Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Stepcount
i am also in a kind a of relationship a year in but many issues with a man who has been damaged in previous life, so am finding the wisdom and insights here enormously helpful. I wasn’t looking for romance coming out of a 25 year marriage so when it came I made numerous mistakes that c a I wouldn’t have done if I had read this first!!!!

Am plotting Date 5 & possibly #6 too for this weekend with Mr Art which has swung from an original plan made hastily last weekend after the first bonkathon came to an end to have an away night in a town near to me then it transpired he wouldn't be available at all which has now flipped to having tonight & all weekend free.

My preference is to reconnect for a chaste and classy evening in the midpoint town for the new Bowie movie & possible eats then a sleepover at his starting tomorrow avo/evo.

Feels a bit greedy though and my far flung girl besties have come in with a suggestion of a Fri night zoom to arrange mid Oct get together.

My head can't make a decision and I've got a lonnnnng hard work day ahead so I've asked Mr Art to work it all out for me & tell me what I'm doing with who & when.

Oh good he just has. Girlfriend zoom tonight & afternoon hanging into sleepover chez lui tomorrow. Good man. Gives me time to sort my life out this evening & tomorrow morning. I'm behind on my masters module & housework.

JangolinaPitt

is that Mr Serb ?

Sounds good, if ishe indicated about a 3rd date, do you think the coolness could be down the her thinking the same as you about emotional involvement?

Urban wowser, busy weekend

How wonderful Oncey…let me know how the Bowie thing was…that’s on my hit list of things to do.
@SortingItOut …no one ever has implied here his/her body shape is better than others , or social/cultural background,etc. No one has implied they have an easier ride than anyone either. We are all different and appreciate seeing different opinions
@JangolinaPitt …I had no idea you were in a year long relationship as I’m relatively new to mumsnet thread. I think we all have some damage of some kind we carry along but being able to stay in a relationship is a massive success in my view.
@Stepcount …you are settled in a loving relationship which is brilliant and what most of us aspire to. Just enjoy it and be happy you don’t make our mistakes and missteps !!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

smitten kitten you are !
ah it’s nice to have something other than work and kids . Whilst I’m grateful I have both they are challenging
oh so challenging

just keep your wits about you , I’d say don’t get too obsessed but - but I’m a fine one to talk

Tell me about it…DS is so bloody articulate I find myself having trouble to make my argument. Makes me feel inadequate at times…and the fact is that we are human and as mums can only do so much. I never forget I am a woman too these days though….and I did for many years…
I’m being a bit more cautious this time round about jumping crazy after any iron. I will not even name or discuss until I know a lot more. The fall out with MrO has had a strange end as in…we chat a bit and I feel good I can rant about dating to him. He’s on his way to being a friend which I never expected 🙂. We will still go to exhibitions and discuss my job issues ( he’s now a pensioner with a lot of time!!).

@SortingItOut how was your date with Mr HS2? It sounds like you’re enjoying each other’s company, are you feeling a spark? Hopefully you had another good evening together.

I'm actually surprisingly cool and not my usual headfirst smitten re Mr Art.

Have very much got a 'we'll see' attitude and back to thinking 'maybe I'll not fancy him (& vice versa) when I see him next' and he really is a new type for me (stepping right away from the dodgy DJ/druggie/fashionista/drop-dead gwargeous-and-knows-it rollercoaster boys of old).

We both have ridiculous busy work lives so don't spend any time talking or texting between meets.

@Stepcount Thanks for asking. Thursday date didn't happen. We'd talked about meeting Thursday evening but then I realised it might not work as I had a tattoo appointment late afternoon and I always crash afterwards when the adrenalin wears off so in our lust we planned for Thursday morning. But then his mate broke down in his van and Mr HS2 went to sort him out (was very apologetic and asked to see me when he is back from this stint away)
Worked out ok though as my tattoist called mid morning to say I could go in early as she had a no show so I did.

Should have stuck with our original plan of meeting when he's back rather than lust taking over😂

We're still messaging a few times a day so we'll see how this week goes with the messaging as he's now away for a week.
Hopefully we can meet up when he's back.

