Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I think it’s interesting to think of sex in broader terms. I know Ms P had an ex who she says “couldn’t perform” (which I take to mean had the same issues as @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss) and doesn’t consider him to have been a sexual partner. Now, obviously I’m not going to ask after particulars, however it does make you wonder if things like oral, fingers, etc get discounted when they shouldn’t. Very possibly she’s just saying that for my benefit mind 🤣

The vid @HowlongWillThisTakeNow is actually not as per the title 'let him chase you' but instead 'Be busy, have a full life & match one another's energy - if he/she is texting, calling, making arrangements for the next get together then great but if the frequency drops for no apparent reason then also great - continue living your busy great life & let him/her slip away if they want to no matter it's up to them. Getting all anxious and staring at the phone putting an unreliable iron front and centre of your world leads to heartache which it needn't'.

I needed to see it as Mr Art didn't contact me after my 4pm 'thanks for last night' for ages & when he did it wasn't a 'thanks for last night too' text. It was a meh one liner. No follow-up required or given.
I'll not give it another moment's thought now I've seen the vid below & enjoy my busy Sunday. Ball's in his court & if he's gone off me, needs some time out or something then fine if he still thinks I'm the cats pyjamas he'll need to make that known somehow. Didn't seem at all fussed we wouldn't be seeing each other for some weeks so neither am I now.
Energy matched. That's all.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I'm glad you found the video helpful, the overall message is the same as I always say on here - a man should enhance your life, not be your life.

Do you think Mr Art is embarrassed about his ED hence his bland messaging?
Such a shame as you appeared to be getting on well.

@ButterfliesAWOL
i think that’s an interesting question, by reading this forum I would say say that younger women are pretty unforgiving when it comes to ED, ( I have seen some pretty brutal stuff on this forum about floppy dicks) but in a way I do understand that, as young people (Under say 40) have a general expectation that bedroom activities are just going to work no questions asked, it’s only as we older than things need help,, I need glasses to read etc so just part of the normal ageing process.
but I would like to know what some of the females on this thread think

I think younger men would be acutely embarrassed about ED it really hits your self esteem, what it means to be male.
for us older guys it’s still embarrassing, ( especially the 1st that me it happens with a new partner) but kinda par for the course really, and you have to deal with it with humour and try not to get to hung up about it ( which sounds like Mr Art is doing) ,

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow as young people (Under say 40) have a general expectation that bedroom activities are just going to work no questions asked

It is tricky to navigate, I'd say over 35's know thT there may be issues with PE/DE.

I met a guy fron Fab a few weeks ago and he had DE, I later found out he takes SSRIs so I'm 99% sure that's the reason.

Im afraid I don't know what DE versus ED - maybe not keeping an erection vs not being able to get one in the first place based on the rich knowledge shared by @HowlongWillThisTakeNow (and thank you again for the male perspective).

I've now remembered Mr Art said as I suggested we go and buy chocolate deserts that he'd ordered 'something for us to enjoy' for next day delivery but it hadn't turned up. I said well don't spoil it by telling me we'll enjoy it another time.

I'll re-tell him later today how much I enjoyed our third all nighter together, the sexual reawakening and the new stuff he's introducing me to to lessen any awkwardness, embarrassment or frustration he might have about it. Hopefully none but as you say he might be a little. And he needn't be. We can work around it just find or nowadays we can experiment with the ED/DE equivalent of needing glasses to read (as I do).

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

i also watched that video
main takeaway is I need to rebuild my single life again
with one guy and another I’ve been in that WhatsApp and obsessing mode since July 2021

but what’s annoying is the whole ‘matching energy’ means I’ve been holding back and waiting for them to text - and /or chatting with others for a pretty long time

it’s exhausting !

Im sorry about Mr Art going quiet
bit if you truly want to match energy I’d say leave him be actually

as texting him means that your focus will be waiting for his reply
exhausting again ?

Im going to be brutally frank. I need penetrative sex with a partner. I think if he’s someone I have feelings for I can oversee and be super kind and understand a moment of DE/ED but if im getting to know someone and he doesn’t click with me sexually I don’t really want to hang around unless his personality and overall persona attracts me crazy. Im quite vanilla though…I like physicality and enjoy fit bodies. I agree about SSRI. My MrEx told me ( at some point we were not communicating and I know he suffers from depression on/off). Perhaps I need to look at toys and stuff but right now …I prefer hard and properly ready
MrO took viagra and it was on all time but never properly super hard . I didn’t know he took viagra as it is supposed to make you rock solid. Then he’s 13 years older than me ( although he looks 55 , wears fancy clothes and has a really good body) It was not right for me.

Oncey, I agree with Worsy…let him be. Do your stuff and dont worry about the texting ( easier said than done , I know) . There really is no rule other than lets see what happens. Sometimes guys need to go to the cave and its up to us to decide whether the cave thing is too restrictive for us or we need more availability. Its early days with MrArt…patience

Good point @Thisisworsethananticpated I meant to say next time I speak to him after he's been in touch reaffirming his enthusiasm for me or if that doesn't come at some point. I've definitely shifted my view/mindset of being fearful and wishing he'd text which is good as it's a hellish place to live. Really horrible. He had a 14 hour full on day yesterday, 6th day in a row and I robbed him of sleep the previous night so suspect he is spent and depleted and not giving me a second though as I am in the bag it's just me and my terrible paranoia that's way too sensitive about text frequency and content. I'll take the videos advice not give him any thought whatsoever outside of our time together or communications. No ruminating or fantasising about a future that doesn't exist. Trying to be a bit more matter of fact and man-like about it.

