Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow hope you’re not feeling too bad cold wise! I hope I’m not telling you something new when I say, please don’t give up on women because you’re tired of the de/ed thing. Some women won’t get it and won’t be able to cope with it (remember, we’ve spent our whole lives being socialised to think a hard on is a compliment!). But some women can and will. And it can happen to men of varying ages and fitness (though I’m sure being young and fit doesn’t hurt!). It’s just another difficult constraint in old that has to be matched up carefully (eg a man with the issue needs to find an understanding woman!)!

fwiw I have now slept with…ahem…a respectable number of men of various kinds and have seen this issue a few times. I think the youngest was 40. The fittest was a ripped, an ex-pro sportsman and a marathon runner. Now I could well be the common denominator, but they all seemed into me well enough (and at other times we experienced no issues). My pride told me each time that it was me. So I’d ask them and would be reassured at length and in some graphic detail why that wasn’t so. And then the next time it happened we’d do other things. And it became not a big deal when it happened. And sometimes it wouldn’t happen.

But it made a big difference how much I liked the guy - those who I didn’t really like beyond the bedroom and those who were selfish in bed otherwise wouldn’t really get another chance (I’m never rude about it - I’d just say thanks but no thanks). But the others, it turned out to be not a problem! And believe me when I say I do love the piv as much as the next person!

@Mila14 toys are lovely. You may just not be into them and may never be, but for many and in the hands of the right man, they can be utterly magical. There’s a whole world of interesting sex out there (I’ve only scratched the surface) - I had no idea at 40 I could still be discovering so many things I’m capable of doing and enjoying!! Worth a look into perhaps but no judgement if you’re all about the sublime vanilla!

I may be utterly crap with the dating malarkey but boy, I am far more book smart on sex! My favourite hobby, rightly or wrongly…

But it made a big difference how much I liked the guy - those who I didn’t really like beyond the bedroom and those who were selfish in bed otherwise wouldn’t really get another chance (I’m never rude about it - I’d just say thanks but no thanks). But the others, it turned out to be not a problem! And believe me when I say I do love the piv as much as the next person!

…exactly. Im not good at giving another chance to someone I can’t fully connect with. Mr O was the worse I’ve had ( ED and DE… beware of profiles of men aged 59…they are in their sixties, lesson learnt) and he had a second chance and it was one too many as it happens. Im sure there are lovely guys 60 that are brilliant lovers though

Ha ha I didn’t mean to be mean! But I had a thing with a man who I now realise was a player back in 2018. Loads of fun, eye-opening sex and good times. He developed prostate problems (turned 60) and it just became obvious that without sex there wasn’t really much to him. We’re still friends but I ended up feeling quite sorry for him and his broken stick

You’re right to focus on the change in comms rather than the need or otherwise for kisses after messages.

I think it would be good for you to keep looking and just park him in the “waiting to see if he’s up to scratch” box because the one thing that you definitely can say is that this change in comms makes you uneasy and his behaviour at this point shouldn’t be causing you confusion or anxiety. If you were dating others you wouldn’t be clinging on to the meaning in his messages but instead would be examining the behaviour itself as perhaps indicative that he’s not worth your attention.

@WeWantTheFinestWines love the sound of your new little friendship group! Hope the ex thing doesn't cause any issues x

Yeah, prostate check will be next, oh joy 😫

@DisappearingHelen this cold is a stinker, I should have bought shares in Beechams not BP., the sex thing is difficult, I’ve not had a massive number of sexual partners, but most of those had liked sex a lot and liked a lot of sex.. so you can guess really, and previously everything has worked as designed, , but the last few years have changed things , especially with the DE, Ms H just couldn’t get her head around me not getting to orgasm and simply having to stop as l used to lose my erection after about 40 to 50 minutes , she just used to feel the sex never really “finished” somehow, no matter what I said.
its really hit my confidence that no one is ever going to want me again, “broken stick” etc.
you only need to read this forum ( and thread actually), to see what some women might think about older men with sexual performance issues.( sorry, no offence to anyone reading this )

Oh please don’t misunderstand me! I didn’t mind about the player’s ED but he really did - his identity etc was far too tied up in his stick, so when it broke, so did he. I loved all the other stuff, at which he was very good, and I enjoyed his company, but he cut me off basically. Mr B (53) gets DE occasionally but again I don’t mind and certainly don’t think it’s about me. I want him because (a) he’s a giver, not a taker, and sets about alternatives to PIV etc with gusto and (b) it’s not just about sex. So we just relax into it, and end up having sex, of various types, a lot 😊. Of course someone will want you, all of you, again. If the relationship is about more than sex….

I think its not so much the sex being good all the time. If the guy cares for you and is lovely, we are happy to not bother so much. But of the guy is an idiot, he needs to be ditched if the sex is not good enough. As I said before, best sex of my life was and is with Mr Ex…he also has DE sometimes. Not often but it has happened. Rest and next time it’s better. Or finish manually…

If there is love and communication, sex is still important but we are able to deal with issues Howlongy

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss that's awful! Everyone turned against you when you had done nothing wrong! I had kind of decided not to tell her anything... We're all in our 50s, does that change anything? Maybe I should take a moment this weekend and just let her know privately - up to her if she wants to share with the rest of the group or not. My little town is very incestuous...