Best attitude to have Oncey … I am to particularly invested in any iron right now…so just seeing what happens and takin a bit of a break really

SortingItOut

thats good he is still on the scene
so how’s your feeling about your ex
is he less on your mind now ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I rarely think about him and then he'll pop up on Whatsapp for an innocuous reason🙄

Next week is TOTM and that's usually when I get wistful so lets see what happens this time around.

SortingItOut
so he messages time to time then ?
sinulatneously nice but maybe head wrecking

I have one concern about Mr Art and that's his lack of curiosity/questions of me about me or my people, my work, my opinions/dreams etc.
Flagged this to myself early as vowed to heed this as a red flag of an undesirable trait from past experience

On the other hand I accept that I'm different to most people in grilling them and uncovering their life story in minutes (taxi drivers, people in queues etc) and will see if things come out naturally.

I told him early on that I'd noticed there was a distinct lack of Qs and that for me it is a turn off. He hasn't transformed into a curious type.
Weirdly on our 3rd date I said something about my past and he flashed back 'You never told me that!' but I'd only spent a few hours in his company and have 50 years of life he knows nothing of. That was odd.

My view is that if they don't ask Qs it means they're just shaggy f*ckrrrrs and not emotionally available but maybe it just means everyone is different and no one is like me.

As I say I'm watching and seeing rather than jump to earth conclusions or over investing.

Oncey…don’t jump into conclusions. I’m also a super questioner and find it hard not to feel exactly as you do now. People have different timings to open up . Patience… things come up when you go for a meal or a walk etc… you are too busy at the moment discovered each other sexually

Got a message from Ms Blonde saying she "doesn't see a future for us romantically".

Dunno why she chatted over coffee for 3 hours plus if she felt this way. I am naturally taciturn but perhaps others are more inclined to talk.

Close to giving up on finding someone I can connect to on both physical and intellectual level..Got a couple of irons on OLD but the chat is less than inspiring.

Sorry to hear that @TobyEsterhase … I didn’t want to venture outcome but when there’s a chaste kiss after 3 hours talking and no attraction to speak of… things veer towards friendzone
Take a break or just see what’s out there… patience !

TobyEsterhase

ah bummer . I guess she liked you as a person hence the 3 hours and wanted that spark
but I can also see it raised hope at your end

Don’t take it too personally (easy to say )
I had someone hang up on me on a video call for
some spurious excuse (clearly didn’t like my face !)
wanker 😁

Like @Stepcount i’ve been on this thread for years after starting to date in early 2018 following the end of my 30 year marriage. Some may recognise the (adapted) username. I’ve been in a relationship with Mr B for 3.5 years after meeting on Fabswingers. I deleted my MN account (hate the blooming constant MN emails!) earlier this year, and my Fab account ages ago, obviously!

But I’ve come back just because I wanted to join in with saying how amazing this thread is for the generous support given to all. I still read it avidly as it is so grounded and kind, and it helps me to keep perspective on things. MN definitely at its best! Everyone deserves love and respect - in whatever shape, size, age, lifestyle it comes - and none more so than you wonderful threadpeople.

❤️…it’s amazing you found your love story in a site that’s not “traditional”…we love a good love story!

Thanks @Mila14. Although Mr B is in some ways my ‘type’ eg facially and in terms of profession, in so many ways he’s not - he’s not tall (the same height as me), he lacks curiosity, he’s not arty, he’s lazy. BUT he is steady and reliable, and he actively looks after me in a way that no one has ever done. The fact that he is dazzled by me makes me pretty much dazzled by him. And the sexual compatibility is extraordinary. Who would have thought it? Not me!

AWWWWW…the main things are what you want in a man…and the sexual compatibility is off the charts is a dream…I think that goes a long way. The fact that he’s dazzled by you and takes care of you like no one has is just BEAUTIFUL…

I guess my point is I didn’t know this was what I was looking for in a man as I didn’t know it existed! It was supposed to be FB but was FWB from the get go, then it just evolved slowly. You just never know.

I confess I am worried about what would happen if we ran into sexual problems eg ED (he’s 53), loss of libido (I’m nearly 60 FFS ) but I’m not going to borrow trouble from tomorrow….