Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I love these updates from @Badbaddogagain there is much to learn from the story of unexpected connection starting with fabswingers (bold & strong move there btw after 30 years of marriage I would have found that terrifying but actually did my own promiscuous stints via Tinder which probs isn't that different) & seeking a FWB with someone who on the surface might not have presented as your dream man.

Hmmmmm.

Maybe the lessons to be learned are to know what ones ultimate No-No's are but not have such a strong list of Must-Haves 'cos they can accidentally sift out perfectly fantastic people who would think we are dazzling if we didn't sift them out on the basis of looks/height/artiness etc.

Hmmmmm

(but all credit to you @Badbaddogagain)

I only went on Fabswingers because this thread had a little fad for it at a time when Tinder had gone a bit quiet for me. It was crazy and I stuck it out for all of 20 minutes - which was enough time for Mr B to slip into my DMs, if you know what I mean 🤨. So, a true dating thread romance.

But yes, i would recommend a strong list of NoNos and an otherwise open mind.

53 is still a good age for a man @Badbaddogagain ….you are really baddass!!! But I hear you…you need your sex quota! I want to be you at 60 please pretty please

I never thought I would be me at 60 - I was celibate for 10 years from 2008! So I’m making up for lost time really.

I'm not sure how far being fit or a healthy weight etc determine sexual function in later life. We are both pretty overweight and only moderately fit, and we drink too much, but he does play a competitive sport and I train so we’re not couch potatoes, and we have no serious disease (touch wood). I reckon there may be a genetic element? My DF only gave up sex in his early 80s 😂 so I’m hoping I’ll continue to take after him!

@TobyEsterhase sorry to read your update, have one on me 🍻

I'm not sure how far being fit or a healthy weight etc determine sexual function in later life
I think it’s quite important for men who want to avoid ED, but not just for sex, ED is a also a kind of early warning system for general health and heart health in particular.

Yes -will remembered!!!!!!!! I had forgotten what I had nicknamed him but. there has only been one so that’s him 😁 so

This thread has gone mad! Vaginal lasers?! Who knew they'd come up with something else for women to feel insecure about - I can now add unplump fanjo to all the other ways in which I'm clearly letting myself go. Maybe the rest of me being plump balances it out?

It takes all sorts, doesn't it. I wouldn't know what to talk about to someone who does loads of exercise. I loathe it and find the best thing for my mental health is good company, laughter, music and intellectual stimulation. I think that's the reason my latest relationship didn't work out. He wanted to be out and about all the time and I wanted to watch the select committee on the cost of living crisis or listen to a podcast about the Irish potato famine. Or watch football. With beer. Luckily for me, there's plenty of unfit men out there 🤣

@Badbaddogagain your story is lovely

oncerural I also think it's important that the other person shows an interest and asks questions - how can they get to know us otherwise?

@Stepcount 3 years! That's amazing 🎉

Hey All,

So I've been lurking around for a while but really feel the need to post tonight.

I'm separating but am ready to date. I've been so unhappy in my marriage for many years, so when I finally moved out a few months back, it was already elsewhere emotionally. I've taken things slowly to give everything the time it needs, but I've not felt any emotions for such a long time that I cannot wait any longer. I realise that I'm not ready for a proper relationship but I'd like to be exclusive with someone without too much thinking about the future. I don't want to be someone's +1 at dinners/event... Is that possible to find?

Anyway, I've been on the usual suspects - Tinder, Bumble & Hinge - and I've chatted with gazillions, met up with quite a few of the last few months and had some fun with a few. But the main issue is that the very first person I met (when I was till emotionally really all over the place) is still on my mind. After 2 dates and DTD the second time (and can I say it was amazing 🔥) I went all crazy. I didn't realise that that kind of chemistry was possible. Anyway, he backed off, which I understand. I saw others, spent 5-6 weeks with someone (who I actually didn't really like the sex with but he was interesting...). But I still can't get the first one - Mr Laidback - out of my head.

Is it common to find that you get that attached the first one you meet? 3 months on and he's still the benchmark and we only had 2 dates!

To add to the injury - I'm just over 50 and he's 12 years younger. In fact, I tend to fall for the younger ones most of the times. It's the energy and look on life I like. But whilst I'm often taken for 10-15 years younger, I can't see how this kind of age gap can work.

And, should I stop this OLD for now? My brain says it's too early but my heart says I've been waiting too long to not OLD... I'm juggling a lot of "potentials" at the moment but I don't know if it's worth it. Is it?

Your honest opinion please. 🙏

People who do a lot exercise also love intellectual stimulation, music and listen to podcasts. Enjoying exercise does not make you dumb. It’s a question of choice and lifestyle.

