Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss that is exactly it. It's been too easy in the past to bin something off as the chemistry not being there, but when "the chemistry" means years of having to obsess about what the fuck is going on because it's so inconsistent, confusing, and headfuck-inducing, you eventually land in a heap 20 years later thinking maybe this isn't the right thing to base things on after all (I did the same much as you ref strapping into an adrenaline-fuelled rollercoaster of a marriage).

I'm very glad indeed to hear that things are ON for later today but also extremely relieved that you will be following your work's suggestion for a moment of humble reflection and remembrance at 8pm tonight

I had a call with MrN last night, we tend to communicate via video call every couple of days with texts in between. We don't do daily 'good mornings' (thank god, I hate that) but he does text me regularly and I think really it's his texting style that does me in a bit. There's a lot about him that isn't 'standard issue' for me. He's clever and extremely interesting and creative, but is dyslexic, and although he sends me for example beautifully written letters in the post which make me go giddy (ridiculously big tick there, what is this modern day romantic madness?), and makes me things which are beautiful...... he does NOT do razer-sharp wit in the form of text messaging. And sometimes there are spelling mistakes. Old me would probably never have met him in the first place because I love the dopamine hit of getting texts that stop you in your tracks, or laugh out loud inappropriately at work, or whatever. So I think it's partly that. I don't get those buzzes. But then we speak and it's just calm and lovely and exciting.

We talked last night about what our childcare schedule is like in December and he remarked how lovely it is that we are both open to having those slightly longer term plan chats - I feel like we have to in order to make things work as we both have teen/pre-teen kids and hectic lives to plan around - but my last iron (MrM) was absolutely allergic to that kind of planning. He definitely works better in the 'add on' accessory partner

Have a fabulous time later - so exciting - and you @Mila14 - bring it on!

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

yes I think why you described have is what I and many others have

a few years back I did the freedom programme and me and another participant were laughing at how we always went for the drug dealers , DJs , and broken souls
hilarious 😆 NOT

ibelieveinmirrorballs
you definitely need to see therapist and regroup
I think with NIcey it’s a curious mix of things and not necessarily a need for adrenaline per se

maybe as with this one as it’s stable and a future IS possible in some shape and form ….
that’s what’s scaring you ?

If your talking to someone who has a penis, don’t use flowery language or dance around the subject or go off at a tangent , just use clear and direct communication.

@Mila14 that sounds like a fab eve

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss glad it’s back on! I hope you have a great time.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I did the freedom programme… twice I’ve never fancied drug dealers or DJs, it’s the broken souls that I seemed to go for. But no more!

I’m seeing MrN later and, after some thought, I’ve decided I’m going to tell him I’d just like to be friends. I met up with a friend yesterday and we had a chat about it, turns out someone she was dating was into the same genre of music as MrN and it drove her bonkers too. I also realised that we don’t have enough of the important things (for me) in common. I’m very outdoorsy and want to meet someone I can go for long, silly walks with… I love peace and quiet and need someone I can sit with quietly while we read or play scrabble, or some other equally ‘dull’ activity made special for being in each other’s company. MrN just isn’t going to be that person… he’s more about the music and festivals, going out, drinking etc… and it would be daft to start something only to stop because it isn’t what I want in the long-run.

She used a 1000 words and danced around the houses to say that she gets travel anxiety and would have preferred for us to travel together, and that she is embarrassed about it and doesn’t like telling ppl.
men are not mind readers ( well I’m not ).

if she just could have said she was a anxious about driving and could we travel together ever thing could have been avoided

IodineQueen

thats interesting you did it twice and despite that you have ended up dating some major red flag wavers (given earlier comments about how
some were nasty when you split )

I mean no criticism with that , none

but either way your decision around N seems sound , even without red flags 🚩
go you !

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

did you manage to share how much her behaviour impacted you ?
I’ve got travel anxiety too (im not making that up it really does make me nuts)

How have you left it ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I did the first freedom programme and managed to get into another bad one, but since the second I haven’t been in any relationship at all so… so far so good!

Also, I have a friend who uses flowery language and dances around the subject when she flakes out (which is fairly often). I think I’ve pretty much given up on the friendship as it’s so frustrating when someone isn’t direct about their reasons for cancelling and instead reels off a list of excuses. Are you going to see her again?

Sorry, second para was for @HowlongWillThisTakeNow

@Thisisworsethananticpated if you had drive about 2.5 hours ( or take a train with a couple of changes) to somewhere you have not been before to part of the country you don’t know ( pretending you don’t have a satnav), would you avoid the journey?
how would you feel?

