Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I started chatting to someone new yesterday who seemed promising, but today he’s said something about brushed cotton sheets, candles and buying new shirts and it’s given me the ick. I’ve snoozed my profile again, my heart just isn’t in it.

I'm in a right state as the texts from Mr Art stopped abruptly last night at 8pm and nothing today so all the lusty thoughts re tomorrow's planned red wine and candlelight liaisons have turned into 'Whatever Im not that into him' and have drafted a handy list of reasons it will be good to stay home tomorrow (no chance of an STD, petrol money, actual important projects get some attention instead of this slightly unexpected dalliance).

Am sitting tightly on my hands not to make contact (my text was the last) and will see what happens.
Either way I'm cool. Kind of cool. Am obviously constantly wishing his name would ping in but have a nasty feeling it won't.

Blokes are so weird.

Oncey? Where were you meeting him? Maybe you are doing a big ball of nothing? You are meeting MrArt as agreed so why should he need to text you today if he’s seeing you tomorrow? Is this a second date ? He sent his last text yesterday 8 pm…that’s ok right? I don’t understand

That’s very strange. What did he say in his last message to you?

Although yes it depends on how you normally text one another.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

im annoyed on your behalf ! Let’s assume tomorrow is ON
and go ahead with your life and firm up tomorrow

WhatsApp really is the devil at this stage

@Mila14 you are so right, dating too many men is ghastly and produces fatigue. Yep, done that. ..

Am laying off the dating now as have a new job starting soon amongst various other things..so...

Looking for a replacement FWB as current one is getting tedious....

😂😂😂 young FWB getting tedious ??? I think you are my hero.

@kerkyra was prison date Australian?

Thanks guys have re read the Thread Rules they are such a useful list.

It is all BS until it isn't, guts are to be trusted and not getting invested too soon is not easy.

It is Date 4 tomorrow & he was at work (12 hour day 12th day in a row) when I said I'd deleted the last salacious msg as he was at work. He asked me to send it anyway as he liked them so I did and that was the last text.

Yep I'll either hear from him later or tomoz but the fact remains the fire has gone from my belly/loins due to the radio silence & because I am secretly a super needy nightmare who prefers a constant stream of comms.

This is either healthy for two people who have full lives (I'm taking my teens to the big city today) and big work commitments or it's the end of an embryonic thing. In which case I'll have saved myself from a terrible caterpillar willy DTD situation

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss
maybe it’s neither of those two extremes !

it’s a (sex !) date tomorrow . And as far as I can read , he doesn’t sound like he’s ‘off’ (sex!)

look I can be a super nightmare too at times

but he’s just a bloke at the end of the day

try and not overthink and enjoy your day with kids

Looking for a replacement FWB as current one is getting tedious

how come ? In what way
am fascinated by this FWB shizzle

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss ”because I am secretly a super needy nightmare who prefers a constant stream of comms”

Or…. Just someone who likes fairly consistent comms and who doesn’t like to be left hanging after sending a slightly filthy text.

I hope you hear from him with a good explanation as to why he left that text like that. Three dates in and expectantly setting yourselves up for a sexy fourth date is not the context for an uncharacteristic dip in comms.

Bloody good point there @ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm actually just a reasonable woman who is sensitive to others' moods and emotions and yep a dip after a fairly constant all week of 'mmmm Sunday is-a-coming' style spiciness

He's just checked in. Haven't read it yet. But am glad I'm triggered by being ignored suddenly without warning. I hate it more than anything.

Bit quiet from me this week, sort of digesting after my week/weekend seeing MrN then MrM. Promptly followed by being ill all week and generally not on form.

I’m also three weeks out of speaking to my counsellor due to work schedules/holidays etc and really think I need to talk to her.

Despite the fact I feel very strongly towards MrN and am constantly brought back to that realisation, in between meeting I very often have doubts. We’re at about 4 months from first chatting but have mostly only been able to meet fortnightly. Despite much sexual chemistry (high on the burning loins factor @Mila14) and the fact he makes me feel calm and anxiety-free and is thoroughly lovely and decent, with enough of an edge that he is most definitely not dull either…. I don’t know what it is or whether it’s some deep-seated discomfort with intimacy and being treated well… but I find myself thinking “aaah, shall I bin it off?” fairly frequently.

It’s not about a yearning for MrM either. Whilst that’s fun and occasional, it only works in that capacity. I’m not hankering for more.

