Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I've had my date tonight (the guy I met IRL last weekend) .....it went really well, we didn't stop talking and laughing.
We both want to see each other again....

His availability isn't great as he works away and I'm just plain old busy but I'm sure it will work out.

I'll name him Mr HS2 as that's the reason he is working away.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

maybe your boner is still a bit annoyed with her . I’m not joking either . Men, like women , have to be in the right frame of mind ?

SortingItOut

ahhh ! You so deserved a good date !

I had a nice evening with Balkan
we chatted loads . One of the reasons I do really like him is I can be 100% myself with him

Glad to see that 2 out of 3 had good dates 🥰

@SortingItOut I'm watching with GREAT interest 🤓 🍿

@SortingItOut your date with Mr HS2 sounds promising do you fancy him? Any physicals at all - hand touches, kisses etc?

@Thisisworsethananticpated Balkan sounds like a good 'un. What are the chemistry levels with him?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I agree with a PP (Sorting) maybe the sex quality was linked to the previous weekends horrors. Not the tear though. Sounds tough. Sorry it was all make-up fireworks to put past events behind. Any more chat about what happened with the epic stand-up?

Have good weeks everyone.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

balkan has been on and off since January
it’s been far from smooth sailing and we’ve had numerous splits and dramas
mainly due to major divorce baggage we both carry (His worse than mine !) and him being a bit of an emotional goldfish
and me being very reactive

however after I ended it this summer , as I said my mental health couldn’t take it …. It’s been a lot better

chemistry’s great hence why we’ve stuck it so long !!!!

@SortingItOut
sounds great , I think meeting ppl IRL is so much better as you get much more of an organic connection , & tell him to hurry up with HS2, those lot are everywhere

@Thisisworsethananticpated
sounds like a good friendship/ connection you have going there.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
I wouldn’t call it fireworks, more like a damp squib , the dreaded DE came back, (hence the tear I think ).
yes more chat, it seems if we had gone together ( which was the original plan), with either of us driving, that would have been okay, & if she had more notice she would have done a recce run before hand to get it sorted in her mind.
she said she blamed the childcare as she was too upset and embarrassed/ scared to tell me the truth. ( scared of my reaction maybe)
this is so far outside of anything I have ever experienced before with someone I’m not sure I really want this

Great news on the date @SortingItOut hope you can sync schedules. I'm currently struggling to find a mutually suitable date with an iron because of kids, work and preplanned events 🤷‍♀️

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow it sounds like you aren't feeling this anymore (and I don't blame you) and it just isn't fun for you. It shouldn't be this difficult in early stages

@Thisisworsethananticpated glad you had a nice time with balkan 😊

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

id say a direct correlation between your head space and the ED

maybe you need time out and another conversation
IF you think she is worth it ……

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss really pleased to hear it all went well.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow it sounds like your heart isn’t in it anymore which is not surprising. I wouldn’t like someone lying to me like that, especially so early on. Relationships are hard enough without major communication issues.

My time with MrN the other day 100% confirmed to me that I don’t fancy him and don’t want a relationship with him, although I do enjoy his company so it would be nice if we could remain friends.

Starting to wonder if this might be it for me. I don’t want kids and don’t want to date someone with kids so there aren’t many men to choose from, and I do struggle to fancy anyone despite having a reasonably high sex drive and wanting the companionship. Wondering whether to throw in the towel with dating and instead focus on building a nice single life for myself, enjoying the companionship of my kind, gentle, sweet and affectionate DCat who makes me laugh, doesn’t abuse me (much), puts up with my shit and is always happy to see me.

@IodineQueen I was at this point two years ago (which has flown btw) came off the apps, committed to starting a Masters, got a puppy, got promoted, decided to relocate and got into fitness. Basically made me not blokes the centre. It worked to an extent in that I felt happy contented and stable BUT I also felt a tad unloved and would really like a permanent long term partner to holiday with and plan fun things to do with someone.

Is there maybe a halfway house between the all or nothing of endless swiping or being off the apps? Maybe a monthly swiping session or bi-monthly. Would be a shame to miss finding your special someone who is equally hoping to find someone like you because you didn't keep your hand in?

Will you be ok finding the right words to MrN to say you aren't feeling it? That's one of the hardest things in dating I think. That and someone telling us (or being ghosted)

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

What you say about feeling a bit unloved is it really. I have a lot of love to give to the right person and it would be wonderful to feel loved and secure. I had an abusive childhood, was in care, no contact with any family etc so I do really want some love in my life. But… big but… I’m also terrified of it at the same time, for obvious reasons. I do wonder whether the best thing I could do for myself and my future MH is to forget about it altogether. Life is a bit bland without it but at least I’m in an OK place.

I do like the idea of monthly/bi-monthly swiping sessions though so I’ll probably go with that!