Life is short. If you are feeling happy and energised dating and enjoying it I don’t see why you should stop. If it’s making you feel unwell or you think it’s detrimental for your ,mental health…then you can take it slow or just stop. Counselling works really well after marriage break down.
Im not sure you get attached to the first person you date and DTD with though. But I went straight into a long relationship after separating from my ex husband and I still consider him a sort of a benchmark for many traits I like in a partner

@terrified2022 ….this was for you

Thank you so much for your reply.

I've done lots of counselling over the last year so that's why I feel that emotionally I'm ready. I really feel that I've sorted everything else in life and I'm more stable than I've ever been.

I am a bit of an overthinker at times so I'm glad to hear your story. Maybe I'm just worried about being judged by others. I just need to learn to understand people's online behaviour and how they translate into reality!

@terrified2022 I reckon getting slightly obsessed with someone can happen no matter where in your dating journey you are. Chemistry and great sex when you've come out of an unhappy relationship will make you want more. I wouldn't blame OLD - that could have happened with someone you'd met IRL. You need a thick skin to do OLD and to have realistic expectations - but some find someone lovely, as you can see on the thread, so it's worth persevering if you're in the right mental space. You have to work out if you're in the right mental space - which can be related to timing, but doesn't have to be. Stick around for the great support on here whatever you decide.

This thread has gone mad! Vaginal lasers?!

I think it’s more people have very different lives ! A few weeks back we had people posting they were into truckers and tattoos . I’m not personally , but I didn’t think it was mad per se . Just something I don’t do !

terrified2022

its very Common that the first hot experience after a divorce is a bit obsessive
very !!!

I met someone for a date , didn’t fancy him but liked him , then had second date 🔥
im still with him and still obsessed (but getting better at managing it )

bit assuming this guy is 100% off the scene you need to crack on and find another one with the same chemistry - which is eminently possible

assuming this guy is 100% off the scene you need to crack on and find another one with the same chemistry - which is eminently possible

I think this is key for all of us at whatever stage. It is possible to fall in love again and it is possible to find someone with the same chemistry as someone we have been infatuated with previously. The hardest part is always to move on and overthink about what we lost instead of what might be and what’s coming

@WeWantTheFinestWines @Stepcount @SortingItOut @Mila14

I was also quite taken aback when I read some of the comments about body shape and size. Davina isn't a natural body shape or one we should aspire to; but someone who looks after their mental and physical health in balance, is someone who is managing to get things right and deserves respect for that.

However, in the weeks and months after giving birth, an accident, post Covid etc to have someone ask me about my exercise regime on a dating app would be an immediate no from me. Which means that probably at any other time, unless I'd actually listed very specific fitness related hobbies on my profile, I'd also unmatch from anyone asking too closely about my gym routine or how many burpees a day I was doing.

I'm all for making sure your lifestyles match but that doesn't include making comments or questions that, from a man to a woman, could easily come across as pressure or 'negging'.

Good vibes only and that includes the hotly contested area of a woman's body.

And anyone that knows me also knows I've dated and will date all body types, from a dad bod type to the buff ex para 20 years younger than me to my lovely actor hottie MrA who loves my post baby curves. In fact MrA probably did more for my self confidence than any other man. He spends hours a day in the gym but didn't once make me feel like I should be doing that; he just loved to get naked with me 😁🥰 and what's not to love about that?

With MrD I know we both have loads on our plates but I respect the fact that he's very gently and kindly taken me open water swimming which is something I never thought I'd have the guts to do. This week he even got me into the lido at 14 Celsius!!! Eek!!! But I'd never have a go at him if he slacked off on his fitness routine if he was sick or his kids needed him or he had loads of work on. His belly can at times be a little bigger than others, it all depends on how much free time he's had for exercise. I just respect the fact that he cares about his health and mine to make sure we have time to keep fit.

Love and peace ☮️ and stretch marks to one and all 🥰

Well put @BelladiMamma! And @Naimee87's love for tats and truckers (and bumbags) is certainly not something I echo, but I love how passionate she is about it. Everybody has their preferences. And everybody has their insecurities. The key is to find someone who accepts your passions and flaws and doesn't judge you for not being into the same stuff. It's great to discover new things though - you're very brave, Bella, but Mr D obviously shares his passions with you completely respectfully. Love it!

ED and DE are like ghosts at the feast for couples over 50 or so - will they appear, will they stay, how can we keep them at bay etc etc? And now clearly: do they portend something even worse? Hmmm. Some exercise and relatively healthy eating/drinking are obviously key factors, but also maybe lack of stress, no pressure to ‘perform’, a sense of humour? Regular health checkups too.

Sorry, I thought I’d quoted @HowlongWillThisTakeNow

So true @Badbaddogagain a sense of humour and lack of performance anxiety is key! As women we can fake it, let's be honest, not that I'm condoning it but it's a way that we don't have to face up to changes ...

@WeWantTheFinestWines yes all of this, and the ability to accept and respect others viewpoints and lifestyles. These are the attractive things and make the world go round