Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

In my next life im going to ask to return as a lovely lesbian who doesn't have to think of blokes EVER.

I used to work with couple of lesbians, ( not at the same time), neither of them were particularly complementary about their own genders, I don’t think its particularly easier just because both parties are one gender or the other.

I’ve also worked with quite a few gay men as well, and they don’t seem to fare much better either 🤷🏼‍♂️

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow .., how are you feeling? What’s up with Mrs Show?

@Mila14
long(ish) story, we were supposed to be away weekend just gone, dates arrangements around her childcare , nice Spa / hotel resort, planned for about 2 weeks now, both checked in on Thursday evening, all good, , both liked it, she finishes later on a Friday so I headed down there, got booked in etc, she didn’t turn up, when expected, I called her, no response, texted , no response, got a text about 9pm “sorry cannot make it”, no reason no nothing, just bailed on me.

caller her Sat morning ( twice), she finally answered and said her child care had fallen through.
why couldn’t she tell me on Friday morning, would have saved me an hours drive,
could have told me on Friday evening, rather than me sitting in the bar feeling like athe prick who has been stood up.

its such crappy behaviour , really disappointed 😔

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow that is shockingly flaky, I’m so sorry she treated you like that.

I’m sorry but I don’t think there is much to come back from when someone’s behaved like this - yes, things fall through ref childcare… but to not let you know till 9pm, and by text? Utterly shit - no wonder you were upset.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow …this is not normal. I thought she bailed out on 1 date but not on the spa hotel thing. The excuse is pathetic too as you only agree to a thing like this when you have the kids organised. I think she’s had second thoughts about getting any more serious with you but does know how to tell you.
I think I would not give her a second chance Howlongy
This is too much

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

yeah that’s shit
sounds like maybe some other major shit hit the fan and she maybe wasn’t able to tell the truth

but regardless you don’t treat people like that

how you felt - must have been shitty
that’s horrible

not a good user experience and also somewhat out of character ?

I’m sorry 😞

I would be raging is this what being done to me. Its f@@%ing wrong.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

i agree with what mila said
keep busy
have your life
err on the positive

i have an on and off thing with a cave dweller
every time I convince myself he was off

• off with another woman
• off me !

and yet time and time again he just goes really really quiet when he’s sick , sad , stressed , busy

I think your chap will revert
and , our tendency to get obsessive is very common and I don’t know why we do it
but we do !!

@Slothmomma no way, Im so happy you got an upgraded drink!!
My local Costa has seen me outsode with various dates, haha, I have changed coffee shop now,...

Bloody hell @HowlongWillThisTakeNow thats completely horrendous. WTAF?!?

You poor poor thing. Il so sorry that happened. You must have been so looking forward to it and to be stood up in those circs is AWFUL. Id be murderous in your circs.

On it @Thisisworsethananticpated

I remember when we were first chatting he went completely silent and absent for a few days then came back saying he'd been totally spent and depleted and listless (which I obviously noted) and after a full-on 7 day and week he's well within his rights to be quiet and not in constant tech comms with someone he's met three times despite liking them a lot.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow that's really off and no reason why she couldn't tell you sooner and call whilst doing so. I'm not sure I'd be able to come back from it as can't stand flaky behaviour let alone rude behaviour

Oh my god that is pure pure awful @HowlongWillThisTakeNow that would be it for me on that one, it’s just beyond bad behaviour 😫 sorry for you ☹️

Joining in with the chorus of disapproval for the way Ms Show handled that @HowlongWillThisTakeNow. Completely out of order. I assume you have heard nothing since. The very least you are owed is an apology and maybe an explanation, although she had every opportunity to communicate with you properly at the time.

This is outrageous @HowlongWillThisTakeNow
Does she owe you any money? Has she offered to pay for the cancellation fee etc?

Whilst I heartily disapprove of her actions and I know that you've had a crap run of it recently - is it time to look into therapy? When we continue to have these disappointing interactions and situations sometimes we need to look deeper within ourselves and see what we are perpetuating. There may be some similar patterns from your earlier life that you're not aware of ... I know lots of us have benefited from counselling on this thread. It can really help you to see the wood from the trees.

In any case, I'm totally effed off and angry on your behalf. Totally shit of her.

Hello!

hope it’s ok for me to join. I’ve just rejoined OLD after a couple of years single.

I matched with someone on Bumble a couple of weeks ago, had our first meet up over the weekend which went well I thought. He’s text me a few times today but not asked any questions. Should I ask if he’d like to go out again? Or leave it a couple more days and see if the conversation picks back up?

I hate the early stages of dating and not knowing what’s happening 😆

CactiHug

I know it’s old fashioned but I’d let him chase you for the next date
he most probably will if he’s texting anyway

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss …also I don’t know if your MrArt has kids. That also puts strain in a relationship to be honest

@CactiHug …if the meeting went well he must be trying to keep up with you and plan the next date. If it was “meh” he will keep you in his WhatsApp but chase other options and meet you if theres nothing else around. Brutal but I think its like this a bit. If a guy really likes you after first meeting…he’s ll the time trying to figure out how to meet again. You know if it was great 1st meeting or not. I can be wrong though so don’t pay much attention to me. I'm the no nonsense one slightly crazy on the thread

Thanks all, I was really down, dejected, pissed of & angry on Saturday, just so frustrated with everything, to try and answer a few questions
I understand about childcare falling through, but my gut feeling is that was not the truth, and in reality she got cold feet about going away with me and didn’t have the balls to say so to took the shitty way out.

I’m probably a couple of hundred quid out of pocket, but don’t really care about that.
I have 2 (deliberately) missed calls and a VM and an email from her ( not read / listened ).
im gutted, but I am a realist and did not think she was going to be my future wife but wasn’t expecting this, I thought things were trucking along nicely,.

As for therapy , I might look into that i as seem to think I might push things along too quickly…
at the moment I’m just going to listen to the vm , read the email and sit on hands for a while, just don’t know any more, I’m normally quite confident and self assured but today I’m just F-I-N-E fine (if you know the AeroSmith back catalogue)

Bella I think you are right and we would all benefit from counselling. I think many of us are over 40 here and with kids and jobs and responsibilities so EVERYTHING about dating is a lot more complicated. We need to love ourselves a lot more and pardon ourselves when we are shitty at judging, when we make mistakes with unsuitable guys, when we don’t know what we want… etc. we aren’t sorted and maybe we will never be completely

Howlongy… she needs to come clean on why she cancelled. Its not the childcare. You don’t get anything booked before having that sorted. I’ve been there and done that with much much younger kids in the past ( 8 and 10 olds when I dated my MrEx initially) She needs to tell you the truth.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I'm sorry Ms No Show who became Ms Show has become a Ms No Show.
Appalling behaviour.

It's interesting you mention pushing things forward quickly....I did think that when you mentioned a spa break with her.
Do you have any idea why you do it?
Is it to show them a good time?

I do think dates that don't involve going away are probably best for a good few months...just having fun and good sex with no pressure to spend a whole weekend together.

I hope the email and voicemail have provided answers although whether she gets a third chance is your decision....

Too late for me Sorting … my second date lasted 3 days at my place 😂😂. I was mad in lust. I think there are no rules when you fancy someone madly. My third date was a proper cultural do with lunch in a nice place and no sex though