My plan was to tell MrN last time we met but there wasn’t an opportunity as we went straight in to see a show and I had to go afterwards. I’m not sure if the right words… I can’t decide whether to go with ‘I really enjoy your company but I don’t feel there’s a romantic connection’ or ‘I really enjoy your company but I don’t feel we have enough in common for a romantic relationship’? Both are true but I want to avoid giving more than one reason!

Also, do you think I should say it before we next meet? We talk most days on WhatsApp. I’m wondering if it would make it less awkward putting it in a message rather than coming out with it when we meet up and things being weird for the duration. He’s quite touchy feely so I’d have to say it straight away.

Don’t blame you @HowlongWillThisTakeNow its so disappointing isn’t it.. one of those situations where there’s no good outcome because even the best interpretation of events is that she’s got some serious issues around communication.

I hope you’re not down on yourself about the DE issues etc - I think I’ve mentioned before MrM has this and is so sort of confident and whatevs about it I’ve never even thought of it as a ‘thing’ - it means we shag on and off for hours and it’s just not all about the end result. Even not having a constant erection.. I don’t know, I just think it’s fairly normal that the “arc of proceedings” changes as we get older. I’m much more bothered about someone’s talents and inclination to give as well as receive, and the chats/laughs in between.

IodineQueen

whilst a break is good (especially after a split ) it’s time to regroup and think

I don’t read anything in what you say that would stop you meeting a guy that’s on the same page

in fact I think many would want you !
more so that single mum me

old is an advert I think
single woman aged x
no kids and don’t want , prefer same
keen to meet another who likes x y a for fun and maybe more !

I think an old fashioned postal letter might be appropriate for this one @IodineQueen gives you time to form the words properly and he can receive and digest and come back to you when he's got the (sad) message. I'd say not enough in common for a romance and/or you are choosing this moment to cease dating and focus on core you. No offence and would like to stay in touch platonically (if that's what you want) but understand that might be tricky for him.

Howlongy …she lied blatantly and she was late on giving you an explanation

. she said she blamed the childcare as she was too upset and embarrassed/ scared to tell me the truth. ( scared of my reaction maybe )

something is going on with you as you also had DE while with her…I have the feeling more stuff will come out and you aren’t sure this is the lady for you

Iodine…is this the chap with the techno music? I totally get this thing about not having kids and preferring to date guys with no kids. I think having kids is a huge thing in someone’s life and they always take preference over the person we are dating. Did MrN have kids?

there are many many guys with no kids in the apps. You could start just keeping your dating criteria firmly on that

we can really compromise in finding the right partner to fall for
Oncey is right* *, maybe you dedicate more time to you and less to apps and get benefits just for you and to enhance your life with DCat

Sorting fabulous news about IRL guy. MrHS2 looks like a good find. Onwards and upwards!

How was your date @Mila14 ?

Ok…spent until today with Mr O. Many many red flags. He got very very drunk and obnoxious on Sunday night. I really felt like knocking him out there and then.
Started Monday very cold towards him and also still unsure about whether I was enjoying sex fully although he’s very sexy. We had very sexy time in the afternoon and it was just perfect and very hard and bigger and like I prefer it.
I lost one earring this morning and we were looking under bed and what do I find …half a blue Pfizer pill. He didn’t own to it but I told him I much preferred how we had sex in the afternoon ( it was totally different than before). I was assuming he didn’t take pill yesterday because I was so cold towards him he probably didn’t think we were getting any. But I really don’t know!!! was he? Wasn’t he?
This is not the only nagging point though…he names his ex wife quite a bit and I really don’t think he’s open emotionally. I don’t really know how to articulate I don’t want him anymore although I’d love to be friends
He’s brilliant company on account of cultural and hobbies we share. I’d like to keep him as someone to continue with my cultural life as a companion

Ive gone off him… but I don’t regret it. Also he was getting pesky about Mr Ex and I regret I told him anything whatsoever. We were sitting watching telly like millions of people around the world and MrEx pinged me …I’m sure Mr O saw I was reading a very long message from him. Not ideal.

I was just delighted when he left this morning. We had fluffy no hard erection sex this morning and I can’t do this with someone I don’t love. If it had been MrEx with this issue it would have been 0 problem but MrO just arrived and off he’s leaving because I’m already looking around on apps.

Other issues surfaced, like his random way of life as he’s not working much anymore , his drinking heavily and his new found “bohemian” life with no real purpose . It’s a WTF am I doing with this man? Let’s enjoy our shared cultural life and I go on my own and you on yours.

Incidemtally…so dating app popping up in his locked phone screen. I think this is not the type of guy I can fall for anyway.

I have no idea how to break the news. But I will let it rest a few days so he sees I’m not keen.

im very busy this week and next and have kids too longer so until beginning October I can’t really plan anything. I will of course see Mr Ex then and let’s see what happens now I’m again on the hunt

You got full account!! 😂😂😂

Worsy , I’m so glad you fell totally yourself with Balkan and YOU TALKED LOTS . Talking and listening is caring. And this is how we open emotionally. If the sex is awesome…even better

Wow @Mila14 - eventful and clarifying weekend for you