Grrr. I wonder if partly it’s that I’m finding it hard to compartmentalise.. to keep my own life going properly and to continue enough self-care. Both MrM and N give me the space to do that, but still I don’t think I do it sufficiently.

Yes. I’ve told myself before it’s me being needy. But it isn’t. Without being heavy-handed about it with him, it’s a good opportunity to slightly sit back and observe him because no… sudden quiet after you’d both been subtly “scene-setting” for this weekend is not really what you want or expect.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

reminds me of overseas obsession
he once asked me for a filthy photo
I sent (took me hours !!)
silence

he went quiet for two weeks
I went nuts and sent him a really angry email

we did end up speaking again but I never understood why he did that

Oncey. I think you said he was working 12h yesterday and 12 today? Maybe he’s really having tricky day at work

@Thisisworsethananticpated theres no excuse for that really is there?

No matter what, if someone doesn’t get that that would make you feel vulnerable and exposed, they have the emotional intelligence of a pack of mince.

Good god @ibelieveinmirrorballs that is a text rejection of epic proportions. Horrific. You poor thing. Good for you for sending him what for via email.

Emotional intelligence of a pack of mine is being kind (but hilarious).

Blokes are so weird.
I would beg to differ, and say that women are a PITA.

How so @HowlongWillThisTakeNow your recent terrible being stood up experience not withstanding what would being less of a PITA look like? Asking for a friend...

Ok… I’ve been wined and dined at posh place by MrEx. No sex but we came to mine and snogged and petting like 17 years old. I’m glad he’s gone though… bring on Mr O today !! Sunday!
I’m really glad we didn’t DTD and he respected I did not want to as he’s away from tomorrow
I love him
Let’s see what happens with Mr O now… today Sunday
Oncey, I will be thinking of you today 😝
@ibelieveinmirrorballs … you are a very wise woman. There’s no hurry for you to do anything. You enjoy Mr M and Mr N… let things develop naturally
Howlongy did you meet with Mrs Show??? What’s happening?

You totally rock @Mila14 loving your style.

With Mr Ex why did you split after 6 years and how long was the gap before rekindling? Why is the 'never look back' rule not applicable to him.

Best of British for your Mr O adventures today.

My saucy sleepover with Mr Art is totally on! As hoped I'd massively (and ridiculously) read way too much into his radio silence. He was nose to the grindstone at work until midnight last night (he has a very peculiar job involving many hours for many days but seems to enjoy it and doesn't complain) but a few snatched check-ins to me whilst I was doing city stuff.
I asked if I'd overstepped the mark with my racy text & I was embarrassed (basically calling him out on his sudden decline in comms) & he said 'What?!? You didn't send it and I was a bit disappointed tbh' so a textual mishap. It was so subtlety spicy he hadn't even noticed. Ffs.

That made me laugh and was v grateful we clarified. Told him I'd been undie shopping in the city for some right tasty numbers and he confirmed he couldn't wait to have a private viewing on the morrow.

Eeeeeek.

Took this photo of my work laptop (civil servant) and have agreed with Mr Art it's what QEII would have wanted celebration of (middle) youth and aliveness at the allotted hour 🤭

@ibelieveinmirrorballs re Mr N I was having similar musings myself recently about the solid decent fellas who have an edge but mainly just good people, chemistry is there etc etc but something imperceptible makes you feel like quitting.

My own ill shaped conclusion after a lifetime of chasing and being with the bad boys is that there's something about the ridiculous highs you get from the wrong 'uns (because they are so very wrong) that when not apparent in the great guys makes them or a relationship with them feel a bit boring and dull by comparison.

It's completely weird isn't it. All we think we want is to be treated well by a good solid man with interests and opinions aligned to our own but when you find them you find yourself feeling a bit 'Meh'. Terrible state of affairs.

A few years ago I reconnected with my first true love who I binned off unceremoniously and awfully aged 23. We are now besties but as I was just divorcing my crap XH I asked myself why oh why oh why didn't I just stick with lovely lovely original boy who loved me so much and had turned out tremendously 30 years on. Answer - the adrenaline was missing.
So I married a gorgeous broken fella and spent the next 20 years on a horrible roller coaster of adrenaline.

There's some important big Qs to be answered I think re what is actually 'right' vs what 'feels right' (but actually is the opposite).