Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

That's good @ButterfliesAWOL that you called it out, MsP has apologised and realised it was far from acceptable behaviour from a romantic partner. I think you might be right re the disrespectful frisson rather than actually getting into something other than you.

Yes a wake up call.

Isn't there a Dating Rule to say a relationship where you can't discuss and reveal your true boundaries and preferences isn't worth pursuing anyway...?

Yes Rule #12

WhatsApp slaves:
I remember the switch off of blue ticks was very hard culture change at the time. But now it's just the way it is and I'm grateful for the two-way anonymity years later. But it was not easy.

Im the most ridiculous slave to text responses (or lack of) and can convince myself quite easily that my one iron (Mr Art) has either died or had a change of heart within a few hours of no contact. It's a horrible way to live. Especially when I identify as non-needy and not high maintenance in other aspects of my life.

The other day I ended up letting Mr Art know that I'd jumped to the conclusion he'd expired in the night due to no contact from 9pm on Friday night to 11am Sat when I was meant to be getting ready to do the drive down to him. He was sorry as had written but forgotten to send and was appreciative of the insight into my fragile emotions and assured me he'd not leave me dangling again. Unless he actually does expire unexpectedly.

Welcome @Pullywoolover1 👋 maybe he’s taking his time to think of something good to reply to you, I often read messages but then don’t reply for a while, days sometimes… different with irons though isn’t it! They give us anxiety! 😆

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss thanks for the info on WhatsApp! I also archive the chat with Mr Serb so that I see the unread message every time I open it -didn’t realise there was setting to unarchive when a message arrives -have now tweaked -thanks.

so that I don’t see the unread message

JangolinaPitt

oh the archived messages
and the excitement when there is more than one ! You get a little ‘1’or ‘2’

anyway I seriously need a new evening hobby that’s not phone

@Thisisworsethananticpated lol to the 8mins of being able to turn read receipts off!!!!!

I’m going to try it. I already keep all notifications turned off for the other (dating) apps so I don’t keep meerkatting at every fake ‘new message’ notification on tinder! Perhaps this will all stop me being quite so dependent on the iron message high I get. And the devastation from the no reply lows…

my current iron, whose nickname I’ve forgotten, is a mixed bag. I think he’s happy in his life and therefore a woman is just a little happy add on which is I bad thing but means he’s not exactly chasing me constantly (also a good thing realistically).

I’ve been trying to get that balance myself but constantly fail. I’ll keeping working at it until I find a walk in the woods with a friend etc as joyful as I find dating a complimentary and sexy man!! I certainly would be unhappy without the former!

He told me he has another iron. Which is fair enough since we’re only a few weeks/dates in I think. Except it made me sad. Which I can’t help. Another reminder to myself to hold myself back a little more for a little longer I think.

*no bad thing

Trying to fathom out if I should be concerned or bothered by Mr Art's continued lack of curiosity/questioning.

Have very pleasant weekly times with him and sporadic cheeky banter on the text. Exclusive and happy.

Pretty sure I should just accept he's not like me in this respect but a slight worry this might indicate a non-dedicated shaggy f*cker but who's about to drop me like a stone when he gets bored or head-turned by another.

Hard to say without waiting and seeing how it pans out and not being too gutted if it doesn't amount to anything long term as I chose to ignore this obvious red flag 🚩 or asking directly which will make me look insecure and a response of words would be empty anyway.

Dating sucks. Marriage sucked too. Being single was eternal bliss mainly. Apart from being on holiday with grumpy teens and no sex.

Dating sucks. Marriage sucked too. Being single was eternal bliss mainly. Apart from being on holiday with grumpy teens and no sex.

tell me about it, although with increasing age, sex is less important ( man of my age things don’t always work etc etc, ).

singledom it is.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
HowlongWillThisTakeNow

agree with all and let me add In a mentally I’ll teen who’s majorly in a bad way after spending summer with my ex

its all very tough right now
not just for me for many of us and I can’t pinpoint why

DisappearingHelen
i hear you . I was quite happy single, then I got bloody horny and bored and went on tinder
plus my builder and painter got me all womanly again 😂

the highs and lows of dating are really something arnt they

Hi everyone, reading the varied posts and trying to keep up! Having a very difficult time personally at the minute. Exh served divorce proceedings and my DD 17 is so concerned about losing her home. Son has started a degree course and with no income this has meant taking on a loan. On top of this I've just had the results of a recent test which has confirmed that we need to demolish and rebuild the house due to defective blocks (Ireland). My iron is exceptionally busy at work atm and I think in some ways I'm almost punishing him for not being able to be there for me even though I know he cant. Communication is still daily but less but maybe that's ok almost 2 years on. He has told me he is in this for the long haul but I'm just struggling with everything at the minute. Feel like when I need him most I'm pushing him away!!