Hi @ButterflyOfShay all good with you?

Rereading Rules 4,5 and 6 over and over as have had the gut punch that Mr Art has unceremoniously blocked me on WhatsApp - just sent a nudge 'You ok?' msg (unless his phone is switched off but what parent of teens at uni does that)

It's a huge gut punch as honestly had him down as a very very kind and thoughtful gentleman.
Can't see how I'll ever trust a man again tbh so at least that helps with the temptation of meeting any of the lacklustre chatees I've got going on the app on a dark blustery night.

I'll go back to my happy single girl world I guess in time.

I feel so sick and completely shocked. Unbelievable that only a few days ago we were giggling, cuddling, having dinner out and bonking.

My spidey senses they knew. From the lack of questioning. It truly was the red flag I ignored. What a strange experience!

What a spineless wanker he is. I’m so sorry @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss - it says everything about him and nothing about you.

It won’t feel like it now but you’ve dodged a bullet.

I think you’re right about your spidey senses.

He’s dying of embarrassment about his bloody stick @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss but what a wanky way to behave! I hope it drops off. Big hugs to you.

Thank you @ibelieveinmirrorballs those are good words to read. Especially the spindles wanker bit.
I just cannot reconcile it right now. He's the absolute opposite of a spineless wanker and I was a great girl to hang out with.

I can't imagine what on earth has happened unless the ED episodes have got him mortified and/or hates me because of it. That's the only thing I can think of.
I guess I'll never know.

It really does feel like a kick in the guts doesn't it an unexpected unwanted horrible shock. I wonder why. I think I'm going to puke.

@Badbaddogagain that's all I can think of as a possible reason.
Im gobsmacked. I thought we worked around it just fine each time.
Jeeesh. Poor man. That's crappy. So he must believe it IS my fault.

Hilarious that his original profile states how he tries to take care of people's feelings and has good morals.

Oh well. Onwards and younger is the way forward and just goes to show spidey senses work and should really be heeded and early boudoir triages are important too.

I doubt he thinks it’s your fault. Blocking without explanation is the act of a coward. No matter how else you dress it up, it’s the behaviour of someone who for whatever reason can’t have difficult conversations. Whether it’s about his cock, or what should happen between the two of you, he can’t face it so has taken the “easy” route out.

This is why you’ve dodged a bullet. You can’t be in a proper relationship with someone like this.

Oncey. Maybe phone is off. Has the image from the bubble disappeared? I think you need to wait to see that. I could understand blocking before you DTD because reasons but after you’ve had several times together and had a lot in common…I don’t think so. Wait please

I always talk about gut sense. If it isn’t right…you know…

Oncey…im not sure why anyone needs to put in their profile that they care about people’s feelings and has good morals… seriously. I think it's odd. Anyway…how old is he?? Its really strange he’s disappeared completely. It makes no sense whatsoever

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

oh shite . I think you are spot on
the lack of bedroom hardness made him feel crappy about himself
the lack of questions was also a reD flag you can tend to better next time

the thing about blocking is it makes you feel so disrespected and not a human

but this is on him and his feeling crappy and being weak

also it’s silly as you can text someone on normal texts

join me on the ‘disappointed’ ❤️‍🩹 October bench lovely

I’m focussing on my mental and physical health this month , and will bounce back
as you will xxxx

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I'm so sorry at how you've been treated - but if he can't end things in a more civil way you are better off without him. Mr Mason blocked me after 7 months and announced on fb we were over without telling me first we were over 😱 he came back days later, and several times since, begging for forgiveness and wanting to try again but nope no way

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss What were you and Mr Art? Had you had any discussion?

You posted yesterday or the day before about bringing up why he hadn't asked questions about you and his answer told you everything you needed to know.

Do you know why you were willing to accept so little from him?

Mr Art sounds like he is emotionally unavailable and he made this clear from the start by saying that crap about feelings in his bio, only people who treat others badly need to write that.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss @Slothmomma oh goodness me that's all grim behaviour.

However, being blocked at least gives you the chance to never go back there as they've removed the option.

Unfortunately men / lovers have disappeared since time immemorial and it's a properly shitty way to go. They've been known to do it after years of marriage!

Of course this could be phone switched off / burner phone switched off. In which case you'll find out soon enough.

I think the difference between when women block and men block comes down to safety. I've blocked when I haven't wanted someone sex pesting me, or hassling me or similar. I'm stunned at the amount of cyber stalking and worse I experienced when I first did OLD. Even after a clear explanation 'I don't think this is going to work for me, good luck in your OLD journey', which could then spark insults or aggression, so you learn to block very quickly.

With men ... it usually comes down to cowardice. Either because they're embarrassed by their own behaviour, don't want to have a difficult conversation or in fact they're already in a relationship and have been cheating.

Either way, you've been spared a shitty relationship and a hard time. And you deserve some very gentle self care today
❤️❤️❤️