How have left we left it,? That’s an interesting question, I told her how it made me feel, and how let down and pissed off I was & she deeply apologised and admitted about the travel thing and how it affects her life ( apparently she only likes going on her own to places she had been before ),
maybe I’ll buy her a SatNav and show her how to use it ( everyone uses a satnav right ? )

What was her excuse for not cancelling in advance instead of just not showing up?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow Have you been left out of pocket?

I know that anxiety is overwhelming but you've known each other a while now, have sex with one another (so close and intimate) and she wasn't able to tell you about this?

Who's idea was it to travel separately?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow A sat nav is unlikely to stop travel anxiety.
Its not the knowing where to go its everything.

Everyone has google maps or similar so no need to buy a sat nav.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

so this year I’ve had to do a lot of new driving to new places
for example I had to drive to see mum in a hospital

the day before I’m a mess
the day i grit teeth and do it
then when I got home I was exhausted that evening and the day after

so it’s a 3 day mess !!!!
i have downloaded a better app now which is way better (waze)

it’s a problem as I’m lonely and want to get out but the travel aspect and phobia mitigates against me doing it

I’m not defending her , but for every person who can happily pop in a car - there are a few me and Mrs shows

so it’s a thing
BUT
she need to explain why she left it so late

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow It sounds like you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt here. I’d find it really hard to respect someone who was that hobbled by an anxiety that they’d let it cause someone else massive inconvenience and upset. I mean - fair enough when you’re starting out in life… but in your 50s..? How could you trust that there won’t be other areas in which shed also be unable to communicate and instead will flake massively?

Very difficult.

Who's idea was it to travel separately?
originally she was going to travel to mine, then we would go together., but a few days before ( on the Wednesday IIRC), it changed as I had some TOIL, so I decided to have a 1/2 day and go on ahead and enjoy the facility’s

Yes,

That’s was yes to @ibelieveinmirrorballs

What did she say when you said you’d be going earlier so wouldn’t travel together?

To be honest I can’t remember, I’m so used to travelling, & riding that I wouldn’t have given it a second thought really

I have slight travel anxiety… not enough to stop me driving to new places on my own because there’s no alternative but enough to break a sweat and stress me out. If I’d arranged with someone to travel together I’d feel a bit miffed if they changed plans a few days before so I can see how someone with full-on anxiety would find this difficult. However, I’d have probably said something about it at the time and definitely wouldn’t just not turn up. But if she’s anxious in general I can see how this could happen.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow …she said she had some problem with childcare that let her down…did she lie then ? Or is she lying now? I find the whole thing confusing. We were here discussing going for a weekend and how we would normally prep childcare in detail so as to be able to when kids were younger especially

I also have travel issues but I’m quite clear…pick me up first because I don’t want to go on my own. Or can I Uber to you? Etc . I don’t buy it. Sorry Howlongy
I sincerely hope I’m not right

so it’s a thing

BUT

she need to explain why she left it so late

this is key…

Go Oncey …enjoy massively . Report to the mothership afte DTD completed ✅

I don’t know anything about freedom program but I have something to share.

I’m loving spending time with someone who loves me and is very kind and handsome as fuck (MrEx)
Im loving being able to tell Mr O, “let’s do this, let’s watch this movie first or come with me to the gym” and him in his devilish sexiness say OK, YES…I want sexiness and love and TLC and awesome cultural exchange and articulate guys. I do not date and I am not interested in suffering or bad stuff. I like HOT LOINS with people I care about too.
I’m not sure sex is better either with complications or drama. Sex with MrEx is awesome and MrO is a new door. He’s older but permanently sexed up and discovering what makes me tick and how to handle my body and it’s dizzying

I don’t do auto destructive and can’t function closely with auto destructive people ( hence keeping MrEx as my dear love of my life but keeping him in doses and not wanting full partnership with him). I don’t know enough about MrO to assess him but I’m spending days at a time with him so will see

When I am sad or feel bad…I go extra healthy eater and exercise more.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow that's hard to hear after she took so long to explain it. However I have travel anxiety and I have huge sympathy for MsNoShow. It would also explain why she didn't show before. MrD took a flight to Milan with me a few weeks ago because he could see how much I was worked up about it. I've left trains half way through a journey. Last year I even got to the boarding gate and didn't board the flight.

It's embarrassing and debilitating. I'm also one of the most travelled people I know and have 3 passports / nationalities so go figure 🤷‍♂️

However what I would say is that dating an anxious person isn't for everyone. So think hard about the type of support she needs and if you want to offer that