Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Worsy…i think you need to decide whether this business of FWB works for you. I think its much easier to ditch someone if you don’t feel the emotional attachment is working. So, in a way its easier to stop seeing someone for those of us who look for a relationship upfront because we ditch before we get hooked…Some people do great with FWB like Bella and others in this thread but its a difficult balance. I know i could not do it.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've had friends like you. On/off, great in the moment, head fuck the rest of the time. I once spent 3 hours on the phone to a friend supporting her to finally finish with a bloke who she couldn't stay away from but who was doing her no good at all. I was so proud of her for finally being strong and staying away from him - he wasn't even chasing her - that I didn't mind spending the evening before my birthday party on the phone to her instead of getting everything ready. It lasted 3 days and she was back with him again. I refused to discuss the situation any further after that.

I'm not saying you're like this, it just reminded me of that scenario. I really hope you manage to find a way to be that doesn't involve having him in your life. It seems like the bad times outweigh the good ones, and your energy could surely be better spent elsewhere. Be strong!

WeWantTheFinestWines

ouch !!!! I’m honestly a good friend
i tend to mainly discuss with other single friends who , love discussing as they have the same issues
and ….

and I’m sat in a park where i used to bring kids when I was with my ex
many many a time I’d sit here upset as me and ex had a blowout

this time I have CHOICE

so thanks for being so brutal ! Really x

I haven't experienced DE or ED yet. But I did have a boyfriend who'd had a spinal injury that meant he couldn't get an erection. Luckily I'm very happy with oral, fingers and toys so it didn't bother me. Expectation probably plays a big part. If you expect 'normal' and it isn't, you can get disappointed or insecure, but if any limitations have been communicated beforehand, you know what you're going into and how it can be dealt with. Not a particularly sexy conversation to have that early on in a relationship though.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be brutal, I'm very blunt by nature. I'm sure you're a wonderful friend. The friend I mentioned is still my friend and one of my favourite people in the world. And she eventually married a lovely bloke. I'd like you to be with a lovely bloke and not with someone who does not lift you up. You do have choice and I'm sure you'll choose wisely. And keep talking to us lot about it!!! xxx

@WeWantTheFinestWines …you are lovely really.
wow to this
I did have a boyfriend who'd had a spinal injury that meant he couldn't get an erection. Luckily I'm very happy with oral, fingers and toys so it didn't bother me.

I am realising I am a brute and a dinosaur. I just love penetrative sex overall and not much else!. Never have used toys yet. I think i need to wake up pronto and see other possibilities . Mr O pointed at this too but I ditched him before we could play

Several boyfriends in my life have bought toys for us. I love penetration but I need all the other stuff too. I'm very demanding 😅

And you're neither brute nor dinosaur! In fact, you're many men's dream!

Agree with Finest you are not brutal at all, lots of men like this as well, but, if you were open to other things, you might have even more fun

Thank you Howlongy… the thing is I only have sex with Mr Ex and its always ultra vanilla. But absolutely breath taking. It would need to be with a new iron if I want to try new things…

So there’s English bloke I am not super fussed about but he’s super witty and kinda sexy. No name yet as I don't know what to do. He’s very self deprecating and so much fun

MrEuro…extremely posh. Extremely euro ( French) and I will meet him. He’s a huge mystery and i really don't know what vibe he’s got. I will know more when i meet him. He’s keeping quite schtum . He’s witty too in that French bourgeois way. He may take himself way too seriously. I hate it when guys say “ someone who doesn't take herself too seriously” but in this case…

Basically I am not crazy about either and I don't know yet what I want. I was not looking for anyone but they sort of happened?!

theres a third guy who is texting non stop and being over zealous. I have unmatched.

Current mood is I do not know anything and I am not crazy about anyone but I feel really really good with myself

I honestly think I'm going to have to say farewell to Mr Art for his lack of attention and missing 'xxx' as it's driving me bananas.

One meh one liner text yesterday in response to a 'hope you weren't too sleep deprived' no reassurance and no mention of how great our time together was or I am.

Finally sent another nudge one today basically saying the same and later got another even more meh one liner and no xxx which was noticeable.

I'm aware I sound like an obsessed 15 year old but frankly after 4 years of playing the OLD game when you know you know.

Reckon it was always going to be 2D sex based one and nothing else deeper now I look back

Maybe I am jumping to conclusions but I don't like the way I am feeling and he's the cause of it so surely that means he's not for me.
Ffs.

I feel like I wasted 3 months but of course I haven't I've learned stuff.

He may of course be having an off day and I'm being ridiculous. My best friend says I am.

I starting swiping to make myself feel better but of course I don't. I feel worse!

Early night and throw myself into work. Have some great weekends ahead with old mates. That's perfectly timed.

Oncey…no harm done. It’s a lot easier to cut a relationship at the beginning. One thing I have to ask you…is this the guy who didn’t ask things about you and did not want to know things about you? I don’t know if I am confused with someone else. For me this is a HUGE red flag.
I think when you know you know…

Yep @Mila14 the very same. A great first and second date had me sending him a voicemail saying 'Errrr you didn't ask any Qs of me and for me this an indication of a 2D relationship and I'm not in the market for one of those. Just not.'

So I'm on the record for setting my boundaries and now a few dates later all be heeding them (if I'm bold enough which I should be as we all know it's harder the later it's left). I was swayed by how well we got on and so very many things I like(d) about him many many many but if it leaves me feeling shitey between dates and texts that's not ok. Especially at this stage when really a good thing should be nothing but fun.