@Mila14 thanks for frankness. I guess this is what Im trying to work out too. Is it a deal breaker? I don't think so with this one as the sec we have is wayyyyyyyyyyyy better than no sex and he truly loves my body and appreciates me plus we are very easy and fun together with the right amount of interesting political/cultural chats. So very many excellent high value fabulous things I'd be daft to bin him off but on the other hand if he bins me off unexpectedly then it will be the main thing I tell myself I was glad saying goodbye to!

No ruminating or fantasising about a future that doesn't exist. Trying to be a bit more matter of fact and man-like about it.

😂😂😂😂😜

I think I’m just cool doing my own thing in life at the minute enjoying my social time and ‘me’ time. There’s a few blokes on my radar / wider social circle but unless anyone makes any effort I’m not chasing.

Yeah I am definitely open to meeting people and seeing what theyre about. But as we all know finding single guys (or ladies) who are decent is rare occurrence 😄

Its a good thing Butterfly…doing your thing and checking possible candidates in your social circle sounds brilliant

Im finally meeting the MrEuro posh geezer in posh place on friday. Not sure this guy is what i want but its an easy slow burner. We don't chat for ages and its not message intensive. We are both busy and prefer to meet and see. Its all very different but I think its good. This is also a new for me. I have not checked him thoroughly but i will if we get on this first date. He’s on divorce proceedings so can be a tricky one. Not expecting much but will enjoy champagne evening and nice frock/heels

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

blunt question if I may
how major is this ED
have you managed penetrative sex and it’s here and there
or have you not yet had it ? But had fun others ways ?

I’m keeping busy today

it’s been a whole week since my spat with Balkan and not a word or a peep

on the one hand I’m still angry and I only have angry things to say , hence I’m saying nothing

on the other hand I’m like you total cxxt
what have you got to be angry about ?

anyway it’s for the best as my mental health needs calm , I’ve finally realised that

but it’s really painful 😣 and hurtful

sorry having a wobbly day

Worsy…we are here to listen… I totally get your thing with Balkan…Im sure you both have developed feelings somehow and this just makes things harder for both of you. I also get the fact the sex is awesome and you fancy him massively. Its really difficult to break anything you may have. Do not over criticise yourself and punish yourself about ANYTHING.
Tomorrow will be better and you will see what to do

@Thisisworsethananticpated also having a wobbly day despite efforts at not. Your situation with Balkan is way more deserving of wobbles. They're a tribute to you being a human with actual feelings not an automaton.

Mr Art & have DTD on several occasions but I think only once did it reach a natural conclusion.

I really really really really want to text him to prompt contact but my gut tells me any words he sends will be empty I kind of just want to let him know his bedroom prowess is tops in case he's busy cringing. Probably not giving it a second thought who knows.

Grrrrrrrr dating is so emotion sapping!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
Mila14

thanks x
I know that my Friday night and Saturday night wine is contributing to my misery today

oncey, I have been having blips
and caves and dramas with this mofo all fucking year
so many people on this thread have rightly said he’s a car crash for my mental health
my friends hate him !!!!

so I am a bit angry with myself actually , as I kept on going back for more

with art - I understand why you are having a wobbly day too

but don’t fall into the trap of thinking he’s the only
one out there for you
as your video said when you have a Honda in your driveway ……

im telling you but I’m really telling myself !

@Thisisworsethananticpated 💐💐 for the wobbly day xxx

Just rewatched the vid thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated and it's all true thinking they are the only one when they didn't exist some time ago is the root of all misery. I also like her 'Ima get bored on yo ass if you get all dry on me and only text me every other day'.

I just caved and sent Art a hope I didn't tire him too much for his day yesterday.

Honestly have talked myself out of stupid fantasies and back to a see what happens and if it amounts to a(nother) brief fling then who cares he was the Honda not the Lexus

An all year merry go round with Balkan and your friends thinking the worst of him is a crappy place to be. Sorry this is happening. Shite isn't it. Wine does not help

Im afraid I don't know what DE versus ED
men have 3 main sexual dysfunctions
PE is premature ejaculation , when a guy cums too quickly ( 1 to 2 minutes)
ED is erectile dysfunction, this is your classic guy cannot get or keep an erection
DE is delayed ejaculation where a guy can get and keep an erection, but has difficulty having/ getting to orgasm

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

DE is what I (sometimes) suffer from, I might have PIV for 30 + minutes and not ejaculate , With DE can “keep going” until I lose my erection ( hour or so).

ms H couldn’t really get her head around my DE, as she liked me to finish inside her , and sometimes the sex never came to a “natural conclusion”, as I never got to orgasm, she somehow saw this as a failure on her side that she somehow wasn’t good enough or wasn’t trying hard enough ( neither of which were true), but it lead to some difficult and unhappy conversations around sex and expections.

currently not really sure I actually want to have sex again as it’s so difficult to have to explain and giving reassurance that it’s my issue and not theirs.

Howlongy… thanks for that. I realise my MrEx sometimes had DE but unusual. I still consider him the best sexual partner I’ve ever had. It didn’t bother me at all. Normally its bim bam done. I hate to be going on forever and its very frustrating for a woman if this is not explained. MrO not only had ED but DE as well when high on viagra. Resulted in sore sex for me and cystitis !!! Never again. One more time , thank you so much for your candid posts

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

To be fair my friends are more in the lines of ‘this isn’t healthy’ than hating him per se

thinking they are the only one when they didn't exist some time ago is the root of all misery

this is my problem , 100%
did it with the last one and now the recent one
I don’t know why my head does this and honestly I wish it didn’t !!!!

it’s just a human male ffs
just a human being !!

my friend said I have psycho limernece tendancies and I think she’s right !