Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Nice one @Slothmomma glad Mr Medic might be worthy of a second date for you.

Mr Art has revealed, prompted by my suggestive text re a chocolate pot I was eating, that he'd be interested in 'other foods too' in a boudoir setting. I'm clueless after 20 years of extreme vanilla (at best, sexless at worst) marriage. Can't think beyond gooey puds. Although the internet tells me 'nyotaimori' is the practice of eating sushi from a naked body so perhaps that's the way to go.

I’m good thanks, just need a break, big pressure project at work is leaving me mentally exhausted by the weekends & I’m also trying to do a National Qualification for my hobby , so what feeble brain power I have is overwhelmed

but saying all that Ms NS and I are in the friendship zone now ( is that the right term ), and she has sent me some links about some stuff we talked about ( she is big into mental health) , so lines of communication are still open.

Oh definitely! I agree with both of you.

I don't really do game playing either.

I will text them both this week, mentioning a meet up and if they don't respond in kind then will just bin both of them off and start anew!

Funnily enough, I've had a message on Whatsapp from someone (a man?) just randomly but quite chatty (message wasn't for me). I mean they could just be a wrong number but you never know!

@ButterfliesAWOL sorry I typed out a really long message then lost it. However this advice just spotted on Instagram sums it up better!

Interesting
when my boundaries are transgressed I often don’t realise it in the moment , or understand my reaction (to flee )

then I get sad after
then I get really fucking angry
🤔

Slothmomma
nice abiut your date 🙂

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

food ? Hmm
maybe honey as a gateway !?

chocolate would be a no for me 💩

i like my fish covered in batter and served with chips. No sushi for me.

squirty cream from a can is fun (so a friend told me.. ) as are ice cubes of course, an any yogurt is nice.
I dis once read about a fetish thing where naked female is used a dinner plate, but who wants to spill gravy on their bedsheets?

So, in case I get nowhere with texting buddies what are suggestions for dating sites or Happn/Bumble? I mean I've used in the past but not recently.

@ButterfliesAWOL
That sounds tricky, does she know about your past as that does sound a-bit thoughtless of her?
Personally the talking to another person wouldn’t bother me so much as doing it there and then and going into another room etc, that’s pretty off behaviour really from anyone, obviously you cannot police who she talks to.
Good luck with that, hopefully it works out for you ,
have a cold one on me🍺

Great news, everyone needs a medic.

Thanks @HowlongWillThisTakeNow hadn't occurred to me re ice/whipped cream. Blimey! My eyes are being opened to some interesting new things....

OMG. Just re-reading the rules here (which apply to the men I've been messaging). Wish I'd put them in place first!

Doesn't help that I have a cold/cough/virus so don't seem to be in best place for dealing with men right now.

Evening all, its me, the dentist dater!
Ohh the thursday App am liking the sound of, one day a week is perfect for me.

Taking a break from the apps, all a bit time consuming.

@ButterfliesAWOL woah wait a minute, she was with you and texting someone else? Whats that about? Sorry but that is Disrespectful. Generally so rude when you are with a friend, a fwb , or anyone, and they are touching their phone, so so rude.
I would bin orf anyone that had the nerve to do this.

Off to check out the thursday thingy.... 😎

Hi everyone - can I join you? New to OLD, a few years single after rubbish break up, single parent, etc, etc.

Decided this summer that I was ready to dip my toe in the dating scene again. Met someone IRL who asked me out. I’ll call him Mr W. Took plunge and said yes and had a couple of brilliant dates. Great chemistry etc. He’s gorgeous, real connection. But - he lives a few hours away so long distance relationship territory. He seems up for meeting EOW - we both have kids the other weekend. So could work out well, potentially. Feel like I’m falling for him big time and not sure this is a good idea as I really don’t want to get hurt again. He sometimes goes quiet on text which really upsets me as I can see he’s read my message but has chosen not to reply. BUT I realise this is likely just me being needy and allowing paranoia etc to get the better of me (lack of self confidence etc.)

I’ve gone onto Bumble and had a few chats with some more local chaps. Mostly to try and protect myself from getting too invested with Mr W. No dates as yet but possibly soon. But it’s nice to find you all. Your insights are really helpful. I’m all muddled and feeling pretty alone so it’s nice to find you all and feel part of a little gang for want of a better word.

Welcome @Pullywoolover1 (lovely username!)
Confused and feeling alone sounds like many of us!

@Pullywoolover1 Welcome!!
Do you definitely want to commit to EOW with him? When do you get your time to do your own stuff and see friends/family?

The texting thing could be just that he's busy, some people read texts as soon as they come in and then reply when they have time.
Personally I don't open messages unless I have time to reply but sometimes sonething will happen - phone call, knock on the door, my kids need me and I might leave someone on read for a while.
If this has always been his texting style then its just him but its interesting that you use the word chosen.

