie and really awesome sex. He’s ultra busy so I don’t get so much hassle
I’m very confused
I don’t have to take any decisions now. Let’s see what happens next week …

explicit stuff

I have another brief iron I went out with while an off time with Mr Ex trying to get near me. We had a very short liaison and he was mental in love ( I was not, I was in love with MrEx). He took it very wrong when I stopped things and the thing got really nasty so I had to totally cut communication. He could not accept I didn’t want him. I learnt you need to check if sexually you are compatible. This very elegant city guy had a tiny micropenis the size of my index finger ( in girth too). Horrendous experience. I could not go ahead with anything really and I think he got very very upset. This is one of the reasons DTD matters early ish for me really

Worsy my custody now is really great. During school is pretty much 40-60 me being 60. Holidays are a bit trickier but I can get away no problem. I think compared to other mums I have it a bit easier. But there’s 0 women or men anywhere near the kids. Just ex husband and me. It suits us

@Thisisworsethananticpated yeah I did really like him, haven't clicked with anyone like that in years but it wasn't to be. It's sporadic contact at best so I'm ok with it. If he put any loved up pics on his socials I will unfollow so as to not torture myself 😆

Afternoon all, can someone fill me in re: the cave scenario, feel like I missed something!

My ex was a dick in many respects but we always had the best times on holiday!! Thinking of those very magical times does make me miss him.
@HowlongWillThisTakeNow maybe she’s a bit skint and didn’t know how to say that then left it too late and panicked… you don’t really know each other or her situation maybe she just couldn’t afford a spa weekend or to go if shes got no money??

As I understand it..,men retreat to 0 communication for no reason, they just go to their “cave” and are inaccessible sometimes. This is what happens many times when we want to chat but they go radio silent and we don’t even get a good morning text.
most of the time is nothing personal
they just need to retrieve to their corner

Hi all I hope you don't mind me jumping on here. I am an Avid watcher of your threads and LOVE them. I have a bit a situation going on and I'm not sure what to do. I met a guy through work at the end of 2018. Same company different countries. We used to chat through work and there was a spark. Anyway he left April 2019 and the day he left he messaged me on messenger. We instantly hit it off and messaged video called voice called every day. He was honest from the start he had depression as a few months before his brother died in a drowning accident. We both supported each other. His best friend had cancer at the time which was hard for him. Suddenly after 6 months contact stopped and I kind of assumed there were things going on. End of 2020 I had the urge to text him to see how he was so we messaged briefly and he made it clear he still loved me etc etc. again things stopped. In July this year I messaged him on messenger again and since then it's been non stop. In the time we hadn't spoke. His friend and dad both died so he's just got his mum now. A lot of responsibility on him. Things have been great and he's already made it clear that in the next few months he's coming here. He said this is his second chance and he's not giving it up. This last 10! Days he's been up and down and his messages have changed. I have made a joke today about him not ghosting me again and he laughed but I seriously the last twice I was the last one to send messaged and heard nothing after and he was like okay. So I apologised for saying that and stuff but he's not even read my message or responded. I know he's had a lot of pressure at work last week he was getting home and sleeping. We spoke Thursday on the phone for a bit and we seemed to be okay even over the weekend but soon as Monday hit his messages again are limited. Without sounding really cheesy here I feel this guy is definitely the 1 and he's the same. We aren't exactly societies image if a man and woman both rockers into heavy metal and literally like the same version of each other. Highly emotional with each other. He's just the perfect match for me. However now I'm not sure where I stand. I don't know if this is him now phasing me out or what. He said last week I should trust him enough to know he wouldn't go anywhere and vice versa. However I think he's pissed at me. I wish I could just drop him at the drop of a hat but I've tried for almost 4 years and can't. His mum is happy for him to start a life here and really is happy but I think he's going through a lot of grief which I completely I understand. He's still logged in at work as I can see through teams so not sure if he's busy but he usually texts all day but hasn't since 9.45am. Please help me lol! I am going insane. I've never felt this way in my life and can't take my mind off him. I'm just not really happy about the hot/cold behaviour recently either. However we both feel better phoning to talk so we can get our points across but he's not answering my messages so won't answer my call for sure. I know it's a weird situation aswell but we aren't kids. I know some of his friends through work aswel and have met them in person and they always used to make jokes about us always messaging. It's driving me crazzzzzy!