Hi everyone, reading the varied posts and trying to keep up! Having a very difficult time personally at the minute. Exh served divorce proceedings and my DD 17 is so concerned about losing her home. Son has started a degree course and with no income this has meant taking on a loan. On top of this I've just had the results of a recent test which has confirmed that we need to demolish and rebuild the house due to defective blocks (Ireland). My iron is exceptionally busy at work atm and I think in some ways I'm almost punishing him for not being able to be there for me even though I know he cant. Communication is still daily but less but maybe that's ok almost 2 years on. He has told me he is in this for the long haul but I'm just struggling with everything at the minute. Feel like when I need him most I'm pushing him away!!

@LuckyLinda3 …so sorry to hear about your many issues. Concentrate in family and practicalities. Hopefully your iron will help when needed. Stay strong
Worsy…you seem in a much better way lately. I know you are having a hard time with teen son. We just need to stay focus and prioritise what really matters. Glad your situation with Balkan is stable now
Oncey…I know it’s difficult but you are exclusive with Mr Art and it’s all heading in the right direction. It’s difficult to understand his lack of curiosity about you and what makes you tick…why don’t you sit with him and tell him?
@DisappearingHelen …it’s hard to know an iron has a second iron. I totally get the being sexless on holidays with teens!!. Patience with this iron…and if he makes you happy and adds to your life…he might be worth staying put with.

I’m totally disengaged from iron search and do not answer messages. I’ve just realised this drives them mental somehow. There’s some activity but I remain unconvinced. I will see MrEx as usual. Not sure I will be bothered with any iron perhaps I will see one. No naming as I am not crazy about him and not particularly looking forward to anything. Focused on kids, work, friends and gym to be honest

Thank you for your kindness @Mila14. Always family first is right. I just need to chill and let things pan out.

How often do you see the iron irl @LuckyLinda3 ?

The house rebuild sounds like the stuff of nightmares.
Stay strong.
Keep plodding.
I promise this will all be behind you as a distant rear view mirror memory and you will wonder how the hell you got through it but you will.
Might mean you need to gird loins and keep the people closest to you hugged as well as yourself. 💪

Aw thank you @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss. Nightmares is right, 13 yrs paid of 20yr mortgage and now I'll need to start again at 47. But we are all well so that's the main thing. We see each other twice a week, every Saturday night and an evening or possible overnight midweek most weeks too.

I’m totally disengaged from iron search and do not answer messages. I’ve just realised this drives them mental somehow

this was what really that put me off OLD , no responses, it was like chucking sticks down a well, so dispiriting

@LuckyLinda3 wow house rebuild sounds awful , really awful

@LuckyLinda3 gosh that’s a lot to be negotiating. Hopefully each thing will slowly resolve and some of the concerns dissipate. I’m glad though that your iron is on the scene and maybe in their own way the challenges may further strengthen your bond with him.

Mila14

no I’m not talking to Balkan right now
we had a row this weekend and I’m kind of done in

need to get myself in a better place mentally before I even contemplate dating
went to GP who’s upped my meds a bit
I’m working hard really but I’m really not myself right now
like you it’s kids , work , friends and exercise
and pills 💊🥹

LuckyLinda3
hey I’m sorry it’s all so hard right now. It’s also really hard with a more part time romance , as they arnt a husband or life partner
but we all sometimes want someone to hold us
anyway I hear you x

I think the not replying to messages is one of the most consistent gripes men have with the initial stages of OLD. I would often reply out of politeness but then send several messages backing out of further contact because I wasn’t interested. My SIL who was OLDing at the time told me it is best to not engage in chats with anyone who you are not interested in. Harsh but maybe sensible advice.

@Thisisworsethananticpated do you mind me asking what you take? I have 20mg of prozac which helps 100% for the last year, helps me cope with day to day life but sometimes lately I feel like they could be wearing off. Got a gp appt in a few weeks so going to chat to him then.

@Thisisworsethananticpated you are going through the mill emotionally again. I hope that there is some respite from this for you soon. It feels like you and Balkan are in the eternal cycle of wanting each other, enjoying the benefits but struggling when too much is expected or needed. Is his life significantly easier than yours? Or are both of you under pressure? Whatever the answer to that is you must really try to take care of your heart and mind. 💐

@LuckyLinda3 so sorry to hear about your house, that is the stuff of nightmares! Sending good luck to you 💚