Time will tell. I'm certainly not going to be the chaser now (have been to-date)

Maybe I'm calling it too soon and maybe the man/woman response to an intimate night in this instance is polar opposite - he withdraws and she feels all needy/vulnerable.
Maybe a brief conversation is all it needs

But I'm pretty sure when you know you do actually know.

Only you know Oncey
a conversation is needed though. Although Im crap at it.I disappear if its just a date or 2 and if there’s been DTD , I just explain im not sure and I don't know what I want and wish them the best but leave no room for a next date
crikey… Sunday night both the really witty Englishman and the intense Frenchman bombarding with messages. I have not much to say so stay quiet ish..
I think it would be a shame not giving a chance to Englishman…he makes me laugh SO MUCH…

I'm a sucker for those witty fellas @Mila14 I stipulate it as a must have. Love those lols 😂

Sorry to clog up the thread with so much me me me me but I guess that's what it's here for. Can't believe I'm back in wondering/partially ghosted territory again.

Sorry to hear youre in that horrible headspace @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss . Hope you feel brighter tomorrow!

Don’t worry Oncey, we are here to hear you. Good or bad. Try to rest tonight. Tomorrow will be better 😘

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I would be the same as you if I'd had next to no contact after dtd. As they say - if he's keen, you know, and if you don't know... Perfect timing for weekend with friends and a reminder that you're fab and have good people in your life.

My date with Mr Accountant is off. He didn't like the fact that I'm political and that that influences who I date. I'm glad we got that sorted before driving for an hour to meet. I'm actually relieved. Tomorrow was my only free night next week and I'm away with a new gang of friends next weekend, which should be interesting. I've also just reconnected with a very old friend who I'm going to meet in London the day after the thread meet and I've got other things going on with friends so my head is not in a very datey space right now. May pause the apps. But it's cuffing season...

Thank you kind understanding and wise people. I'm totally turned off by the nil contact post DTD so a dire move on his part whether deliberate or not. I'm already chatting to some nearer, younger fellas. Good to remind myself there truly are more fish to consider.

So many Qs for you @WeWantTheFinestWines - how did Accountant reveal he was not that into the political side of you? Massive result instead of schlepping out then discovering it after burning that petrol.

What is this cuffing season? It's usually the time of year i deliberately stay off the apps as can't stand the thought of waiting in the cold and dark for a stranger who might turn out to be meh or awful. Ok on a warm balmy sunny evening but telling the teens I'm heading out into the night to meet a(nother) stranger is too hardcore for me usually.

How did you meet your new pals? I've just relocated away from my home of ten years where I had solid friends formed at the nursery and primary school gates but now I'm not sure how to make new local chums. I've met some nice people walking the dog and at my many exercise classes so I guess I'll keep doing that.
If I come off the apps I'll maybe volunteer in a food bank or charity shop.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss nearer, younger irons - you go girl!!

I flushed out Mr Accountant. I know I couldn't date someone on the opposite end of the political spectrum and usually have it in my profile. But not recently, so I asked him how he votes. He got a bit offended and said judging people on their political views is like being racist and he wouldn't want opinions forced on him. I said that we choose our opinions, not our skin colour, and he is free to believe what he wants just like I am free to date who I want. No wonder I'm single, eh? 😊

I think cuffing season is about all the socialising over Christmas and having someone to do it with, but I totally agree about the difference in meeting a stranger after dark in a dodgy pub vs in a park on a sunny day.

And I met my new little gang via a MeetUp group. They're all over the country. I like pub quizzes so joined one that took place every other week coinciding with my child free weeks. We had such a laugh we turned it into a Tuesday drinks separatist faction, and started talking about going on holiday together. We decided that was a bit extreme so are doing a weekend in an air b and b to see how we all get on. Then we may do the holiday thing.

And here's a weird thing I'm going to share here - one of my new friends in the little gang is the ex-wife of someone I had a 3-month sex fling with when I first started dating after splitting from my ex. He was my first OLD fling and we've stayed fb friends - it was never going to be anything serious. He's moved in with someone else now. Thing is - the ex-wife doesn't know that I know him. I don't think it matters as they've been divorced for years, but it feels really odd that I slept with her ex and now we're friends and she doesn't know. But I've known her for months now and it seems too late to say anything and what would be the point anyway. So I'm keeping it to myself and just sharing with you lot.

That’s a risky game isn’t it? Aren’t you afraid that when she finds out - and she will - your friendship group will implode? You did nothing wrong - isn’t it best to be open?

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss Im sorry it went wrong with Mr Art, though you had fun for a while do it’s not all bad. I confess I did get a feeling he was a bit of a player - turns out a player with a broken stick!

Cant sleep...

@WeWantTheFinestWines a similar situation ruined my final year in university. I'd slept with a fella in the first year a couple of times in the summer term then later became good friends with the girl he was with through the second and third year. By the fourth year they'd split but when she found out my history with him even though it pre-dated their being together she and the rest of my clique stopped talking to me immediately and blanked me. It was one of the most hurtful in person en-masse ghosting situation I've ever encountered.

Anyway I think maybe the lesson learned is be wary the knowledge of your fling might be super hurtful if/when it is discovered.

Love that you bonded through pub quizzes. There's one on a Monday night at the boozer down the road. Maybe I should go.

Thanks @Badbaddogagain re Mr Art player assessment. You could be right. I'm not so sure as had him down as punching above his weight with me and certainly everyone's cuppa. Not mine either as it turns out. I gave him the benefit. Didn't really fancy him to begin with but his enthusiasm won me over. Without that I'm turned off him.

*NOT everyone's cuppa. Quite awkward in some ways. Not at all alpha/drop-dead.