Can you work on your self confidence? What life do you have outside of your kids and him? Job? Friends? Hobbies?

How long have you been dating?
Have you had any kind of chat about what you are?

@Pullywoolover1 everyone is different, personally an EOW thing would probably fit me perfectly, distance is a bit of an issue, a hour is about right for me, but a few hours might become a chore.

texting is always interesting one, when I see my niece (18), she is absolutely glued to her phone and almost permanently texting or WhatsApp or whatever the young ppl do!,
whereas I’m 50 something and I might not reply for a hour or even a day depending what I’m doing, if I’m hobbying , then there is no phone, so could be all day before a reply
Good luck

@Pullywoolover1 Hello and welcome.

Have you just had a couple of dates with MrW? any sleepovers?

Probably best to keep it relaxed (stay on the apps and talk to others) if you have only met twice and not yet assessed bedroom compatibility? Easier said than done I know but if you are falling for him it might be the idea of him and his attributes more than the true him, how he treats you, whether he's emotionally available etc etc which sadly can only be assessed over a number of in person interactions and time.

I found it helpful many years ago to switch off the blue ticks on WhatsApp so no one can see if I've read their message and vice versa. It really helps.

I also do a thing where I archived the chat immediately after sending a message so the unanswered text wasn't sitting there looking at me when I opened WhatsApp for other chats. You need to make sure the setting is to auto-unarchive when he replies.

These tweaks helped me a lot over the long summer when I was messaging an iron ahead of irl meets and the frequency (approx once a week) was slightly torturous but completely right for two people who hadn't yet checked out pheromone/clothes/physical compatibility.

Hope this helps. No stage of OLD is easy - when you have no irons then when you have irons but meet them and it's a disappointment OR an iron moves to a distinct possibility then you plod through the uncertainties of wondering if this might be the iron to end all irons but only an attitude of 'we'll see how things pan out' can be the judge of that.
Try to remember you had a life and stuff to do before Mr W and his sporadic texts and keep focusing on those things. He is a small addition to your life not to be front and central (yet).

@Pullywoolover1 welcome! To echo others, as a previously single dad, I have to admit in the very early days I would take a few hours to reply after reading messages sometimes - mainly because I wanted to consider what to write (much more anxiety in the very early days, eager not to put someone off and not knowing them that well yet) and that was difficult when the kids had my full attention! If it’s over 24 hours though, I’d be more concerned.

Pullywoolover1

im also obsessive

im going to fess up that last night i stalked someone I like
i reviewed every single one of his Facebook female friends to see which ones he fancies

answer : ONE

I’ve started therapy and I believe this is needed !

so yeah no advice from me

I’m turning my blue ticks off

enough off this WhatsApp slavery

I’ve turned them back on !!!
I cant live like this 😵‍💫😂

Also want to say thanks to everyone for their advice about Ms P. We’ve talked since. She’s been incredibly anxious and realised this has escalated and is bending over backwards to reassure me.

Given this has been going on for a few years, my take is this guy is bored in his marriage but not so much he’s going to push things too far and blow-up what he’s got. I think he probably homed in on Ms P because, when they met and up till recently, she was in an emotionally abusive marriage so maybe sensed she’d respond and be vulnerable to his attention (and maybe there is a bit of a potential spark). This is all based on the fact that explicit boundaries weren’t crossed when Ms P was in a much more receptive situation for that to occur (in a dead marriage and then single).

So I do feel I can trust Ms P on this. I have, however, told her that I know emotions are complicated things and if there’s any sense that this revelation (that her female friend believes is obvious he fancies her) would cause angsting between them, or require soul-searching drama then it’s not the sort of thing I feel I’m in a place to accommodate and I’d want out. She’s been adamant she’s been naive and honestly believed this guy was just a platonic friend (which I guess is bolstered by the fact she did get her friend to go back through all their historic conversations to get her take). That even if he divorced his wife and turned up on her doorstep she’d say no.

I admit, I find it hard to believe she was so naive. I do wonder if she was at least indulging him, and enjoying the unspoken frisson, even if she would have pushed back immediately had anything been made explicit. But then I’m male and not really had opposite-sex friends who I’ve continuously messaged to such an extent - though I understand there’s women who do.

For the moment though, outright pissed-off has been downgraded to being a bit grumpy. I think it’s been a massive wake-up call for her, so we’ll see how things go.

Good luck @ButterfliesAWOL …I think Mrs P hasn’t settled yet with you and I find it hard to believe she didn’t enjoy the frisson as she even run to another room to text him while being with you. One thing is clear though…you are a safe bet for her and she does not want to lose you. Your gut feeling is always right. I’ve learnt this too