Thanks,
still sitting on my hands for now, will probably make some kind contact soon

Cece… have you 2 been together physically and in real life in these last 4 years? I’m not clear as to whether you’ve had something or this is just texting infatuation
The fact that he’s been on and then off is a red flag in my opinion.
I don’t really understand from your message whether you have ever had something real or not?

I think it’s linked to how men process and deal with difficult emotional issues.
there are lots of ppl on this forum who seem the men are emotional troglodytes with no EQ, that’s just horseshit , we just take time to process stuff

@Mila14 sorry no we have not met yet in person. We met through work though and I've met his full department except him as he was off due to his brother dying at the time. I just feel maybe I'm being so stupid and I don't have many people myself to talk too so really had to put this down on paper/ message. He's just responded saying he's at work still and he's really upset that he's having to work extra etc etc which I believe as we are in the same industry and we are the exact same.

Cece seriously …you have not met this guy ever. In 4 years of communication and then ghosting. This really does not sit well with me. You should try and open your view to dating other guys I think. If you have not met yet…there’s a reason for that. You might be kindred spirits in your music taste, fashion sense etc but if he ever liked you massively….he would have met you. That’s what I think.

Howlongy … you are certainly a really nice guy. Self deprecating and a gentleman. I really really hope Mrs Show has amazingly convincing explanation. I understand “time to process things”. I think we can understand cave going too

@Mila14 you are right. He had his tickets booked for march 2020 but things didn't go that way. He's planning to come march 2023 he just needs to have someone come stay with his mum as he doesn't want her to be alone. He's already booked his trip but things are so up and down with his work just now. I would say he exactly ghosted me we kinda ghosted each other and I do feel massive guilt about what he had to deal with. The second time in fairness it was more me that ghosted him. I just needed it from someone else's perspective like honesty you have really helped me see a lot of sense. I am open to dating others but OLD scares me lol! I enjoy reading your posts. I honestly wish I had your attitude your so great! Thank you

This very elegant city guy had a tiny micropenis the size of my index finger ( in girth too).

The size of an index finger, he had a penis THAT BIG , now I’m really sad

@Cece92 I would approach this one with maximum caution and zero expectations.

If what he says is true, for a start he's been through some massive life changes and is struggling with depression and grief.

However whatever peoples' struggles are if they like you enough, they will try to meet you.

I had a few situations like this during lockdown because it was really hard to meet people irl. However I think that it also increased the number of future fakers and dreamers that I was prepared to have in my life. They'd often make vague plans to meet, then flake. They'd also always have some personal crisis going on.

The problem is when you don't meet these guys but you're always prepared to be there at the end of the phone or a video call, they'll keep coming back because they're getting the girlfriend experience without actually having to put the work into having a girlfriend.

From your side this sounds like limerance or maladaptive daydreaming.

What's going on in your life that means you'd be prepared to have a virtual relationship for this long? Do you have other friendships or hobbies that keep you busy? Do you think you're avoiding something by staying in this 'not in real life' experience? Are you trying to protect yourself?

Some people are content with a virtual relationship. Are you? How would you feel if you never met this guy but carried on chatting for another four years?

Caveat: I'm assuming that you haven't sent this person any money and that it's not in any other way abusive.

Obviously if he comes over you should meet him. That might help you pierce the bubble. Otherwise I would seek help and support from friends and maybe a counsellor, to move on from this.

@BelladiMamma you absolutely right! I have mutual friend who confirmed everything he told me he was off work for a long time so I'm 100% certain on that! I have a great life and great friends 😊

Cece… don’t get hurt and don’t waste your years in something with no legs. I’m older and will have no more kids.You can’t waste your precious time. You may meet him but there will always be some tragedy or some problem or his mum or whatever…don’t fall for it totally.